Wife With Borderline Personality

I have to sneak to write this. I belong to an online support group where everyone else does the same. I think I am finally ready to at least see an attorney. My wife has terrible moods swings, can get mad about anything and will not tolerate an negative emotion from anyone. the quickest way to lose her as a friend is to suggest she need help or should be on medication. I haven't had sex in over 6 years and never will again if I stay with her.
OmyTVC15 OmyTVC15
51-55, M
14 Responses Jan 1, 2012

i have found out a few years ago that i am borderline but reading these responses. this is what people really think of us,? i am sooo speechless. i feel like my heart's been torn out. i can't even describe how much pain i feel right now from reading your points of view of us. now i see no future for my relationships and my life. i was hoping i could overcome this somehow. all i want to do is die now. i will kill myself. if i can't be loved, if i can't have any relationships than what's the point of living this life? what is life without love? love is the most important thing in the entire world. there's no point. what is the point of going through life alone. i don't know how i am going to make it alive in this world, i actually had some hope about this but now i see it is hopeless isn't it. i dont even want to start any relationships because all i will end up doing is hurting them, aren't i. what did i do to deserve to be punished with this illness like this. please god why??

There are two ways to look at your post.
First of all if you or anyone is willing to fact there truth about themselves there is always hope. I had some issues of my own to deal with and it was very painful too. The problem with my wife and with many borderlines is they do not think they have a problem or any real real issues to deal with. If you can face the truth in your life and realize that how you treat people matters then there is a great deal of hope for you. So seek help it is out there.
The other way to look at you post is how take the pain of others and make it about you. If reading these posts is your wake up call then it can be a good thing. If you only see it about how bad it makes you feel about yourself then it will not help you. Be objective and look at those stories not as being about how others view people like you but about the real life struggles of other people. How these people view you as a borderline has nothing whatsoever to do with your life and even if it did it is beyond your control. How you treat the people in you life is within your control and that is what matters.
Years before I even heard of borderline personality disorder I told those closest to me that my wife had a complete disconnect between how she treated others and how they responded to her. She could not see the simple cause and effect relationship between how you treat others and how they treat you. It was a total one way street with her. No matter how rude she was or how bad her behavior was towards others all she ever noticed was how others responded to her. If they did anything that was upsetting to her she had no idea why they were being "so mean" to her (one of her favorite phrases). Of course the amount of things that get her upset kept growing and the people in her life were just supposed to stop doing of these things no matter how trivial they were.
So life is not just about how other treat us and what others think about us. It is also about how we treat others and how considerate we are for the thoughts and feeling of others.

You are not alone. It is not normal. I spent 10'years with a bpd. You don't have to stay

I suffer from BPD.. Reading all these comments breaks my heart... Its like being told that no one will ever love me because I have a disorder.. However, from what I am reading.. none of you are talking about your wives/ex-wives getting help. 12 years ago I had just finished DBT (which is a class to teach you how to live with and "control" your BPD for those who dont know) For the first time in my life I was the person outside that I was inside.. Unless you have some other negative disorders associated with the BPD.. all we honestly want is for someone to love us.. I understand that we are very hard to live/deal with.. Its very hard to live with BPD. I have tried to kill myself many times.. I would never wish this disorder on my worst enemy.. That is how awful it is to live with.. Also, sex does not make or break a relationship.. While I have BPD and a very high sex drive, my boyfriend is in need of a back fusion and we have not had sex in over a year.. That doesnt change my love for him.. Sex never plays a part when it comes to love.. I did not write this to "challenge" anyone or to offend anyone.. I just wanted to tell another side to it.. While I still understand your side.. I am curious if any of your wives went through DBT? What was/is the result?

My ex wife flat out refused to seek any kind of treatment, and instead blamed me for why she was acting the way she did. One night I had enough and I left. I filed for divorce the next day and went to stay at a hotel. The next thing I heard about her is that she had moved out of my house. This came from a friend of mine that attempted to make contact with her to be nice, not realizing the mine field he was walking into. She proceeded to verbally attack HIM. Now, this is one of my friends that seems to have a Knight in Shining Armor complex, so he has a tendency to think he can help a deranged damsel, but he didn\'t deserve to be attacked because I filed for divorce. I hope you can be one of the few that actually get treatment to work, I really do. At the very least you have a sense of self awareness, and that is a good start. Good luck to you!

