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Lonely With a Disabled Wife

I've been married for 15 years.  My wife has been disabled for nearly 10 years now.  She gets extremely fatigued and makes it so every weekend I have off, we are stuck at home.  No place to go, but can''t anyway even if we wanted.  No camping, out to dinner, etc.  It just gets miserable sometimes.  I still work, but my work only has a few people there and rarely much work to do.  I find it very cruel to just divorce her, but I am so bored and lonely most of the time.  I have done several home projects over the years and exercise.  I'm still going batty most of the time because of the loneliness.  I think I feel the need for other companionship and friendship with another woman.  Most people think that it would be wrong, but I just don't have the heart to divorce her when she is so disabled. 

authenticangel authenticangel 51-55 62 Responses Jun 7, 2009

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Hello Everyone I just wanted to chime in on this. I have been married to a wonderful woman with Hyper Mobile EDS. She is always in a lot of pain and is very limited on what she can do. She never has a good day just bad days and worse days. This condition causes elevated pain, heart issues, joint dislocations, depression, insomnia, and everything that comes with those things. Sex is not only painful, but things from her past make sex less desirable. I myself am pretty healthy and active, but I have changed the things that I do to spend time with her. She doesn't get to leave the house often so I make sure our friends come over to our house all the times she is able to hang out to play board games, watch movies, etc so she does not feel isolated. I work 2 jobs and take care of all the house stuff. i work from home so I can be there when she needs me. I am a very sexual person, she is not. It is not fair to expect someone that has no limitations to accept giving up things in their life that we all need. intimacy is one of those things. If sex was not important and people did not need it then rape wouldn't exist in prison; we need intimacy in our lives. So My wife and I have been coming to the conclusion that since we do not live a conventional life we should not be acting upon conventional beliefs. I wanted to start some sort of support group for the spouses of disabled loved ones that do not want to leave their spouses or fall for another person but do wish to enjoy sexual gratification with someone that understands their situation. A safe judge free environment where we can experience some intimacy with someone that needs it as much as we do. Sexual frustration is a very real thing and ignoring it causes contempt toward that love one. It is yes, a very strange thing to consider but both parties have to be happy for a relationship to work. if you cannot give someone something they need, they shouldn't go without just because you cant give it to them. its not fair just to say its because i am a man. To say sex is not important because one person in a relationship doesn't want to is not cool. I love my wife and I will love and be with her for as long as I can. we already love a strange lifestyle we figured why not just go with it and do what makes both of us happy. If someone stops trying then they have made the decision for you. you cant be miserable for your whole life just because you feel guilty about leaving them. guilt is not love. We are adults now not children with delicate emotions and morals. happy is happy. As long as you both talk openly about it and you can find a compromise anything is possible. Since my wife and I made this decision we have been so much happier. We were both raised in a religious family and it was hard to make this change but now that we have we wish we did this years ago. When what feels right isn't working for you You need to try some wrong Dog!

Amen .brother ..let us know where is that site ...(:

We have been only talking about it for a few months now. We haven't been with anyone yet but just knowing that the chance of sex happening is enough to make both our moods a lot better. I don't feel as suppressed and she doesn't feel as guilty. Plus the idea is kind of different and naughty, so it has sparked some of her own sexuality. This might even lead to her wanting to participate in some fashion. We have not talked about sex with this much excitement some we first started dating and it was nearly daily sex. So start to spread the word around and keep in touch. If enough people in our situation are open enough to explore this, we are going to create some sort of we page for this!

I agree ..It is very strange indeed that nothing is really done 2 help in that matter ...?

other then sex therapy talk w/sexologist dr who is not going 2 replace real thing
anyway.....

I knew a wonderful couple where when she got ill......he took care of her financially and in general all she needed to be comfortable and has been for her but he did move out from their house ..and lived separately ...took care of her till she died ........I dont think anybody should judge ...

U have only one life and u need to decide what is best for You as a couple ....
if U get deep depression and become miserable and suicidal
its not great for anyone either ......just saying......
and You are miles away from narcissism ...what a stupid comment ...narcissist would be gone long time ago !!!!!!!geez

Set up a date and fun 3 times and see that she takes her meds. If she refuse the dates comfort her and seek the big D.

I am disabled, a bilateral below the knee amputee since 2008. My husband wants a divorce. He lives under the same roof in a separate room (about a month now) but I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and majority of the shopping. He want to "get out" because he feels he cannot do anything without me. I'll tell you what, freaking say something to your wife. I would put money on it that she wants you be be happy. She KNOWS her limitations. She knows life isn't always fair and easy, look at where she is. Did she ask for her disability? What if this happened to you? Would she leave you? Marriage is a sacred bond. You both made promises to each other. I, myself value my bonds with all my heart and soul. It kills me that rather than communicate with each other and take the hard road together, it's easier to just leave. Why is divorce everyone's answer? What happened to Have and to hold from this day forward? For richer, for poorer, for better or for WORSE, In SICKNESS and in health, to LOVE and CHERISH, till death do us part? I believe in my vows! Communication is key!

You need to watch how much self pity you fill your tub with. Much more & you'll drown in your tub full of pity. Man up-and try a day living the way your wife must. Can't be much fun for her to be married to a narcissistic person such a you present yourself as.

I have been married for 35 years-and 13 years ago was injured landing me in a wheelchair-also unable to handle trips, camping or travel-except to the doctors who are quite a trip away-over 6 hours round trip. My husband is never happy and despite my best efforts to at least keep what was a strong friendship going, things are fading into such resentment and verbal abuse on his part, its no longer easy to hide from our grown kids. Its been at least 12 years since he's hugged or kissed me, other than a peck on the top of my head when he's heading out the door to work. I thank my husband for everything he does, but this year he didn't bother to get me a Christmas gift or even a card, although the rest of our family had gifts that almost seemed overdone, selected by my husband. I too have not been shopping or out to dinner in 12 years-and its not for my lack of wanting to go. I am desperate to get out of the house & get back to living life-as opposed to waiting until my husband comes home to call the shots-from what and when we eat to just about everything we do. I co-own our companies, yet he's cut me out of as much as he can. Although I am physically disabled I have continued working, although I never see a penny of what I make since my husband handles all our finances. So, the comment above sounds like my husband could have written it. All I have to say is this guy needs to get out of the bathtub he's filled with self pity and get on with his life. He seems to be able to resent his life, with his wife's disability as the reason he feels so miserable, but I wonder how miserable she must feel?? Sure, this is a tough situation, however seeking someone to take the place of your wife who is disabled to the point where you'd divorce her but don't have the heart to, as you put it, shows what a narcissistic disposition you have. She may be physically disabled but clearly your moral compass is beyond being disabled and no longer exists. Shame on you.

you think you feel the need... I am way past the thinking stage. I have read some of the replies to your post and the only thing I can say to everyone is don't judge until you have walked a mile in these shoes. Like you I just can not leave. To me that would be just horribly wrong. But I have decided to find a woman with the same or similar challenges that I have so we can at least have the intimacy and sexual contact.
Only problem is - how the bleep do you find your other half?

