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I Have a Question For All the Married People Out There...

 

I want to know how to better understand marriage and how to improve it. I would love to hear your first-person examples of situations in which you have either succeeded or failed to effect cooperation with your partner.

 

Maybe you've figured out some good techniques you can share, or maybe you're still searching for solutions. Here are some examples of what she means: 

 

1. Can you think of any topics that you and your partner repeatedly argue about? If so, have you found a way to stop going around in circles or are you stuck?

 

2. Can you think of a time when you have settled for less from your partner? Not in a bad way, but in the sense of compromise. For example, you wanted him/her to see it your way or do it your way and you figured out a middle way where you could live with less than your ideal and still be happy? Can you think of a time when you haven't been able to settle for less and what happened as a result?

 

3. Can you think of a time when one of you wanted to do one thing and the other wanted to do something else? How did you resolve it or did you not? Could be big things (where you live) or small things (what to do on a Saturday night).

 

4. Can you think of any of your spouse's buttons that you push even though you know they're buttons? Does he/she do the same to you? Why do one or the other of you use that tactic or why don't you?

 

5. Have you figured out ways to respond to your spouse that work better than others?

 

6. Can you think of a time when you or your spouse has waged a war of attrition? In other words, something needed to get done, neither of you wanted to do it, so you both waited, hoping the other would finally do it? How'd it work out?

 

7. Can you think of a time when you said something to your spouse, either in the heat of the moment, or just without thinking, and then regretted it?

 

I look forward to your comments.  Please feel free to tackle anyone of the above from #1 to #7 or add your own thoughts to this thread.

 

Cheers!

EPJake

 

EPjake EPjake 26-30, M 100 Responses Aug 13, 2009

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Considering that I'm currently saving for my great escape I am glad to have found this.
My husband and I are complete opposites. When a row occurs we are like a match to dynamite. He deliberately goes out of his way to say/do things to hurt me and it's usually "out of anger" whereas, I won't say anything hurtful unless I mean it. After speaking to others in similar circumstances I have become aware of how blind I have been and that I am in a somewhat toxic and abusive relationship. My failure and faults in this marriage are firstly, I am too forgiving for what ever reason (tothe point I am a doormat) secondly, I have been weak and haven't voiced or taken action sooner which has lead me to this predicament. This wasn't what I expected/wanted or dreamt.. but my fear of being a statistic is melting. I would rather be divorced that live in this house I can't call home.

Most your questions can be answered through my divorce. She only ever cared about money. And ended up stealing our life savings, and just leaving a note saying she is gone. Especially question number 5. The legal matter was the only response that got any action. But it took 2 years the get any type of communication, or settlement. And after 2 years it still going on.

Still searching! I think the part to remember is that your a partnership. the feelings and desires of the partnership are whats important. this means compromise, compromise, and more compromise. Marriage is a give and take proposition. My wife takes, and takes without much thought of giving. Her idea of compromise is doing the laundry! Sheesh.

We used to argue all of the time because I was controlling. I've learnt to let my husband lead and I follow. Our marriage is so much better now.

Peace be with you.

that is right

We have been married for 24 yrs, and by no means, a marriage isn't perfect. The one main arguement, money. Best advice I can give, compromise, and communication. They always say, never go to bed angry with each other, yea right.You will, sleep on it, and usually, most of the time, be patient, and situation will work itself out. Remember, love goes far.

My grandmother told me once, never go to bed angry with each other. I tried. but got little sleep. My wife usually sleeps on the problem, then awakes angry! I run!
You can only rehash the same problem so many times. Once a mistake is made, it should be addressed, but for god's sake move on! You can't change the past!

You've really taken 2 important steps : recognizing what bothers you and thinking this out to come up with questions. It would be easy to say you needs counselor but it would be great if you and your wife could discuss these things. <br />
#1 changed all the time for me<br />
#2 all the time, you are living with this person someone has to give . Just make sure it's not the same person each time. Don't just give in to make it easier. But also don't stand your ground just to win the fight , only if it's important enough <br />
#3 I was the passive one so I did what he said<br />
#4 no I can't imagine ever doing this. I spent my marriage avoiding land mines<br />
#5 nope... I'm divorced <br />
#6 no.. I was too much of a clean freak to sweat this one out. Ok ,maybe. I hated making his appointments so i would wait for him to demand that I make it. Even then he'd complain and have me change them. Very frustrating <br />
#7 my divorce lawyer said something really important "words are like daggers "<br />
Yes they are and sometimes I would have rather taken a stabbing than to hear another mean thing come from his mouth. <br />
<br />
But what do I know? I am divorced . I just came here to look at your cute dog!

I try to forgive my husband for anything that he has done to hurt me or make me upset, because we are all human and we make mistakes. I give him a clean slate everyday...or at least try to. I don't try to change him....if I wanted to change him I should have married someone else. I try not to rely on him for my happiness...we are all responsible for our own happiness. Sometimes I put myself in the position of a girlfriend...because a girlfriend doesn't get upset about trash not be taken out, in law drama, or errands etc. She just goes with the flow and has fun! lol. We make mountains out of molehills as women. We look way to deep into things. Hope this helps.

I think You need to see a Councillor for all your Marriage problems instead of putting on these forums, as You Mr E.Pjake, will will only get a lot of strange arguements and nasty comments from unqualified "****-heads" Theses sort of matters are only between you and your partner, OK, so, if your 'REAL" and I have no reason to believe that your not, please take my advice, I am a real person that lives in New Zealand and a Male as well, in my late 60's and have been married for over 40yrs,thats all I'm going to say about myself....SO Mr E.Pjake take things easy, and look after yourself and, AGAIN, please follow my ADVICE,for what its worth.ok.....

In my personal experience, I' ve been married for two years, so is not much but damn it was hard at the beginning all you wrote happened to us! there was even a time that i though we fight so much that i felt i almost hated him and I'm pretty sure he felt the same way. for every fight i always reminded myself of the "Never go to bed angry at each other" so i used to go far away from him or send him to the other room specially if he did something, so all that was really i guess not compromising each other, not communication, and just being selfish and proud. which in a good marriage proud does not exist but forgiveness, so one day on facebook i was pissed off at my husband for something he did or told me, and i saw this picture from a christian site that said "choose just to look the good on your husband" Man!! i dont know what happened but, I star thinking on all he does for me, and how my life would be if our marriage ends, and i stop fighting and if he was starting a fight, i decided to be the one who will not insult and just heard, turns out that when you do that eventually they will apologize and treat you better, respect you more. as more i look the good in him, he sees the good in me, so we start loving, caring and respecting more, and when we do argue now about a place to go or something big, we try to think in the other one needs more than yours. so definitely make the marriage in such a good armony. I was so proud, proud and marriage will never work cause you are supposed to be one!

We have been married for 35 years and the best thing I can say is, it's all about how you deal with not getting what you want. Give as much as you get and don't sweat the little stuff. <br />
Just my 2 cents.

Marriage is wayyyy overrated....it is wayy too much work. Unless its something you really want, don't do it

Lol. Of course!

I've been married for 43 years and have no clue as to how to answer most of your questions because the idea of button pushing, and waiting for my wife to do something that needed to be done that I could do, but was too lazy to do, and so froth are things we don't do. We do have issues about money because I tend to spend more than she does. I practiced law for 23 years and found that people who have issues in their marriage built around the perimeters of your questions usually just failed as marriages.