My wife refuses to even consider she has any kind of disorder or \"needs any help\". If she did things might be different. Also it is the rejection more than the lack of sex. I realize many people have physical issues that make sex impossible and that is another matter entirely. My wife bugged me about my weight when many women told me I was still too skinny. Once I hit 180 (I am 5\'10\"), she seemed to loose interest. At 220 it was like i was free willie but it all started when I went from 160 to 165-170 range. Imagine what a woman would say about a man who quit having sex with his wife because she gained weight, especially if it started over 5-10 pounds.

I do appreciate the fact you gave me your input. As I have told a couple of other borderline women I do understand her (my wife)and realize she probably does not want to act the way she does but understanding doesn\'t help much when her behavior does not change. I am not looking for perfection just someone who can acknowledge she has, if not a borderline personality, at least borderline tendencies. Whenever I try to explain to her how she treats me and how I feel all I ever get is this deer in the headlights look like what I am saying isn\'t even about her and she has no idea why I am saying this stuff. Either that or she denies it. Can you imagine living with someone for over 30 years who has to win every single argument even over thing so minor most people would not even bring them up much less cause an argument over them. I would eventually have to admit she was right and i was wrong and THEN she would berate me for not agreeing with her sooner. Even if i just lost my temper and admitted it i would get the same treatment. \"why did it take you this long to admit that\" she would say in her most condescending tone, even if I admitted my fault quickly. winning the argument was never enough for her, she had to also belittle me in an attempt to make sure it never happened again. For in her mind I never had the right to disagree with her EVER.
Anyway sorry to rant. I do hope you find peace in your life. I respect and admire anyone in life who tries to deal with their issues. I like to think I deal with mine as they come up. I know I do not always do so well but I try.
Also do not let the comments of what has happened in other people\'s live break your heart just because you have this disorder. You are not like everyone else nor are you responsible for the behavior of anyone else. Just take care of you. Life has enough problems for everyone without adding to them with unnecessary guilt or projection.
UbU its all you can do!

I am still trying to figure I am in a borderline marriage. I think that I am. I have been married almost six months now and it has been down hill since the honeymoon. My situation is even more crazy because my wife is very into the church as I'm I... She uses it to justify her actions. You have to see....I have never heard of this before until about a week ago. I have been so frustrated that I typed in google something about a "crazy wife." And this term came up. So I have been reading article after article.

I have always felt that the relationship was one sided. I always felt that I was giving alot more then she was. I also noticed that when she got upset, she seemed to over do it and say things that I didn't think she would say.

I have slowly realized that there was something not right about her. I always knew that she seemed to think alot of herself and she too used the religous part to make that point stronger. When we tried to get engaged, I offered her two rings to choose from. She didn't pick either ring and then told me that she thought I would have given her at least a carrot. I should have left it alone then but I didn't. I got her the ring she wanted and of course it was one that got her a lot of attention which she wanted.

She sings at church...... We have had fights that cause of both to be quiet on the way to church. She sings and we have service so I'm thinking that things will be okay after service....however she goes right back to how she was before the service....no change. One Sunday she blew up on me after church at my house and threaten to call the police.

She always makes sure the pastors of the church sees her....I many times feel like a second class citizen as she pays little attention to me when we are there.

On occasion, we would have sex. Afterwards she would tell me how wrong it was because we were not married and how she will be so happy when we get married and not worry about that. Funny thing was many times, she started it.

As with the pressures of getting the wedding planned.....she had several blow ups and several break ups. She cursed me a few times, pushed me, broke things in my yard...told me that she never wanted to see me in her house again and threaten to call the police on me because I was not at home so that she could get some things she had moved in my house that she had put in there the day before but due to a blow up....

After the wedding...we had a nice honeymoon. We had sex several times and she would wear one of the sexy outfits that had gotten at the bridle shower. When the honeymoon was over....it was over.

The sex went from everyday till now....maybe twice a month...if I'm lucky and even then it is not complete. When she climaxes, I have to stop and let her rest....usually which means nothing else. She does not seem to care about my wants or needs. When she does "try" to help me reach the end....she does it lackluster as if she does not want to be there so I ask her to stop.

I am very unhappy. I have reached the point after last night where I am not trying anymore. Very early this morning, I awoke in the mood....I guess she was too. So after she climaxed, I let her rest and tried again. However she was "sore." She is always sore afterwards. I am very gentle but that is what she uses. I don't remember that during the honeymoon.....

