The Love Of My Life Was Not My Wife, But I Love Her Dearly Too...

I fell in love very quickly with my wife when we worked together for a large organisation some years ago...quite a lot of years actually. She was 19 years old and I had never thought to ask her age until the day we announced our intention to marry...I was 24.

During my late teens and early 20`s I certainly had better lovers, and one huge broken heart; crushed at the loss of the love of my life, indeed my first real love, I never thought that I would meet someone I wanted to marry; but meet her I did.

You will have met prettier women I`m sure, but a kinder, more loyal and devoted wife and mother would be hard to find. If you are sceptical about love at first sight, then let me assure you that it can happen; it did happen to me. I have been proud to hear other people say what a lovely person my wife is, and there have been plenty who have said that over the years; I have also been told on occasions that she deserved better than me; well, I can`t deny that I have cheated on her...she never found out but I think she did have her suspicions on one occasion. Sex is the demon that the devil put aside for me, there is no doubt about that. It has robbed me of reason on a number of occasions; the opportunity to get into the knickers of other women is something that I was never able to pass up, more so in the early years of our marriage.

You are probably reading this and thinking what a bastard I am...I would not deny the charge, but I will say that I am not proud of myself. At times, when I had arrived home or at a pre-arranged pick up point to meet my wife, fresh from another womans bed or a quick session in the back of the car, I could hardly look her in the eye, and I hated myself for being so weak and so lustful. I could have blamed my wife for not being enthusiastic enough in the bedroom department, but some of the women I had sex with were nothing special either, so I can`t shift blame that way. My wife loved me as well and as often as she could; she still gives me all that she is comfortable with doing in bed (which is not a lot to be truthful, but I still love doing it with her), and more than that, she has given me a wonderful life and a wonderful daughter.

I have not cheated for many years now, the desire to sleep around still burns and i have had opportunities, however I find that I have better self control; I only wish that I was as good a husband as my wife believes me to be.

If I were to give you any advice at all my friends, it would be to seriously consider the hurt and pain that an unfaithful spouse can cause; there is no going back, so honour your partner, give them ALL of your love and keep out of other womens knickers! I wish I had been able to follow that advice.

EPILOGUE: 29 April 2013.

Now its payback time for me; my wife has gone cold, without passion or even need of me, in the sexual sense that is. She has simply lost her `mojo`; does`nt need sex in our marriage and clearly wishes that I did`nt need it either.
Oh, I`m still allowed to get between her legs, she has a sense of duty I`ll give her that; but I know that she endures having sex with me...and I endure having sex with her on these terms because I do not want to appear to be ungrateful...yes, its come to that. She is my best friend, no doubt of that, but no longer my lover...I want her back, I want her to `want` me in her bed.  Am I Being Punished? Is There A Way Back?

BUT WAIT...THERE`S MORE...!

Since writing the `Epilogue` things have moved on. Thanks to the guidance, patience and wisdom of a good friend, I have been able to assess where I am in our marriage; happiness is a state of mind, and my mind needed a defragmentation programme! a clear out of trash in order to make it function properly. My friend enabled me to see clearly what I had, and importantly, what I needed to be doing to ensure that my wife was happy and felt loved and needed. I had let things slip, never realising that my discontent, that had grown over a period of time was of my own making.

I no longer believe that I`m experiencing a sort of `Payback`...if anything, I was paying myself back, and making my wife unhappy at the same time. Now, I take care to make her feel special; because after all she is special.  I make sure that I cuddle her, brush her with my hand as I pass behind her sometimes, put my arms around her and kiss her neck when she is washing up or making dinner; I`ve changed where I sit on the sofa when watching t.v., so that I can hold her and caress her instead of just sitting next to her.
The result of paying attention to detail has been both welcome and amazing...yet just as my friend predicted it would be; for the first time in a long time my wife initiated love making; she came to me and that felt wonderful. Now, instead of trying to make her `give in` and have sex with me (just to shut me up) she actually wants me in bed again; I`m taking things slowly and being careful to sense when the time is right, letting her make the first moves, and you know, its like discovering her all over again.
Thanks for staying with me on this story...its changing from `payback` to `fresh start`...many thanks my special friend; you know who you are.
SquadronLeader SquadronLeader
66-70, M
10 Responses May 22, 2012

You might try to bring just a little naughty to your sex... It could be as simple as a feather to tickle her inner thighs... A drop of honey to lick off her tummy (dropping it lower and lower over time). You might lay in bed and read erotica to her, (50 shades or the Pearl are good girl ****)...

You might find she's a trapped vixen, needing a little male conspirator!

Things have changed for the better since I wrote this; you raise some good points and you are spot on with naughtiness; she is surprisingly shy but I know that she does read women's erotica; she thinks that I don't know! She does like to watch a spicy movie and I can always tell when she is getting aroused by it. However, I'm never going to turn her into the sexy vixen that I would like her to be; but she does try these days.

Awww... You deprive her of a little role playing?

No! I try to encourage her to play.

It was only because a man tckled the naughty part of me that my sexuality was awakened.

"Surprisingly shy" is not a pleasant experience.... jus' saying'! ;)

Well I've tried everything. ..still hoping to find the key!