Ok I have one my Grand Mother told me. I really never did this and I regret it.<br />
She said "Never go to bed angry at each other" This means if it takes two days...don sleep on the anger, settle it, resovle it..makes up. then hold each other tight through the night.<br />
<br />
The other issue is arguments...we all have them and always will. Just don't make it personal. Don't be so proud you can't back down. Compromise will do you both good. ( 33 yrs)

1. be best friends like communicate about anything and everything without secrets.<br />
2. Never say anything mean while you are mad at each other because you can't take it back.<br />
3. Compromise. There are always solutions in any situations.<br />
4. be honest about your feelings. <br />
5. walk away from an argument, come back when both are calm.<br />
<br />
I don't like to argue with a person because it is pointless. Especially if that person has a controlling personality.

Strange but it works for us. My wife and I decided to enjoy the 90% of each other that we really admire and love. The 10% we dislike about each other we throw away, it is forgiven.

My wife and I get along fabulously. Our marriage is not perfect because life is not perfect and we are not perfect. We have had our moments when we havent seen eye to eye and even butted heads a bit, but we have never had a severe argument in our history together. Why? I dont really know. The only answer I gan give is respect for each other, trust in each other, faith in each other. We have quite abit in common, we have an understanding of each other, and we dont have unrealistic expectations of each other. We are very much in love with each other, but we are also the best of friends too. We have always known we have something special, different, and perhaps even rare and unique. We have just naturally fit together, the "lots of hard work" said about marriage and relationships has just never really been a reality for us. We are each other's source of courage, strength, and comfort. How is this possible? Again, I dont know....but I m just being thankful for it and enjoying it, not questioning it. The best way I can describe it is that we were just meant to be together. We were made for each other. Are there things I dont like or get frustrated about? Of course....but the things that are good and right greatly outweigh the things that arent.

Hi! I would like to add some input, please. I have been married 2 times- both have been "YING-YANG" My first, I was being driven to the place to marry my first husband (He was Jewish, and I am Christian) and I told my sister who was driving me to go somewhere else- because I started to have second thoughts about it. I really should have driven somewhere else. The marriage was a disaster. One year after we married, I lay on my bed and cried my eyes out because I knew it wasn't going to last. 7 years later, we started divorce proceedings- and on January 27, 1999, 10 years after crying my eyes out, we were divorced. Marriage #2- I met him 1 year after my dad died- he lived across the street from me. I did a lot of drugs back then (with my first, too) and he came to my door and asked me to get him some. Anyway, he asked me to marry him 1 month later, and I said yes. It took me 26 years to finally get off my addiction to cocaine, and he helped me do it. #1- do NOT get married if you have an addiction. #2 It is really good if you sleep in separate bedrooms (Especially if one is snoring, messy, steals the covers, ect) you will wake up the next morning with a SMILE on your face, and then, go in and give your sweetie a BIG kiss. Also, if you DO get into a fight, you'll suddenly want attention, and you'll get over it quicker if you sulk IN YOUR OWN ROOM. Then, go in and give your sweetie a BIG kiss and make up. You also won't have to tell you sweetie to go sleep on the couch. Just tell him or her, "GO TO YOUR ROOM" and that's it! After 2 marriages, spanning over 23 years, Im proud to say I've finally got it figured out. I hope this helps!!

Jake, I've been married for 9 years and it's still good. He works too much and I accept that he needs to do this for himself. It's to further HIS goals but he's a better mate if he feels he's accomplishing his goals, so I accept it. Marriage is always about give and take. I feel I compromise as much as he does but we do it to maintain harmony. Sometimes we set up a sort of game where he gets the compromise one time and I get the next one. It can take sticky situations and make them almost fun!<br />
<br />
In my marriage we try to approach each other with calm kindness. If we're miffed at one another we allow ourselves time to cool off before we try to talk it out. But it's very important that issues, even the small ones get "talked out" if you don't they grow and fester into bigger issues down the road. I try not to be a bitchy nag and he tries not to be an arrogant ,pushy *******. We both fail sometimes but then we work to find the humor in our flaws and we BOTH accept the fact that we BOTH have them. Trying to avoid a "one-sided" perspective is vital.<br />
<br />
I don't play "victim" and he doesn't play "misunderstood" Those are two good cards to stay away from unless they are a fact.<br />
<br />
Really listen to each other too. So many divorces come about because folks only want to recognize their side in a dispute. Know and own your side but take the time to listen to the partner too. Beyond all this HAVE FUN with each other. Life is about way more than fighting and complaining. Some people get addicted to their problems and create them even when they don't really exist just to have a fresh supply of something to whine and ***** about. <br />
<br />
Be best friends as well as lovers and mates. Practice being each others playmate too!! It's unhealthy to be TOO adult-like for long stretches of time. <br />
<br />
Talk-Talk-Listen and PLAY.......TTLP!

The one subject we argue over on a regular basis is our children. When you have children, married or not, they bring a whole new dinamic to your relationship. As a father I love my boys hugely, but I am of the opinion/beleif that my job is to bring them up to survive in this world once they leave me (whenever that may be) and so I focus on teaching them skills and techniques, like playing football, riding bikes, DIY, interacting with people and dealing with conflict. My wife on the other hand is totally emotionally immersed in them. Which is hardly surprising as she gave birth to them! She wants to protect them from harm and cannot immagine the day when they fly the nest.. <br />
With these two (sometimes) opposing views we are going to differ and row.<br />
When the boys are on school holidays, my wife likes to be with them every waking moment (a great thing) but I want some "us" time. So I start asking for the boys to go to bed at 11pm and my wife will argue that they stay with us until 2am... This is a simple example and there are a lot more dinamics going on in reality, but the root "desire" is causing a conflict.

There is a secret to having a happy marriage. I have learned that before anything, you have to be good lover. We place our own needs on the back burner because we wrongfully thing that by doing so we can be better parents. This is what we did and it was the beginning of what could have destroyed it all. Most people dont understand how being sexually fulfilled makes you a better parent... but it does. The reason it does is because if you don't, eventually you will end up as a single parent. <br />
<br />
Not long ago that is exactly the cross roads my wife and I found ourselves at. The spark between us had all but gone. We had become more room mates than lovers, Our sex life had become so routine that it sometimes felt like a chore. We really had to do some soul searching and have honest conversation about what we wanted. We decided that we would make a serious effort to rekindle the spark we once had and that we would search for ways that can make our sex life satisfying. <br />
<br />
We began expirimenting with differant ways to inhance our play time. We made a point of keeping an open mind and exploring different ways that enable us to discover what really turns us on. We played with the concept of power and control and discovered that there are aspects of ourselves we did not know were there, but none the less can offer an experience that opens up a whole new area that we are now finding very satisfying. Now we have a whole new way to enjoy our sex life and see ways of always making it better. This is exciting and has brought my wife and I closer together than we had ever been. Who would have thought that the secret to saving our family would be adding an element to our sex life that offers a way that lets us step away from being daddy and mommy, and has given us freedom to allow ourselves to experience parts of ourselves that had always been hidden. We opened the door to real honesty with ourselves and eachother. We fostered a trust and intimacy that allowed us to explore all of the secret desires everyone has but most are affraid to admit. Often these urges do not fit with the person we are in everyday life so they are instinctually surpessed. We have discovered that if it is ok to set a time where we free ourselves from our lifes and because we feel safe in an enviroment of trust and acceptance we can explore parts of ourselves is only for our partners to see.<br />
<br />
I am sure that if everyone in a marrage remembers to put their own needs as someting just as important as everything else, there will be less divorce and people that are happier and deeply fulfilled. If you become the lover your partner needs, and she becomes the lover you crave, everything else in life becomes better. A person who experiences real personal fulfillment will be a better person, a better parent, worker, or anything else. <br />
<br />
It is a shame that so often we view self endulgence as something to be shuned, and we see the exploration of sex and sexuality as something that is just for deviants. It is this attitude that holds us back by placing judgements and limitations on the very thing that has the ability to foster an intimacy and happiness that allows us to enjoy a quality of life that an unfullfilled person can never understand,

My wife and I have occasionally had a "war of attrition" as to who is going to get up to our crying baby in the middle of the night. I can now successfully sleep though both my alarm and her kicking me! :)<br />
<br />
I've since had to change alarms so I can get to work on time.

