Can A Marriage Live Without Love?

I have been married for ten years to a man that I don't think I love. I feel so trapped and unhappy. He travels all the time and I am left alone to raise our son, care for our house, and am suppose to be supportive. Even when he is home, I get the feeling he is just waiting around for the next business trip to begin. I am in the prime of my life and I feel there is more to my life than what I have now. I want companionship and romance and all that stuff girls dream of when their young and naive. When there is time for romance, I can't seem to respond to him. I have tried to explain to him how I feel about the loneliness and lack of sexual attraction. He says that he will try harder to make things better, but I don't know if it can get better for us. Is it me? Am I the problem in this relationship? How do I know if being in a marriage is the best thing for both of us. Maybe I would be doing us a favor by walking away. He might meet someone that would be willing to spend their time alone and would not mind the business trips. Maybe I would meet someone..I need some advice. Please help!

MoodyCat MoodyCat
36-40, F
12 Responses Apr 25, 2010

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i am 30 and my wife is 24 now and we have been married for 2 years and we have a 9 months old son.we live in a country where sex before marriage is totally not accepted.

we met 4.5 years ago and started any other couples we flirted,we kissed and even some physical action.three months later while hiking in the woods we got physical and i accidentally made her lose her virginity with my finger.we never planned this to happen.i was totally scared and didn’t know what to do.she was like “its OK don’t worry don’t let this affect our relation even if things don’t work out don’t let it affect your decision if you are not happy with me” she said this every time i tried to talk to her about what happened and what she wants me to do.

after that everything was great and we got engaged for a year before marriage.since we got married we had ups and downs like any other married couple and she always says that i don’t talk much when i come home from work and don’t take care of her so much.and yes i am not a talkative person and over simplify things and maybe take her for granted.

two weeks ago she came to me crying and told me that she was not happy anymore because she tried to fix things so many times and every time she talks to me i get better and things get great for 2 months and then i get back to the way i was before.

she said she pretended to be so strong all the time even when she lost her virginity and she said she only married me for that reason because she was young and afraid if her parents found out and didn't know what else to do.and she never told me that before because she didn't want to hurt me but she couldn't anymore.

since we met she always told me that she doesn’t believe in love and she believes in actions and happiness.things were great and she was so happy to be with me and i treated her right and she even said that in a certain period i made her love me because of the way i treated her and now she doesn’t want to give affection and doesn’t want affection in return anymore.she will keep taking care of the house and me and cook for me and take care of our son and everything else just like before but of course no sexual or emotional life and our son will be her only interest and she wants me not to ask for anything more than that.and she is still my wife only because it was a decision she took.

i am so deeply in love with her and would do anything to fix our marriage but she said that i cant fix anything anymore.and she doesn’t want me to fix anything because i will get back to the same way we are now and she will get hurt she stopped talking to me the way we did before unless it was something about our son and she says that she doesn't want me to get her involved in anything concerning my own life.

please help me with some advice what should i do?

dear friend, maybe what she's expecting is for you to show attention to her. if she really wanted to separate from you ,she wouldnt have explained all this.every time she tries and for a while it was good but then you go back to the same way maybe thats what hurts the most.because she is the one making the effort .often times we want to hurt the person most who hurt us.dont force her for sex .why dont you take her out for dinner and talk to her like when you were dating .she's the same person who choose you then and she is the same person now.irrespective of the circumstances she choose you ,now why dont you show her that she made the right choice. remember little romance and heart felt conversation never goes to waste.tell her you love her and what you feel.hopefully things would turn for better.all the best.

I have been married for 11yrs, 6yrs of which I have fallen out of love. Spent most of the time making excuses for my loveless marriage. Recently told him we should separate as our marriage was only hurting us. He is an willing to accept that and appears to be willing to carry on pretending we are in love. No intimacy for the last 2yrs. I have frozen up on him.

