Married And Alone 26 Years

I have exactly the same situation, I have been married for almost 26 lonely years.  I got married too young at 18 I dont think I can take this anymore either.  He puts everyone ahead of me I am just a door mat.  I dont know what to do.

unhappywife22 unhappywife22
41-45, F
3 Responses Dec 12, 2009

Wow! I thought I was the only person going through these kind of feelings and martial experiences. I have been married just a few months shy of 30 years. And to say the least my marriage has been just a co habiting relationship. We are friendly to each other and care very deeply about each other at least I know I love my husband and he swore he loved me about 13 years ago but has not said it again since. About 15 years ago he lost his job and I'm sure getting laid off played a huge part in his depression and ego. I did everything I knew to do to let him know it would be ok we would make it. And I slowly watched him change from the fun loving man I married to someone I never believed him to ever become. He live in his own little world rarely moved from his chair for about 6 months and totally wiped myself and our 3 children right out of existance for him. I kept hoping that it would get better it would just take some time. When the depression started affecting our children and their teachers started calling asking about possible issues at home having affects on them at school. I put my foot down. Begged and pleaded for him to seek professional help or I was taking the children and leaving. I love him with all my heart but I love my children more. He could not understand that and I couldn't explain it any plainer than just that. For a short while he piped up and started doing some better and then fell right back into the depression bit again. I once again became a lone parent & wife of a husband that would just as soon sleep his life away than spend it with his family. Now understand I came from a very religious family and extra marital affairs were something you didn't even consider. And I didn't ever give it a thought, but in the throws of seeking someone to talk to that perhaps was having the same issues with their spouse and seeking some kind of understanding and comfort it happened. Yes I had an affair! And it took me 7 years of an affair with one man who was willing to marry me in a heart beat only if I would just divorce my husband, to discover that I had made a Huge mistake one I felt horrible about and it was gut renching for me to realize this . I didn't want to divorce my husband because I still loved him. And the the feelings I had for the man I had the on going affair with were just comfort and companionship and friendship and lust. All the things I wanted more than anything to have with my husband. I wanted that passion and comfort and companionship with my husband not some other man. That was just ex<x>pressions of lust not love. For me the grass wasn't any greener on the other side of the fence because I loved my husband and wanted those feelings with my husband both physical and emotional feelings. I broke off the affair and decided to try and work on my marriage a little harder. My man was worth fighting for. I begged and pleaded for us to seek christian counseling he saw no reason for it, to him our marriage was fine no matter how much I cried and poured my heart out and tried to let him know it wasn't alright I wanted more out of our marriage. But a marriage void of any physical contact no I love you's , no laughter, no sharing dreams, was what we had. about a year after me putting a stop to the affair my husband found out about the affair. Don't ask how but he did a year after the fact. The hurt both of us felt was almost unbearable his feelings of being betrayed. My guilt of betraying him and trying to explain that the affair was not something I had sought out or even planned on. It just happend probably because of my being so alone in the marriage for so long. The affair only gave me what I wanted most in my marriage it wasn't purely sexual because that rarely happened it was the comfort and companionship and tenderness we shared I craved more than anything. This nearly distroyed both of us both emotionally and spiritually and I honestly think it distroyed any love he had for me even though he says it hasn't. He told me he had forgiveness in his heart he knew it probably would not have happend had he been a better husband. I still had issues dealing with the guilt so bad. I was willing to leave and let him find someone he was worthy of and at the time I honestly didn't think that person was me. But his words vebatum were he didn't want me to leave my place was there in the home with him as his wife. Little did I know then that by agreeing to stay that I would live a life of celebacy and lack of any form of affection or loving sentiments for the next 15 years. His explantion to me was he could forgive but I would have to give him time to forget. My question is how long must that be? I have lived my life in the same house with my husband whom I love with all my heart and telling him and try to show him in every way possible with little effect to none in return. I sleep in my bed in my room which I would much rather share with him and he sleeps in his recliner. We kiss each other good bye on our way to work and return home just going through the motion of being roomates. We have very little conversation. It's kept to a minimum and then we go to our own ends of the house. I realized just recently that I am alone and have been alone for a very long time. I may have my husband in the house but I'm still alone. We have very little in common and our converstaions actually bores the other to a point we can't wait for the other to hurry up and finish the story so we can go back to doing what ever task we were doing before they started talking. My problem is I love him and have a great fear of living the rest of my life without him in it even if he's not sharing it with me 100%. I can't decide if it's my moral and religious values that are the issues I'm struggling with or what it is. But i do know I'm tired of being all alone all the time. Why do I feel all alone even when he's present. Why do I feel like I'm just cohabiting and not married to the man I love with all my heart and married to live happily ever after. The kids are grown now and married with their own families. We should be spending these last years of our lives and cherishing the days with each other. Someone once told me a couple will rediscover their relationship after the kids all leave home. That the passion will be reignited once again. I'm still waiting and have been waiting for the last 6 years for that to happen. It's been almost 7 years now since our last child left the nest and I'm still alone. Problem is he seems content with it being this way. I'm not! And it's made me into a very bitter and resentful person whom I'm not proud of anymore. But yet I refuse to believe that this is i,t this is what it's going to be for us till we die. I want to have hope but my hope is running thin.

How does he put everyone before you? I only ask this because when I married my wife I wanted to share my life with here which includes all my friends. But not long after we go married she seemed to want to isolate me from others as much as possible.<br />
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Not saying that this is the case with you BUT is he keeping you away from his other personal interactions or is he trying to make you apart of them?

You should find the strength to move on. Get counseling.<br />
http://www.bukisa.com/articles/77771_should-you-stay-in-a-loveless-marriage