Most disputes in a relationship center on the question of power, on decision making.<br />
<br />
My lovely wife (AKA, "My reason for living") and I (AKA "Her first husband") have divided all decision making authority right down the middle.<br />
<br />
And that is why we never fight.<br />
<br />
Accordingly, I make all the big decisions, she makes all the small decisions.<br />
<br />
You may be wondering what small decisions I allow the little woman to make?<br />
<br />
You know... the small decisions. Whether we get married or divorced, whether we have kids (and how many?), whether we rent or buy, Maine or California, work or grad school, etc.<br />
<br />
I, on the other hand, make all the big decisions. Such as:<br />
<br />
What is the class character of the PLO (Hamas, Palesyinian Authority, Hezbollah, etc.).<br />
<br />
Is there, or is there not, a god?<br />
<br />
Who, exactly, benefited from Nazism?<br />
<br />
So, there you have it. Divide decision making authority right down the middle and you will experience clear relationship sailing.

OMG LOL so funny.

Marriage is hard work, i have been married for four years but been with him for five years. I am still learning on how to involve my husband in a lot of things. My first marrigae i was married for ten years and was in the military so i was the bread maker. And i pretty much did everything from paying the bills to taking care of the kids. My ex did nothing but wanted to hang out with other people and try to be the big baller that he was not. Now with the marriage it is different. My husband now is who i was in my first marriage and it is hard for me to step down and let him take charge. So we argue about how i pay the bills to how i raise my kids from my first marriage. he likes to be in control of everything and that was the way his dad was, but me i do not like to be control or told what or how to do things. But i am learning it is hard but i guess some point you have to compromise.

I want to know how to better understand marriage and how to improve it. I would love to hear your first-person examples of situations in which you have either succeeded or failed to effect cooperation with your partner.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Maybe you've figured out some good techniques you can share, or maybe you're still searching for solutions. Here are some examples of what she means: <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
1. Can you think of any topics that you and your partner repeatedly argue about? If so, have you found a way to stop going around in circles or are you stuck?<br />
<br />
Money ... and the kids.. It seems to be a universal issue that really has no solution.. If I could give any advise to couples planning to get married , I would say make sure they were compatible in this regard.We have sorta came to a truce but to have a complete problem solved , no we haven't<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
2. Can you think of a time when you have settled for less from your partner? Not in a bad way, but in the sense of compromise. For example, you wanted him/her to see it your way or do it your way and you figured out a middle way where you could live with less than your ideal and still be happy? Can you think of a time when you haven't been able to settle for less and what happened as a result?<br />
I tend to compromise in the relationship but so does my hubby. I believe that there are gonna be times ,regardless which side,where your gonna have to compromise and your not gonna get everything your way . <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
3. Can you think of a time when one of you wanted to do one thing and the other wanted to do something else? How did you resolve it or did you not? Could be big things (where you live) or small things (what to do on a Saturday night).<br />
Thank fully , we have pretty much the same tastes BUT there are times when we do disagree. Recently , hubby wanted to go the lake and I just wasn't up to it..It really irritated him but I just wasn't in the mood and nothing was gonna make me go .<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
4. Can you think of any of your spouse's buttons that you push even though you know they're buttons? Does he/she do the same to you? Why do one or the other of you use that tactic or why don't you?<br />
Wow , this is a good one. For me it's money .. If he really ****** me off , I will spend money . It's about the only thing that ****** him off because he is a miser worse than scrooge. I know it's wrong and no it has nothing to do with the 1st question before you ask lol.. <br />
As far as him irritating me. I believe he uses his hearing or lack of to irritate me.I say something and he will act like he doesn't hear me which sends me into a serious pissed off mode.<br />
<br />
<br />
5. Have you figured out ways to respond to your spouse that work better than others?<br />
<br />
Me and my Hubby are polar opposites which in this world should mean hair ripping out BUT we don't have to hard a time getting along.He is a very calm and quiet man while I am an emotional and sociable person. It took a long time to find a way to respond to his nature and the same for him to me.I do believe we have figured out a happy agreement between each other that helps both of us .. He needs to talk and I need to be held when we are down..<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
6. Can you think of a time when you or your spouse has waged a war of attrition? In other words, something needed to get done, neither of you wanted to do it, so you both waited, hoping the other would finally do it? How'd it work out?<br />
<br />
hahahahaa , ohhh yeah.. This has happened and it's usually me waging war with him because he starts things and doesn't finish them. Irritates me to know end. I am usually the one that will get things done because I can't stand to wait around and wait for it to get done. To be honest , I don't believe we have ever had a situation where neither one of us wanted to do it. It's usually either or..<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
7. Can you think of a time when you said something to your spouse, either in the heat of the moment, or just without thinking, and then regretted it?<br />
Many times . Me being the social one , I tend to open mouth and insert foot. <br />
<br />
Excellent questions by the way ... I think I just helped my marriage =)

I want to know how to better understand marriage and how to improve it. I would love to hear your first-person examples of situations in which you have either succeeded or failed to effect cooperation with your partner.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Maybe you've figured out some good techniques you can share, or maybe you're still searching for solutions. Here are some examples of what she means: <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
1. Can you think of any topics that you and your partner repeatedly argue about? If so, have you found a way to stop going around in circles or are you stuck?<br />
<br />
Money ... and the kids.. It seems to be a universal issue that really has no solution.. If I could give any advise to couples planning to get married , I would say make sure they were compatible in this regard.We have sorta came to a truce but to have a complete problem solved , no we haven't<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
2. Can you think of a time when you have settled for less from your partner? Not in a bad way, but in the sense of compromise. For example, you wanted him/her to see it your way or do it your way and you figured out a middle way where you could live with less than your ideal and still be happy? Can you think of a time when you haven't been able to settle for less and what happened as a result?<br />
I tend to compromise in the relationship but so does my hubby. I believe that there are gonna be times ,regardless which side,where your gonna have to compromise and your not gonna get everything your way . <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
3. Can you think of a time when one of you wanted to do one thing and the other wanted to do something else? How did you resolve it or did you not? Could be big things (where you live) or small things (what to do on a Saturday night).<br />
Thank fully , we have pretty much the same tastes BUT there are times when we do disagree. Recently , hubby wanted to go the lake and I just wasn't up to it..It really irritated him but I just wasn't in the mood and nothing was gonna make me go .<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
4. Can you think of any of your spouse's buttons that you push even though you know they're buttons? Does he/she do the same to you? Why do one or the other of you use that tactic or why don't you?<br />
Wow , this is a good one. For me it's money .. If he really ****** me off , I will spend money . It's about the only thing that ****** him off because he is a miser worse than scrooge. I know it's wrong and no it has nothing to do with the 1st question before you ask lol.. <br />
As far as him irritating me. I believe he uses his hearing or lack of to irritate me.I say something and he will act like he doesn't hear me which sends me into a serious pissed off mode.<br />
<br />
<br />
5. Have you figured out ways to respond to your spouse that work better than others?<br />
<br />
Me and my Hubby are polar opposites which in this world should mean hair ripping out BUT we don't have to hard a time getting along.He is a very calm and quiet man while I am an emotional and sociable person. It took a long time to find a way to respond to his nature and the same for him to me.I do believe we have figured out a happy agreement between each other that helps both of us .. He needs to talk and I need to be held when we are down..<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
6. Can you think of a time when you or your spouse has waged a war of attrition? In other words, something needed to get done, neither of you wanted to do it, so you both waited, hoping the other would finally do it? How'd it work out?<br />
<br />
hahahahaa , ohhh yeah.. This has happened and it's usually me waging war with him because he starts things and doesn't finish them. Irritates me to know end. I am usually the one that will get things done because I can't stand to wait around and wait for it to get done. To be honest , I don't believe we have ever had a situation where neither one of us wanted to do it. It's usually either or..<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
7. Can you think of a time when you said something to your spouse, either in the heat of the moment, or just without thinking, and then regretted it?<br />
Many times . Me being the social one , I tend to open mouth and insert foot. <br />
<br />
Excellent questions by the way ... I think I just helped my marriage =)

