Choices People Make

I had a response to a post I made to someone in a relationship with a someone with a borderline personality. They said that being a borderline was a diagnosis and explanation but not an excuse. Here is how I responded:

Well put. It took me a long time to realize it is a disorder but not an excuse. It wasn't until I saw some of the things that have happened to me were because of character flaws with my wife that I decided to take action. Her refusing to have sex with me was just one issue but I realized, far too late, that it wasn't just a problem she had but a choice she made. She knew it was important too me and it helped me. She even said I was a completely different person when I had a sex life, yet she chose to withhold it. I finally realized that wasn't the act of a person that cared for me, at least not one who could put me ahead of all her fears and hangups. I told her once that she loved her fears more than she loved me and she got mad but at the same time told me she didn't understand. Leaving aside the problem about being mad about something you do not understand, it was true that taking care of or avoiding her fear was far more important than anything to her. Compare to her fears I was way down the priority list! I remember reading something by Fredrick Pearls once where he said that if a patient was neurotic, the problem was not the neurosis itself but all of the defense mechanisms the patient had built up over the years to protect their neurosis. That made sense to me then and makes even more sense now that I have lived through it. I just had to realize that even if my wife admitted her issues in any meaningful way there would be all this junk to work through to get her to be even functional again. I have taken it for too many years already. I wasn't going to stick around any longer to see if i could crack the first layer of her defenses.
OmyTVC15 OmyTVC15
51-55, M
Sep 4, 2012