Ptsd Ruined Our Relationship

I'm relieved to find this website.  I recently broke up with my boyfriend because of the same things I am reading here.  He returned from Afghanistan a couple of months ago.  He was so nice when he was in Afghanistan...he sent me flowers, he was very communicative with me via phone and internet.  He treated me great.  I figured that would be the same person who came home to me.  Not even close.  The first week home, I spoiled him rotten...I booked a luxury hotel on the beach and it was paradise. However, he managed to drink everything in the mini bar and he would be passed out cold.  He passed out on the bathroom floor, he passed out in name it, he passed out on it.  I didn't realize that drinking would be such a big thing for him.  The week after he was home, he was staying at his brothers house and he went silent for 2 answering his phone, no returning my phone calls, no responding to my texts.  I still didn't know the reason behind I called a mutual friend and said if this is how he is going to be, then I don't want his military stuff here and I'm going to throw it out.  I thought he was being a jerk.  Our mutual friend called my boyfriend and told him (which interestingly enough, my boyfriend answered his call..albeit drunk).  My boyfriend then called me and proceeded to threaten to kill me 4 times, in 4 separate voicemails.  It was shocking to me to hear someone who supposedly loved me tell me quite emphatically that he was going to kill me.  At the time, I thought it was my fault because I did say I would get rid of his things, which wasn't a mature thing to say.  I was fed up. Anyways, the last straw for me came 2 weeks ago.  I had a job interview and he knew about it, so he texted me that morning to tell me good luck and he loved me.  I replied that I would let him know how it went after the interview, which I did. The entire day I never heard back from him.  At 11 pm I texted him and said that I wished he had replied to my text because I wanted to talk to him about my interview.  I learned to text him more than call him because I too was beginning to walk on egg shells, not knowing if I would get Nice Boyfriend or Beligerant Boyfriend on the other end.  He replied to my text with "are you kidding me" and then "go f*** yourself because you always blame me".  I couldn't believe my text upset him so much.  I thought it was an overreaction.  My role in the relationship has been to keep him calm.  He came unglued when we were at the airport and there was a problem with the parking ticket, I remember saying over and over it's going to be ok.  It calmed him down. So, I tried to calm him down that night by making a joke to which he replied "go f*** yourself and don't make fun of my mother" which I wasn't making fun of her at all. I don't even know how he got that idea.  I was trying to bring this under control and keep him from spinning out of control.  Then he texted me "you are an insecure little girl".  I was so confused by this and I just crumbled and I told him he lost me.  That is the last time we talked.  Just the night before he texted me numerous times that I was his baby and he loved me.  He had me meet his kids.  He told me he was going to marry me someday. We looked at property to buy.  I just had no idea what I did to make him so mad.  I tried reaching out to him, phone, text, e-mail...nothing.  A mutual friend even talked to him and said we had something amazing and we need to talk and fix whatever happened, and he said he agreed and he was going to call me that night.  He didn't...he was probably passed out drunk.  He moved closer to me (we lived about 8 hours away from each other before he moved).  He still moved, but we aren't together.  I talked to his cousin after this incident and she acknowledged that he is a hot mess and he's a great soldier but he doesn't handle life well.  She said love screws him up and he tried to be normal but he can't be. She told him a couple of times "don't screw this up".  They are very close so she knew how he gets.  At first I thought she was telling me fibs, but I believe she is telling the truth.  She said if he had been drinking, nothing I said or did would be right. He is a binge drinker.  She also said when he drinks he becomes very scary, to the point that his roommate leaves for a couple of days.  I've been sad over our break up and I've thought it was all my fault and I've tried to talk to him but he shuts down.  He texted me a week ago that he misses me and he called me by my pet name, he told me his family really liked me and he said we had something amazing.  I've been so confused wondering what I did that made him get so mad. He told me he would call me the next day to talk...he never called.  He told me he pushes people I realize that's what he did.  I don't think he is able to talk to me because he doesn't understand what happened either with us.  I also don't think he comprehends or remembers what he said to me.  For all I know, he may not even remember our last phone call.    Like someone else said, if he has a feeling that he will always be like this, why bother trying to have a relationship. He pushed me away because he knows he is hard to live with.  I think I could be there to help him because I love him that much.   Now, after reading all these stories, I feel like it wasn't me that he was running away from. I think he has PTSD.  He witnessed someone getting killed during combat and body parts hit him and he had to climb up the turret and he had to climb over carnage.  I'd have issues too and I'm not judging anyone with PTSD.  I think it's an awful thing to go through, but they make a decision to go through it alone when they push us away.  I don't know if that is their attempt to protect us.  I wanted to help him, but if he doesn't want to help himself, then what can I do.  It just makes me miserable, sad, scared and I am normally very upbeat, outgoing, vibrant.  I second guessed myself in the relationship because I wouldn't want to set him off.  He told me so many times that I had to keep him from doing stupid stuff.  I think he knows he has issues but he won't get help for fear that will make him look weak.  I feel for all of you and your stories.  I can relate so well to being in love and wanting to be together, but fearing the one you love and the price you pay for being with someone who can be so sweet and then be so cruel in a split second.  These stories have helped me put some closure on this and I feel better. While I feel better and I'm relieved to read that others are going through the same thing, my heart goes out to you all because it is so hard to live like this. I
sinamonsgirl sinamonsgirl
10 Responses Oct 6, 2010