I totally understand what you are going through. I have been married for 10 years. About two years ago my husband and I had a fight about my daughter. He accused me of always stepping in when he was disciplining her. Mind you he was using foul language, which I thought was inappropriate for a young girl to hear, so I asked him to stop. Anyway, he said that he was emotionally checked out of our relationship, but he will be there to continue to provide and be a father to our children. I really thought that he was just mad and it would change. It's been two years and we haven't even held hands or said I love you to one another. I tried getting close to him several times and he said to not bother. I finally told him how unhappy I was and that I was hoping that we could get back to where we were before that all happened, or at least start fresh. Nothing. Now I have to figure out what my next step is going to be. It's hard getting up the courage to say the marriage is over, because I know how much of a change is going to happen for me and my children.

Leave. Get a divorce. Kids are happier when live with happier parents than live with unhappy and depressed parents.

I think u should try to stay together for the kid atleast until he is old enough to then maybe u nd your husband might be happier but if not then u should meet sombody no and have no hard feelings for ur husband.i also think u should do ur little reaearch on what he really does on those trips trust is important but u kno just incase..

The only thing you can be is honest -with him and yourself. My husband was a ‘road warrior’ for 8 years, I only knew him for 3 of them and we were only together for 1, and it was very tough. However, HE made the decision to come off the road – he wanted to be at home. He still misses some of the experience of traveling that much, but only a bit.<br />
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If you have been open with him and told him exactly what you are missing – say the words ‘intimacy’ companionship’ ‘belonging’ not just ‘I want you home’ you have to remember men aren’t good at abstracts – and he’s said he’ll try but has yet to, well that might be an indication. <br />
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Try something yourself if you can; dinner out, dancing, a mix of what you both want to do - NOT a movie or show, you will go out but not interact. That might draw him out and engage him again. If it doesn’t, then you have something concrete to start with.<br />
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I wish for the best for you.

I'm going to assume you live in Western culture and you chose to get married to this person (not an arranged marriage or suchlike), and in that case I would say: in general, no, a marriage can't survive without love. There are certain people for whom love isn't really a big factor, but given your comments, you are not one of them. <br />
That said.. were you ever in love? Have you ever loved each other? If so, I think there is hope. You could get couples' counseling. If there was once love there is a chance you can rekindle it. I would probably start by having a serious discussion with your husband. Something like this probably started small and just got bigger and bigger, and you didn't want to say anything because you didn't want to be a drag (or something like that), and now it is a big deal. Basically, communications need to be improved. <br />
I hope I am not writing/assuming too much.

I think your last words are right: you might be doing both of you a favor if you walk away. Some of us are just not cut out for that kind of life, My hat goes off to for example military wives -and husbands- that are left alone for months at a time. I'm not cut out for that either, but some people are, like you say, maybe if you walk away he will find someone that can be happy with that situation and you can open the door to your own opportunities, lots of them. If you doubt your own feelings for him maybe your right, maybe you loved him but were never 'in love' with him. And to answer your question 'Can A Marriage Live Without Love?' my answer is NO. <br />
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My ex best friend married a guy she loved but wasn't 'in love' with. Soon the marriage started to fall apart, the communication, romance and sex stopped, but they stayed together for the sake of their disabled child, but loneliness and unhappiness kicked in and both cheated, lied, fought and then ignored each other for years. On their 18th year my 'best friend' started having an affair with my ex and she left her husband, divorced and now lives with him and they had a child. Thats why she's my EX BEST FRIEND. The point is, I told her many times to end it and give herself a chance to find real love because she was still very young but she thought she could keep living like that for her kids sake, for financial reasons and because she thought that to a point it was normal, that all marriages ended up like that, loosing interest and falling out of love... boy was she wrong.

why don't you try doing some sport or something for yourself that will help.

hey I felt that way too, a lot actually, but if you want to be married for say 20 years you gotta see out some dark and stormy times together. Don't worry, I have major sickness and my hubby goes through it with me.<br />
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I learnt that if they love us and stay with us, we gotta givem the same back, simple as that.

no way, can't do it. you must love hubby or wife, won't survive I am afraid.