Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

My Sexless Marriage - It Took 20 Years For Me To Find Out What Is Wrong

I've been in a sexless marriage for 20 years and have sought help for my loneliness for the last 10 years. No one ever mentioned asexuality to me, I talked to therapists, counselors, clergy. They all suggested that either something was wrong with our relationship or my husband was a latent homosexual. We tried marriage counseling and it made me crazy, I felt like no one could hear me. I tried and tried to figure our relationship out and make it better but nothing worked. It's not just the sex, it's a lack of passion, intimacy, deep caring. It's been such a lonely and difficult road. Finally, a few days ago I heard the term "asexual" and researched it online. That's it, that's the problem, I'm sure of it. I mentioned the term to my husband, outside of the context of our marriage, just to plant a seed. He vehemently responded with "That's not me! I desire you! You read too much." I'm so discouraged, I really need people to talk to. I'd love to talk to women who found out late and can tell me how they dealt with it, how their spouses responded when it was finally figured out. I don't know where to go from here, I don't want to stay in a lackluster marriage.
allbttr allbttr 46-50, F 12 Responses Oct 22, 2011

Your Response

Cancel

I feel like I'm reading about my life!

thanks for your post. I really empathize. I have been in a sexless marriage for 15 years. I have tried everything and finally have realized that there is no hope whatsoever and there is no interest whatsoever from my husband in sex with me. I want to divorce him but am worried about my son who is twelve and has begged me not to leave his father. The main thing I want to walk away from this marriage from when my son is older is self-respect. I am trying to maintain my looks, and my weight. I have a successful professional career and am mostly focused on trying to get my kids through school and out the door. I know my husband will probably propose sex about six times a year until that day but from my side, I will never initiate sex again. Too many rejections, too much investment that has resulted in absolutely nothing. So tremendous loneliness, and a lot of pain to go through. And of course, this is all secretive. I would never tell anyone that I am in a sexless marriage. People adore my husband and find him so charming. This is really my dark secret that i am always trying to find ways to handle. This isn't the life I had planned for myself but my main concern is my children so I try to stay focused on them. I wish you a lot of luck and if you don't need to stay for your children, can I beg you to LEAVE immediately and start a new life for yourself???

I can relate sister. Its not just the sex. Its about the lack of intimacy, living like platonic roomates who have a deep affection for each other, but are no closer than any other friendship would be.... it's a very lonely marriage. But I tell myself that there are worse things, right?

Yes, I'm still with him.

Hi, reading comments below I found that the truth is simple and absolute. People doesn't change, take it or leave it. My husband tell me that he is done when someone is yelling at him, and his refinishing of yelling is talking about sex matters. If we don't talk about sex everything is appear to be fine, but no sex involved. If I try (yes, that is always me) to even ask about sex, for him it is same as I was yelling. Big taboo, very offensive, his little dummy wife irrespective to him. I particularly see no point to even try to involve any other not professional people, they will stereotype your marriage and tell: this is not normal, or everyone lives like that which will no absolutely any help to you or your husband. I still hope to negotiate some intimacy at least 2 times a year, lol, is it really me?.. And the rest of the time will be fulfilled with ************? With him snoring aside? Sound kinda creepy...with my sex drive which required daily masturbations anyway I understand no men can keep up with me for a long time, but I never imagine cruelty of the nature to find and get in love with ABSOLUTLY asexual man. This is so unimaginably cruel and disgusting to try to negotiate what your genes telling to you. Feeling nature inside is screaming, making your blood pressure jump, and your mood swing, asking for normal, natural sexual releive, which even masturbations can not provide, only another human with an oldfasion touch and the only man you are really devoted has no same impulses: he is absolutely dead, cold, quiet, patient, good father, good friend, good worker, good financial provider, he just absolutely not connected to understand you, to see that you are suffering, to releive the pain you are in. No emotions involved, no desire, no passion, no lust, no life itself. Who is right or wrong? I was married for 6.5 years, could not have children, because asexual man does not do miracles, considering that my marriage is a good one, until he drop words, so... I guess we done for the future with sex part because it is not so important. I felt as my life was broken to a pieces, my future shut down and my free will to make any choise with my life just disappeared. When I confronted him, he changed his stories several times, in each and other blaming me repeatedly for everything I did or I didn't including yelling part. And now I have no idea how to act, what to do, what to expect. He is willing to work on our relation but no sex involved either, and I don't know if relationship (not friendship) can exist without sex.??? I came from having a good marriage (thinking that I have a good one) to have nothing at all (not even ashes left) in 5 minutes. It is hard, painful, strange for me. By the way his last fiscal showed absolutely normal sex hormone level, just in the middle of range, so there are no physiological or biochemical abnormalities found. May be we don't know so much about men and about menopause (we in our early forties) maybe some of them are like that.? Good beer and some food is all they desire? I have no answers, but for now I still have hope of re negotiate his view ? His genes? No scientific studies involved, no where to go, sadness and disappointment around.