I am in similar circumstances. My husband of 27 years became so disabled (Louie Body) the State required him to have 24/7 care. The first 5 years were good. But for the next 20 he became increasingly difficult. He has been in Assisted Living for two years now. His behavior can be similar to a difficult 9 year old, with impulsive problems and no ability to understand consequence. I, like the original author found it cruel to divorce (for better or worse), but I have not felt an intimate hug in 15 years. I am lonely for the companionship of a partner. In caring for him I was not able to maintain even my female friends (they were freaked out/scared by his behavior and I could not leave the house). (Concurrently I was caring for his father, and both my parents... I did not have time to nurture my own friends. Right now, I just want to be held by someone who can receive my love and make me feel cared for.

I understand how you feel. I want to get out n do so much riding going places seeing diff things. The hub has severe arthritis n is hurting a lot of the time. I would love to hv more friends to do the things I want.
I try hard to be compassionate n understanding it is so tuff sometimes. I think he forgets how hard things can be on my behalf....best of luck yr not alone

WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO FIND THE THINGS SHE CAN STILL DO, OR LEARN WITH HER DISABILITIES AND NOT FOCUS ON WHAT SHE CAN'T DO? HELL, BET SHE WOULD NOT MIND IF YOU GOT SOMEONE TO HELP YOU AND TAKE HER ON A DATE, EVEN IF IT IS TAKE HOME FOOD AND A CANDLE LIT DINNER IN YOUR YARD.....GOOD LUCK...I KNOW...I HAVE BEEN THERE....STILL AM!!! IT IS HARD, BUT HARDER TO DO WHEN WE THINK 'CAN'T DO'!!!

I used the term Bat s##t crazy the other day.
I hear you.
Hubby disabled for 8 years and is only getting worse. We finally got a diagnosis 5 months ago, but they say there is no known treatment.
No clue if he will ever get well enough to resume a normal life to include work and play.

Fortunately, he does not mind if I gout with friends and he trusts me to remain loyal. Admittedly, it has been tempting to seek male company, but in reality, I just want to enjoy time with good people without the constant worry or need to honor his exhaustion.

It is not the best idea to have an affair. The guilt will do a lot of damage, in my opinion. But companionship is essential.

Best to you. I hope it all works out.

i used ot feel like you do, unitl i got internet and facebok, in facti think fb saved my sanity, now i have got back inotuch with loads of old friends, some in real life as well, i used ot think,it this it? go to work come home, watch telly, sleep go to work, drove me mad, i used ot wonder whyi was racing home after work, for what, my wife is bette rnow, and we do go out, andi go fishing, whichi reall ylike as i meet other anglers and have a chat, also some peace and quiet, lol,i also have taught myselg guitar from lessons on you tube, and ep can be fun, but reall yits just fantasy world.lol

i know exactly how you feel, it snot easy

Seriously!? Have you ever bothered to ask your wife if she is lonely and depressed? I am the disabled wife, and all my husband does is watch TV. He doesn't clean, doesn't do the yard work, doesn't do laundry until HE runs out of work shirts. Goes out with other people without even bothering to ask me if I want to join him. No mention of inviting your friends over to your place so your wife won't be so lonely. Nope, just "me, me me". Why does the companionship and friendship you seek have to be with a "woman"? Get over yourself. Try living with what your wife has to deal with. Try creating the company you seek for both you and her without having to leave the house. If you weren't so self-absorbed you might find your wife reaching out to you.

Wow- you are not making it easy, are you? Your husband didn't ask for this. Perhaps if you asked him for specifics, he would either help you or hire someone to help you. And maybe he needs to read up on things to do to care for a disabled spouse.
Most men have no idea what to do. Berating him is not going to get it done. Does he know you feel so upset? Maybe all he hears is anger, when what might help is expressing your fears.

Geez - yelling at a guy who might be doing vastly MORE than your guy is so far from helpful to him. Try honey instead of vinegar.

Ditto. My life is very much like yours.

My (or Our) story is long and complicated. My wife has RSD )Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy) diagnosed since 2005 with a spinal cord stimulator implanted in 2006. Now, the complicated part. We have been in the Swinging Lifestyle since we got together in 2001. Silence, all you self righteous folks, we are good people. Lately, my wife's disability has basically put a screeching halt to trips to such activities and she has recently became more and more distant and no sexual desire. While I do have ****, that does not replace a "sexually hungry" woman. I would never leave my wife and have permission to play alone, but my conscience is stopping me. Besides, try to convince another woman that your wife is ok with it, good luck with that one. I know all about the loneliness as we don't even sleep in the same room anymore. I would never leave her, but would love to meet someone to help release this tension. I wish you all the best, I would not wish this Hell on my worst enemy. And yes I mean the Hell for my wife also.

I am in the same situation, my husband was hurt on the job, that left him with his back broken in 4 places, it's been 11 years since his injury, and he is constant pain everyday, I feel hopeless because over the years I've learned there is nothing I can do to help him. I just turned 35 and feel I want to experience life, I am lonley and if I inniciate romantic ideas he gets mad, because he can't! Then I feel guilty for wanting to, and making him upset! I want to live, but feel I am living the life of. 90 year old couple !