If I may, I think.if you love him and want to be with him someday you're going to have to take it slow... real slow. Don't expect phone calls everyday. Be prepared for him.disappearing for days at a time..its all part of dating a vet. Its sooo hard at first.. but once the PTSD gets better, they are great men. But this kind of relationship requires a great deal of strength and confidence. You have to love him like hes #1 but never make him what your world evolves around because it isnt steady enough. You need to be your you need to be steady...

Dont ever threaten to throw his.military stuff out. Big mistake.

Dont ever reply to.him with force remember soldiers learn to return fire with fire.

He will drink... a lot. And you will let.him because drinking isnt.the problem, the trauma is. And that takes a longgggg time to become bearable.

The best thing for you to do in a beginning relationship w a soldier is try to get him to get help.
He will get angry ALOT. He might have nightmares which can.lead to a punch in.the face in.the middle of the night. You will be awakened by his.screams or.his horrific sleep talk....... but at.the end of it all, when the wounds begin to mend and he can rise you will see that loving a soldier is a beautiful blessing. They are the strongest of men. Their willingness to lay their life down for something is precious. It just takes time. We can not imagine what these soldiers have.encountered. they have seen things that we cannot fathom..they know.what life or death truly mens. They have had terrible things and as a result.often times they dont feel worthy of being.loved. you see the reason he pushes you away is not about hatred or.anger. it is because he doesnt think.he.deserves you. He doesnt think.he deserves anything.good. Every veteran knows someone who lost in battle. To.him, he has no right happy. Its sad. Its a twisted way of seeing.things but their truth. But under it all there is a have to try your best to remember that and find a way the Hero within.. love him enough that you can watch him.fall apart, stand firm as it.does then walk on over and pick up the pieces no matter how many times it takes. Loving him will make you a.better person. You will be less selfish. You will learn to love unconditionally. I am not telling you to approve of abuse or tolerate it. I am to be patient and try to.remember that beyond the stubborn, angry drunk man you see there is a wounded soldier who needs someone even if he wont admit it. Its up to you if you want to be.that someone.

Please try to be understanding with him. I know it seems like a lot and believe me it is because I have PTSD. I don't know his story. But I'll tell you that I suffer from abandonment. I had a platoon of 12 and we were a close knit group. Sort of like my family but you know different ages and ethnicities. Anyways one deployment changed everything. I lost nearly half of them on a mission. I don't want to get into details about it. But how do you spend nearly everyday training, sleeping beside your friend and take an oath to protect your team. Then most of them are wiped out. I lost a good woman because I let my anger get out of control not physically but verbally. I said some hurtful things that I know I can't take back. Thing is I said them and I didn't remember it a minute later. Now she's gone and I'm really feeling it... Please be patient, but never let him raise a fist to you or anything along those lines

