I Have been married 21yrs as of Wednesday but did not celebrate, I have worked with my husband in our business for 25 years and I am no longer happy with either does anyone have similar experiences? I am ready to leave but Our son is in his 3rd yr of college and I also have a young foster child that I am caring for. My husband and I don't fight or argue we just coexist and I don't know what to do
unsure0606 unsure0606
46-50, F
11 Responses Aug 24, 2014

So here is the update
Went out of town last week for the first time in 30 years by myself. I ended up running into my high school sweetheart :) we talked only so that has me really confused as neither one of us are happy and would love to be together one day but our timing has always sucked together. I was seriously considering leaving my marriage because I was not happy. Well needless to say I am not very good at hiding things so my husband automatically knew something was up. We talked this weekend and he claims that he hasn't been happy for a very long time either and we have 2 choices, make it work or split and he would support my decision. Wth? He claims he loves me very much and is willing to try but he doesn't know how to communicate with me and he doesn't have anyone else he can talk to. He is a VERY private person. I am now more confused than ever. He does not want me communicating with any past guys I've had relations with. It makes me feel like he is trying to control me and my life.

My passion with my husband returned after it went away. Maybe yours will too?

After what went away? I think my problem is after working with him all day and doing what HE asks to get done for him but when I ask that he does something I need it is either ignored for days or I end up doing it myself so when I get home and he's wanting to know what is for dinner I just want to strangle him

Your's seems like a very reasonable response to me. They next time he does this and asks you what's for dinner, give him the Cast Iron Skillet treatment -- hand him a cast iron skillet and tell him, "I won't know until you cook it and put it on the table."

Easier said than done, first of all he has never cooked in our kitchen and he then just says "fine I don't want you to do anything for me" and gets pissy for the next few days, so it's easier to keep the peace and do as your told

Have you ever heard the saying "No pain, no gain"?

Nothing ever will change until the terms of your relationship have been changed. My comment was partly in jest, but also intended to illustrate this truism. He is very comfortable in the relationship. You say you are not. If the roles were reversed, would you be enthusiastic about changing from what you were comfortable with to something unknown and possibly less to your liking? Human nature suggests that no one would do that unless forced in some way to change.

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When did you last have sex with your husband?

Yesterday morning, packed his suitcase for the week, got up this morning made his coffee and seen him out the door

I think you have to mentally isolate your feelings for him, and him alone - remove work, finances, children and other outliers from the following questions... Do you love him, are you in love with him? When you think or daydream of the future, is he in it?

If there's hesitations or an honest 'no' answer, then you owe it to both you and he, to end things as best you can.

Life is too short to live unfulfilled - and I suspect that you may be caught up in a rut of life and have placed all your energy and emotions into work, family (kids), etc.

If you do still love him - then work to get yourself to a happy place and then work with him to make your feelings known. Then you will hopefully have a path to resolution.

U need try other man for due nights

People often make the mistake of staying together "for the kids." Get out if the marriage is dead and there's no hope or desire to resurrect it.

I understand your fear to the unknown future. But you must decide if you want to live like that forever. At your age there are still chances to get a better life.

You never really say what it is you want. If you could restore the relationship to one of mutual love and caring, would that make you happy? Or, have you already committed yourself to ending the relationship, that it is beyond all hope?

Your feelings do not surprise me. They are feelings that are often shared by many if not most married couples at one time or another. My wife and I have certainly had our difficulties over 43 years of marriage. There are times when I knew I loved her but could not stand to be in the same room with her. I am sure she felt the same at times.

Working closely together only exacerbates this problem because by necessity, business requires a totally different mindset than does a positive personal loving relationship.

By definition, a business relationship needs to be impersonal. By definition, an impersonal relationship will damage and eventually kill a loving personal relationship.

If the primary dysfunction in your marriage is a lack of emotional connection, then you can recapture that connection if you are willing to do the work necessary to make it happen.

On the other hand, if there is abuse, alcoholism or drug abuse involved, then get out as soon as you can.

My personal opinion is that one or the other of you need to leave the business. Separate your personal and professional lives completely and focus all of your attention and energy on making the marriage a success. Seeing a good couples counselor probably will help elicit the feelings and emotion you both have buried deeply so as to make your business a success.

Therein lies the problem twofold, I don't know what I want and we are both so heavily involved in the business. I tried getting out of the business 6 yrs ago but had to go back when our son in law quit, then he started another business which I am part of as well. There is no abuse thankfully.

Only you can know what it is you need and want. You need to make up your mind and act. Nothing you do, including doing nothing, will be easy or painless. It sounds like perhaps you need to talk individually with a counselor to help you recognize what your needs and wants are and the relative importance of them to you.

Working together in a family business can stress the best of marriage relationships... I know from personal experience. If the business isn't something that you both would be willing to sell, what would it take for you to get out of working there? Could you hire someone else?

I did hire someone to help me while he traveled for the other business but now he uses him more for his other business so I am right back where I started. I told him back in 05 that I was done but it only lasted a yr and I had to come back. But he doesn't want me working somewhere else because he is afraid that I will have affairs like his previous wife

Oh... Therein lies another problem... his insecurity. I assume that you all must be making a LOT of $$$ to be staying in this situation. Is your husband frustrated also?

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difficult situation, both sides, work and home, understand that, hugs

You've heard of the 7-year itch. There is also a spike in divorce around 20 years. Talk to him about it and decide if you want to be / are destined to be part of that spike, or if you can renew your engagement with each other - get reconnected and involved on a personal level. Don't worry about physical at first.

My wife and I went through that and decided on an open marriage. We flirt and date, and on a few occasions (with approval from one another) have sex outside the marriage. More often than not we bring that sexual energy back to our own bed, like hunter/gatherers of sexual tension.

Talk to him go to counseling oh or maybe if it's agreed between the both of you a trial separation. Maybe you have just been together to long maybe you guys just need some space to explore yourselves and reevaluate your lives or life together.