I'm with you all! I was brought up very strictly Irish Catholic and had only been with my husband who was the only guy that didn't pressure me for sex after a couple of weeks. This should have been a big warning sign to me but I took it that he was being respectful. We have now been together 24 years, 20 yrs of marrriage, 4 yrs dating, and after the first year we only had sex 6 times...........2 or three times a year from then on. I left a couple of times only to return because of fear and him pulling out all the stops again to get me back using guilt etc....... Finally gave in and went back and had an OK couple of years with a bit more intimacy but not great. Stupidly I decided that since I married him this was it and since it was a better period I decided I wasn't getting any younger , I'd made my bed so had to accept it so to speak and this was the time to have kids. Fell pregnant at the first attempt....which he was eager to perform for the first time ever and once pregnant he never touched me again as he felt his job was done used hurting the baby as the excuse. After the baby was born it was 6mths before we made love again only because I was so horny after coming off breast feeding and desperate for attention that I pounced his bones and gave him no choice. I fell pregnant that time with my second child and basically since he's been born 9 yrs ago I have had sex once a year because I give up and attack him!!!! My husband only cares for the kids, we don't go out and his idea of taking me out once a year on my birthday is to go play soccer and go out in my cleats and shirt for dinner at 10.30pm!!! I am not exactly an ugly woman.............I get hit on all the time and I am told I am incredibly funny and light up a room when in it..................not to brag but I am a people person and was the girl everyone wanted to date at college but couldn't because I was so choosy..........he is crushing me and draining me dry. I am getting out. I have moved out of the bedroom into my ba<x>sement and am getting a divorce! This is not a normal way to live and life is way too short. Wake up to it and stop living in fear.........it will kill you and it's a very slow death.......believe me I know it's difficult but you will know when you have reached the end.....for me the end is now.........even when I accused him of this he didn't bl<x>ink or have a passionate moment....they know what they are and they hide behind it to save face afraid of what others might think...........well..............I'm not willing to live emotionless any more and when everyone around you tells you that what you are experiencing is not normal then it's time to wake up and do something! Live life, it's to beautiful to waste and I have wasted enough! Hope this helps someone out there:)

thank you

I'm with you all! I was brought up very strictly Irish Catholic and had only been with my husband who was the only guy that didn't pressure me for sex after a couple of weeks. This should have been a big warning sign to me but I took it that he was being respectful. We have now been together 24 years, 20 yrs of marrriage, 4 yrs dating, and after the first year we only had sex 6 times...........2 or three times a year from then on. I left a couple of times only to return because of fear and him pulling out all the stops again to get me back using guilt etc....... Finally gave in and went back and had an OK couple of years with a bit more intimacy but not great. Stupidly I decided that since I married him this was it and since it was a better period I decided I wasn't getting any younger , I'd made my bed so had to accept it so to speak and this was the time to have kids. Fell pregnant at the first attempt....which he was eager to perform for the first time ever and once pregnant he never touched me again as he felt his job was done used hurting the baby as the excuse. After the baby was born it was 6mths before we made love again only because I was so horny after coming off breast feeding and desperate for attention that I pounced his bones and gave him no choice. I fell pregnant that time with my second child and basically since he's been born 9 yrs ago I have had sex once a year because I give up and attack him!!!! My husband only cares for the kids, we don't go out and his idea of taking me out once a year on my birthday is to go play soccer and go out in my cleats and shirt for dinner at 10.30pm!!! I am not exactly an ugly woman.............I get hit on all the time and I am told I am incredibly funny and light up a room when in it..................not to brag but I am a people person and was the girl everyone wanted to date at college but couldn't because I was so choosy..........he is crushing me and draining me dry. I am getting out. I have moved out of the bedroom into my ba<x>sement and am getting a divorce! This is not a normal way to live and life is way too short. Wake up to it and stop living in fear.........it will kill you and it's a very slow death.......believe me I know it's difficult but you will know when you have reached the end.....for me the end is now.........even when I accused him of this he didn't bl<x>ink or have a passionate moment....they know what they are and they hide behind it to save face afraid of what others might think...........well..............I'm not willing to live emotionless any more and when everyone around you tells you that what you are experiencing is not normal then it's time to wake up and do something! Live life, it's to beautiful to waste and I have wasted enough! Hope this helps someone out there:)

