Have Been An Asexual Husband To A Caring Wife For Far, Far Too Long

I imposed my asexuality on my fine and caring wife for far too long, as our careers and lives took us together over three continents. Unsurprisingly, I have hurt her very much and cannot continue to hurt her a moment longer. She is the love of my life and I do desire her but understand how hard it is for her to trust me at all. I have turned to this site to understand how a man with limited but not nonexistent sexual confidence and desire who has imposed asexuality on a vulnerable wife can take responsibility, undo the harm he has caused and if still possible build a real marriage, based on the truth. In addition to reading relevant postings, I would be so grateful for experiences and advice from partners or couples in which the asexual party has taken full responsibility and worked to earn trust that he does not even deserve.
Sixdollargum Sixdollargum
46-50, M
1 Response May 6, 2012

I am 36 years old woman and have been married to my husband for 10 years. We have a sex-less marriage ( have sex a few times a year) and this is very difficult for me to accept most times.

My husband tells me he loves me but he has no interest in sex. He asked me why is sex so important to me. We argue a lot about sex. I often feel rejected, unwanted and unloved. My self esteem got pretty low because I attributed our sex problems to him not being attracted to me. I do get lot of attention from other men, especially when i dress sexy. But although I enjoy the attention, to feel better about myself, I crave my husband's attention. I often feel like he does not notice me or else he would want sex.

My husband and I argue a lot about sex. He cannot explain why he has no interest in sex with me. He gets defensive when I try to find out the reason for our sexless marriage. I want to discuss the possibility that he might be asexual but he does not even want to talk about it now. In his past relationships, his ex girlfriends wanted to have sex and he did not want to. This is a pattern.

I think you should reassure your wife that she is attractive and you are attracted to her and love her. Let her know that you are asexual and explain it to her. You should also try to please her sexually. Maybe one day a week schedule time for intimacy (sex). Take her out for dinner (allow the night to be romantic) then make love to her that same night. I know you are not interested in sex but I am sure you are able to perform sexually if you set your mind to it. Understand that you are doing this to strengthen your marital union and it will be pleasing to her. You two will draw closer together. Sex act is an emotional bonding process for a woman. It makes her feel loved and wanted.

Do not let her have to argue with you for sex. Stick to a schedule (once a week or once ever two weeks) for this intimate marital bond. You should initiate sex the days you will be intimate with her. Woman like the man initiatong sex at times. Make your initiating of sex erotic and not boring. Don't just say, "let's have sex" but make her feel wanted and sexy. You can do this by just simply touching her in sensual areas or even stand behind her and let her feel you (erection) from behind.

I know this may feel like a lot to do but sex does not last very long and your emotional bonding will be great. She will very happy with you.

I wish you well.