Married 49 yrs....answer to long married life "assuming thats what you want of course"... sometimes I wonder:)<br />
<br />
Always place any problem you have, outside of your relationship and invite your partner to look at it with you together to solve it cos 2 heads working on any problem to solve it together is always better than one against one butting heads or one on its own.... <br />
<br />
Tip: Always Get rid of your own anger on your own first with no witnesses!!!! No one deserves your crap no matter how justified you think it is...<br />
<br />
It takes blame out of the equation, makes for good communication and improves your problem solving skills and brings you closer together working for harmony in your relationship and expands into life around you....

I just have to say, thanks to all of you for answering these questions. I am recently engaged and new issues seem to come up in our relationship every week. We feel so upset wondering, "Is it just us? Are we really meant to be?" It's nice to see that people who have been together for decades have some of the same issues we do, silly fights, etc. Your advice is much appreciated.

Hmm, what what the question again? Oh yeah. Well there are a few reasons to get married still I guess. I am still always shocked to here about or even see those lucky couples who got married and not pregnant at the time, this was in my opinion the only reason to get married. Then I end up becoming best friends with one of those guys who got married and ended up not being able to have kids, so him and his wife just lived, traveled, golfed and enjoyed each others company. A real rarity these days. Then as he left his house and told his wife how much he enjoyed his life he flew down from Jersey to visit me in Salt Lake. He was found dead in his hotel from a massive heartattack. I've been married for over 15 years and don't feel like I deserve a heart attack, or if I ever will. I'll probably be punished with a long life and and even longer marriage. He was the happiest person in life and in his marriage and he brought everyone around him to a better place. Of course his secret is safe with him now and i'm just struggling along trying to keep my family together for reasons i'm not even sure of. I guess the first few years with kids are so fun and everyone is getting along that you live the next 10 or 15 just hoping for a glimpse of those good times. Then while your doing that you've missed your kids entire lifes and they have all grown up and you barely know them. ****, what the hell kinds of website is this anyway?<br />
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P.S. dont get married for kids, don't stay married for kids, don't get married solely on attraction. Honestly, do what ever the **** you want. The grass will be greener on the other side someday, well at least for a couple weeks until your spouse finds a new "soulmate" and your get board with the 19 year old hottie who thinks the 80's only happened in the movies. Then you'll spend the next 5 years depressed and wondering what just happend to 40 years of your life. <br />
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Who do you have to **** to get a ******* do-over around here, Jesus.

Jake all I have to say is that I've been married for 23 years, and I'm 46 now. I've learned that there isn't any kind of perfect marriage, my husband and I love each other no matter what happens in our lives. I think you just have to be able to say "I was wrong and I'm sorry", and you have to remember your vows, "Till death due us part". You have to learn to forgive, although you might not be able to forget, keep your problems in you head dont always bring up old ****, all it does is slow the healing process down. And yes I have been through the "cheating thing", but if your strong (and you have to be to stay married) forgiveness is the key. And Kyosaku is right, you have to have a good sense of humor.

wow this is a very nice post nice article.<br />
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>>luvmylife-Love your answer! I'm not married, but I do know this: remind your spouse or significant other of things you usually think, but don't say. I suppose this goes into the communication catergory-For example, I remind my boyfriend frequently that "He has changed my life, and that I am so lucky to have him", and after sex, I tell him how much "noone else has ever satisfied me like he has" or when were in the car holding hands I'll tell him " I can't believe you're mine."<br />
All of those things most people think, but they just dont say them-or when they do say them it is because they have gotten in a fight with their other half and they are trying to smooth things over. News flash: everyone needs reminding, none of us are mind readers. And communication is not just for after you've gotten done fighting, its for your best days as well.

I made a horrible mistake at a convention in Anaheim, CA this past summer. I won't go into details but I allowed a black friend of ours to come to my room at the motel to watch a baseball game. It was our home team and he, his wife and my husband go to games together. Long story short he seduced me and spent the night. He later admitted to his wife that we had sex. She called and told my husband. I am in a bad situation now because of that. Up to then I had never cheated in our 5 years of marriage althought I'm sure he has. I did not do it out of revenge, I just allowed my feelings to take over and allow our friend to have his way. I did enjoy the experience! But not the after effects.

Jake: <br />
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There have been times in my 13 year marriage (18 years together) that I wasn't sure I could live with what was going on. But these problems that seem so huge - if you wait it out a bit, and keep arguing through it and make your compromises here and there - the problems mellow and change and reveal themselves more clearly. It takes time to work through them - issues don't always get resolved immediately. So put the time in I guess. Don't throw it all away when it gets tough.<br />
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-Tina

I am not sure what your faith is, but I am a Christian and marriage is very, very hard. I have to say that if you both put Christ first, then the love will ooze out of each of you. I notice that when my husband and I each become selfish and think about ourselves first, then the other person feels drained, or sucked dry. The reason for this is that most people go into marriage thinking that if only I find the right person I will be happy, because they will fufill all my needs. However the other party is thinking that of you! When we go to church and seek Christ first then it seems that everything is great. I don't feel neglected or bored and he doesn't feel I am nagging him all the time. In my prior marriage I was not saved and I drank a lot and ignored my husband. Now I have accepted Christ and completely gave up alcohol and I have come a long way. Some of the things we still fight about is his mother who talks trash about me and he won't stand up to her. The Bible tells a man to leave his family and cling to his wife. So that is one problem that is not resolved. Another is the fact that once a month he goes through this irritation after all the bills are paid and he lashes out at me. Men get really weird about money. Also we fight about the fact that when I work he still doesn't want to lift a finger with the housework. My suggestion is if you want your wife to work, set two hours aside everynight to talk to her, hold her hand, kiss her and then cook and clean together, get the mail, take out the trash, get the kids homework done and kids bathed and into bed. Then I suggest separate time for the two of you to get your bearings. Men need to detox their minds by being alone and women need to chat to their girlfriends and make themselves beautiful. When women do not get to make themselves be pretty, they start resenting their husband that their beauty is fading because they are taking care of the man so much. And men start resenting the woman thinking that all they are is a working stiff who is unappreciated. I also suggest having some exercise machines in your home so that when you get really mad, you can work out instead of lashing out at your partner firstly. Think about 30 minutes about what you really want to say instead of like my husband who has no self control tells me "you ugly ho" or "watch out cause I will undermine our life.' You must learn self control and diplomacy in marriage. Remember, this person is your other half. What you say to them is really what you are saying to yourself. If you speak ugly all the time, is it really because you don't like yourself. Another suggestion I have is if there is an addiction, then it has to go. You cannot be married to demons. They will take you down in the marriage, along with your finances, your self respect, and your good name.

