It's Hard

I've been with my partner for six years now. When we first met I had no idea that he was asexual, or that people identified as being asexual. There were signs looking back. He never initiated sex, he didn't like public displays of affection, and though he was with his last partner for a year and a half, they never had sex. None of these things threw up any red flags. I didn't mind initiating. Lots of people feel awkward about being affectionate in public. And when I asked about his last relationship, he said that person just wasn't the right one for him.

The strange thing is, we had sex at first. We were having sex 3-5 times a week for nearly a year.

But everything changed, literally, the night we got our domestic partnership and moved in together. Our sex life became non-existent. At first he gave typical excuses (headache, tired, etc,) but when we finally sat down and talked about it, he said he never felt sexual attraction or the need to have sex with anyone.

It took me a very long time to wrap my head around that. I still don't completely understand. He tells me that he thinks I'm attractive, he loves my body, yet he doesn't want to have sex. He'd rather take care of that himself, privately. I found and that helped a great deal.

The thing is, he's such a great guy and aside from the lack of sex, we have a great relationship. I'm struggling to not take his lack of sexual interest personally. I'm trying to find ways that we can both have our needs met without one of us being uncomfortable and resenting the other. But how do you do that?

Yuru Yuru
26-30, M
6 Responses Sep 3, 2009

Hi there,<br />
I was with my ex for three years and lived with him since day one. He is an amazing guy, really amazing. But he's asexual - I think - he's not admitted it. We were having sex to start with but not often. That soon disappeared. He is very lovely and caring but not very affectionate, he rarely told me I looked good or said nice things to me. I started to put on weight and without even realising it began to despise myself. The rest of our relationship was great, we were/are the best of friends. I had brought up the fact that our sex life was nonexistent and we would agree to try and do something about it but nothing ever happened. Sometimes we argued about it too. I just felt so ugly and so unwanted - I had no idea about asexuality then. I went away for the summer and when I was there people would say stuff about how I was beautiful etc and why was I so down on myself. I hadn't even realised I was. I had conversations with friends about how our lack of sex wasn't a problem and I would swear that it was fine. But then I realised it wasn't. I was destroyed, inside and out. I realised I was petrified of having sex now because I was too hideous to be seen, I always cover up my body and wear baggy clothes. I never used to, I'd wear bright beautiful clothes and be confident and happy. I researched it a bit and found out about asexuality and I'm sure that he is, he says he's been like this always. Sometimes I don't believe him because I still believe its my fault. I split up with him when I came back, this was 8 months ago. We still live together because we still love each other but I know he needs to leave so I can move on and get some confidence back. What I'm struggling with is if he loved me and he knew it wasn't my fault we weren't having sex then why didn't he tell me or get help or something so I could stop blaming myself? I recently found out he has been sending dirty text messages to another girl. He said he needed to feel like a man because he felt emasculated. I do understand that but it has ripped me to shreds. Knowing he could talk like that to another girl and not to me?! I've spent three years compromising for him and he let me and now he can just talk to someone else like that and arrange to meet up with them... I just don't get it. There have been a couple of opportunities for me to have sex with other men but I have ran a mile because I'm petrified. We had a big talk about it - again - the other day and he said he'd "fix it" but the damage is done. I want him to be happy because I love him but we could never get back together. Are you born asexual can your parents and upbringing make you asexual? I want to understand. I want to stop feeling anger and hurt towards him and myself. I do not know what to do...

Hi, I'm reading these stories to try and support a gf who is in the exact same situation. He adopted her daughter and he's an amazing dad. But they live as brother and sister. He is not gay. She has begged for sex, and humiliated herself many times. It is awful. Thank you for sharing.

JaniemUiS; it is so sad to hear that. But you must know that is not your fault, you can find people to support you in the "I Live in a Sexless Marriage" group. <br />
Many of them have gone through that and now how it feels,<br />
hugs and stay strong! =)

I have been married to the most wonderful loving man in the whole world for 6 years. I left him 6 months ago, but we have remained close friends. We have continued to be best friends, but I kept my head buried in the sand for so long about what was wrong with our marriage. It was like the white elephant in the room. Our sex life was pretty much non-existent. He even described it as mediocre. I said he couldn't understand why I considered sex to be an important part of marriage. I knew he was not a sexual person going into our marriage, but his other traits were so wonderful I didn't think it would matter, but now I realize that my emotional needs were never met and have never been met - that special bond that comes from a husband an wife share true intimacy. I would caution anyone going into a relationship not to blow off the importance of sexual intimacy between partners. My husband and I are best friends. Everyone is always telling me how lucky I am because he treats me like a princess, but no one has ever known what was going on. I finally found the website about asexuality and he said it made sense to him. Now he is backing off of it and says he thinks he can "fix" himself. He admits he has been like this his entire life and I cannot believe that he can change who he is. All I know is that my need for emotional intimacy that can only come through a sexual bond that has never been met. When I married him, he was so different from every other man I had ever been with, and those relationships had been so stormy, I thought that I was going the better route. I realize now I cheated myself. Now I am grieving losing my best friend. He has yet to realize the enormity of this situation, and when he does I worry about how he will take it. I think I worry too much about him and that is one reason I have done such a poor job taking care of myself. All I know is my self esteem has been in the toilet. I have done everything i could think of to entice him. I have lost weight. I have offered him anything he wanted. I have reduced myself to begging him, but have been rejected. It has hurt more than i can ever say.

Life is way to short to not give and receive pleasure!

I have the same problem, and I have been married for only one year... it is so sad. I did not know it before I got married, now I think is so late, and I can not find the solution for this.<br />
He is the greatest man I have ever met, but he is asexual and makes me feel very unhappy.

literally have the exact same problem! been married a bit over a year, and before we got married, we did everything at least 4 times a week! then we got married, and he just stopped. he used to act like he loved my body, and kissing me, now he absolutly hates it! i have to beg for anything other than a smooch on the cheek. its just so....horrible!

I am in a very similar situation with my boyfriend. It frustrates me to tears sometimes, because he is exactly what I want, except for the sex. When we do have it, it's great, but I feel like after 4 days without we have to have a fight and the only way the fighting ends is if I get my way. <br />
<br />
We don't live together, we're in college. We've been together 3.5 years. We've always talked about being married and our lives together. But I'm worried that getting sex 1-2 times a week will diminish over time, as in your case. There's a special connection from uniting as sexual partners. I'm afraid to leave, he's my best friend in a way no one else could ever be. <br />
<br />
Have you considered leaving? The thought makes me cry because I'm confused.