I Feel Insane

I met my husband through a childhood friend.  I heard stories about how crazy he was and about how he overdosed once or twice on a heroin / cocaine mix.  I figured he had some rough times, but i honestly did not know how bad he really was.  We never really spoke a word to eachother.  He actually made me a little nervous and I thought he was full of himself so i never approached him.  Then after atleast 10 years of being around him we began to talk.  I couldn't believe how sweet he was.  He was actually shy and way different then i thought he was.  We clicked within minutes.  I think I literally fell in love the moment we kissed.  He asked me one night why I gave him the time of day knowing that he had the history he had and I genuinly stated "I think there is more to you then drugs"  What I really felt deep within my heart was that he was confused and lacking love and didnt have any great friends in his life. I felt that if we continued loving eachother like this, why would he want to do drugs to that extent.  Sue me, I thought that I could give him something to live for.  In the meantime,  his brother got my bestfriend pregnant; i had set them up together just a few months prior to the pregnancy.  It just appeared so meant to be, we were all really happy.  We were deep into each other at this point, very affectionate, making future plans, living together, etc.. and he turns to me one day and says that he wants to marry me and have a baby.  He hit such a weak spot with that one cause I wanted a baby more then anything in the whole world.  So, I thought to myself, this feels so right, he is amazing, I never felt more in love with anyone like this in my whole life, I want a child, he wants a child, what better way to bring life into this world.  Well, we tried for months but I couldnt get pregnant, part of me was crushed but the other part was kind of relieved.  Because he was starting to go from playful partying with me to out of control.  He was getting comfortable I guess.  He started getting paranoid, controlling, embarassing me in front of my friends, etc...Then he even overdosed one night, it was the scariest moment of my life...I woke up in the morning to wake him for work and he was close to dead...I called 911, they had to shoot him with narcane or whatever that stuff is...He survived, but I didn't think I could so I left...He begged, he changed for awhile and even went to rehab.  So i moved in with him with the hopes that we could make a fresh start.  But then I started abusing drugs with him.  Fortunately,  that wasnt me at all, so it didnt take much for me to realize I wasnt going down this road...I left and this time I moved to my fathers and told him the truth about what I was doing....My boyfriend didnt give up, he begged me to give him a shot and even started taking medication for anxiety and depression.  I sensed that he has ADD from his childhood and felt that he was self medicating.  He was such a hard worker and a good guy, this drug thing just was not him.  I couldnt let him go because i truly felt that he would grow out of it or whatever.  We both decided that we needed a change, we were going to stop going out on the weekends and decided that having a baby right now was just a bad idea....Things started to calm down a bit and guess what, I was pregnant like a month later, we were only together like a year at this point.....I cant tell you how bad I wanted this baby, you honestly have no clue how bad I always wanted kids.....This was the happiest moment of my life....So we had a plan.....He moved in to my fathers with me and we were preparing for the rest of our lives....Well, I was on cloud nine but he just started  celebrating even more..But you see, he didn't hide it when he got high, he didn't lie, i think that is what threw me off.  Its not like he would go out and get  high.  He was the type that would get high by himself....He would sniff cocaine and just hang around the house, maybe leave and get more, but come right back...he couldnt hide it because his jaw banged so badly....He couldnt even speak when he was on it, so its not like he could go out and hang out with people...The next day he would talk about how he didnt even know why he did it and wasnt going to do it anymore...I think he really meant it to be honest, it just had such a grip on him...From abusing it so much and for so long, his brain and body went nuts even when he did a little bit....His hands would spaz out and his mouth and then he would run around the house shutting all the windows and stuff...He would get all paranoid and think he heard things, he imagined i was doing things in the other room, it was really stange..Anyway, i started to feel like he wasnt just celebrating the birth of our new child....but more so the fact that I was now locked  in for life.....I had no clue what i got myself into....I thought that I had a great guy who was a tad bit too wild, you know, a bit of a bad boy!  Yeah right, I was with a full blown junkie! The next nine months were just ridiculous....I loved him so much and I wanted a happy family so desperately..I begged him to get clean....He couldnt do it, he ruined everything right up to the night my water broke...When my beautiful daughter was finally born he left the hospital got plastered and sniffed tons of stuff and whatever else so bad that he couldnt make it back to the hospital the next day....i kept calling him cause i was humiliated that everyone was showing up except him....so he decided that the only way to get out of it was to show up with an engagment ring, i guess he felt that a ring would get him off the hook for being 14 hours late... so he ran out...got me a ring....proposed to me in my hospital bed...we hugged...kissed...bla bla...and when i turned around...he was asleep in my bed...i ignored it all though...i covered it up as usual...i was becoming a pro....i had a baby girl now...a beautiful husband to be who had a great career....and nothing was going to spoil this...i was a strong woman and he was just scared about being a new dad...i could fix this! Well that is obviously what i talked myself into...So we ended up getting married about four months after my daughter was born...small wedding in a chapel..Nothing changed and then he even got violated on probation... He was on probation when we met and he had no drivers license...so anyway, he got caught driving and he had to do a month or two in prison...so right before he left...my daughter was a few months old...i got pregnant again..but i figured...this is it!  when he comes out of jail...he will be off probation, he can finally get his license and we can put all this behind us!  