So I have decided to not drive myself crazy by letting her control me as she tries to do. I am not trying anymore because all I do is get disappointed.

I don't know what to do. I know if I say anything....its always my fault. We had agreed that we would share our debts and our bank account. I thought that would help us both ease into a better position with our finances. However that has not happened. I am paying just about everything at the house. She only pays her bills and buys some food. She is on my cell and car insurance....I have yet to get a dime of help from her. Too....when we go to dinner, I have to pay for that. She does not have to pay rent anymore nor a car payment.

I did find out that she is in a lot of debt. So much so that she takes out a payday loan just about every month. She is a school teacher and she thinks alot of herself. I know she would have a fit if she knew I knew this.

Also she talks about my house and how she does not like it there. If she sees a bug or spider.....its a excuse to leave. Nothing is every right there.....

She plays this image too at church...its almost alike she changes to someone else when we step on church property. She is so high and mighty when she is there.

Too....I found out that she lied about the wedding. I kept asking her how were we going to pay for the wedding. We even went to the pastor as I told him that we needed some time. She told him that God was blessing her with the money and that it would be taken care of and she got very upset at me for telling him that.

Now...I find out that she had taken out a loan for that.

I feel like a fool. All the signs were there but I refused to see them.

I don't care to go home after work these days...I don't look forward to the weekends anymore. My family felt something as they all warned me before about marrying her. I turned against them.....now I'm sorry that I did.

My birthday was a month ago. She did not do anything. She never asked if I wanted to do anything. I work two jobs so I went on and worked since she didnt say anything. When I got home, she got out of bed and gave me a small gift and card....then went back to bed. I was very disappointed being too we were newlyweds. I have not worn the gift yet. She only jokes about it.....too she always says that I'm over sensitive but if its the other way around. Its a whole different story.

I found some good support from a site called Welcome to OZ. It is for spouses of borderlines. They all say to either resign yourself to putting up with their **** for the rest of your life or develop an exit strategy. I developed an exit strategy.

I can appreciate your story. I started thinking things were amiss with my wife shortly before getting married. The pathological jealousy was a concern from about the 3rd month of dating, but I minimized it and assumed that it was a simple case of insecurity due to her losing her job recently and having no luck finding something to fill that gap, so she turned to me for that. Little did I know, there was more to the issues than that. Eventually, she turned up the pressure to get married, and I caved, thinking that if I did marry her, she would realize that I was intent on making a life with her, and her jealousy would subside. It did not, and things took a turn for the worse in general. Now there were accussations of infidelity every few days, she would fly into rages when I would tell her that she had nothing to worry about and that she needed to trust me, she started using my feelings and emotions as a means to fly off the handle and play the victim, or even worse, publicly ridicule me for having shown her that I am a human being with feelings and needs. On many occations I tried to get her some help. I always phrased it as \"we need marriage therapy\", knowing full well that I could wind up with a therapist that only made things worse by minimizing my feelings and siding with her (that is not all that uncommon, my brother experienced it with a former colleague of my mother, a colleague that my mother once respected, though my brother\'s situation wasn\'t with a personality disordered woman, they were just having normal maritial issues that weren\'t being resolved. Eventually they resolved them together after the therapy ended.) After 6 months of marriage, I left our home and I filed for divorce. I have peace now, but I still have moments where I think on her with a sense of anger because I intended to make a life with her, I wanted to make a life with her, but she is incapable of emotional intimacy. Like Omy said, develop an exit strategy. BPD is very difficult to treat, mostly because their self destructive behaviors carry over into therapy and the relationship between therapist and patient can be destroyed in a moment by the BPD\'s damaged interpretation of reality. She won\'t go back to the woman she was when you met. That woman was a fabrication. Develop an exit strategy.