I am disabled. I have been married to my husband for almost12 years now. I have been disabled since the birth of our daughter 11 years ago. I didnt get really bad until 2009 when i had to have another operation on my bowels. None of this disabiliyt is my fault. I am unable to work (though i would like to work from home). I have asked for a divorce so many times over the years. Last year I had a lawyer (he sucked) . I had a BC scare and my husband sd he didnt want me to leave. I dont want to be a burden to him. I have to be here for our 11 year old daughter. My marriage sucks and i want out but my SSDI check is only 735.00 per month. I dont want to live off the system. I worked from 1980 till 2001 and then i could not work any more. Doctors sd NO MORE! I have tried to end my life one time. I dont know if i will try again ( now i know how to do it right.) I would hate to do that to my daughter. My husband makes me so depressed i am starting to hate him. He is gone on the road part time and works long hours. He is at the lake every weekend (in the summer) with our daughter. Have you asked your wife if she wants to be married to you? I would love to be on my own and out of this bad marriage but i am stuck. Have you ever thought that your wife may feel stuck also. TTFN, Chris

many disabled ppl live on 775 + 350 usd food stamps a month ...
it is poverty but it is freedom also ...

I am 42. My wife has been disabled for 10 years. I love her but our marriage even before her illness was difficult. Prior to being diagnosed with brain cancer she cheated several times. We would be divorced if she had not gotten sick. I put that in the past and took care of her. She needs constant care and at times can be extremely difficult to care for. She is verbally very abusive. I have been faithful but recently I feel like I need and deserve sexual intimacy from another female. I miss it. I am lonely. I am very unhappy. My life is about self sacrifice and has been for a long time. I have tried psychotherapy, anti depressants, and exercise. None of it works for me at this point. I am so lonely.

I feel for for you. It can be very hard being a caretaker at times especially if it is your spouse that you are caring for. I was in a similar situation back in the 1990s. My first wife had muscular distrophy. She had it since being a young child. At the time of our marriage she could get around fairly well and was able to walk unassisted but that all changed fairly soon. Before our first anniversary she fell and broke her knee and soon therafter became totally dependent on a wheelchair and gained nearly 70 pounds in 3 years and became dependent on me for nearly everything. Even though I did everything I knew to do to help her and support her, I was all of a sudden not good enough for her. I couldn't do anything right, she was constantly putting me down and being verbally abusive. I still loved her and remained faithful, in the hope things would get better. Things only got worse though. By our third anniversary she was wanting a divorce and was talking with other guys. Our intimacy and her love for me basically ended when I became her full time caretaker. I was very lonely and unhappy for a long time but I wanted to live up to my marriage vows. Deep down I think she still loved me also but didn't want or know how to show it. She eventually also was very depressed and may of felt like a burden because she had lost so much independence so rapidly. Her muscular distrophy advanced very rapidly in the last 2 years of marriage. After 5 1/2 years of marriage we finally came to the realization that our relationship couldn't be saved. She wanted to be single again, I wanted a brighter future. I still loved her but finally decided we both deserved a life we wanted. I finally agreed to a divorce, we remained friends though until she passed away. While getting a divorce was difficult emotionally, it was the best decision that we could of made. We were both much happier afterward. My only regret was not agreeing to a divorce sooner. Two years later I met my soul mate, got married and started a family.
You are still young and deserve a better life. You might benefit from marriage counseling but both partners need to be committed to making it work. Given how she treats you she may want to be divorced, have you asked? I feel every married man (and woman) deserves sexual intimacy (that's one reason for getting married).
Morally, I don't think cheating is the answer because you would not only be cheating on your wife but also the other woman (as long as you reamain married to your wife. I think if your marriage can't be worked out and saved then divorce would be the best answer.
I

So sorry does she hv family you could turn her over to

what r U waiting 4 ?..till U ll be 96 yrs old ???
join the internet dating site like passions.com and stop worry about whole world .....
U can't fix it.....
good luck !!..(:

Prostitution has be around for thousands of years, so what are waiting for, just do not get in legal trouble.

and do you give this same advice to women whose husbands are disabled?

I am a female and my husband and I have been married 20 years and have 2 sons one is 20 and one is 7. My husband became disabled 16 years ago - everything fell apart between us. He became very depressed, stopped trying to live, just started existing. I have handled this well until this year- I became very successful providing us with everything we needed and we have lived comfortably. He can do things at home, but chooses not too. I communicate with him I really NEED this help. What I know has happened is this has dragged my health down and that really scares me. I have done without intimacy, a partner, help for so long and now that I have chosen to leave my great job that was taking a toll on me for the long hours I am wondering how I can just "EXIST" with him. I am very spiritual but know we are no more than roommates. I cry alot- pray alot and wonder what I need to do and where do I go from here if it weren't for my 7 year old I would have left long ago.

maybe it is time to consider separation ......):

youre a terrible husband. you deserve to be disabled, not your wife. plus you dont deserve her. youre a siiiiiiiiiiick swine.

I'm sure youre all teh same sicko weird men that troll craigslist looking for something "discrete".

get over yourself. no one loves you. no one wants you.

You never know what your saying unless your walking in that person's shoes.

You need to walk in an English teacher's shoes.

Looks like it's mostly husbands just looking for a LAY. men, youre sick. get over yourself.....

Who knows the real story- stop judging people we aren't in a perfect world.

Aren't you judging that they're judging? Makes sense ....

exactly ......!!!!
if he commits suicide because of depression it is not a gr8 solution for anyone either ......

I feel you.My wife just wants to watch tv.Does not go out .her idea of romance is candel light in the bed room.She wont go to counseling,and I feel like sex is a chore for her.I've tried everything massages talking foreplay ect.I get distractions from her (like cat wants out ect.)When sex is successful there is no doubt if she got her cookie.I just dont know what to do

You are probably right- sex probably is a chore and something she would like to get over and done with as fast as possible because it is unpleasant. Why might that be- you need to ask yourself...

Time to stop having sex if it's such a chore. Give your poor wife a break, you pig.

My wife suffers from Huntingtons and I will start by saying I love her very much. I work shiftwork but care for her during the day feeding, toileting, dressing etc. We still go out together to friends, family and outings. We have been married for 30 years and there is absolutely no intimacy. She does not like to be touched and never has had a sexual libido of any description since our early years.
For many years I have been missing this huge neccesity, and let's accept it is a basic human necessity to be intimate with someone. I have been extremely lonely and I can fully understand the resentment shown to one's partner. I have to admit it was ripping me apart as well.
Recently I met someone who I have become very close to. She fully understands my situation and knows that I still love my wife and would never leave her or let her down. It is actually working really well. We spend time together when I have a day off and it gives me intimacy and social integration that I have not experienced for many years.
Marriage is not all black and white sometimes situations create a huge grey. I wish things were different and we could have a marriage that was complete but unfortunately that is impossible. I accept it is not my wife's fault. She is a beautiful woman and she will always be my main concern. I also will never discuss this with her and keep it discreet as it would break her heart.

