I Am Not Married...

but I am crazy about someone with PTSD. He is in the National Guard and it was triggered in his first deployment when he got shot. He told me within a couple of weeks about his disorder and since my uncle has it from his days in 'Nam I really thought that it would be no big deal to me.
We have been together for roughly a year now, but have known each other longer. It has been really bad within the past couple of months. I haven't heard from him in about 3 days now, and all of my friends are saying that I can't blame it on the disorder, but I drive by his house on my way to and from work, and his car is there alone. So I know that he isn't cheating or anything of that nature.
Am I really wrong in making these "excuses" for him? Or is this distance normal? This has happened before, and while it has gotten "easier" to deal with I am really not comfortable with the situation. Is there any advise that you guys can offer me?
MerciAlexis MerciAlexis
18-21, F
4 Responses Dec 30, 2012

Being married to a man before PTSD w/ TBI, and having PTSD myself (Both of us were military at the same time and deployed at the same time and both of our PTSD is from our deployment). I can tell you that over time things do get better, but before they get better they will more than likely get worse. It took us years to get to where an arguement once a month was a good thing, when you compare it to the nearly everyday it was at. Therapy does help, couples therapy not so much. we would get so mad at each during therapy that one of us would walk home from there. In one of our good days we both decided to get video camera's and walk around with them all day during the weekend, and that sunday we got so pissed off that we went round for round, verbally. But by monday we were okay, and after we got home from work we sat down and watched our video's together. We learned alot form that day. we kept it up for another year, slowly adding more and more days to what we videoed and soon we realized what each of us was doing, how and why it set the other person off. To be honest i don't even know how we came out alive of this situation, other than the good die young and we obviously didn't fit into that category. We don't video tape anymore, we talk more, and we don't let things bottle up anymore. But it took years to get to this point in our marriage. We have been marriend 7 years, and our problems starterd 6 months after we got married. He wasn't the man i remembered falling in love with. It takes time, just don't give up on him!

We need more wars to end this world everywhere !! humanity = stupidty
What we gained after that ? Chips or salad ?

i'm not really sure what your point is lol

I am a veteran who got PTSD from my time in Iraq. I can't hold a job down to save my life. I've had years of therapy, but when I get to stressed I pull away from everyone that cares about. When I get to stressed I can become violent quickly. I don't know what your boyfriends symptoms are, but if his are anything like mine then this isolation means that he's having a hard time dealing with the world and needs time to let his mind get back into a better place. If he isn't going to Veteran Affairs yet then you should help him make an appointment, they helped me greatly. It will take a lot of time and patients on your part, but remember even though it may seem like he doesn't love, he really does. I was not as lucky as your man is. I fell in love after I got back and my PTSD was in "full swing" so to speak, she know how I was and that my life was never going to be normal. I was saving up for an engagement ring when she dumped me, we had been together for almost 18 months. The reason she dumped was because I would not be able to provide for us if we got married, because my PTSD prevents me from holding down a job. So I know dealing with his PTSD isn't easy and it will cause a few problems, but if he loves you when he's not isolating himself then he loves you when he does too.

It can just be hard. My friends like to say that i am blaming all of our issues on it, but honestly they are the only ones that we have. He'll stop talking to me, but i pass his home on my way to and from work everyday, so i know he's just there... alone. I know I am probably "making excuses" and have been for a year now... but the good times are so good that I can't walk away when they get bad... i just wonder alot if I am stupid...

Honey, your not being stupid. You know he isn't cheating on you, right, so just let him have his alone time. It's okay for you to check on him, but remember that he needs that time alone as much as he needs you. Those of us with PTSD have a hard time just surviving everyday life, I can barely run my own. As long as he isn't doing anything to hurt himself or anyone else I don't think you should worry. I personally wish I had a girlfriend like you, but with PTSD it's hard to have a fuctional relationship with my friends and family, let alone a woman.

I don't know.
I have huge respect for people trying to love someone with a mental disorder that truly influences daily functioning (kudos to you), and at the same time I don't understand it. Yet I am glad there are people like you (and my partner) who keep trying.
I don't suffer from PTSD, but I have my own share of unpleasantly influential issues that would make me a less than desirable party, and I still have found someone I truly love.
Yes, you make up excuses, but you love him, and I hope for him that he knows how damn lucky he is to have found someone willing to take his ****.

lol, i really think that he does.
It is hard though... Sometimes i feel as if he doesn't have feelings at all because he distances himself so much, but I just keep telling myself that they have to be in there somewhere...
Thank you so much for your kind words though.