Hi I saw your post and it kinda hit home. I am married and my husband was in afghanistan a cpl times and lost alot of friends and it affected him in a big way (and i was always there for him to try and help him through it all) was diagnosed with severe PTSD and since hes been back has been very verbally abusive, and I always felt he forgot some of the things he\'s said to me. its been 5 yrs that we\'ve been together but he has seemed to forget how badly he treated me and how bad his anger got. he is out of the army now and has been worse ever since he got out. but he kicked me and the kids out of the house a few times in a mth, and didnt even come begging for me to come back. and the last time i decided to come back cause the kids needed their beds to sleep in and he said if i come back he will leave and stop paying rent and all the bills. which he did he left has been gone over a mth and wont talk to me and wont admit hes wrong in any of this. he wont tell me if he wants a div or tell me if he loves me or not. I am completly lost and broken hearted over this. I just dont know if I should just give up or what. is this from PTSD or is this cause he just doesnt want to be married anymore? I cant get him to talk to me at all or the kids. I got a restraining order on him the last time he left cause I was afraid of how he would act if he came home and i was still there. and i got it bcuz of past ways he has treated me. well now hes using this to blame EVERYTHING on me including our relationship and how bad he treated me and the kids. but i know this is not the only reason bcuz he left us and kicked us out many times b4 this. He acts like hes never done anything wrong. I guess I just want to know if you think this is from PTSD and if i should give up? thanks for any advise you or anyone can give me.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD related to the loss of the woman I love and how they died and the fact that I witnessed it followed by another person committing suicide by jumping off a roof in front of me and a few other things in my life kinda towards that end. I had been in a relationship with a close friend and I helped ruin it because I was overprotective and always had trust issues, although she did some things that would later add to the trust issues, and I had a hard time expressing myself and my feelings. I would either try to hard or be numb to her feelings and it was hard to get a good in between because I had numbed myself to the world for a while to escape the pain and hence didn't know how to find the middle ground. I admit towards the end she did a lot of things that were screwed up but she had a hard time with the whole relationship thing because my PTSD was mainly caused by the trauma of witnessing that loved one die in a horrible way I wish to not speak of all I can say is I held her and my hands were covered in blood from trying to stop the bleeding. As you can imagine this affected me and I had a hard time dealing with it especially since I was going to marry that woman who I lost, followed by a few months later my best friend jumping from a roof because his sister died. I know how hard it had to be for the girl I ended up with to deal with my night terrors and to deal with me always pushing her away and always comparing her to the other girl during those trust issues or the fact that I can not forget the other girl and if I could I would say sorry to her for what I did but my PTSD issues destroyed both the relationship and our friendship because she was not understanding of these problems. So remember to always be supportive of someone who has PTSD if you are in a relationship with them because it is hard for them and if they hurt you sometimes it is hard for them to say they are sorry or to be intimate in the first place in any way at all. If you think PTSD is hard for you as the person with that person who has it imagine how hard it is to be the one with it and not knowing how to cope.

I have dated someone with PTSD as well and it's so hard ESP when ur friends and family don't understand. We started out as fwbs and he never acknowledged he had feelings for me until just a few months ago. We had been seeing each other for over a year now. So this summer we spent every week together. He lives an hour away and I would drive to visit him. He wasn't very trusting and would get very jealous about other guys in my life. Finally his walls came down and he started talking long term and where we would live if we moved in together. Then he said he wanted to be my bf. A week later he broke up w me saying it was his PTSD and he had relapsed. He told me to find someone else and make myself happy bc he can't do that right now. We still text and talk and he seems to still care but idk what he wants bc he's so confusing. I dont want to give up on him bc I really care for him but idk what to do :( any advice???

I stumbled across this site and I have to say how amazing it is to read everyone's stories. Just like you, Petal 917, I met my now fiance after he returned from Iraq. We've been together almost 2 years. He works on his issues and he has been taking medication for about 10 months now. We have gone through many good months recently, but now..just before our wedding he has slipped away from me again. It is so hard to love someone with PTSD. I don't live in a community with a large military community so I have no one who really understands what its like. I'd love to make some friends (if even online) to talk to and help support each other for those of us that are sticking with our men through all of this.

I have a gf, now ex, that I think has major PTSD and I would love to be a friend with you to discuss all of this. It has been hard for me and obviously very hard for her, but she does not think she has it yet she has all of the tell-tale signs. We broke up over 2 months ago and I am still very sad over it (I had to break up with her) and miss her greatly.

My boyfriend has PTSD and he's been battling with it since he came back from Iraq (8 years ago). We've only been with each other for almost two years. When we met, he informed me about his PTSD and treatments he's gone through. He's been through so many different doctors and he doesn't take any meds. He suffers more than just PTSD and they're all invisible wounds. He doesn't drink. He does his best to be healthy by eating fruits and veggies. He does yoga consistently. Although he cares for himself in those ways, he faces a great deal of decision making especially about us. His moods changes dramatically. One day he'll love me and want to marry me then the next day he doesn't want to be together and gives me the silent treatment. This has happened quite a few times and I refuse to give up on him. I do my very best to reassure him that I will never stop caring for him. As of today, he's confused about being together. Probably tomorrow he'll change his mind. There are moments when I just want to give up and move on but then I realize that I want to be the one to really help him and find support. I love him very much and I put allot energy caring for him. I sometimes want to give up and just leave him but I know if I do that I'll miss him more and vis versa. What can I do at this point? Should I let him go or continue helping him? Thank you everyone that shared their experiences and stories.