You think????????
you do not deserve her.

It is not fair to judge until you walk in another's shoes. Shame on you.

No, shame on you for questioning the sanctity of Marriage and Jesus Christ.

You are a very kind and smart man .....

1 More Response

Wow this is how I feel, but with a twist I am the disabled one, I met a amazing man afew years ago and he wants to marry me,, I do love him but I cannot see sentencing him to my wheel chair bound life, I cannot walk but I do alot of things,but I worry about how he will feel weeks, months, years down the road I cant go up stairs, walk on the beach or dance and well am I being unfair, he tells me all the time age, status , and the wheelchair does not bother him . To the author I do know how you feel and I dont want to be a regret.

Not at all...it's all about us us us ! My husband has been fantastic and we BOTH enjoy a loving happy relationship and marriage, as we both remembered what we signed up for. We're it him with the illness I would be there in a heartbeat as I love him....and he has done the same for me. Sexual frustration passes, genuine love and friendship is rare

Well boo hoo ! Whatever happened to "in sickness and in health?" I'm the disabled partner, in a wheelchair, and a sexless marriage. I'm appalled at how many of these messages have the subtext that since their disability the partner has simply become too much like hard work. We would all like a nice simple happy pain free and fulfilled life, but in some cases you make the best of what you have. Get over it !

it's all about you you you

Most spouses who had a good relationship before their spouses became disabled don't start off with a negative but develop one when the disabled spouse let's their disability consume their life. Life is harder when you have a disability but it's also hard on the one's that love them sometimes you just want them to be there for you. They expect you to make sacrifices to be there for them and if you complain they make you feel guilty for being healthy that's a negative attitude most spousal caretakers deal with regularly. It's not only the spousal caretaker that needs to be happy in all circumstances but the disabled spouse also. Most spousal caretakers want intimacy and companionship from their disabled spouses not just sex but after years of stress and loneliness your disires tend to become more primal and simple because your craving attention so much. No, it isn't the answer to the problem but it's how you feel in the many helpless moments. It's complicated loving someone and losing that person you married while their physically still there but emotionally gone.

This "emotionally gone" happens all the time including with whole people.:(

Wow so well put..I can relate to a lot of this

Your negative attitude makes her more disabled than you think she is. The question is - Do you love her still? Does she love you still? Do both of you love each other. True love is not plain sex or money or any comfort that life can offer. True love takes a sacrifice that will free yourself of the guilt you have been keeping. True love is being happy in all circomstances with your spouse.

I am the disabled spouse. Married for 28 years now. I was diagnosed with MS 2001 and although I had been "sick" alot of the first 13 years of marriage, I have been doing very well since diagnosis and preventative medication. I went into this marriage with a "death do us part" attitude, and took my vows seriously. My husband, although a good man has never been a good provider-always losing jobs,and never his fault of course. He even "worked" for a company for 1-1/2 years without pay, hoping to reap the benefits when the company grew, which it did not, all the while depending on me and my very well established and growing cleaning company to pay all the bills, mortgage etc...I stayed with him. Then I got deathly sick and was hospitalized for weeks. Upon release from the hospital it was another 10 months before I could even walk. Needless to say, all of the savings was gone for monthly expenses, food, clothing and children's needs. We lost the house. I lost my business. My husband still did not work. I had to go on disability. So, now the kids have grown and moved on, he is still here sucking everything from me, even my life...Now, I am the disabled one, providing for a good- albeit useless man who still does not work or just outright refuses to work to help make ends meet. He up and tells me last September the HE wants a divorce, that a divorce will make HIM happy! I told him he can have it as I am done carrying his sorry *** anyhow. He will not leave. I can not make him leave. I am miserable. I want him gone. He has had several affairs over the years, that I forgave him for. Now he has a long term GF. I told him to go move in with her. He still won't leave my home. I am so disgusted with my life, knowing that it is all my doing by not making him work and so forth in the early years. I just wanted so badly to believe and have faith in this man that I let him ruin me. I have a great apartment that I can afford by myself, not with him and his lack of monetary help. His own family-brothers and sister don't want him and won't take him in. He is nothing but a user and it took me 28 years to see the real "him" and the light. I will move on and have a great rest-of-my-life without him. I don't think I'll ever marry again. I do, however, want a relationship. A healthy one for my remaining years.

Go get a court order to get him out! You so have every right to divorce the parasite. Even by bible standards he committed adultery.......

why You will not move out ...?
being with a person like that is terrible for Ur health ...):
raw food diet helps with MS

You are perfectly normal to have these feelings. My late husband was disabled for a few years before passing away in 2009. I went five years without sex -- or any intimacy for that matter. I kept my vows lovingly and faithfully -- but it was so difficult. I know exactly how you feel, and my thoughts are with you. Hope things are better for you now.

I know the loneliness is hard, you probably should divorce her if you really aren't happy. There are attendant services to take care of her needs. Show yourself respect by realizing what you need, and treat her with the same HUMANE respect by being honest with her. You both deserve to be happy, and cheating is cheating no matter how you put it.

Me too. Married nearly 16 years, she's been disabled for 13. I've never been with anyone else, even before we were married. I haven't strayed but have to admit thinking of it more and more. I won't, because it's not who I am. But god, how I need to get laid. The stress of worrying every time she's in the hospital and working two jobs to try and stave off financial issues and trying to get the kid to take school seriously and no chance at "blowing off steam." I know I signed up for " in sickness and in health" but I'm gonna go batshit crazy one of these days.

I think anyone who is a caregiver can totally appreciate EVERY single thing you just said. I don't miss any one thing about my husband (TBI 2 years ago) but a 1000 little things, especially the companionship and partnership. And yes, the sex. There. I said it.

It might just be the same for your spouse in that maybe she would like to seek companionship elsewhere but does not know how to begin the conversation with you for fear you might be offended knowing of all the things you do for her. Anything is possible. It seems likely that she is aware of your unrest on some level. You can be sure that you will get older while you are waiting for something new to happen.

