My Husband Is Asexual. Now What?I've been married 7.5 years to a great guy. We have a 4-year-old daughter, two dogs, and a nice suburban life. Our relationship seemed pretty normal, but as I've gotten older, my sex drive has ramped up, and it was becoming apparent to me that our sex frequency wasn't what I'd like it to be. For our whole marriage, we would go months between encounters. Lately it's been longer, and he would only get interested when I got drunk and initiated things.
Six months ago, we had a huge fight during which he thought I was breaking things off when all I was really asking for was more intimacy. I told him I wanted that boyfriend feeling back between us. I wanted to stop living like roommates or siblings. There was no "us" anymore. We went into counseling, and the therapist gave us ideas about how to be more emotionally intimate, but not physically intimate. He was more aware of spending time with me, being 'there' when he was home, etc. After 5 or so sessions, we quit going because things had pretty much gone back to parallel play.
This weekend I joked with him after watching Sister Wives that what our relationship needed was another husband. That would take the pressure or expectation off of him to be physical with me, but we could continue this great relationship we have otherwise. On the following day during a road trip (where most of our 'big' discussions seem to happen), he said that in his 20's a friend was talking to him and said, "You don't chase women, but you're not gay either. Maybe you're just asexual." We both just kind of laughed thinking it was a funny idea. I told him that I couldn't continue living with him like this, so we had to 'do something.'
The only other time I'd heard the word 'asexual' was in science class. When I typed it into Wiki yesterday, I thought I'd get an article about amoebas. I was SHOCKED by what I read and relieved that it wasn't me and that there was nothing 'wrong' with him. I don't know why I had never heard of this condition before. I showed it to him last night, and he said it described him exactly. The thing is, I'm not asexual. I have a very health sex drive, and now what do I do?
We've decided to let all this absorb for awhile. He's having a rough time at work, so I didn't want to put this on the front burner. I've gone this long, I can wait a few more months. I don't want to divorce him, and I know it's not something you can 'fix.' But I'm not okay living with forced celibacy for the rest of my life. I'm 35, that's way too young to give up sex! The idea of him having sex with me just to make me happy makes me sick. But can I really shift my paradigm enough to go out and find a lover?
I found AVEN and have been reading there, and I know whatever we come up with is going to be personal to us. I just wish there were more stories for a fr
We are parallel platonic partners. We're excellent friends, great parents, and good providers. But we're not lovers, and I don't want to be 65 and look back on a life without physical intimacy like some kind of stand-by-your-man martyr.
PghHilary 31-35, F 2 Responses 0 Feb 23, 2012