Thanks for your comments. After some counseling with a pastor and one professional counselor from our church that had to be cut short when he moved out of state we met with a christian counselor our new pastor recommended. When my wife brought up the subject that my counselor who I was seeing for depression though my wife was a borderline this new counselor said he didn\'t like to \"label\" people. He then took a book off of the shelf and read the classic 6-7 or however many symptoms there were fora classic borderline that you had to have a certain amount of for a formal diagnosis. I had just mentioned my wife as having at least a few of them (separation anxiety, black and white thinking, compulsive spending, love hate relationship with me), but the counselor just read the symptoms, put the book back on the shelf and said \"well that takes care of that\". I was stunned that he dismissed the possibility in such a fashion but he did. Later when my wife had a major blow up (locking herself in the bathroom and crying and screaming hysterically for about 20 minutes), I tried to bring it up at the beginning of the next session. My wife cut in sharply and said no I always went first, this week she was going to go first and she brought out her list (she always had an actual list of all of the things I had done to bother her during the time since the last session), and took up the first half hour. I spent the next ten minutes responding to items on her list and then the counselor took up the rest of our time.
Her hysterical fit never even came back up. That was how every session went, she always went first taking up close to half the allotted time with only brief comments by me in defense or to clarify points, then I got to speak for about 10 minutes and then counselor took up the rest of the session. Counseling only brought about surface change and if i ever tried to hold her accountable to anything she agree to in counseling she would tell me \"I only said that because it was what he wanted to hear i never really believed it.\" Counseling with her was a waste of time.

I\'m sorry to hear you had such a time with your therapist. I can\'t say I\'m all that surprised though. Cluster Bs are masterful at finding well meaning apologists and negative advocates. It\'s almost like they can smell them. It\'s scary. I knew I\'d probably get nowhere going to therapy with her, but that was my last ditch effort, and really it was an untimatum. My though was that if she either flat out refused to see a therapis with me, or worse yet tell me we didn\'t have a problem(which she did) then I knew we were hopeless. I\'ve been In therapy trying to resolve some of my anger and the shame of falling In love with a woman that didn\'t really exist. If you are looking for some good resources, I suggest looking at Shrink4men.com.h

Forget the h at the end. That was a typo.

I have been to shrink4men before but probably need to check it out again. My wife also manipulated counselors from family services when we had some problems with our younger son. They would mention that both sides had to change or give a little but she would bristle at ANY notion that she needed to change anything at all. She would tell the counselor that she was a good mother who worked real hard and cared about her son and blah blah blah... Then as they would say in the westerns I have read you could just see the counselor pull his horns in. she really backed these guys down, its was pathetic and i was amazed no one ever called her on it. Its was almost as if they were saying \"oh my bad everyone in this house needs to change except for mom, mom is fine, mom is golden!

That has to be tough. We never made it that far, but two of my friends would give me that crap. She had them so manipulated that they started doing her attacking for her at times. I was kind of lucky though that she had a friend that would call her on her **** when my wife would start in.

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get out and get out now. providing support is like a black hole to these people with BPD. I know I was married to one. I "Was married" is the key word they cannot be fixed and will not get better while dragging you into their hell. It's not your fault and you probably wait for the moment when things are good. they become fewer and fewer until you're beaten down into pulp.

A good description of a borderline. I was telling people that about my wife when I was deciding to divorce. She is a black hole of need. I am sure most people if not all of them thought I was exaggerating but as you know that is not the case. Borderlines are that bad.

How did springsteen put it
"end up like a dog thats been beat too much
till you spend half of your life just a coverin up"
That was how it got for me

I am a designer and I am suffering many years now from very heavy depression.2years ago I meet a girl she is a poet and we fall at once in love...a very strange love.After I learned that she also suffers from borderline personality disorder (people who know what this disorder means..can only understand).We both were looking for a saviour but we found ourselfes,in an everyday battle to save our souls from collapsing,our minds and our hearts from breaking.We almost never use the word 'love"..but we both feel it,in our darkest thoughts,our slow and sad nights,so cold-so burned.But LOVE is there,keeps our hope alive.Makes me try only because of her shiny eyes.makes her try only because of my unfinished love....so complicated,so simple,so beautifull..we both share our beautyfull diseases of our mind,like the sun shares the light with the mornig star.She is my everything in my nothing...she is selfish,unkind,sometimes she is trying to hurt me as hard as she can.opening my unhealed wounds of depression with practises that remind to revenge.But I know that after,when it gets dark,she comes and cryies,full of guilty and I see deep in her eyes that she has the innocent look of a child.My friends told me to leave her,that she is a bad person,that she has a heart of stone....I see a lonely soul who needs as much love as she can get.The voices of people just fade away,everybody says "I LOVE YOU'..but I think only a few have really felt the blessed pain of the passion of being in love with somebody.I hope I will be strong enough,to offer her more love forever.