Misery loves Company.. My wife is disabled and had been in a wheelchair for 8 years, we have been married amlost 11 years. After being diabnosed with diabetes 4 years ago, I have taken up fitness. I am stronger and healthier than when I was 20. The increased sex drive makes me tense all of the time. I have not strayed. Someotimes I almost feel I need to for my own sanity. Anyone who does not deal with the same thing honestlt could never truly understand. There should be an online group somewhere for this specific thing. I can create one. If anyone thinks thats a good idea, let me know. Email me to scott at innogalactic dot com.

I like your idea except we all missing something a support group won't help, the feeling of being physically intimate with someone.

I can relate, and a support group of others feeling the same thing is why I came here, looking for understanding! But the feeling of loneliness or lack of intimacy will be hard to help in a support group.

I have the same problem. My wife is disabled with severe diabetes and is drugged up with 14 pills a day. She sleeps a lot and no longer has any interest in sex. When she was normal, she did not love sex very much. Me? I love sex. It's so lonely to watch her sleep alot. She cannot walk too well because her right leg lost all mobility. I used to cast alot on Justin TV until i got too drunk that got me banned from there. Now I enjoy my beer because it numbs my sexual frustration and loneliness. I look forward to getting drunk more than anything else in the world.

You all are ignorant, that's what you how. How pathetic. When you marry your wife, you made a commitment to be there with her through sickness and death. Do you need to re-watch the video of you getting married? Maybe that will give you something to do.

Dude, that is harsh. How can you possibly know what someone else is going through if you have never been there yourself? These people are simply sharing their honest feelings. They are between a rock and a hard place.

I am in the same boat buddy. Our marriage was already an unhappy one . A lot of it my fault . But I guarantee that I have paid for my mistakes. Sometimes her verbal abuse is so bad I lock my self in another room . And like you , have not felt the soft touch of a woman . Well I am really embarrassed to say . Yet I hang . I am hoping to meet someone like me . You love your wife a lot . I can tell and truly understand . I was going to leave last year . Had an apartment , ready to sign the lease . Then she had a bad episode ( MS ) . And I couldn't do it . Been married to this crazy person for 32 years . I don't know how much longer I can go on . I am not a man anymore . Just a numb empty shell .

I've been married 31 years and my husband has been disabled for 20 of those years. I feel the same way you do.

It is like you and I are living the same story except I haven't tried to move out, can't afford it.

I am 44 and i am the disabled spouse. My husband and i have been together for 20 plus years and we used to have so much fun but life happened and i got sick....real sick and he went from being my husband to my caregiver and he was wonderful. He did everything dor me because i was too ill to do so but now i have found out that he is having an affair and he leaves me for days at a time to be with her. I feel helpless because i still love him and his actions just shut off oneday but why now? How could you do that to your wife, especially while i am sick. I am much better now which i suppose is why he chose now to cheat on me. I wish he would just leave because the pain would be better. He seems like he is just happy 1 day and then out of left field he is gone! My children see this behavior and they know that everytime he leaves me for her i get so upset that it makes me sick. Thru groups like this and others maybe i can get some help for me and me only because clearly he seems to be fine. I feel a certain typa way about the way he blatantly disregards my feelings and disrespects me because when he was down and believe me you he has had his days and i was there for him but now this is my pay? I am just so lost, confused, hurt, angry, resentful, bitter and the list goe's on. But i know this is only a test and a trial and this too shall pass is my new mantra...i try to stay as upbeat as possible but it is getting real hard to control my emotions...anyway thanks for letting me vent

My wife of nearly 10 years has Multiple Sclerosis and is wheelchair bound now, we have very little intimacy in our relationship and argue alot mainly to do with my Frustration. We have 2 young children and are Christians, I get loads of support from my church family and from my wifes family who I get on with really well but I need company of another woman. I would love to meet someone I could go walking with, someone who also has kids would be fine but to just have the support of another woman would be amazing. I need a woman who can get involved in my life, someone who I can make feel special. I feel so jelious when I see couples walking along with their kids, enjoying them selves, both helping to control things and holding hands, things I have not done for quite a few years now. I dont feel bad either about my feelings, I feel I supported my wife for 10 years, given up a career to be a carer and lost everything along the way.

My husband is disabled and I went through this very thing. I still struggle with it every day. It's so hard. But I finally gave in and allowed myself to see someone. But it took it's toll on me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And of course, I loved him deeply- and I have children. The guilt was enormous. Worse yet, this person died suddenly and I was absolutely grief stricken. My family found out- I could barely function I was so overcome with grief. Thankfully, they have forgiven me. But I still struggle with the loneliness and the rejection I feel from my husband. I resent all that has happened, all I am "missing". But I try to keep a gratitude journal to remind me of my blessings and I cling to my faith in Christ. I dont have an answer for you- only compassion and the knowledge that you are not alone. I think MANY caregivers are faced with the same heartache and emotions.

im the disabled husband in this relationship - wheelchair bound fron sci - my wife wants nothing to do with me sexually yet is happy ( she says) to continue our marriage happily - just no intimacy. very fustrating for me, i wish she would have an affair just so i would know she still has needs. i have had a fling with a couple other women and the intimacy was very fulfilling. i just wish my wife was my lover to

I can totally simpathise I too am so lonely, frustrated and in need of a womans touch I have been caring so long that i now despise my wife for what i've been through. The resentment of not having the years together that we should have had as a couple, watching her give up and not take care of herself is heartbreaking. She doesn't even bother getting dressed anymore says she is too sore she says, high medication means she falls asleep mid conversation " when you can get one". I also have two teenage children one of which has aspergers syndrome I dont do the normal family things like go for a walk on the beach or take them for a day out I cant. Too sum up I feel that if I had some female company once or twice a week i could cope better.

