Married To A Semi Functioning Alcoholic

My husband is able to work and hold down a job (for now). The minute he gets home or on the weekends he drinks. He is the type of person that when he drinks he gets mean and irrational. We have 2 kids and I don't know what to do. I live on pins and needles waiting for something bad to happen. My kids won't invite friends over. He is mean to them and combative when he drinks. He has been able to STOP on his own for weeks at time but he always starts up. The more he drinks the more I eat! I am fat with high blood pressure & probably diabetes by now because I self medicate with food. I really don't know what to do. I am afraid that if I force him out of our house he will drink more and who knows??? His father was an alcoholic and he said he would never drink because of the way he father was. But now he is his father. He says I am avoiding the issues of "us" I told him I can not work on 'us' or care to until he is 100% clean and sober!!!
msshouldistayorgo msshouldistayorgo
41-45, F
4 Responses Jan 12, 2013

I too am married to a functioning alcoholic who turns into a slobbering, mean, (verbally), irrational and obnoxious man when drunk. He cant have just one, but instead, slams down one after the other until he passes out. Even his friends have told hin he can not drink! After enabling and allowing the behavior for the first nine months of my marriage, i could no longer take the verbal abuse. No one had ever treated me so poorly. I struggled for weeks with my decision to give him an ultimatum: me and AA, or you and your bottle! Given in tears, to my surprise he chose me. Dont think it was easy, it was not. For the first 3 wks he stopped drinking but reminded me daily how now we could not travel, go to dinner, socialize etc as he could not do those things if he couldnt drink. My therapist kept telling me to leave him, but instead i quit going to th therapist. On wk 4 he attended his first AA meeting and came home reporting that it was a good meeting and that he knew he needed to go.

Surprise to me, he drinks himself into oblivion when he travels AWAY from me.
He remains an alcoholic, however, has only tested me on two occasions, coming home drunk. Both time I immediately we t to the guest room, ignoring him totally, and each of those times he has appologized. 4 years later, he still binges when away, goes to his weekly AA meeting where he lies to them all, telling him he is sober 4 years. He also asks if we could try him drinking for this or that event. I always reply; i can not be around you when you are drinking! Alcohol means divorce. He chooses me.
Nonetheless, I have to detach when he goes on a business or family trip and binges. I never tak his calls after 4:00pm when h is away as i know he is in a state of "Otis" (remember Otis the drunk on Mayberry RFD?"
Whatever you do, do something! Or loose yourself forever. You are stronger than you think!

First. you have to think of your children. They are the important thing in your life. I raised my daughter alone. But I made it a point that when she went to bed at night she was in a safe place. You need to get your children away from this situation. Think what emotions they are going through.

((((hugs))) I have never dealt with a drunk let alone an alcoholic. i agree with the previous poster, whatever you do, you need to make yourself a priority...you need to get back in control of you..You can not control him, only he can do that...so stick to what you can do...Fix yourself...When you do that...then decide what you do next. As for the alcoholism, I am reluctant to recommend Alanon..i went to a meeting, with a friend..i was disappointed. i thought Alanon would offer constructive help.it did not. it is a support group.You don't need a shoulder to cry on. All they did was cry and complain to one another. I was really shocked. You need information. Now if you do decide to go anyway, they may have brochures available to help you understand an alcoholic, and that is at least something. But i am wary, because i don't want to give the impression that fixing your husband, that controlling his alcoholism, is your responsibility, because it is absolutely is not. That problem is his bag, his burden..the real problem is..this burden of living with an alcoholic is crashing down on your head.

Thank you for the input. I was thinking of going to Alanon so I am glad I found this avenue to share my stories and read peoples input. It is therapeutic & uplifting. I know I am not alone in my plight but it feels like it when my weekends are one big stress fest! Once again thank you & be well!

Trust me in saying that I used to drink alot more than him and I have a father who is my stepfather really and my biological Dad. both drink way more than they should yet they have survived until they are 60 and they started in their 20's. I did the same thing and stopped around 31. Now my advice to you is get yourself straight with your diabetes and YOUR health as YOU will feel better about yourself and maybe kickstart a health thing or maybe he might even quit. I am not condoning what he does cause I did it for over a decade myself but I wasn't the angry drunk. I only pushed back when pushed so I dunno just a few thoughts for you I hope it works out and at least YOU will feel better yourself knowing that YOU made a change that was good for your family and you did your best. Leave him up to him and he will work it out in the end. I reallyu do wish you well and add me as a friend and keep in touch and let me know how you are goin from time to time

Thank you so much for your insight I really appreciate it. If you don't mind I would like to know what was your 'rock bottom' that everyone talks about with alcoholics to make you stop. I agree with tailing care of me because it's been all about getting him to quit & the kids and never about me. How do I stop worrying when he leaves the house & I am worried? Stay well & thank you!

add me and I will tell you !! I know I am anon. on gere pretty much but I would rather pm you than put it out there if you know what I mean !