Married But Confused

I am 35 and my husbnad is 29. We have been together for almost 5 years and married for almost 3. We have 2 sons, who will be 4 and 2 in August. 2 months after we met, we moved 500 miles away from home to start a new life together. We have gone thru a LOT of bad times, but have always came out better than when we went in.

This past 6 months has been a really rough stretch for us, and I am hoping, praying that the end is in sight. My husband battles mild depression, and this winter he has REALLY been hit hard by SAD (seasonal affective disorder). He has been withdrawn, moody, totally uninterested in sex, and just generally very hard to be around and difficult to deal with. When he gets like this, he just wants to run away, and will throw the idea of seperating out. I am TOTALLY against it; I do not want to put our boys through the uncertainty of seperation. Husband is at home with them while I work during the day, so they are just as attached to him as they are to me.

I am having a very hard time dealing with his desire to isolate himself from me, even though I know it stems from depression. He keeps telling me it will get better once the ick of winter leaves us. Before when we had issues in our marriage, our sex life still remained good, but right now it is almost non-existent, and I am kind of wary of initiating it for fear of rejection. He says right now he just has no passion or drive. My sex drive though, is in high gear and its driving me crazy. He assures me he loves me, and that I am a great wife, and he is very apologetic for his issues right now.

I have NO desire to divorce, because I love him with all of our heart. I really DO believe that this storm will pass, I just don't know how to weather it without either becoming bitter/angry or depressed myself. Help! 

twilightangel twilightangel
31-35, F
3 Responses Mar 3, 2009

I am going to assume you were aware of his situation before making the marriage commitment, Marriage is a lot of work and it's sad because it shouldn't be, I am also the breadmaker in my home and it's bad when the person who is supposed to be your support and help in all difficulties is somehow another burden,it sounds selfish I know but I believe this site is made to express feelings most people in real life will frown upon.
Now you say you love him, then help him, I am sure there's help he can see, medication he can take at least during winter, do not be afraid to initiate intimacy might be the push he needs, also push him to improve, tell him you understand his situation but tell him you believe he can overcome it, guide him, us women can be pretty darn good leaders.

turn to Jesus, he sets captives free

Hiya twilight,<br />
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Marriage can definitely be a rough road. I am speaking from experience. :) Marriages like other relationships have their ebs and flows, and everyone experiences good times and bad.<br />
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I think the challenge for many people is that we change over the years. In my 7 years of marriage I have practically had to do all my growing up. (We married young) And as we are growing, we grow into people that are different than when we meet each other. That process can be very hard on a relationship.<br />
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Like you, my wife and I have struggled in many different ways, financially, socially, and intimately. And that last one can really be a zinger. I can't tell you how many nights we laid together, and I wished I could touch her, but she wasn't in the mood, or didn't feel like it. It can be very painful.<br />
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We did get to the point where we both realized we needed to do something together to rekindle the passion in our relationship. For us, we found that we needed to spend much more non/business time together. By that I mean, time without the kids, bills, school friends drama etc. And that we both also needed to find things of our own that we enjoy. Combined we have been able to blow away the stifled feelings we had and create a new relationship. <br />
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For us, it was spending time in the evenings listening to music and laughing and playing together(not sexually at first). And to get the ball started, we even used some wine to help us relax and get to know each other again. Since then, we make sure we have some time like this together a couple of nights every week. (And go on real dates once or twice a month) Has it fixed everything? No, I still am very much more sexual than she is. (And sometimes even still think about what it would be like with others) BUT, we DID realize that we were friends, and began to remember that we were friends, and that there were reasons before all the bills, kids etc that brought us together. Sex increased from once a month to once or sometimes twice a week. (Yay!) But we started out by just finding our common interests and starting there.<br />
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I really hope that you two find the common ground to rebuild the intimacy in your relationship. It will take both of you though, so try to find something that you both like to do without the kids, no business, that won't break your bank and start there. :) I am sure things will approve.