So i waited and we finally got our own place as a family! So, here we were, a one year old baby girl and a gorgeous newborn baby boy...perfect family, new start in our new place!  Even though he was getting high here and there from the day we meant, I was just not letting my dream get crushed....I loved this man...I was determined to make it work, he just needed to grow up and I was not giving up....Well, in our new place, things got nuts!  He had already put his hands on me before, nothing crazy, but was does "nothing crazy"  really mean anyway....I had already been pushed, grabbed, etc..enough to make it into an after school special show or maybe even a Lifetime movie...I blamed it on the drugs, which was the reason, he was losing his god damn mind....It was like he was never actually straight anymore, when he was actually high he was coming down and before he had a chance to feel clear again he would get high...Things were getting more and more heated and the anger was building....He got arrested five times in the year we started in our first "home" of our own...His very first possession charge, more driving without a license and something else, i dont even remember...he obviously never got his license or his act together...he was looking at more time....the kids were seeing things they shouldnt see and they were getting older...I was working so hard at sheltering them and making them feel that there life was just perfect, I was not doing anything for me and my health, mentally or physically....i was a train wreck...I couldnt take care of two babies alone, it was hard..I started taking painkillers because i realized that if I took one i got energy and could do more around the house and for the kids...He was now selling these pills to pay for all his lawyer bills and to make up for the drug money he spent, so they were around when i needed them and free of charge, cause he was getting them from a doctor through his insurance...i didnt feel so dirty about it cause it was a legal script and i wasnt spending any money..it didnt take long to form a habit and if anyone knows about painkillers, once you form a habit you need to kick to stop taking them...How was i going to take a week to get sick with two small children..not to mention, who wanted to stop taking them...my life was now ****, i felt like white trash...nothing mattered anymore except my babies...and i had more energy for them, i justified it!  I also became obsessed with being the perfect parent cause i was all they had but that is another story....I finally had to tell my parents how serious it was...bla bla bla! Now my mom was involved so that was the end of keeping it under wraps...she wanted me home...everyone felt the need to continue repeating to me how I had to protect the kids...no ****!  Durrrr, they were all i cared about, that was insulting to me to hear that...But how was i going to raise two babies on my own with no career, no money, etc...well needless to say, he broke up my happy home and i moved into my moms basement with two kids..he didnt follow, well kind of...he managed to make his way to the door every chance he got to beg for my forgiveness.we were on and off until he left for prison..he caused many scenes at my mothers and she refused at one point to let him in the house..the funny thing is, in my relationship, there were never any lies...when he would get high he felt the need to be around us, he would say that; how he felt the need to watch us or protect us or whatever.  So he basically just openly admitted it by showing up with his jaw banging...if i didnt let him in the house he would just lurk around and peep in the windows and stuff, it became more and more crazy...but anyway...he went to jail for 7 months...at this point i was starting to lose it...living in my moms basement...wondering what the best thing for me and the kids was....missing him, hating him....it was getting bad...but i figured..i wouldnt let him know it, but i might give him another shot..Seven months in prison had to be rock bottom...well no it was not rock bottom... he was out of jail for literally 3 hours and he got high..then he overdosed in my mothers house...cause even though cocaine was his drug of choice, he dabled with heroin...the problem with him doing heroin is that if he fell asleep while using, he couldnt wake up...Anyway, after waiting seven months and seeing him start again immediately, that was my breaking point....i thought i was going to die at that very moment...i felt so betrayed and so dumb....so lets see....it took him a little bit but within 6-9 months he got me a house...a rental, but a beautiful house on the water....it went against all my better judgement but i gave it a shot...we put down a deposit, showed the kids, started painting and he got high while we were painting the house...on a few occasions no less....i said screw this and didnt do it...he moved in and i didnt...i was getting smart....then we had a scene at my mothers house and he put his hands on me in front of my kids again so i called the cops...they automatically placed a stay away order against him for like 5 years.....so i decided to quickly move into the house and claim it ....i figured that he wasnt going to live there alone and i needed to get my kids living a normal life as quicky as possible...they had been living like really ghetto and they were only a few years old...we