Enlightened Late

I have been married for 32 years to what I feel is a borderline personality disordered man. We had 3 children in the union.

I have left this man 5 times for abusive behavior, and have returned 4 times based on his manipulation of being the husband that I thought I had married. I left in January of this year and I can safely say that with lots of research, soul searching, I am away from him. Emotionally and financially.

I must first say if you're married to someone with this disorder you must first get finances and career in order to leave this relationship...It NEVER will change!

I was married maybe 7 years and had 2 children, part time employed, when his behavior started to change.It creeps into your daily life of children, household, and activities.

The first incident I can recall is when I had gone to layaway coats for my children at local dept store. He usually was home around 10 pm that evening, but that night he was home early due to equipment malfunction. He had started drinking, and when I got home he was furious that I was not there, and started accusing me of "running around" on him! With children in tow? The next thing I knew he threw heavy glass so hard at me, and luckily missed my head, that it stuck in wall.I left it there for 4 days. When I confronted him about it, He said " I didn't do that. You just did that to F*** with me." That was the start of hearing that F word nearly once a week..I spent the next 25 years F****** with him, as his perception was.

The next few years incidents were sporadic, but as time went by they become more frequent. And I must say raising a child in this chaotic environment is abusive to them. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. I had the ability to deny the incident happen myself. After a night of raging, I would get up the next morning, fix children breakfast, take them to school as if everything was great. We NEVER talked about it. After an episode HE would act as if nothing happened too. After a few days, I persuaded myself all was great in our relationship. Friends and family think so too. Anything to move forward on my path of distorted, thinking. Here in lies the PITFALL of this relationship. It takes two to play this game.

Throughout the years, I would feel his mood changes and I would take children out for drive until he fell asleep. We would sneak back in later in the night, sometimes with DIRE consequences, sometimes not. If he was awake the raging would start. Twice he was waiting for us in the yard in his truck and he would chase around the house trying to run over us! This happened twice. I had incident after incident, of him trying to choke me, kicking me out the door, a gun incident where my older son and I disarmed him. One particular cruel one was him throwing me out of hotel at 3 am in city I was not familiar with and had 5 dollars in my pocketbook. It was our anniversary weekend trip. He would always say I had no choice, either his behavior, or leave, and "You don't make enough money to survive"... You get the picture.

Throughout all these years I secured some really good positions of employment and kept moving up ladder. I also started dong some massage therapy on the side. I was licensed in 1997, and I worked very Long, hard hours to build my reputation up. Often working 14 hours to get both jobs completed.

In 2008 an incident that flipped switch in my switch in my disordered thinking brain. My youngest daughter and and her boyfriend (Asleep on the sofa, thank god) had fallen asleep early because we had to leave for volleyball tournament at 4 am. My husband was in living room and started going through my cell phone, and tried to access voicemail, but in his drunken state could not get password right. That started an episode or "nighttime rage", and he was making his way into bedroom to get gun. Daughters boyfriend, who knew how to disarm guns, took the gun away from him. We then spent next 30 minutes taking some 30+ guns apart. Throwing shells out into the yard, hiding this and that. Thank goodness he was there! During this time my husband had called the police to let them know what a ***** I was..the dispatcher wanted to talk to me, but he wouldn't let them. This set him up for a hostage situation. Very scary and I knew it. Luckily his brother came to get him before officers arrived.

After that incident, I realized I am 50 years old and I really didn't have a "Safe Haven" to go to after work. My home was a "house of horrors" and I knew what I had to do. At my age I had a right to peace and quiet. I found an apartment close to my grown children, and to my surprise may massage practice has doubled in cliental, and I am doing very well. I have had the summer of my life. traveled around my beautiful state taking photos and experiencing things I could have never did with him. He on the other hand played his game of calling our children, his and my friends, trying to convince them Im crazy. But I must say, I am the happiest of my life minus the birth of our children. He is not doing so well. He has lost weight, went into deep depression and now is unable to work due to health issues. He is obsessed/tortured about getting me back. KARMA? Its something to think about.

lovebug1961 lovebug1961
Sep 6, 2012