Best of luck to you but beware. I had that type of relationship with my wife for several years. It was us against the world. We had a wonderful sex life and I was able to overlook her selfish tendencies. She had suffered so much in the past from other guys and i was going to be the one to treat her right. It didn't work for me and it probably won't work for you. She won't get better, she won't change. If she later decides sex isn't important to her, you will have to deal with it. The light will go out of her eyes eventually and then you will see her for what she is, a deeply wounded person you cannot help.
You may beat the odds but i doubt it. My wife became nothing short of a black hole of needs I could never fill.

we are almost 2 years together and we both are not intrested in having sex.A gentle kiss and a warm hug is enough for me.I forget a whole week painted black,when I see her smile...even for some minutes.When I say "I love her",i mean I lover for what she is,not what she could be.The only thing I am asking for,are some advices to make her feel more comfortable,to help her deal with her disorder.I know that maybe she will never change,but I see that she is trying hard.I think that what we call selfish,is only a continious scream for help,she is trying to convince herself that I will always be there for her.It reminds me,of little children who are crying loud,not because it is nessesary but only to be sure they will get a hug and immediatly they stop crying and sceaming.It is a defense against the feeling of loneliness.

I used to belong to a great online support site called welcome to oz. They can help you but their main advice to me was either learn to deal with their crap for the rest of your life or develop and exit strategy. There is some possibility they can change if they admit they have a problem and are willing to deal with it but few borderlines either realize they have a problem or are willing to do what it takes to overcome it.
There are also borderlines on this site that may be able to help you. I deal with depression myself and that kept me in abuse cycle way too long with my BP. There were co dependency (when you draw you identity from how well you take care of others),issues with me as well.
If you want to stay with this person and think the abuse is worth it, by all means try to make it work. It is your life and you may need to at least say you tried. I know that is what kept me with my stbx so long. Yet yet you have as much right to a life as anyone else. Don't put up with abuse unless you make that choice. yourself. Don't put up with it out of some sense of loyalty or anything else.
Keep in touch. I care about you.

I just re read your last sentence. You see that is the problem. Borderlines are adults that act like children whenever they get mad, feel threatened or whenever. It seems like a normal reaction from someone who is hurting but it is not. You have to ask yourself if a friend came to you and told you they were in a relationship with someone who acts like a 5 year old every time they don't get their way you would tell them to run the other way from that person but in when you are in the middle of the relationship it just seems like the kind thing to do to help this hurting person. The problem is you loose a little piece of yourself in the process each time you do this. You can get to the point where you loose all sense of self because you are so wrapped up in this other persons problems. I know it happened to me and it isn't pretty. I still stayed with my wife after struggling through this period but got to the point where I had to lie constantly because it was the only way to get along. My wife would not allow anyone to disagree with her. I had to lie about all kinds of trivial stuff just to keep the piece. It was awful but lying often becomes the only thing you can do with someone who is that far from reality.

He4she2, I think I have borderline all the signs are there in some way or another and ive been with my husband since I was 17, 9yrs now and he doesn't really get it. While he loves me, he just has a very hard time understanding that I have a lack of control over certain emotions and reactions. I love him very much and I hate the monkey on my back! I do my best but to my dismay I'm not always able to keep my sanity. Ive been doing research on line trying to find some hope or tips or anything to help. I plan on making an appointment with my doc as soon as I figure out if our insurance will cover a psychologist. Anyway in my search for something to help in the mean time, your the only one that said anything that I felt something positive from. Your words touched me. It sounds to me that you really love this girl. I hope you are able to help her out of her prison. Good luck and God bless