And to "slimacres" on here, I hurt a lot most of the time because of my disability. My husband uses that as an excuse not to touch me. I often tell certain friends who I can talk to that "no touching is allowed". Actually, I'd love to be held, hugged, caressed, and more. The human touch IS very important. I think that's true for everyone (even pets). I've endured so many years of being ignored and treated in ill manner (sorry for the pun) that I don't want my husband touching me or kissing me ever again. He has hurt me so much emotionally and mentally over our entire marriage. The only time he wants to give me a kiss is on special occasions like his birthday (not mine) or at Christmastime. I now do not allow it. I probably sound like a kid saying this, but "He started it." Well, he did. He turned away from me even before I became disabled. I became cold-hearted and I now consider him an angry person. I rarely talk to him anymore because of it. No "normal" person can really know how difficult it is to live with a disability. Everything that I'm able to do takes about twice as long. So, something like taking a shower and getting dressed takes about twice as long as it used to before I became disabled. What I'm trying to say is that my life is very challenging. I don't wish to feel sorry for myself. I have been given this "cross to bear" and will do so with as positive an attitude as I can muster up. However, the guy I have to live with makes my life miserable. I often feel like I'm just waiting for the day when one of us leaves this earth, because either way, I'll be happy to leave him. ('K....enough ranting. Time for some sleep). Best to you all.

Since I am a disabled, married woman, I can tell you that I've read many stories of not only husbands leaving their disabled wives, but wives who have divorced their disabled husbands. To stay in a relationship, even though the person you have married has become disabled, is to keep your vow. Also, I would consider it an extremely cruel blow to someone. You might as well toss the person you married out onto the street, because many would have great (and I do stress "great") difficulty living without someone to help them. Unfortunately, I'm married to a "clod" who doesn't love me, but he didn't before I became disabled. What a damn shame. While I consider cheating on your spouse to not be the best thing to do, I have had a couple affairs, AND I'M THE DISABLED PERSON!!!!!!! The loneliness is often unbearable. The feelings of being unwanted and not desired haunt me sometimes. I have maintained my good looks and figure. I dress nice, wear makeup, and I think most days are "good hair days" for me. Life can seem cruel sometimes. We each are given what I like to call "challenges" or "opportunities to learn" all throughout our lives. How we choose to handle each "opportunity to learn" is for each individual to decide. Please don't ever leave a disabled spouse, but if you must, discretely see someone on the side. Even friendships (many women just want something more in line with a friendship without the add "fringe benefits" that men hunger for...sorry, but true...not in my case, though) can help raise your spiritis and feel a little love, feel wanted again, and feel important to someone. I wonder how many people could uplift a long relationship that has become dull and even worse (living with a disabled person who cannot do the things that normal people do) somehow. It takes time and effort and love in your heart. I wish the idiot I married would show a little affection, but he just tells me that "this is how I am and I'm not gonna change". I now consider myself to be the stupid one. I should've never married him in the first place. STUPID ME!

Wow. Some of these responses are...I'll just say "sad" (and be nice). I am a married woman who became disabled almost 8 years ago. While my disability now limits me as far as certain things I can do, I still have a life to live and try to maintain a very positive attitude about it, other people, and life in general. My husband wants absolutely NOTHING to do with me. Oh, but I should preface that by stating that he felt that way prior to my becoming disabled. I am extremely lonely at times. I cannot work. I really wish I could. I miss getting a pat on the back for a "job well-done" and having a good time with my colleagues and co-workers. I have friends, but they work or are very involved with their families (which is all good). I suppose most of my friends in the past were my co-workers. Well, I did see them every weekday. My point is, I suppose, that I have NOT let myself go. If someone saw me, they wouldn't know I had a disability. In fact, guys often hit on me in public. I have to tell them politely that I'm married. I look the way I do because I try to eat a healthy diet (which is difficult, because I have to try to make a meal for myself...my husband eats only junk food), I exercise a little (I cannot do strenuous exercise anymore, but mild exercise is really a must for me), and I'm not overweight. As far as disabilities go, the sad fact is that it could happen to anyone. My husband could've been the one to become disabled, but for whatever reason, I am given the "gift" of living as a disabled person. It has changed probably all aspects of my life. I'm now a calmer, kinder, more patient, and more compassionate person who has been forced to slow down. (I used to live in that rat race of a world.) As I write this, I'm not seeking sympathy from anyone. I doubt that most disabled people would want to be pitied. I want to be treated like a "normal" person (whatever that is:) I wish every day that I did not have to stay in my marriage. My disability prevents it. It makes me dependent on my husband. If I were as I was before, I'd leave because I would be able to take care of myself. Also, I'd rather live alone than live with someone who does not love me, ignores me, puts me down constantly, and worse. It is hard enough to live my life with my disability. I wish I had someone in my life who loved me or even a friend or two to spend time with just doing things that are fun. Just think to yourself sometimes....with all the disabilities that are out there, it could've happened to you. I wonder how YOU would react to it, live your life, what your viewpoint(s) would be, and so on. A little compassion, please. Thanks for reading this.

I can totally relate my wife is disabled she has huntingtons desease and she is not able to do anything I have to feed her dress her bathe her and she has angry issues which make it very hard to do theses things for her it is very hard to be itimate with her and all she wants to do is yell and scream and get physica<br />
lly violent and none of her family has anything to do with her she has nobody but me to care for her I am more of a caretaker than a husband I am unable to work because there is no one to care for her while I am gone so here I am caring for her 24/7 it would be nice to have a break and a chance for some normal life I have considered living her but feel that would be to cruel and have thought about cheating on her but not sure if I could just wish there was someone who would help out once in a while so I could have a chance to enjoy life

Dear all husbands here..<br /><br />
I'm also a disabled woman in my early 30s. I'm not completely disabled, still able to walk yet wheelchair bound.<br /><br />
I'm just wondering with all problems you have with your wife, have you ever cheated behind her back with other woman?<br /><br />
I'm really sorry asking you this since my husband has cheated on me couple times and before I make any decision, I wanna know if I'm the only one who's disabled and be cheated on ☹ <br /><br />
<br /><br />
Thank you...<br /><br />
Ps: if you dont mind please answer me via ni3rm4 at yahoo.com

Very much empathise with Authentic Angel having been the family carer for my stroke survivor wife for many years.

