Its So Hard To Stay Strong...i'm Just Scared

My fiance was diagnosed with ptsd 6 months ago after he was blasted by an IED in Afghanistan. Fortunately he didnt lose any limbs, but 2 of our friends are double amputees and we lost another one. Even though he has no major visible injuries, he tells me he wishes he died that night so he wouldn't have to feel all the pain, guilt, and negative emotions. Sadly, he has had 3 previous deployments where he lost people under his command. He can't handle the flashbacks anymore. He barely sleeps and he is on constant pain because he developed complex regional pain syndrome that causes the nerves in his arm to shoot pain up his arm to his head. I am 100% supportive of what he is going through, and even though i will never fully understand everything he's been through i'm still willing to take any of it i can to let him rest even for a little. Lately it has been difficult for me to connect with him and i don't know where are relationship is going.
He is currently living in San Diego on the medical base, and i'm here in LA because i'm going to nursing school. During the first 2 months of him being back i dropped out of school to take care of him and everything was going well. He was going through depression and only showing minor signs of his PTSD. Unfortunately, i had to go back to school and that's when all our problems started. He was becoming more angry, depressed, and being distant from me. We started fighting a lot and it was making me feel insecure. He wasn't understanding my concerns and he kept making feel bad for having the feelings i had. My trust issues also became worse because the only friend he has there is a girl who was in a helicopter crash and at the same time i'm afraid he's gonna be an alcoholic again. I know he's not a cheating type, but when our relationship is so bad i can't help but think that this girl is gonna take my place because i'm not there. He tries to reassure me that theres nothing with the girl but its so hard because i've been cheated on before by people i trusted. Things have gotten so bad that i had to go to the doctor and they diagnosed me with depression. Instead of being concerned he got mad at me because he thought that my problems and concerns weren't as important as the stuff he was going through. And to top it off, he couldn't even take me to the marine ball because he didn't want me arguing with him in front of his friends and he even took that girl too. it was suppossed to be the 3 of us, so i couldn't really say anything about it. he said he just didn't have the energy if we would fight there because it would break us up. i'm still hurt by it because after everything that i've been through to understand him, he couldn't understand me and he just left me behind. he hasn't even said sorry for it yet and still blames me that he couldn't trust me that i wasn't going to ruin in for him. it has been 3 weeks now and he is even more distant from me. i usually drive to pick him up, but for thanksgiving he went to a childhood friends house instead and this week he just wanted to be alone. he knows i miss him and i just want him back home, but he keeps telling me that he needs to be alone to fix himself right now. he keeps telling me to just trust him right now. but its so hard to just sit around when our relationship is so messed up. leaving him is always on my mind, but i love him and understand him that i can't just do that to him. he has even told me to find someone else already because i don't deserve to deal with the stuff that i have to put up with. but at the same time he doesn't want to leave the relationship. so now i'm just lost. to make it more confusing he even told me that i'm not priority right now because his guys that just came back have problems and he would rather help them because my problems are common and i should just be thankful that i don't have to go through what he has to go through in his head. Even though that comment broke me i couldn't argue because he's been a marine since he was 19 so being a marine leader is all he knows. And with his PTSD i can't blame him for anything. He has lost 22 of his close friends already through his deployments and in his head he can't stand to lose another one of his guys especially if they are asking for his help right now. he has always been the one to help anyone with everything he has. its one of the reasons why i fell in love with him, but in a way its making me bitter because i need him the most right now. I just want us to meet in the middle again or start off on a blank slate. i'm miss him so much. i'm scared to death that if he doesn't get better or our relationship doesn't get fixed, i'm gonna lose him forever. its so hard to just wait on someone you love so much, but their minds are just in a different place. he does make an effort to see how im doing at least once a day, but comparing that to texting and talking to each other for majority of our days before is making me worry too much. and l get sad too because i'm giving the space he asked for, but how bout me?

And what's it suppossed to mean when he gets mad  at me for not answering his call or texts right away ? i usually answer right away, but theres just times where im away from it. plus sometimes its just hard to answer him without bringing up how much i miss him or how much im hurting. he's the one that said that i shouldnt expect him to answer my calls and texts right away, but when i miss his his he gets offensive. i dont  understand him. 
Gellybean Gellybean
26-30, F
Dec 2, 2012