Maybe, you realize you have things to work out and that is good. I belong to two different sites:
Welcome to OZ and
Out of the fog.
They both offer support and out of the fog especially has very detailed information on the nature of and diagnosis of personality disorders.
Many BPs are high functioning and realize a disorder. My wife is neither able to function well or admits she has a problem. As I say this I realize the word "problem" is relative. I for example have depression and take medication for it and see a counselor. If my wife or anyone close to me told me they thought I had other problems it would be up to me to take care of the issue. In some areas my wife is more function than me. She is much better at cleaning and picking up after myself. I am able to hold down a job, even a job I hate at times. She does not have this quality. I guess it comes down to emotional control with her. In areas she has complete control over such as taking care of the house, she is fine. With anything that requires any coping skills at all she is awful.
All this aside the list of things she cannot stand and will not tolerate has grown to the point where it became literally impossible to live with her. This included sniffing even if I had a bad cold, wiping sweat with my shirtsleeve when working on my car on a hot day (she would actually watch me to see it I did this), moving my toe at all whenever I was not wearing shoes in the house (I would start to move or curl my toe up and she would get made and demand I stop), licking you finger no matter how quietly or no matter what kind of food you were eating (again she would leave table and go to the kitchen when were were eating fried chicken or ribs and turn around real quick to see if we even start to raise our fingers to our hands), anywhere even in public she had a fit if even a small child made any clucking sound (we were in a mental health facility once for an issue with our son and another patient in the waiting room made one clucking noise and it was like alarms went off in her head she started asking "who is clucking, I hate clucking sounds"..I was real tempted to ask her "do you realize where we are"?). The list is much longer but you get the idea. Even if you wanted to avoid the things that bothered her it was impossible. She at the end, even got mad if i stood behind her in the kitchen waiting for her to get something out of the refrigerator, that was hovering.
You may display any or all of these traits but the difference is you want to treat people better. My wife does not, on any real level realize she treats me or anyone else badly. She has a complete disconnect in that area and has for years.
So I wish you the best and applaud you for your courage. there is help out there just don't give up if you do not find it right away.

I have known for a long time that I need help, but I wanted to manage on my own. I really thought I could. But I realize that I need something more then just myself. My husband and I have two young children, a girl who's almost 5yrs, and a boy who's 6months and I don't want them to have memories of me flying off the handle about silly stuff that ultimately doesn't matter, or being depressed for no apparent reason. I want to be a good wife and mother, I want to be who they deserve. I reached out for help about two in a half years ago, I went to the doc and she set got me an appointment with a psychiatrist but I freaked and didn't go. I was and still am affraid to face my demons, but its long over due and its not fair to the people I love to endure a punishment for something they didn't do. I cant give up anymore, ive done that too many times and it has gotten me nowhere. It has to change. I find it very sad that your wife is blinded by her demons. I hope someday she realized she has a problem and needs help. I feel for both of you, she cant be happy the way she is and your being made miserable by someone you love. I wish you luck in your journey out of hell

Thanks and best of luck to you.

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You are not alone. I have a wife that flies off the handle at any negative comments I make, knows everything and doesn't listen to most of what I say. She even threatened me with a knife for putting hot water in an empty milk jug followed by a total melt down over "my utter stupidity."

Do a search for welcome to OZ there are people there that can help you. The only regret I have so far in my decision to leave my wife is not doing it sooner. I still have no idea why I put up with the abuse for so long!

I am so surprised to find groups of people who are strugeling with the same type of abusive wives. I am a South African man with the same problem you are describing here. After a marige of 21 years I am finaly understanding why I am "not good enough" for her.
As technical teacher I made rapid promotinal progression through my career but have been cut down to being a piece of @#$% in front of family, friends and even collegues! I've had it! Even my two boys have decided to leave with me.
They are sick and tired of their mother treating us and my parents, whom they love very, much as dirt.
This is it.
Thanks guys, you helped me make up my mind

I am glad you are standing up for yourself. It is a mess right now for me but it will be worth it.

Omytvc: Be careful! Maybe I should say, Be afraid, be very afraid!<br />
Don't hook up, physically or emotionally, with any of the dolls you are now meeting online.<br />
You need to focus on the divorce, and don't give your soon2BX any ammunition to make it cost you more than it should.<br />
I am married to a man I suspect has BPD. We grew up together but had not seen each since our teens; then in our mid-forties, he searched for me online and we dated and married in less than a year (a mistake). <br />
He denied me sex on my birthday, going out instead for "emotional support" with a platonic female friend of his. He sets me up continually as his abuser; nothing I do is sufficient. He also denied me sex for 3 months last summer on a whim. I could see he was setting me up for another such situation and I divorced his sorry @$$. He is making trouble about the particulars and I don't know what kind of a financial hit I will have to take. Fortunately it was just a 2-year marriage.<br />
So, it is wonderful of you to have endured 6 years without sex. And it is not so much the lack of sex (one can always **********), but the rejection from someone who should be our intimate partner. That is the very nature of the disorder.<br />
Hang tough and go through with the divorce. Do not get involved with anyone else until it is at least 6 months into the past and you have had some therapy/counseling to understand what your codependency issues are that led to sinking into this kind of damaging relationship. Good luck.