My wife has been disabled for now three years. We've taken care of a disabled son for nearly 20 years. We were looking to having early retirement and enjoy the blessings of having raised a family and taking trips together. Now that she is in constant pain and unable to go far from home, our outlook for enjoying trips is dim. We seem to go to restaurants and enjoy movies, but only can leave the house for a few hours at a time. I'm sorry what my son and wife are going through this, but I'm also feeling lonely and want to have a life that is typically exciting with camping, sports, and spontaneous trips. I stay at home to give support and care for the two of them. My wife is in so much pain that she hurts when I just touch her. I gently place a hand on her back or hold her hand gently. Frankly, I just want to be hugged just as she must feel the same way. Human touch is so important during these rough times. I'm aware that others are in the same situation, but it doesn't make me feel any better, just sad that others are in pain and loneliness too. My prayers go out to everyone on this site and hope that encouragement comes in a way that you realize that hope is alive.<br />
Later,

Hi,<br />
I'm new to this site and also new to leaving messages on forums, but felt compelled to write after reading these experiences especially authenticangel's. My husband is 54 (I'm a young 51) he has been ill with a severe lung disease for 6 years. He's on oxygen 24 hrs a day and takes massive amounts of medication that has caused other medical problems. He's been in hospital for the past 6 weeks very poorly. It is necessary for me to work full time for financial reasons and for my own sanity and I'm a workaholic rather being at work than at home to be honest. He has been a wonderful husband over the past 30 years and a great father to our 2 sons and I love and respect him for that .....but I resent him for taking my life away when I / we should be enjoying ourselves. We don't do anything together because he is housebound and cannot walk and wont go in a wheelchair, he hasn't worked for 6 years and only receives benefits, I work and do everything around the house on my days off and yes I agree I do remember my wedding vows for better for worse in sickness and in health and when I feel bitter (which I do often) I try to imagine if I was ill would he look after me like I look after him? I haven't been on holiday for 6 years, had a good night out, had a walk or been "intimate" for years. I'm a very caring and patient person but I do dream about a "happier" life without him. I know that I cannot walk away as I'd never be able to live with myself as he cannot live without me and I'd never be forgiven by my family and friends if I did. I feel lonely and sad about my situation but am trapped as there's nothing I can do about it. People should walk a mile in my / our shoes before making judgement, I know exactly how you feel, you're not alone.<br />
Cx

Reading all of the postings has certainly given me a lot of insight into disability issues. I am the disables one in our marriage, have tried to talk to my husband about his happiness/unhappiness. Does he want a divorce? I wouldn't hold it against him. He had no answers and didn't want to talk about it, He said he would never leave me and he was here to take care of me. He then stopped doing any chores he used to, taking out garbage and mowing the lawn, I used to do all else. Now he does nothing, will make himself something to eat, but not me, do his laundry, but not mine and has basically left all else up to me. We are not wealthy by any means, but I have had a yardworker and housekeeper in a couple of times. Other than that, I take more pain meds than prescribed and something that will give me some energy and even if I'm on crutches, I will rake leaves, sweep the driveway, vacuum the house (one time I had to tape my hand to the vacuum handle, it hurt so bad). He will say, just remind me what you want done' I'm tired of reminding. leaving notes. lists, etc. So I guess my point, if there is one, is, there are a plethora of stories out there, some similar, some not. but I sure am glad that we have this forum to vent, share and be moral support for each other. love to all.

Very touching post. Thanks for sharing, authentic angel. Good luck to you. <br />
<br />
EP is a good place to share experiences and make friends :)

Hi PONDB5591,<br />
I do feel really bad for you. I honestly do feel and understand the loneliness that you feel. You may not think so, but I really do. It seems that my situation is the opposite of yours. My wife has always had a bad temper, and, since having been diagnosed with a disability, the temper has gotten very much worse. I have heard of so many great human beings out there that may be disabled, but are very understanding and feel for their caregiving partner. It has also been many years since having intimacy with her. The scars are just too deep from all the anger and misplaced aggression. After a day of sarcasm in every uttered word from her mouth, I do find it very hard to humble myself to have intimacy with her. Some would say that it's because of the medications she's on, or her condition when, in fact, I'm told by those who knew her as a child, that she has always been this way, and it's only gotten worse. FUnny how people seem to hide the ugly side of their personalities for the 3-4 years before marriage, and then, the "not so good" side surfaces. When I speak to others who know someone with the same disease, they always tell me that the person they know is the sweetest person with the nicest personality. THerefore, I really feel it's just a part of her personality, and not a result of illness or medications. I have been married to her for just over 15 years now. I have NEVER belittled her in ANY way or spoken down to her. I am a very patient man (so I've been told). There is still many things that she can do but refuses to. Outsiders looking in have often told me to just walk away and find someone else. I know if I did, I would probably be much happier. I would also feel SO bad as I know she couldn't go to work every day, and there is no one in her family that would ever step forward and help her in any way. It's an awkward situation, and, at one time I was told it was the right thing to do - stick to being a good Christian and take care of her. Now, those same people are advising me otherwise. I'm still hanging tough and going to work, doing the shopping, and tending to her presc<x>riptions. Good luck to everyone who has commented on my thread. If you only knew how difficult it has really been for me. I wish I could explain it better. Thank you for caring.

I am a 56 year old disabled woman. I met my husband when I was 19 and we married at 21.<br />
I was physically active, emotionally and financially secure and had a fantastic career. Had I had a crystal ball, with even the slightest hint, I would be in the situation I am in now, I would have never believed it.<br />
<br />
I became ill after the birth of our first daughter. (We have another daughter and one son).<br />
I worked throughout our marriage up until '02. My husband i worked opposite schedules so that one parent could be home at all time with our children. It worked out well. We were happy.<br />
<br />
It took DECADES to diagnosis my condition(s), and the love of MY life grew to resent me with each and every passing day. "I wasn't ill ... just lazy"... The emotional,financial and psychological abuse is almost too much to deal with at times.<br />
The names I was called, the heart crushing looks of anger, hatred and disappointment he displayed are forever burned in my heart.<br />
<br />
He too is a workaholic. There are times he works 3 jobs a day. I knew when I was 24, if I wanted to remain with the man I LOVED, I would have to rebuild a life for myself and my children.<br />
I did just that.<br />
<br />
My children are all adults now and have life and homes of their own. Yes, I stayed with him because of them... I've never regretted that decision as he does love our children (yes, all 3 are his), and he provided for them.<br />
<br />
Mere words cannot express the loneliness I feel. Yes, I have many female and male friends, and I am involved in many outside activities, but I believe I am way too young to feel so unloved, unappreciated and unwanted.<br />
<br />
My husband did indeed have an affair with a friend/neighbor of ours. Whatever trust/love respect I had for him is gone. <br />
<br />
Our sex life was great! We never had any issues regarding sexual intimacy ~ he has not touched me in over 10 years and to be honest, I'm okay with that.<br />
<br />
I long for that intimacy between a man a woman ... financially, I could never afford the medical insurance and living expenses of living alone. <br />
<br />
I am in therapy ... and yes it helps to a degree, but it doesn't always hold the key to our issues or my loneliness.

