I Have a Question For All the Married People Out There...

Wow? So many questions!.....:)
Jake?....marriage is a partnership first and formost....its give and take in EVERY situation! Compromises are fine but,beware! There are consequences if you forget your part of the bargain!..
Couples argue about everything,the best advice I can give? Keep an open mind and most importantly? keep the lines of communications open!That way? You can always go back and pick up where you left off!
Never go to bed angry!..:).....even if it takes allnight! Sort it out!Whatever it is thats worrying you or you are argueing about...
When you have children?....Love them,nurture them but dont let them rule your life with your spouse to the state that you grow apart!You will regret it when the kids leave home and you are faced with a stranger!.....
Whew! ok! I havnt covered everything but,I hope this helps and by the way? These are from my personal expereinces through life with a husband of 35/6 years!....Good luck!

I've been with my husband for 28 years. To be honest, all the "times" have melded together in my memory, kinda the way we have. All our arguements are variations on the same. One of us says something that the other is not willling to hear at that particular moment. So, we cut each other's sentences off, or dispute what's being said, and tempers flair. Things use to get pretty hot! The key to peace is always complete and total acceptance of the "other". Anger subsides when we recognize each other's God given right to have our own minds and let go of the need to possess the others too! How silly is that!

Well said LilAnnie!:)

I'd take her more seriously if she'd wipe that goofy smile off her face.
Jake, I can answer yes to every one of these questions and chances are, most couples could. Conflict resolution is tricky, but it can be successful if both are willing to work at it. I think first couples have to acknowledge that there will be fights, they're normal, it's part of being married and it's how you handle conflict that can make or break a relationship. Fighting fair is is imperative. I could go into a dissertation on that one. Shall I go on? Nah... Carry on, all...

Mark Gungor
Laugh your way ti a better marriage

I have been married for 5 years but we have been together for going on 12 years. We have 1 daughter age 8. We have gone through many trials and yet we are stronger than ever. I feel we have grown up a lot since having a child. We have has arguments about his mom she is an alcoholic. She wants my daughter to spend the night. My daughter has only spent one night there. I am just very uncomfortable letting her stay. So we have argued about that one alot. He pretty much understands but yet it is his mom and he feels sorry for her etc. I guess we are kind of stuck but I am firm about my reasons. Then to answer #3 On the 4th of July this year my hubby wanted to go to his friends for the 4th. I did not because his friends are mostly all not married and they are way immature. So we argued about that and anyway we both spent our 4th seperatly. I was really dissapointed in his descion to not be with us. But in the end he had to make him own choice. He said he had fun but he would have rather been with us. So sometimes there are sacrifies but it all will work out in the end. Anyway marrage is about give and take. Communacation is key. Just let your partner know what is wrong or bothering you. Don't attack them but use " I feel" etc. Anway hope this helps some!

As my marriage of twenty years has gone down the drain, I don't feel like I have any right to participate in these questions. I left my hubby for a man I met here on EP. We're still married (which is why I haven't opted out of the group), but the marriage is for all intents and purposes , dead.

Penny Webb

i don't know if my marriage is so special or seldom, but i feel it is. maybe because it's not how i imagined it all my life until i got into it.
i married my wife after we were in a relation for more than 8 years. so, i can say we knew each other pretty well, right ? :)
in our relation, i am the adored one. with a bit of shame and guild i admit she loves me a lot more than i love her. she did since the first moment we met, i accepted the relation out of fun and ambition (was a bet involved) and then we became best friends, and slowly i got to love her. we are husband and wife and best friends still. i know all her buttons and use them everytime i need/want . i'm spoiled and sometimes childish in this relation but not in excess, just as much as she enjoy it. and she does.
i asked my wife so many times what she found in me to love. there is sex, that kept us together so long, is the friendship, is the fact that i have this crazy ideas all the time and it's always fun to be around me, it's my aversion against alcohol, the fact that i always try to stay out of troubles. i know i don't deserve her and i know i am not grateful enough to have her, not even close. and i know she'll be devastated if she lose me. strange, huh? but it works just well for both of us.
can't tell you about problems between us, cause the only problem we have is that we spend more than we earn :)
and we have dreams to spend some more. if we had the right amount of money, we wouldn't have reasons to complain anymore. except the small things like ... i somehow suffer cause of the monogamy thing.
i had a very active sexual life before her, and even with her, but i still feel it's not enough, i don't want to regret later that i didn't do things when i could.
okay, maybe i will come back at some other time to complete the "confession", right now i am not i a good mood for writing, i just had dinner and need my siesta, ehehe.
cheers

1. We argue a lot about how to split time between his family and mine. His family is kind of difficult, something he acknowledges, and there’s always some tension in the air when we meet. Finally we agreed that we, him and I, are our own family, our feelings and happiness will come first. I learned to be more flexible and now we actually joke about spending time with his family and after the fact we can actually joke about all the horrible things that happened during the family reunion.

2. I think we go through this process every single week. From small things like what to eat for dinner to bigger things like home improvements or things that will have a long term effect in our relationship. Sometimes I do settle for less, but all considering the consequences of the decision. I can’t settle for something that ultimately could make me (or him) unhappy.

3. One thing that we’ve been discussing lately is expanding our family. As of now it consist of the two of us, our two cats and our dog. We are talking about having a baby in the next 2 or 3 years but I want to adopt and he doesn’t (or didn’t). This has been a dream of mine since I was a kid, I remember watching “el chavo del 8” (a Spanish show centered around the life of an orphan kid growing up in a Mexican neighborhood) and telling my mom I wanted to help the orphan kid. More than that I suffer from MDD and I’m extremely worried about post-partum depression. My husband is an MLSW and has been working with homeless and abused kids for over 7 years. He knows first hand what it might take to adopt a kid, the many possible scenarios and the emotional toll of taking care of a kid with emotional problems as a result of abuse. After a few long conversations we agreed on looking for information and doing some research about adoption while at the same time talk with my doctor and get information about the risks of post-partum depression for someone with MDD. At this point I think we reach a middle ground.

4. For him- spoiling the end of movie or a game he hasn’t watch. For me- getting the floor dirty.

5. Pillow talk always works.

6. Doing the laundry, I ran out of underwear before him so I ended up giving up.

7. During an argument I said I didn’t love him, I am still regretting that.

Together 40 years. It is literally impossible to dissect our lives together to answer all of your questions. Your interest seems to have a central theme revolving around conflict resolution, the causes and means of resolution.

I read a book when I was in college about 30 years ago. It is called "The Intimate Enemy, How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage." I offer it as recommended reading for everyone who wants to grow with another person.

The book establishes the premise that intimacy must be learned and cannot become fully developed without conflict. It then goes on to instruct the reader in the artful resolution of conflict in one of life's closest and most vulnerable relationships.

What I had to learn to be better at working things out is to shut my mouth and listen. I tend to do all the talking and she is just as happy to not be obliged to reveal herself and let me go on and on. We were given an exercise by a therapist during a particularly precarious time that I finally internalized into a better habit.

We had a timer. It was set for five minutes. We would take turns talking for the five minutes. The listener could not interrupt...can't tell you how hard that was at first. I found that when I really listened, I discovered that she is far more intelligent, complex, and profound than I could have ever hoped. She learned that, she can't sit in silence for more than two minutes when there is an elephant in the room.

Yea! and have a sense of humor! Thanks AmericanAngel.