It's reasonably simple, although not necessarily easy, for most couples. Generally, these problems are worked out by the individuals within the marriage rather than as a couple, but it's also important for couples to communicate the problem and their attempted solutions. Details follow:<br />
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Most arguments result from some form of worry or insecurity on the part of one or both.<br />
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You can see a therapist or work it out on your own.<br />
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(1) Worry is needless and is commonly harmful psychologically and physiologically. It solves nothing but creates other problems.<br />
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(2) Most worries are based upon: (a) financial difficulties; (b) health and/or family issues; and (c) things we can do nothing about.<br />
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It is health to recognize any of these problems and, unless it's something we can do nothing about anyway (like worrying about others' problems or the condition of the world) and work at methods for solving the problem.<br />
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One common method to begin getting rid of "worry" is to be determined not to worry about anything except for one hour a day - say 7:00 p.m. to 8:00 - and then be determined not to worry until the next evening.<br />
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This sounds silly, but it's a common psychological method to begin ridding oneself of all worrying.<br />
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(2) Insecurities are a more difficult problem and an insecure person should see a therapist, at least for a few visits.<br />
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But, if you won't do that, begin building a "faux" confidence by building yourself up. Everyone - not just some - but everyone - has positive and negative traits. Focus on the positive and know that your as worthy as anyone else. This doesn't mean you're fit to play in the NFL because few are. But you're as worthy as any and you must become convinced of that truth.<br />
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If you feel insecure around others, you must force yourself to become more sociable. As an example, go up to people, as much as you may not want to, and begin a conversation. This takes awhile, but anyone can overcome the hesitancy to do so. Force yourself to speak to groups (that is the number one fear in America).<br />
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In time, this can be overcome. Within a marriage, one's insecurities are blamed on the other partner as a result of one all our psychological oddities.<br />
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Beyond that, respect for the other is absolute.<br />
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This is simplified, I know, but it's my best short answer. Beyond that, the above answers aren't bad at all.

burgandy girl made a great point...."But my husband sure hates it when someone ELSE tells me something he has been telling me over and over... following me??"<br />
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my husband is the same way too!!!!<br />
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yet, i never remember him telling me the advice....so I am always super excited when I try someones advice and it works, and I tell my husband, and he say "oh great...thats exactly what I've been telling you to do!!"

1. Can you think of any topics that you and your partner repeatedly argue about? If so, have you found a way to stop going around in circles or are you stuck? +++We argue about what is "cheating"...that is the number one arguement we had for the first year of marriage. Well, we finally sat down and discovered that every argument we were having was because of this one issue, so once we finally got clear on what constituted Cheating, no more arguements! It basically comes down to making communication a habit.sharing our thoughts before they become actions, even if we haven't thought about it much. "Hun, I'm thinkin about watching some ****."..."hun, I think I'm in the mood to **********"..."Hey, I think that new guy at work looks kinda cute."...."i think the landlord is flirting with me." if we share this information early, it isn't a huge deal later if something developes.<br />
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2. Can you think of a time when you have settled for less from your partner? Not in a bad way, but in the sense of compromise. For example, you wanted him/her to see it your way or do it your way and you figured out a middle way where you could live with less than your ideal and still be happy? Can you think of a time when you haven't been able to settle for less and what happened as a result?<br />
We are constantly compromising. So far, it has been a pretty even trade off, so we remain balanced and satisfyed. If a time ever came where we couldn't compromise, I think the relationship would have to come to an end because it would mean I value my own happiness over my spouses...at the end of the day, that is the typical compromise-if it makes him happy, then I will forgo my choice...and if it makes me happy, he will do what I chose too.because if i am happy, he is happy, and vice versa.<br />
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3. Can you think of a time when one of you wanted to do one thing and the other wanted to do something else? How did you resolve it or did you not? Could be big things (where you live) or small things (what to do on a Saturday night). we will argue about it, but then we will compromise and try to do both things, or pick out a totally new thing completely. Like, if I want to see a movie, and he wants to play pool, we will instead go bowling-which we both also like.however, i like playing pool, and he also enjoys movies, so many times we will just do one or the other and still be happy about it, despite initial disapointment.<br />
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4. Can you think of any of your spouse's buttons that you push even though you know they're buttons? Does he/she do the same to you? Why do one or the other of you use that tactic or why don't you? I like to get really loud and obnoxious and critical.why?to be annoying and immature.but then again, I am 14 years younger than he is. my husband only treats me with respect, despite how nasty I attempt to be. his method works though-it is hard to be rude to someone who refuses to be rude back.with his help, i am becoming much more mature.<br />
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5. Have you figured out ways to respond to your spouse that work better than others? he responds well to me, no matter how i am to him. i find that acting childish gets a quicker response, and so does acting whiney and helpless....<br />
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6. Can you think of a time when you or your spouse has waged a war of attrition? In other words, something needed to get done, neither of you wanted to do it, so you both waited, hoping the other would finally do it? How'd it work out? THIS HAPPENS OFTEN!!!and guess what!if nobody takes the initiative, it is just not going to happen!!!So I often have to get everything started, and he will then finish.otherwise, we could live in a filthy house, or live with completely empty refridgerator/cabinets, or go for years with a stack of dirty dishes, or a growing pile of garbage by the door.<br />
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7. Can you think of a time when you said something to your spouse, either in the heat of the moment, or just without thinking, and then regretted it?all the time.i am constantly saying the meanest things i can, whenever we argue, because it is the only way I can attack. Yet, he has never ONCE called me anything other than beautiful, gorgeous, smart....it is so cute...he will be red in the face ,**** drunk, cursing me out, saying "YOU THINK EVERYTHING THAT COMES FROM THAT PRETTY LITTLE HEAD OF YOURS blah blah blah I HAVE TO COME HOME TO MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE blah blah blah etc..." it is hilarious.never once has he called me ugly, fat, stupid, smelly, or anything insulting about my past history...yet, I am the first one to use every personal detail about him against him in a fight.<br />
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sometimes i dunno why he married me, but i am glad he did because i love that man so much...i am pretty immature, but i am trying!

Jake those are excellent questions. The truth is every relationship is different. Some relationship are filled with respect, some are unconventional, some are intolerable, and some are of convenience. Marriage is an institution that guarantees each individual certain rights, however, once once that insitutional bond is broken especially when consemated with children makes those rights concrete, and left for a court to determine the legalities of said union. If I'd known what I know now about marriage, truthfully I'd preach to young women against it. Its a waste of time, and energy. In this day and age, loyalities are easily broken, integrity is non existant, and respect ugh forget about it. Perhaps I'm just bitter, but marriage is hard. You truly should have married your best friend to ensure it works out. Jake I hope you find the answer you are looking for. I for one don't have the answer, because I have been given so many answers throughout my 2 year union that just hasn't worked for me. Plain and simple my spouse is an A0.

The key to a good marriage, in my humble opinion, is to respect it, but not take it too seriously. I can't remember the movie, but upon the start of an engagement, the girl's father looks at her intended, and asks him "I know you love her, but do you like her?" It seems silly, but it's really very important. A solid friendship will carry you much farther in a marriage than any amount of physical attraction or lofty romanticism. Marriage requires two people to be best friends, respectful roomates, attentive lovers, and still maintain enough individuality to not bore the other person to death.<br />
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And as far as the war of attrition goes--I have a sink full of dirty pots and pans RIGHT NOW.