Tough for anyone outside of your exact situation to say what is best. I have been close to this situation but never quite in it. I think the difficult but fairest thing to do is to sit down and talk it out with your wife, if there is any way possible to do so. Not just if it's comfortable, but if there is any way. Personally, whether I happened to be the disabled partner or the partner who was "going batty" but trying to help, either way, I would want HONESTY and OPENNESS. Nobody can be expected to forego all of their human needs for the sake of another, as that would lead to bitterness, anger, misery beyond what has already been brought into the couple's life due to the disability, and ultimately would drive a permanent wedge between partners. PERHAPS there is a way that you and your wife could be very realistic about BOTH of your sets of needs. If so, perhaps you could find out what would make things better for her, help her towards those things, and also get an understanding with her that it is OK for you to have other companionship. Not to replace her, mind you......that would be cruel......but to allow BOTH of you to have outlets for your needs, each on your own levels of functioning. Not sure if this helps, but hope so. Will post again if I think of anything. I had a partner of 10 years who, when diagnosed with cancer, gave me a great gift: His understanding and permission that, if he should become disabled and / or disoriented to the point where he could no longer be a companion to me, and I became super lonely, that it would be OK with him if I saw a selected other companion who was AWARE of our situation, and sympathetic to BOTH of us. Never needed to do this, as sadly my partner passed away within 6 months. But knowing that he cared so much about my needs even in his pain, meant a great deal to me. If he had lived longer, I might have taken up on his idea, but don't know how that would have worked out. MOST IMPORTANT: No lying, cheating, or hiding things should be needed between 2 people who, disabled or not, are TRUE PARTNERS in life. If you can do it honestly and fairly, do it. If not, seek counseling together if you can. Best wishes!

My wife has chronic neuralgia, edema, and chronic pain. She takes pain medication, and anticonvulsants. She is also tired all the time. I am looking into getting her a presc<x>ription af Modafinil, which is normally for narcolepsy, but it works great for chronic fatigue too. Ask your wife's doctor about it for her situation.

I am that wife the disbled burden onmy husband. He needs his life too. I encourage him to go out and do things He drives the trolley, Lions and I want him to go to Karate again becaause of his stress. You sound like you are using your energy. talk to your wife explain your pain. Even if she doesn't you need a life. i do not condone fooling around or divorce. If my husband did either it wouldkill me.

I am that wife also and even told my husband after a few years that he could leave me if he wanted, I would understan. He said "No". He doesn't have much of a life so it doesn't bother him.

My Friend.<br />
I am in the same predicament as you. My wife has a neurological condition that has got worse over the last year. She is now a full time wheel chair user. I have support from her family so i can continue working but we have to do everything for her. We have been married since 1996 and she got diagnosed in 1998. W have only really been together as a married couple for 2 years so i have been a carer ever since. <br />
Over the last year. it has been extremely dificult. In march 2008, whilst my wife was in hospital. i found a lump on a testicle. I was fine after the scan but in the 3 weeks that i was waiting. my eyes were opened to my situation. I hope u will forgive me for being candid but in that 3 weeks i thought i was going to die. Until that moment i was prepared to let her do waht she wanted, get away with it. she slipped into the not going out. and when we did, having to make sure there was a toilet close incase she needed it. i had to on some occasions go and vet a place when we ever did go out. Persistantly tell me "i wasnt doing it right and how here mum and dad were better at stuff than i was. It tends to have an adverse efferct on a person. I have read the previous post about how u divorse isnt the answer. and in some ways i agree. but. i am now in a situation that sometimes i hate to be at home. i have a 5 year old son. because my Inlaws say that she cant be left on her own. i cant do the son father stuff. i cant take him camping because the facilities at camp site are not good. i want to take him walking in the hills and cant take my wife because theres no wheelchair paths etc. i can understand every word u say. i feel at the moment that i am not a husband, im a carer. and a poor father because i cant do these things with him. im also scared to do anything about it because of what people think. like the previous post there is only one person that can deal with this and it is you. and me. but, at the moment i am living on my morals ie in sickness and in health. but i will say one thing. you have to have a life to. or you will have issues. it took my lump to wake me up. people see the poor person in the wheelchair sometimes but never look at the person pushing it.<br />
<br />
good luck my friend

I do agree with you, but being one day well, next day disabled, I understand the other side as well. There has got to be a happy medium for you. Have someone watch your wife while you take your son camping, that bonding is so important. I would give anything to go camping again, but the bathroom issue or EMC issue comes up. I think you're a champ for being a caregiver, but yes you need time away from that. Find some help and somewhere to relieve you and wheneve you can, get your wife to go. I know it's scary for me now to get out, but if someone pushed me, we make it somehow, porta-potty and all.

I don't think anyone should judge unless they are in the exact same situation as you - which is impossible. The other side of the coin is that you only live once and you must experience life. But, I am in a similar situation and am having similar issues. Does she know that you are bored? Have you talked to her about it?

My BF has been disabled a little over a year. We are both social extroverts. Our friends realize that to see us they have to make the effort to come to our house so my BF will be comfortable. We have a full house every weekend. Perhaps you could be more proactive and throw a dinner party. A fire pit in the backyard is a good substitute for a campfire. Share your feelings with your wife and I bet she wants to help relieve the boredom as well. Moving on to another woman because of this problem is not a good idea... what happens when she is older and sicker and you get bored again?

whatever happened to "in sickness and in health?"<br />
<br />
being disabled does not give you the license to be boring. but have you asked yourself what you've contributed to your marriage aside from being with her? why don't you try to be creative and think of ways to spend quality, exciting time with your wife

Yes that would be wrong but people have no idea what you feel. Your wife is proberly aware of your desires and she would feel bad for your situation.<br />
<br />
There no easy answer. Any man who has desire for other women should make a decision of what he wants to do. Putting that sort of pressure on anyone is unfare in any marriage.<br />
<br />
Your wife is disabled and she does get tired which is understandable but you still have to push her to go out and be happy. You have to take her to dinner and camping and make her realize she is still alive.<br />
<br />
This may help both of you in the long run. Otherwise you will just drive each other crazy.