had moved like five times already...to his moms, my moms, my dads, an apartment and back to my moms...it was about time they had a stable residence...i had to step up and start realizing that they were getting older and if i didnt start changing things they were going to grow up messed up...so getting to the end of this saga...he has been in and out of the house trying to make it work, but kept messing up of course...See, at every other place we lived, I couldnt make him leave when he got high unless i went to court or whatever...that was obviously a problem....i almost felt that if he would just go somewhere and get high and stay away from us maybe i could handle it...i know it sounds ridiculous...I couldnt let the kids see this, plus he would spill cocaine on the floor and stuff, leave parafanalia around the house, do wierd things, keep me up, etc...Anyway, now, cause of the stay away order...if and when he got high i finally had the capabilites of making him leave....which was necessary cause like i had mentioned...when he gets high it shows and the kids were starting to know when he was high...my daughter would ask why he was making funny faces...It was really surreal and the memories still haunt me,  truly beyond comprehention....how could i have my kids around this and how could i continue to be around this without going crazy...he would sware up and down he would stop but never would!  so he left for real this past october, on his own this time...no police involved, no threats, nothing! so i hired a lawyer...bla..bla..  I have accomplished leaps and bounds since he left...i finally got a job, after not working for like 6 years...i paid off some debt, got the bills in my name, ect.....Now when he gets mad he can't turn off our lights again...i also got my own bank account so i can cash my own checks...i finally felt independent again..Aside from the fact that cause he drove my car without a license, i cant get my own car insurance and he jacked up all my credit cards and now i have to claim bankrupcy....I was still actually seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.....But i had always talked myself into that if i had money i would leave him in a heart beat....i convinced myself that i stayed cause i wanted the best for the kids and i couldnt work cause they werent in school...and that once they were in school and i could work and not depend on him i would be out...well, guess what, everything worked out better then i planned, i dont need him and i am still not happy...i got what i wanted..he is out of my life ... sort of....  and now i am missing him wondering if we should try counseling...i feel like i should support him...i am wishing i had that family that i always wanted...he is now in rehab so that is why i am wondering if maybe just maybe he could get clean this time around...when he gets out he is possibly facing more jail time...he swears he is done this time....my kids are crying for him....he is calling me and he sounds great of course cause he is in rehab...he always sounds normal from there...but point is...for the first time in a long time...i realize that i am angry as hell...maybe all this anger is holding me back from giving him a fair shot...i have been driven by anger...but now i am more sad then i am angry..the anger comes out still constantly, but the sadness is here for the first time since the beginning...it has been years since i have been able to cry .... now i cant stop crying and i dont know where it is all coming from...i truly feel insane and like i am having a nervous break down.....and i dont know whats right and whats wrong...if i am crazy....if he's sick and sucking me back in or if im sick and im not allowing the marriage to work...do i subconciously love drama or something?....Not to mention, i am still on these pills, i hate them, i finally arranged a way to just kick them...I figured out a way to set it all up so i dont have to be away from the kids but i have help with them while i get sick and get these nasty things out of my system...so i also wonder if these stupid pills were stopping this marriage from working...not like the main reason or anything...i personally dont think i ever would have wound up wth this habit if i wasnt living in hell...but you know what i mean?  Am i a hipocrit? Not like there is any excuse to use drugs but i wasnt like getting all high and stuff..nodding off or acting like an idiot....I got the script from a doctor, took the bare minimum to just avoid getting sick...no one ever even knew i was on them..trust me i am not justifying it, i am just saying, it was my own personal vice...i took care of my kids and myself, ect...didnt involve anyone else...didnt hurt anyone..i am now not even on the original medication, i am on a different pill that helps you get off the other..but i still feel like its grose and i cant wait to get off them...im scared and confused and sick to my stomach...my kids are making it even harder cause they miss him so much...to make it even worse, the cops are telling me that if i keep having him come around and i have to call them again...i am going to lose my credability cause i am subjecting my kids to a junkie...so now i am really screwed...i cant really let him in if i wanted too...anyone know how to let go of anger or get rid of this pain....Thanks for listening!  cant stop crying!

cantstopcrying cantstopcrying
2 Responses Mar 16, 2009

I would like to know what has happened since this post is a couple years old.<br />
Our stories are similar, except I had no children. I think you need to move on and let him go because the pain of losing a dad is better than the pain of having one that will never really be a dad for them and you have already seen that life is much easier without him. You have a roof over your head, money, car, and pride. My story ends with a divorce, ex-husband in prison, and me happily ever after. Best of luck to you

i hope you made the right decision for yourself and your kids. i know how manipulating and deceitful addicts can be.