Interesting thread and some great feedback.. I have been married barely two years to a man i dated 15 years ago.. We were both tired of our lives and randomly decided to get married after not seeing each other in a long time... We have done NOTHING traditionally, and its so far working pretty well-- I have had my transgressions but feel on a whole, our MARRAGE will survive.. We are both over 35...<br />
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1. Can you think of any topics that you and your partner repeatedly argue about? If so, have you found a way to stop going around in circles or are you stuck?<br />
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A. Money.. Always a hot topic.... And family... The way we have been able to best communicate is to shut everything off-- sit in a room-- literally FACE each other-- and have it out.. there is pain, crying, yelling, etc... CRYING (both of us) but we really HAVE IT OUT.. We have never been violent and it is all said in love for the greater good-- the reason we got married-- our futures.... There is NO WAY to solve the issues if you DONT listen to the other person--- the word listen means TWO things-- #1 Let them have their say #2 FOLLOW their "advice".... I do #1 but rarely #2.... We ALL need to remember this-- as THIS (in my opinion) is what hurts our spouses the most) but-- obviously- -Im no expert...And I certainly dont follow my own advice... But my husband sure hates it when someone ELSE tells me something he has been telling me over and over... following me??<br />
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2. Can you think of a time when you have settled for less from your partner? Not in a bad way, but in the sense of compromise. For example, you wanted him/her to see it your way or do it your way and you figured out a middle way where you could live with less than your ideal and still be happy? Can you think of a time when you haven't been able to settle for less and what happened as a result?<br />
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A. Selfishly, I expected a diamond.. He SAID there would be one... There won't be.. Long story short-- he doesn't believe it symbolizes OUR relationship and he has LOTS of issues with Debeers etc... I have made my peace with it... Well-- i no longer let him know it hurts me...We also do not eat fish, celebrate "commercial" holidays, or buy ground beef (the list goes on) My husband is highly intelligent and a wonderful friend and lover.. His logic makes sense to me... THIS IS NOT TYPICAL I ma sure but-- it works for US... My examples are completely not what anyone else would agree with I'm sure but my relationship with him is more important to me than these other things... As far as things I am NOT willing to bend on, I have to get my nails done--- so i make sure he gets FULL benefit from this compromise-- lots of massages back, feet, head, and i also do all the chores... Now that i read this--- I compromise A LOT! hmmm....<br />
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3. Can you think of a time when one of you wanted to do one thing and the other wanted to do something else? How did you resolve it or did you not? Could be big things (where you live) or small things (what to do on a Saturday night).<br />
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As i answer the questions, I am shocked to see that I always give in.... BUT for right now-- he is the sole breadwinner, and that to me, means he decides what we do... Is that so wrong?? I will be working again soon... <br />
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4. Can you think of any of your spouse's buttons that you push even though you know they're buttons? Does he/she do the same to you? Why do one or the other of you use that tactic or why don't you?<br />
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Is this question in order to GET what we want or to be childish when we don't? Well, if I dont get my way-- I run away.. Its childish but honestly, sometimes I need to think about what it is i am saying or doing and i usually conclude that i am being childish and what i want is not as important as our relationship.. But We BOTH end up apologizing and then having a fun make up date!<br />
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5. Have you figured out ways to respond to your spouse that work better than others?<br />
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YES! No yelling..... lol.... And listening..... And keeping the sink clean... Little things like this-- make things WORK for us...Does that sound weird???<br />
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6. Can you think of a time when you or your spouse has waged a war of attrition? In other words, something needed to get done, neither of you wanted to do it, so you both waited, hoping the other would finally do it? How'd it work out?<br />
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HAHAHHA-- this is a GREAT question.... Back to the sink full of dishes... My husband knows all me need do is nudge me-- I am lazy and a bit scatter brained... But when he gets upset, or needs to express sometime to me, i will know it-- if he is washing the dishes... i will know it annoyed him that they sat there... its not like he is OCD about it-- its just annoying-- we have no kids so little things like this bug him.... In fact-- I cant finish answering questions--- I hear him in the kitchen!!! This was fun!!! Ill be back!!<br />
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7. Can you think of a time when you said something to your spouse, either in the heat of the moment, or just without thinking, and then regretted it?

Well after being married 19 years about the only way I have been able to make it work is looking at it this way. Everyones reality is different. It doesn't make one persons wrong, it is only the way they percieve it. I just have to sit back and laugh at times. To myself of coarse.

So true.

I have always believed that you should never call your spouse a nasty or hateful word even in fun...its hurtful and demeaning, and in the heat of a conflict it can be used as a 2edge sword to strike...then we regret those words we can't take back. so I love to call my husband honey, my love, or even just his name... but never an insult or curse word. I expect the same in return. As for the arguing...I understand that my spouse has the right to have his own opinion as do I, so I will give him all the time he needs to explain his stand on the situation with respect, I will not cut him off or demean his feelings over the situation, I hear him out, and respectfully he allows me the same. I was taught by my spouse along time ago that when tempers flare and people are screaming at one another then no one can be heard, however if you talk softly the other person quiets down to hear what your saying....which can lead to a discussion not a screaming match. lastly if you are communicating with your spouse regularly then there is no need for ego honest and open communication leads to true intimacy, we are humbling ourselves to each other revealing our deepest thought and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to one another, this is what love is all about. patient, kind...not self seeking...

1. can't think of things we repeatly argue about, as we rarely argue at all.<br />
2. I've never settled for less, as my husband is a truly GOOD MAN. I've never met anyone like him and don't think I ever will, or try to look if he dies.<br />
3. Marriage is compromise. Things like moving ~ discussions like these go like this in my home: If its in God's Will ~ we will end up where we are supposed to be without looking. IT HAPPENED! Little things in marriage, give and take. Its all about getting along and loving eachother unconditionally, supporting eachother.<br />
4. Buttons: Yes we push eachothers buttons, but in a fun way ~ we jack around with eachother even hitting sore spots but it doesnt matter because we wrestle and things are good. Although I wouldn't "go there", meaning the inner thigh area ~ lol<br />
5. Yes. It depends on the situation but a simple "I love you honey" goes a long way.<br />
6. He gets things done, because I lose use of my legs a lot. He is very hyper too, so things work out.<br />
7. Yes, yrs ago i told him to leave....... never do that again, as now we have two 9 yr olds and ONE isn't mine! (whoops). Never go that route again, lol. Something simple as a one night stand landed him a child that was kept from him for 8 yrs, and was severely abused. What lust can do, ha? We are left to pick up the pieces for this poor little boy that was beaten to a pulp all his life and now is retarded !~ at the hands of his birth mother. SAD.<br />
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The longer the marriage the better, I think. Mine gets better everyday and every moment with him is just like the first!!!<br />
Hope this helps :)

Wow... what a thread...<br />
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1) Arguing is usually seen as a bad thing, but what is worse is when the arguing doesn't happen. I could be wrong, but I don't think there are many couples that don't have anything to argue about. In my marriage of 8 years we very very rarely argue. It is a sign that our level of communication is not health.<br />
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2) All the time. I am the one that doesn't like conflict and doesn't like to argue. That has led our marriage to a place where my wife gets what she wants and I go along with it. She is as frustrated with this as I am and tries to get me to voice my opinion. I honestly feel that in the 15 years that we have been together I have lost any idea of what my opinion is. <br />
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Part of the issue is that she is intolerant of so many things. For instance, choosing a place to have dinner. Can't be loud, dark, allow smoking, must have vegetarian food, must be of a cuisine that she is in the mood for within the price range she has in mind. It drives me crazy and so I just list the places that I expect that she has in mind until we "agree" on a place. I don't mind going to a restaurant that she likes, I just hate the game of trying to make it my idea.<br />
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3) We do what she wants. Big or small. Do you see a pattern?<br />
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4) I attempt not to push buttons. I am a peacemaker to a fault. I think that we might have a healthier relationship if I would rock the boat more, but I really hate fights and arguments.<br />
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5) Not really. does "Yes dear." count?<br />
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6) It happens from time to time and it can on for quite a while. It usually leads to fight eventually. One of the few things that leads to a fight that I will pursue...<br />
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7) I called her father a drunk once and that offended her, but I don't really regret saying that. I think I am careful about what I say to a fault. I really avoid hurting her because she seems so unstable when she is upset. <br />
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I come from a family of stoics and she comes from a family of emotive people. My family seems so normal at first glance and hers so dysfunctional, but the opposite is really true. Her family will say hurtful things to each other and get into huge fights that horrified me, but 30 minutes later they are done and fine. My family stews on wrongs for years.<br />
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Communication is our hardest and most productive area for improvement. We need to learn to listen and talk better. <br />
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Cheers-