The online support group is not a date line and I have no relationships outside of the site with any of the people in this group. Thanks for the warning about codependency. I am very aware of the issue and will seek as much help as I need.

For all the whimming that you do not many of you take action. Do you even realize your playing the same "victim" role? Or that you start to take on the same traits as the BP does? Why do you think they get so frustrated, they forsee you as a hypocrite for manipulation the same that you are upset at them for displaying. Take inventory of your self projection, I bet the "habits, and patterns " wont fall far from what you disliked in the actions of the bpd! <br />
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your own to are what "may be unaware you display! own house yo<br />
u'll be surprised to see what

I think you have no understanding of what living with a borderline is like.

Lol, it's good to see that at least I'm not the only one you blame for your issues. Jami, you have your own house to clean up and the problems are yours. Way to pass the buck, take responsibility for the inappropriate things you do, whether they are caused from the bpd or not. It is a disorder and an explanation, but it is never an excuse.

Well put. It took me a long time to realize it is a disorder but not an excuse. It wasn't until I saw some of the things that have happened to me were because of character flaws with my wife that I decided to take action. Her refusing to have sex with me was just one issue but I realized, far too late, that it wasn't just a problem she had but a choice she made. She knew it was important too me and it helped me. she even said I was a completely different person when I had a sex life, yet she chose to withhold it. I finally realized that wasn't the act of a person that cared for me, at least not one who could put m ahead of all her fears and hangups. I told her once that she loved her fears more than she loved me and she got mad but at the same time told me she didn't understand. Leaving aside the problem about being mad about something you do not understand, it was true that taking care of or avoiding her fear was far more important than anything to her. Compare to her fears I was way down the priority list! I remember reading something by Fredrick Pearls once that if a patient was neurotic, the problem was not the neurosis itself but all of the defense mechanisms the patient had built up over the years to protect their neurosis. That made sense to me and makes even more sense now that I have lived through it. I just had to realize that even if my wife admitted her issues in any meaningful way there would be all this junk to work through to get her to be even functional again. I have taken it for too many years already. I wasn't going to stick around any longer to see if i could crack the first layer of her defenses.

I have read everyones comments and I agree with most of what has been said. I am going through a divorce with a BPD sufferer. I was a widow with four small children and this woman swept me off my feet for two years before I married her. She is beautiful and as I have since found out had been a ******** and prostitute. She was having affairs during our engagement secretly and continued through the 9 year marriage. She would go for months not talking to any of us in the house. It was torturous, but she has finally gone. I don't understand her. I have read books, I have talked to Phsycologists, but no one can explain the need for a secret life or the need to destroy other peoples lives with malicious lies. I am a broken man and am trying to pick myself up. I thank you all for your comments, while I am not pleased you are suffering too, I am comforted that there are people out there who understand. I treated this girl like a princess from the start and have never raised my voice. She has herself confined that I abused her daily, wouldn't let her have any friends, and that I tell lies. I don't and have never done any of these horrible things. I have to stop analysing it because there is no answer.

Right now I am seperated from my stbx and every time my son says something mean to her she says it is because I am poisioning his mind against her. She refuses to accept the fact that my son is expressing his own opinion and needs no help from me to understand what type of person she is.

It sounds like PAS, wich also doesn\'t surprise me. I\'m one of the lucky ones that got out without having any biological children with mine, though I was extremely close to her kids. They are living with their bio dad (who is a wonderful man) now, so that sets my mind at ease.

Hey buddy, Ive been in the same type of relationship and I am only 29, I feel like Im gonna have a heart attack every day that I am alive. She is draining me in every way. I wish I could give you good advice, but i am still stuck in the ****. I guess what it comes down to is we make a promise to ourselves to fix the situation and we make a promise to them that we'll never leave. People with BPD find good men, then tear us down and exploit us to their satisfaction. I am writing this in hiding too. What it comes down to is we are ******* and put our women before us. If any bpd woman understood the **** they put their man through, they would realize the love we have and, for normal people, there wouldnt be anymore problems so severe. A person with BPD will never feel loved by you because they dont love themself, and the only reason you are still with her is you dont love yourself either. (I speak from experience) I am a bright student working toward a PhD and I am still stupid enough to put up with this **** daily. Best of luck to you and please, If you ever grow the balls to leave her, tell me how.