3 More Responses

You married a strong woman!
Women are naturally paranoid about this, (guilty party speaking) even when your clean and for you to recognize her "suspicions" means she probably knew about that one case at least and stayed quiet. Something i couldn't do i believe.
I hope you continue your path. It's a hard one y'all are walking even with her in the dark. I hope you reach a comfort level to tell her though, i feel you will never let it go till you can.

Thank you for sharing this very interesting post, written from your heart. You tell a tale I often hear from mature men about their wives having gone cold in bed. If I had one remaining mission in life it would be to go to the mature women of the world and shake them up. Marriage is meant to be about lifelong commitment. "Tolerating" your husband in bed is not good enough. Married women are meant to be specialists in being sexy for their men, and that is not on condition that their husbands never stray, or that they always fulfil every need of the wife. Across America I see legions of married women seriously failing. Many men, too. Commitment to great sex makes **** look positively boring. It is what makes marriage different and special. You are not being punished; I suspect this would have happened regardless. My only advice is, don't give up.

Thank you, Perseverer. That is how I have felt at times, `Tolerated`. But yesterday was a clearing the air time, and today I think we are both able to look ahead with some optimism.
There is much to blame myself for, not least of all failing recognise issues that my wife was having.

If you check my story again, I`ve added a little more...and its much better news this time. I checked your posts out by the way; you have had more than your share of troubles in this life...thanks for taking the time to read mine.
SL

wow to the epilogue SL ! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I wrote that feeling hurt and not a little angry; this morning we are both seeing things from each others points of view...understanding each other better was really what was needed.

Great post. Thanks for sharing. Sometimes I wonder if its about payback. I'm coming from this view...for 14 years I was abused in every way by my husband. Then I snapped and stopped him. The past four and a bit years has been trying to patch, mend, fix,renew...whatever you want to call it. I also cheated after that 14 year mark. I was done emotionally. So these days I often wonder, am I given chances and opportunity because I did and still do deal with so much? I do pray and I do believe cheating is wrong but I don't regret the path Ive walked. Without the choices I made, I would be in an extremely bad place. I was so depressed at one point it was awful. Anyway, I made the choice to make myself happy, hanging on a bit longer for kids and for finances. There are no really good excuses, but there always seems to be one. I justify what I do for myself only, temporarily. Of course I want to have a normal relationship with someone but it wont be right now and I feel like getting some kind of attention and affection keeps me going for my kids. So I don't know if you are experiencing this for what you've done or she just simply changed. It happens. Just as you have changed.

I lived for a very long time with someone who had no interest in sex, so I told myself that I could live without it, intimacy, affection. He was a good provider and my best friend and a wonderful father. I didn't want to make waves. So I went along. There was never any unfaithfulness but one day I woke up and decided that I really wanted to experience that part of life, and it wasn't right for one half (of the couple) to just flat out decide that it was over. So we amicably divorced.
My reasoning to this day: life is short.
I want love, and intimacy and affection and friendship and companionship--I want it all, and I will have it one day. I am not a big proponent of divorce--I stuck it out for 21 years, but I don't think it's right to deny another person in that way.
Some relationships wear themselves out. And what is in your past is in your past. I don't believe in "payback." Life just is what it is. And when you don't like what it is you have the right to change it for yourself. That is my justification for walking away anyway. I know a lot of people stay, or cheat. I felt that I would rather be alone but open to the possibilities that being single offered me, as opposed to feeling trapped.
I have no regrets. I'm sorry and I wish you luck. None of it is easy.

Something new I learned about Quintesse. I appreciate that you shared it. It was very thoughtful.

that should say "something new I learned about YOU, Quintesse" Sigh.. they need to let us edit our responses to responses. :p

Bullshit:
Let her catch you watching **** or surfing **** on the internet. that should wake her up. Nothing like the fear of a straying eye to wake up the interest. If she thinks that you might be looking elswere it might be enough for her to realize that she needs to defend her territory. Good luck

Now I find that i`m probably reaping what I sowed back then...my warm and loving wife has been replaced by a cold but friendly person, incapable of giving me the kind of love I need; incapable of `wanting` me in bed...she does her duty, lets me have sex...lies back and thinks of England! But why oh why does she no longer `Desire` me...I suspect that this is payback time for my earlier transgressions.

honour your partner , thats divine!x

Thanks for reading and not judging T.P

What a sad and lovely story. Undoubtedly your wife would be hurt to know. On the flip side however, she would be pleased and grateful to know how deep and genuine your love for her is. Make sure she knows these things, tell her the depth of your emotion for her. It may not purge your soul but it will bring her joy and it sounds as though this woman is very deserving of lots of it. Good luck and keep loving that woman..you sound very fortunate!

I am indeed fortunate Smariem; knowing this, and looking back on my life, increases the feelings of guilt to be honest with you. I try to show my love for her in as many ways as I can; I only wish i could turn back the clock. Writing about some of my experiences on EP is a way of purging my soul I think. In any event I`m not proud of many of the things that I have done or become involved in during my years in the RAF (Often away from home and alone for months on end).