Going to answer your questions as best I can in orderl <br />
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We argue sometimes about the way we speak to each other. We like to stop it before it gets hostile. We also tend to stop each other if something "feels" wrong between us. Communication is key. We also argue about sex occasionally since I want it so much hehe. We argue about chores sometimes since we live a very busy lifestyle. <br />
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2. As far as compromise goes, I have a hard time doing something I don't want to do, and he is very stubborn, but we usually find a common ground. We had a lot of compromises when it comes to sex, as we had different viewpoints on it altogether, but we worked on it and talked about it A LOT. One thing that makes our relationship great is that we can be in the same room and do two different things, but just be happy to be around each other. We don't have to spend every second together, but we usually choose to do almost everything together. We still have our own separate interests. <br />
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3. Can you think of a time when one of you wanted to do one thing and the other wanted to do something else? How did you resolve it or did you not? Could be big things (where you live) or small things (what to do on a Saturday night). Oh of course, this happens all the time. We are joined together, but we are still two different people. Usually we find a way to do both, or we schedule a time to do one or the other another time, so we still both get what we want, just maybe not right away. :)<br />
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4. Can you think of any of your spouse's buttons that you push even though you know they're buttons? Does he/she do the same to you? Why do one or the other of you use that tactic or why don't you? I don't think he pushes my buttons on purpose ever. He doesn't want to see me angry or upset, he would rather avoid that. I do push his buttons sometimes because he tends to shut off and shut me out. I push his buttons so he will get a bit aggravated and tell me how he feels, otherwise he doesn't know what his feelings are and I think that puts him in touch with them.<br />
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5. Have you figured out ways to respond to your spouse that work better than others? Yes. He responds better to me being in compassionate mode. If I come to him with aggression or meanness in any way, he just reflects it back at me, so if I come in listening and caring, he is receptive and we have better conversation. Most people just need someone to listen to them. <br />
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6. Can you think of a time when you or your spouse has waged a war of attrition? In other words, something needed to get done, neither of you wanted to do it, so you both waited, hoping the other would finally do it? How'd it work out? Oh god, I hate this. I will just do it, or I will leave it until it affects me. I don't get worked up about it, but he does, so he will either say something or leave it and let it bother him and tell me eventually. These things are like a pressure cooker, you have to tend to it, you can't just leave it. One of you has to cave in, and if you have to be the one, then suck it up and cave in. <br />
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7. Can you think of a time when you said something to your spouse, either in the heat of the moment, or just without thinking, and then regretted it? Of course, this happens every time I get angry, I always say the worst things. This is why I try not to get that angry, I try to communicate my feelings all the time, so that they don't build up and bust out. When this happens, you just have to apologize and be sincere, because of course you love your person and don't want them hurt. <br />
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I hope this helps. :) Feel free to msg me if you have any other questions.

We have been Married since Valentine's Day. We love each other very much. We take turns cooking, We both do the dishes together, We walk the cats together, We make love 3 times a week, and we are there for each other. We never go to bed angry with each other, and take care of the other person if they/we are sick. He works but I am not able too, and he understands what my problem is., We go out dancing every Saturday Night, and have a lot of fun.

1. Can you think of any topics that you and your partner repeatedly argue about? If so, have you found a way to stop going around in circles or are you stuck?<br />
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I can't think of any right offhand. We usually respect each others' autonomy. <br />
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2. Can you think of a time when you have settled for less from your partner? Not in a bad way, but in the sense of compromise. For example, you wanted him/her to see it your way or do it your way and you figured out a middle way where you could live with less than your ideal and still be happy? Can you think of a time when you haven't been able to settle for less and what happened as a result?<br />
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About the only thing I can think of here is her spaghetti. I like Kraft spaghetti better than hers, but her spaghetti is good enough for me after adding some garlic salt to it. I eat her spaghetti.<br />
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3. Can you think of a time when one of you wanted to do one thing and the other wanted to do something else? How did you resolve it or did you not? Could be big things (where you live) or small things (what to do on a Saturday night).<br />
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This is the biggest thing we talk about. Usually it's what to eat for dinner. I will go through a list of places I'd like to eat at. She will finally make a decision where she wants to eat.<br />
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One time, I didn't want to eat there, so we went to 2 drivethroughs.<br />
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4. Can you think of any of your spouse's buttons that you push even though you know they're buttons? Does he/she do the same to you? Why do one or the other of you use that tactic or why don't you?<br />
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I try not to push her buttons. She tries not to push mine, but sometimes she does. We apologize afterwards.<br />
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5. Have you figured out ways to respond to your spouse that work better than others?<br />
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When she's very sleepy, she'll ask me to do strange things that make no sense (such as "Green the flamingo soda" and the like). I just walk away for a few seconds out of her sight. She forgets what she asked me to do.<br />
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6. Can you think of a time when you or your spouse has waged a war of attrition? In other words, something needed to get done, neither of you wanted to do it, so you both waited, hoping the other would finally do it? How'd it work out?<br />
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We both do this sometimes. Usually one or the other will give in.<br />
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7. Can you think of a time when you said something to your spouse, either in the heat of the moment, or just without thinking, and then regretted it?<br />
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Yep. Everybody's probably done this.

I am His 5th Wife. NO, I did not know this even after we got married. He only told me about 2 previous marriages. It was his Mother, that dropped the bomb. I was shocked and after 9 years, still a little resentful, but know now, that I had better not trust what he says at face value. Yes, we both have said Ugly things to each other. I try to apologized but it only starts the whole thing back up. He likes the words 'always' and 'whatever', which I have learned to absolutely hate those two words. I left one time and moved out to my own place. Two days later he was at the door, screaming and pounding, until I was so humiliated by all the neighbors hearing him, I allowed him in. He never left. So I finally resigned to go 'home' and accept the fact that I had jumped into a frying pan out of a fire. And I simply accept my life as it is now, and do not have any dreams nor goals anymore. I live day to day, until one day I die or he does. And I promise this much, I WILL NEVER EVER GET MARRIED AGAIN.

