Have Been An Asexual Husband To A Caring Wife For Far, Far Too Long

I imposed my asexuality on my fine and caring wife for far too long, as our careers and lives took us together over three continents. Unsurprisingly, I have hurt her very much and cannot continue to hurt her a moment longer. She is the love of my life and I do desire her but understand how hard it is for her to trust me at all. I have turned to this site to understand how a man with limited but not nonexistent sexual confidence and desire who has imposed asexuality on a vulnerable wife can take responsibility, undo the harm he has caused and if still possible build a real marriage, based on the truth. In addition to reading relevant postings, I would be so grateful for experiences and advice from partners or couples in which the asexual party has taken full responsibility and worked to earn trust that he does not even deserve.
Sixdollargum Sixdollargum
46-50, M
2 Responses May 6, 2012

I am in the same situation...but in a male/male relationship (yes we have the same struggles). He is the most amazing man ever in so many ways, all these years he has been nothing but exceptional. However throughout the years I have noticed that he would be fine just waking up in the morning and carry on with the day (getting up and make breakfast for me then something else) but there was “something” missing in those mornings.
Actually in the start of our relationship there was a huge red flag, he said his previous partner of 3 years was asexual (was he saying that just to see how I would respond?). 6 years later (now) I have given up of begging, the frustration made me become snappy and felt that I could start paying it back by taking away what he wanted must of our relationship, a touch body. I am no longer cuddling, I am no longer spooning in bed, I am no longer showing affection or even respect.
Its so sad because deep inside me all I wanted would be to do this and more, but I do it in the hopes that he will change and start loving me in a sexual way.
As a solution to my deprivation I decided to take some time out, just a month for myself, I told him I would be looking for what I have missed on for all these years, he reluctantly agreed. So I did and I am having the best month of my life, I have never gone so thirsty to the pot as I did. Is this a solution? I am not sure, Since our perfect relationship was anyhow coming to a closure so thought I might try to be in an open relationship where everything remains the same, but I am free to have sex with other horny men when I feel like. Again, is this the solution? I am not sure, however I feel that I am no longer that snappy person towards him and resentments are cooling down, I am ready to go back to all the cuddling he wants but when I need to go on my knees it will not be with him just because he wont make the effort.

I feel exactly as you do and can relate too closely to what you say. My wife found your post and showed me. My wife feels so alone and I'm so mad at myself for causing these problems despite all the opportunities she has given me to quit my lies and caring only for myself. I do love her and want her, but that isn't always conveyed to her in the ways I think it is. My problems now are huge. I've been given more chances than I deserve to right things and can't seem to keep things moving in a positive direction. It's nice to relate to someone and hopefully both come out where we save our relationships. Currently I'm going to go to counseling and I'm going to attend a 12 step SA program. I'm going to take a lie detector test so my wife feels more like she can trust me. I've read books and will consult them. "Intimacy & Desire" and "The Sex-Starved Wife." When she tells me how she feels I'm not going to make her feel it's all in her head. I won't deny what she already knows and feels. I'm going to keep a notebook and calendar so I can physically see how much things are going on with us. I will no longer allow days to turn into months.

Thank you so much for replying. I’m so sorry that you are going though this also. I’ve done nothing but lie and hurt my wife. I opened up finally and told her everything, which did take me days while continually lying and saying there was nothing else to tell her. I was scared, but finally saw that it’s not about me and if I want to save my marriage, I need to put her way above my needs and sorrows. I am going to SA meetings (1st one tonight) and have a meeting with a relationship coach and a dr’s appt Friday. I will gladly help your husband with whatever resources I have or can find for him to use, but he’s got to do it. My wife had me read “The sex-starved wife” and I found a resource in that called divorcebusting.com – that is where I signed up for a relationship coach. The counselor I would go see is out of town for a few weeks and I simply cannot sit around and wait. My wife means everything to me, and I hurt her so easily. I finally acknowledged that I do have a problem and I want to fix it. I’d like to share some things with you that is helping me stay focused and helping my wife. She shared this with me and I am very grateful for all that she does.
Cherokee Legend
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
The Strangest Secret – Earl Nightingale (long but very very informative!)

Please don’t hesitate to write if you need anything. I will let my wife know that you wrote.