My Version Of Dante's Inferno...

First of all, let me start by saying my husband and I were together before he ever joined the military. We got married shortly after he got to the fleet and everything was perfect. Then he went to Iraq. My husband was the kind of man who would never call a woman a disrespectful name, not even a *****. Two months into this deployment, **** hit the fan, hard. At the ages of 21 and 20, we had no idea how to handle everything. Needless to say, we seperated for an entire year. That time for me was and still is a big blur. Drinking every chance I could, going to work still drunk and starting again before I would clock out. On our 2 year wedding anniversary, we got back together and I ended up getting pregnant a month and a half later. Worst timing in the world. He was leaving in 4 months to go to Afghanistan. Perfect. Broken relationship, deployment #2, and a baby on the way. Three days before he left, we found out our little bundle of joy was going to be doubled. Twins?! Can this get any better? Never the less, we made it through the entire deployment without a single arguement. Even with pregnancy hormones, and everything he had going on (which I still don't know more than a handful of stories), we made it. 5 days after he came home, our babygirls were born. Life was finally perfect, or so I thought. My first clue something was awry was the night the girls were born. The entire 3 days I was in the hospital, he was there maybe 2 hours total. Would not stay with me. It killed, but I let it go. Things were great for the first month. Then he started sleeping on the floor. The bed was "too uncomfortable" and he felt "more at home" on the floor. Then, it became a bargaining chip. "If you don't shut up, I'm sleeping on the floor tonight." Or first bad night was our first time going to a friends house for the night. There was some drama and the girls needed to go to bed, so I suggested we leave. Everything was perfect, until we laid down to go to sleep. He started telling me I was being a ***** for making him leave early and how he didn't have time to have any fun because as soon as he got back, I had the girls. Completely pissed me off. Like that is controllable? He proceeded to throw EVERYTHING off the bed and told me if I didn't leave, I was next. As you can imagine, my husband also has a ptsd related drinking problem. It is so bad, he literally cannot sleep without alcohol. Everything I do for him feels like it is never good enough. I get stressed out pretty easily with having 3 month old twins. His response? Dyoure a stay at home mom. Its your job." He has also been having anxiety attacks, so when I decide to "be a stay at home mom" and do dishes, I get yelled at for taking away what helps his anxiety. I can't tell him things that bother me, because they get blown out of proportion, talking to a friend is out because "they're our problems and no one needs to know about them". If I update my facebook status and is the slightest bit negative, I again am in the wrong because then I'm being like all the other bitchy women and he doesn't like reading it. This is my only outlet, but he still *******. "All you're going to do on there is ***** about me. Its a website just for people to *****!" He says this, even though it was his cousin that found out about it. I know he would never lay a hand on our children, but he has come pretty close with me. No matter who it is that ****** him off for the day, I am the outlet for his anger. I've been diagnosed with PPD and its very hard to balance all of my emotions, and at least 4 nights out of the week I end up crying myself to sleep. We've contacted the VA to try to set an appointment with a counsilor, but, being the military, its a very slow process. I feel much better just being able to vent, but it shouldn't have to come to an annonomous website to do so. I just want my husband back. The one that was sweet and loving. The one that knew how important the small things are.
icenfire0525 icenfire0525
22-25, F
5 Responses Oct 4, 2011

Well thank you for the feedback. He're's an update to the story. We moved back to our home town in October of last year. November, he kicked in his mother's back door, and has been charged and convicted with a 4th degree felony. Then in February, he got an OVI after wrecking the car he had just bought a week prior. The very next day (after I picked him up from the cop shop at 3 a.m.) he got mad at me for not lying to the cops, and we got into the biggest fight over my phone. Long story short, he's currently sitting in jail for not only the felony and the OVI, but a domestic violence as well. He has finally realized he has a drinking problem, and after 2 and 1/2 months of being seperated, is starting to pull his head out of his ***. He is finally getting help through the V.A. and they are trying to regulate him on medicine. It just hurts because this is not what I wanted our twins to grow up with. I had to move back in with my mom, but my financial situation is finally looking up, and he wants to try to work on things when he gets out on July 5. I love him with every piece of my broken heart, but I am struggling to decide if it's worth it all. My girls don't need to watch their mommy go through all the problems, but at the same time, they deserve a happy family. Any suggestions?

The affect of war on some is far less forgiving then on others. We all react, change and compromise in different ways and for those very few lucky people they can compartmentalise the other side of their emotions and memories. My own experience tells me that we MUST face our demons and most importantly write about them in stories or poems. I joined FLOW for ALL a few years back and it changed my life and that of my families. The support I received from them, the recognition and even praise for my poems all helped me to cope. PTSD will never leave me but I now have far more coping mechanisms than ever before.<br />
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If all you do is visit their site and read some of the amazing poetry shared by people just like you, me and anyone else, that experience alone can be therapeutic... that's how I started there. Good luck x

I'm very sorry to hear about this happening to you too. My husband recently returned from Afghanistan and came back a completely different person. He started using synthetic marijuana and well my marriage is pretty much **** now. Ive lost hope in him, his excuse for smoking is that he has anxiety and it helps him relax and not think about the stuff that happened to him but now I just think its a load of crap. He treats me like ****, says stuff like that maybe I should die. He gets bad anxiety all the time and has really BAD BAD mood swings. When he has a mood swing, all hell breaks loose. He starts throwing **** around and acts like a little kid. He comes home when hes not hit and starts taking out his stress on me. He has a fit over the fact that he cant find a fucken sock!! He doesn't help me around the house and barely pays attention to his daughter. He just wants to sit around and play video games. I don't know what to do because I still care about him but hes dragging me down along with him. He hates spending time with us. But he has an awesome time with his buddies! So much that he chooses them and his drugs over us. I don't know who this man is anymore. He doesn't want to go to a pyschaitrist because hes scared they will lock him away. At this point maybe it'd be the best if he did get locked away!! I honestly can say ptarmigan has made me hate the person I call husband


Wow, I know where you're coming from. Back when I was "lost" through the onset of ptsd nothing was working for me at home. Now I realized that it was no ones "fault" but that my head was messed up. I am now in the process of a divorce after 25 years of marriage.<br />
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This may sound cruel but what I should have done was to put some distance between myself and my family, believe it or not. I should have got an apartment down the street where I could have set the environment to my pace and had "visitations" my family until the dust settled and I got a handle on things. <br />
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Please don't mess around thinking either of you can handle this. For the sake you your marriage and your kids, move heaven and earth to get some solid help for both of you. Whatever you have to do.

I feel for you. Things in your life are amplified a bazillion times - you with Postpartum depression - him with PTSD. You story touches me and I wish I could help. <br />
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I had a great boyfriend - he was awesome but he let me go because I'm the one with PTSD. I was the angry one. Crazy, almost. Drinking myself to sleep, self medicating with alcohol. Suicidal. Angry. Oh my - was I angry. At everyone and everything. Couldn't sleep. I got help, thank God. That boyfriend and I are still friends but he moved on and I couldn't blame him. And I moved on and am able to lead a semi-normal life. But I still have my moments. I look back and can't imagine how confused and terrified my boyfriend must have been by my behavior. <br />
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Him kicking me to the curb and kicking me out of the house woke me up enough to know that I needed some serious help before I hurt myself or someone else. <br />
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I don't know if they have it there but you may check into some other places for couseling...Lutheran Family Services is where I started counseling (for free even) before I got in with the VA, maybe they have something in your area. Even if he won't go it would be a good idea for you to go alone if you have to. Good luck sweety - if you need to vent I will listen.