You should read some of my other stories. I also went oon a site called Welcome to OZ which is dedicated to people with partners that have borderline personalities. I have told my wife for years I think she is verbally abusive (she doesn't think so), that she has no clue how she treats me or other people (this gets the deer in the headlights look), and that I have to agree with anything she says or she gets mad (she denies this). I was making plans to leave her and the advice I was getting was to make my plans and leave. I started talking to people on EP and go one woman's phone number. I let my gaurd down for a momment and she found my cell phone and looked to see my call log. She found a number from canada and demanded to know who it was from so I told her I was planning on divorcing her and this is someone i met online and have been talking to. I told her the reasons mentioned above and also told her the last straw was when she got into an argument with our adopted son and called his birthmom and told her she could pick him up any time she wanted to.
Actually the fact I was talking to another woman online helped the situation in a way. Now she has a reason to hate me and to focus her anger on. She has been up and down and the whole situation is ugly. She will probably never understand why I want this divorce as she does not think she has a problem. I don't know how either of us is going to survive financially but i will work two full time jobs if that is what it takes.
I have since met a woman who lives closer to me than canada and she knows everything about me and is very understanding. It is strange to find someone so accepting when I have spent over 34 years with someone who has cut me down and been verbally abusive. The change is wonderful and I hope it continutes.

As someone with BPD, it sounds like she has this but she sounds like she has the Narcissism too, I have BPD as well but while I don't understand the pain I've put my husband through, I really do feel horrid about everything I've done and I am seeking help, leaving her I feel is justified in your case, if she can't and won't seek help then it is healthier for you to leave, I would absolutely lose it if my husband left me, but I've tried VERY hard to be mindful of what I say and do until my appointments are scheduled, and it is VERY difficult for me to be careful about my tone/actions/words.

Best of luck to you and I really hope you find happiness and I hope one day your wife recieves the help she so desperately needs.

You are the only one that can set the limits you can take. My advice to you, get into therapy now. It may help you realize why you are there and make steps to get out before you waste 20 years only to look at a wife that hates you and children that don\'t respect you and feel like yoh wasted your life. I\'m going to go out on a limb here and share with you why my therapist thinks I was there. Plainly, she seems to think I was punishing myself for a series of failures I hadn\'t quite bounced back from, but once I healed (amazingly in the midst of living in the nut house) I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw and realized who I am didn\'t fit ehat my wife tried to convince me I was and actively tried to turn me into. And I have to say, I agree with ny therapist. I healed while refusing my wife to cut me deeper, and when I realized I was healed, I discovered that I didn\'t like the person sleeping next to me. I realized she was a petulant child in an adult bodt at best and an emotional predator at worst. Either way, I knew I would never be fulfilled with that woman.

But lets be honest, those of us here probably had no idea that bpd existed before we met our spouses. If we had, we would have stayed as far away from them as we probably stayed away from people with severe cases of terrets syndrome or any other condition that we all know would prevent a healthy life together. <br />
All that I have read states that medication has questionable and limited impacts on bpd and is usually ineffective because the bpd person refuses to accept the are a problem. <br />
I have been married for 15 years and have been beaten, emtionally and verbally abused. If I had known 14 years ago what I know now, I would have cut her loose and lived a happy, love filled life with a woman that is CAPABLE of loving. In stead, I took the long painful scenic route to come to the realization that it is NOT me but her, I (nor anyone else) do not deserve nor have I done anything to earn the type of treatment I am given. Mates, I would wish that kind of curse on the devil himself... <br />
Cut your losses while you still can. Thats my humble advice.

It is sad but true but cutting my losses is what i am doing. I have had t o be a cold son of a ***** in some ways in order to do it. She keeps trying to lay the guilt trip on me and i am not responing at all nor will I anymore. I am through with that part of my life. I am very sorry dutchman you had to go through what I am still going through but it helps to know I am not alone and that others have reached the saem conclusion as I have. Thanks so much for writing.

Yeah you are not alone, but then again you are because you are the one that is forced to spend day after day with a dysfunctional person we are not going to come over to your house to difuse the arguments and we are going to be standing there telling your BPD spouse that her accusations are untrue. Thats going to be you and only you. Its your life you choose how you want to spend it.

thank for you input. first of all she was on meds and quit for no reason at all. Second we have been to counseling and i have tlaked to her very directly about our issues. She also doesn't hate her disorder because she refuses to admit she has one. I will let her know ahead of time she has the choice to get help first before I leave but i know she won't. People with personality disorder rarely get better and never get better if they don't face the problem they have.