Thank you, sinamon, for writing this entry! PTSD negatively affected a relationship of mine as well. I'm not yet ready to share in detail about it, but I plan to in the near future. The big difference in my story is that I am the one suffering from PTSD. In short, the Love of my life had his own insecurites and issues, and before my Delayed PTSD surfaced, we were able to effectively balance out each others' weaknesses. We were completely and deliriously happy. As I experienced more and more joy due to our relationship and his mere presence in my life, unfortunately the pent up grief and stress soon thereafter surfaced. I'm ashamed and am so horribly regretful for my statements and actions during that time. While I know our end wasn't all my fault, I know my fr<x>ame of mind played a very large part of it. Also, I'm not so naive as to blame all my ill statements and actions on my condition... I have to own my bad behavior; but my condition DID prevent much of any clear thinking at the time. Our relationship ended nearly a year ago, and I still miss him every day. My chest is heavy every time I allow myself to think of how much I miss him... how much I miss us being us. I know I'm through the worst of recovery now, but I have much more to sort out. I know I have lost my Love forever, and therein lies more grief to experience and overcome. Thank you again for sharing your story: it has helped me to imagine the situation from a partner's--and possibly my exboyfriend's--point of view.<br />
Blessings and Be Well,<br />

i am 20 yr old female and have had ptsd since i barely turned 13.. i know that most of u say your partners refuse to take meds. they dont have to take them, im not so well now i have my ups and downs, they can learn to control it if they want to. the last thing they wanna hear is those cold scientific terms. it takes alot but its worth it, for someone that really wants to try. i only learned and was able to control my anxiety when i found out that my uncle years ahead of me had it. the rest of my family didnt really bother to learn listen or understand at all.if u try to learn all u can about it it helps. when ur nice and supportive or encouraging it helps. because we act odd we feel odd. so if u agree its a normal reaction because of ptsd we calm down.<br />
<br />
if the person excercises this can help release alot of the nervous energy/stress. 5 min tho an hr is good enough, you dont have to push yourself. u can start with yoga, stretching does help.<br />
<br />
not consuming anything that contains caffeine helps alot. *(caffeine increases anxiety they get jittery easily even if its not apparent). things that may contain it that u may not realize is chocolate. check everything to make sure it doesnt have caffeine.(some orange sodas have it) i had a hard time getting off of drinking the stuff i started drinking green tea (it contains a low amount of caffeine)adding milk and whipped cream at least to me gives it a slight taste close to coffee, i drank it till it i got sick of it. try to have them stick to natural juices and water. the more natural the better. *lavender tea is very good for tea it only works when its pure lavender it has a slight sweetness to it. if u cant locate any grow your own. 2 tsp will usually calm them down for a tea and they might beable to relax enough to sleep. dont use too much, too much of a good thing can be bad like anything<br />
<br />
change the diet. eating healthy helps everyone. it makes a big impact for ptsd sufferers, eat more veggies and fruit, hydrate urself with water, change sugar and maple syrup for honey if u can its really sweet and natural so u dont use so much and its natural.i like clover honey, feel free to discover wat type u like. dont eat junk food or fast food so much limit the times u go out to eat or grab those things every month. lets say u can have it 2wice a month and u ate 3 times. so next month u can have it once. discipline and patience pays.<br />
<br />
if they feel out of sorts try to suggest a schedule they can use it to feel like they have control over thier lives better , were so emotional at times we get jumbled up. self help books and books on ptsd can help us understand our condition. read stuff too. its comforting when someone understands you.<br />
<br />
go out sometimes take time to relax. go check out a nice view.<br />
<br />
meditation can work and be a thing for some people.<br />
<br />
people with ptsd dont always realize we are rude and accusing or defensive. we get triggers and try to protect ourselves, sometimes we react to harshly or odd. some might say ur too sensitive, its only cause ur reaction makes them feel wierd about how they reacted, but if u dont react it might make us think u dont care, thing is just dont take it personally. we dont mean it.we're sorry even if we dont show it. but u should call us on it sometimes, we need to correct ourselves dont be an enabler! love care and understanding does alot. dont expect to see miricles in a day. just like how we got there it takes a while. some of us may need touch therapy. try to identify triggers. maybe slowly u guys can figure out ways to desensitize them. for men i do not advise a woman or wife to help with touch therapy amongst themselves. its better to have it done by a proffesional.u dont know how they will react. there will be relapses. nobody is perfect. sometimes something happens and u loose progress. but its okay its like the unexpected that happens in life.<br />
<br />
before i couldnt be touched by a man on my back a certain way, now it doesnt matter the gender,ive been able to hold it 10 sec no more. if i hold myself i get defensive irritable and angry, even accusing of someone trying to hurt me. if i dont hold myself up cause it was more than i can bear i scream and cry for 2 hrs. saying i wanna kill myself. not true. thats just my reaction. i know people arent trying to hurt me, my body just has that impression. people have different reactions sometimes they dont know or forget. i try to work on it sometimes it gets bad and people need to stay at arms length away from me. i just need to let people know how i am comfortable. i find it better to say or explain than not say anything. hey its better than having someone freak out and not know why. that way u know what not to do to trigger someones tiggers or to be cautious about it, u need to live too.<br />
<br />
because of this ive had fun times where i experienced no anxiety or ptsd symptoms and could even indulge in things like caffeine junkfood and chips. but ive always got to stick to this regimin most of the time to keep myself like that. try to come up with a collection of fun happy songs to chill them out. dance a lil. growing plants painting or doing some hobby they love helps alot too they should take some time during the day for me time to do what they love for an hr or something.<br />
<br />
this might seem strict but its worth it being healthy and free from ptsd once in a while. i didnt belive this stuff would help but it did.if anything the symptoms lessen. meds are temporary. they may help at first to calm them enough till they can care for themselves but can cause them to be lazy. on zoloft i didn t have to care wat i ate or if i excerised, but then i wasnt taking care of myself. and kept needing to get meds all the time. its better without meds. makes u stronger and self reliant not just with ptsd but to keep going with life. hope this helps. <br />
<br />
:) with love to all the people with ptsd and the people who still love us thru n thru.<3 we are normal we are human this is a normal to have issues is normal. but its not normal to not do anything about it so get up. its not too late.u can love u have alot to give, im sure, and u are good enough. you can do this. try this out <br />
<br />
btw those fruit veggie juicers are great for juice. ahaha

