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Married To Ptsd

I have been married twice. The first time I experienced PTSD was back in the early to mid seventies while married to my first husband who had been deployed to Vietnam twice. He was a kind and seemingly gentle man. He took the responsibility of raising my daughter as his own. Shortly after we were married I started noticing being shut out more and his moodiness. He became violently agitated. Needless to say, I blamed myself for not being the woman I should have been. The violence I experienced made me hate him and all men. I convinced myself that I never loved him and was not sure why we ever got married.

Ten years after we divorced, I became involved again with my child's father. Everyone thought it was a fairytale relationship. Getting back together after all those years and my daughter finally having her real father in her life, Now this man had been a policeman and was shot in the line of duty. He was never able to work again after that incident. He too suffered from PTSD. Once I started investigating what PTSD is and how it effects someone I realized that my first husband also suffered from this dreaded disorder and it was not my fault that he did the things he did.

My current husband will not admit anything is wrong. He thinks it is normal to want to shut yourself
up for days at a time with little or no contact with others. He has never been a father to his daughter who is now grown with children of her own. Or a grandfather to his grandsons. He quit being a husband years ago. He sleeps with a gun under his pillow when I am not home. He seems suspicious of everything and everyone. The only saving grace for me has been that he is a non-violent person. As he ages he seems to get worse and he refuses to seek any help what so ever.

A few years ago my first husband and I started talking to each other. He apologized for all things he put us through. He admitted he did not know why he did those things, but has since gotten help and is on 100% disability through the VA for PTSD and another previous injury. It was a healing process for both of us. For me knowing that it was not my fault and for him knowing that he has been forgiven. I also realized that yes I did love him and that I had married him due to that love. It was an eye opener as for so many years I never remembered ever loving him at all. I knew I had to have or I would never had married him.

Dealing with both of these men put me in my own form of PTSD. Especially dealing with the first marriage as that had been the worst. I wonder if all men are like this. I have become suspicious when it comes to dealing with most men. I currently see a counselor and doctor and think that has brought some sense to all this madness. I am not sure if I will stay with my current husband as it has been twenty five years and he still refuses help. I can only do so much. I am getting older and need to start worrying about ME more.
EMaring EMaring 56-60 Sep 17, 2012

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