I'm in an asexual relationship. We're both in our 40s and have only been together a couple of years. It was hot and heavy in the beginning and then just went from everything to nothing. I'm tired of it, so I now have a friend with benefits. Ashley Madison is a great outlet for people who are sexually frustrated like us. My bf says that we just don't have any sexual chemistry. Um....we did, so that can't be it. Our sex life isn't just boring; it sucks. Even the quality sucks when we do have it, which is once every 2 weeks. I get no kissing, no oral, and I have to initiate. I feel like an unpaid prostitute. If I didn't have my friend with benefits, I think I would die. I don't know how you went 20 years without. I started cheating after 1-1/2 years of my relationship, and I don't feel guilty about it at all, because I've addressed it with him until I'm about to burst, and he just doesn't care. I know he suspects something, but if he went down on me (haven't had that in about 6 months) much more often, then he wouldn't be so paranoid...and I wouldn't be cheating on him. He brought it upon himself by being lazy, stubborn and spiteful. I'm getting to where I can't stand for him to touch me now where as I used to cry because he didn't. I used to get sad, but then I got mad and am looking out for myself for a change and taking care of me since he won't. I've taken my happiness into my own hands and am actually feeling pretty empowered by it where as I used to feel crippled at the hands of his neglect of me. I see our relationship slowly peetering out, and that's fine with me. I've closed myself off emotionally and become like him: Emotionally unavailable, at least towards him. I actually feel empowered when I push him away from snuggling with me. Why should he get what he wants when I haven't for so long? I'm tired of giving and giving and getting nothing back and being nice and sweet and selfless. I'm going to start being just like him. He's probably cheating on me, too, anyway, because I don't think he would neglect himself.

Hiya you - I have got no idea how myself and my husband got to this point - I guess by him just rejecting me for many years and me constantly having to try and work out what is wrong, was I fat, ugly etc. etc.<br />
My husband doesn't know that I'm having an affair, so there is no arrangement. Maybe he does know - I don't know, maybe he thinks I must be considering he and I haven't been intimate, held hands, kissed etc.etc. in what must be about 11 years now.....,..

My husband doesn't know nor does he care if I go out.... I don't rub it in his face whatsoever..... I'm happy and no I don't feel guilty as if hubby was to find out or say anything... then I could certainly justify why I am doing what I am........ How did you and your husband get to this point? What was said? How does it work? One day we were joking about me having an affair and he said that he would not blame me if I was.....but, he has to know where I am all the time? Please elaborate on your arrangement for me. Thank you

I too am married to an asexual man, we have been together for about 19 years.. and haven't been intimate at all now since I became pregnant with my youngest son who is nearly 11..... and that along with my daughter who is 13 was me kinda persuading him to have sex with me.. using a meal and a bottle of wine to try and get him in the mood.... Fortunately I fell pregnant very quickly. When I think back to it, I just assumed he found me unattractive having had his 3 kids... so went into my own world I guess and remained miserable for a few years.... As I said earlier, both my youngest kids were planned by me... as we wouldn't have had any more kids otherwise as he didn't want sex.... but at the time I thought it was normal to lure ones husband into bed using good food and some alcohol..... He says he loves me, but on the many times Ive tried to bring the subject up, he kinda just says he loves me... and that he doesn't know why he doesn't want the intimacy and sex with me, his wife.... I'm afraid that all this has taken it's toll on me, and i no longer love him the way I used to...... It's a long story, but I ended up joining an online website and met a lovely man 3 years ago, and we had an 18 month affair.... We are still friends and text each other daily.... However 6 months ago I met another man after a year of emailing each other, and have totally hit if off together - he is in an unhappy marriage with a daughter. It's not just about the sex either, we share things together, we do things together, and have very similar interests........ I absolutely love being desired, being loved, wanted, and the intimacy, holding hands, hugging etc. etc. is just amazing.... My husband doesn't know nor does he care if I go out.... I don't rub it in his face whatsoever..... I'm happy and no I don't feel guilty as if hubby was to find out or say anything... then I could certainly justify why I am doing what I am........

Please help? I wish I knew what to tell you. I came to this forum to find support and answers and so far haven't gotten any direction. My marriage has been lonely all along and my husband would be stunned to find that out because, like yours, he's comfortable. I am glad to understand his asexuality though, but it makes me want to leave.

I have been married for 21 and together for 23. We have 2 grown kids, and I am were you are. No sex for 8 years. Please anything will help. I don't want to stay in a sexless marriage but, he is comfortable? Please help.....