Im in the same situation...<br />
My boyfriend and I are almost over because of PTSD...<br />
<br />
I live in Japan and he lives in United states.<br />
I met him when he was stationed in Japan as a marine 6 year ago. We were happy cuple but broke up once after he went back to United states because of the distance.<br />
2 years later, he went to Iraq and sent me some messeges to apologize to me that he left me because he could die there...<br />
<br />
After that, we became good friends. However I didn't know that he got terrible PTSD then.<br />
About 4 months ago, we finally realized we still love each other a lot and got back together.<br />
He told me he has PTSD and has been in therapy and taking madication, but he seemed to be stable and happy. He told me how much he loves me many times and we were talking about marriage but...<br />
About a month later, everything started to change...<br />
He suddenly started to shut himself off from me. I was so confused and asked him.<br />
He said, " My brain thinks people who I love are going to die because so many marines who I loved were killed... so I isolate myself from everything to cope with my PTSD. But I want to be normal, I need you..."<br />
<br />
I told him Im always be here for him. I have been studying about PTSD to understand his pain as much as I can. I really want to support him but Im so sad, lonely and miserable...because I can't see him, his cell phone is always answering machine and he never call me back. Sometimes I email him but he never reply to me. He is completely different person and there is nothing I can do for him...<br />
<br />
Even if I can understand about his condition by my brain, it is too hard to take it by my heart because my heart seeks his love...<br />
Few days ago, he finally replyed to me, but it was very sad message. he said indifferently " This is not your fault, you can stop caring about me, you need to be happy." <br />
I told him I never stop caring about him as long as he needs me, but no reply...<br />
He seems to be numb.<br />
I seriously need someone who can share this pain, none of my friend can understand this situation.<br />
<br />
Thank you so much for reading my story in broken English.<br />
This website helps me a lot.

I'm sorry you're having to go throught this right now. To me it seems like you've done all you can do. The way I see it he's not ready to help himself. And the drinking just makes that worse. I myself have had PTSD and overcame it. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. But I wanted to do it. And I know if I hadn't been ready or hadn't seen what it was doing to me there's no one who could have shown me. I hope one day he will get the help he needs. That will most likely have to come from sort of counsellor or phschiatrist. There's nothing more you can do though and it's not fair to you for him to keep lashing out at you and threatening you. At this point you're not being selfish by thinking of what you need and what is best for you right now. I hope I've helped at least a little and if you need someone to talk to or just someone to listen to you feel free to message me anytime.<br />
Take Care!