I knew there were going to be many responses to this question. My husband and I are going on our third year of marriage on the fifteenth of this month. My biggest fear in my life besides not being succesful is having a divorce. I do not come from a divorced family but, my husband's family divorces and remarry like it's the thing to do. Everybody is divorced in his family with the exception of one aunt. His cousin, our age, got divorced after eight months of marriage and is now recently remarried. His other cousin, same age as well, is now getting a divorce. It's really scary and I fear so much about it. I beleive my fear helps to keep us together in some ways. Knowing it can happen is what makes me try to be a better person for him. <br />
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I think the number one problem in marriage is about money. Everybody I'm sure can agree with that rich or poor. We are in lots of credit card debt, all on one card. I like to spend my money and I have very expensive taste. The debt is not from my spending, I work and my own cash flow goes into what I own. I would only contribute the bare minimum to our debt. My husband and I have had many "come to Jesus" talks about this and I see the stress it has put on my husband. We even sat down one night almost a year ago and we both were crying because he was just about ready to throw the towel in. I picked up the book The Proper Care and feeding of Marraiges by Laura Schlessinger and read it within a week. I recognized everything wrong that I was doing and where my problems were coming from. I begged him to read the book and he finally agreed. We both are even more open to our problem areas and talk even more about issues we have. I have learned to say I am sorry and I am wrong instead of being the nagging sort of wife that men complain about. My husband is so amazing too and can apologize for his wrong doings, as well. I also try to make a special effort not to nag him needlessly. When it is trash day for him, I have learned to let him take it out on his own. I treat him like he is my husband and not a nusence or my kid. <br />
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A few months ago I came up with the idea of making a contract with him about our major issues in our marriage. We both sat down and typed up a formal contract regarding issues such as money, time together, sex, and how much we can spend monthly and how much we both agreed to place on our debt. We would both agree on each topic and would sign and initial each area. I only make six hundred a month right now through teaching English to a Japanesse American girl (I am a military spouse and live in Okinawa). The money I make we have agreed that I can keep two hundred and the rest I contribute to our debt. He has agreed, actually volunteered, because this is how wonderful my husband is, that he will pay for my shampoo and conditioner (that are not cheap) and haircuts as well as any feminie product I need, soap, Clinique facial cleanser ect. and he will also pay for everything else such as groceries, restaurants, movie tickets, and even my clothes. My two hundred that I keep goes to any thing I want. I can buy an expensive purse, nail polish, DVD's, whatever. For Christmas and Birthday money I keep four hundred and only contirbute two hundred for the debt. That way what I give him in gifts does not have to come out of my own spending money. That, is more than fair. He is not controlling in the least and has been more than genourous about this in paying for whatever I need. I know to some people and many feminist women they may think this is oppresive and I let my husband rule the money, which by the way he does not. He has to talk to me first before he does anything with the money not including eating out for his lunches. He is very open with where the money goes and we both check the account together daily so we can be honest and open with each other. I am also the one who can admit I have problems with spending too much money. Trust me, I have an authentic Louis Vuitton, Fendi, Christian Dior, and three gucci handbags and more as well as eight deigner sunglasses. Granted the sunglasses on base we get are 75% off and all my bags excluding my Louis Vuitton were purchased on Ebay through one of three sellers who are only allowed to sell authentic Hermes handbags. Trust me they are trusted sellers, that and I can authenticate most designer handbags. Once again all these things I payed out of my account, but that was money I could have attributed to our debt instead. My spending was tearing us apart. I had to think of the only way that I could show him I mean business and that I did see his hurt. When we are out of debt we will not need to have this anymore. Because of this method we now only owe eight hundred dollars on a loan that was once sixteen thousand. When ever I want to spend more money than I agreed upon I begin to feel guilty and knowing I signed a conract with my husband and to think I was about to lie to him bothers me and I tell him, so he knows I am being honest with him. <br />
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If marriage is a legal and binding contract between two people and state, then why can't we make a contract of serious issues that we have inside our marriage and agree on one to make it stronger. I hear so many times about people getting divorced over things like fighting over money, or not enough time was spent together, and even sex. Well, we both have an agreement on how much we are allowed to spend for the both of us, not just fot me. And, we have agreed to go sight seeing once a month together without complaining and we do something together anyhow everynight so that was not a problem. As for sex, we agreed to have sex atleast twice a week and he gets a b.j. atleast once a month (sorry if TMI). If we do not follow through with that, then we are supposed to add the amount of sex missed that week into the next week. So, we could because of our agreed contract end of having to do it four times a week! Yea! We also agreed on more kisses! ;) I think it's kind of fun. It is strange, but it really has brought us closer together and whatever works, works. <br />
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Now, the whole contract thing you can't just pull out on your wife. You really have to have somebody who is that fully open minded and can look passed any feminists B.S. about marriage to do something like that. Remember, I was the one who intiated the idea and the contract is for both of us, not only for me. I had some demands from him I wanted fixed and we also placed that on the contract. I would want to go site seeing with him and he tends to get very busy with his research till I would throw a fit. Well, since having placed that one the contract, he is now the one who asks me where do I want to go and he looks forward to it. His attitude toward my issues with him have changed. This really in my opinion is the most honest and could be one of the most effective ideas in a marriage, yet. Screw couseling. You just learn to fight a better way. By the way, because of this contract, we fight much less and instead we will bicker over such petty things and then we both realize it and then chill and can laugh at it, and we tell each other on a regular basis how much we both mean to each other. <br />
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Sorry, about this being so long. Hope you found some of this interesting and hopefully another married couple can agree with trying this method out as well if they want to try and save their marriage. We don't talk about divorce anymore, instead we talk about girls names or boys names for our future kids. A year ago, we were no where near that, instead we talked about divorce and we both didn't want kids.<br />
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My goal in life is to stay married untill death do us part, and I strongly believe that is where his mind set is too.

Wow that is so awesome! very inspiring.

Question 1: We argue over who is going to drive. Solution, I usually give in and let her drive. Problem solved.

1. There is not one thing we frequently argue about. We get over our arguments in a day or so, don't stay mad at each other.<br />
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2. We each settle for less at least weekly, that's called compromise.<br />
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3. Again, sometimes I want to do one thing and she another, that's again called compromise. We try to keep it pretty equal so one is not always getting their wish at the expense of the other.<br />
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4. I bug wife more than she bugs me, it's just our nature.<br />
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5. We found it best to tackle big issues over a period of time, not all at once.<br />
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6. Waiting and waiting endlessly does not work well for us.<br />
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7. I say things in the heat of the moment more often than wife, and we both regret when we do this. <br />
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That was too many questions for me. I prefer one question at a time.

I have been married for 23 years and have never had a fight with my wife. We have our understanding. The garage and tools are mine. I get control of the remote for the tv. She makes all the other decisions and it makes for a happy life/

Hi! Thanks for the email. Here are my answers:<br />
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1) Re: Topic<br />
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Before, we lived together (now we see each other only 2x a week coz his work is far), we often argue about his coming home late at night and drunk whenever he visits his parents wherein his friends are in the same neighborhood. We fought a lot about this. I think it would still be my problem if we're living together. He would just apologize, i'll forgive him, but the same thing happens over and over when he goes to his parents'/friends' house.<br />
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2.) Re: Settled for less<br />
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My husband always settle for what i want like which restaurant to choose, food to order, things to buy etc. Sometimes this annoys me because i want him to make simple decisions such as those i mentioned. When i used to work and when we didn't have baby yet, i bought things that i wanted even if they're expensive. But since, my husband is the sole provider, and he didn't come from a well-to-do family, which makes him buy simple and not-so-costly things and very seldom, i don't buy expensive things anymore because i would feel guilty spending his hard earned money. Thus, i settled for less.<br />
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3.) Re: Wanting to do different things<br />
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I do my own thing, he does his own thing, & we do things together that we have in common. When it comes to big decisions we always talked about it. He always asks me what i want but since he's the man in the house, i let him decide as long as it's good for the both of us.<br />
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4.) Re: Buttons<br />
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I think he doesn't know my button/s. I told him i love surprises especially on my birthdays but he never did surprise me.....never does.....he's predictable. <br />
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He loves to eat. I do my best to cook his favorite dishes.<br />
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5.) Re: Ways to respond<br />
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We don't raise our voice to each other. When we fight, i just don't talk to him, and IF he noticed he would ask why. In our 2 years of marriage (plus living together for 2 years prior to getting married), i learned to clean his mess, and try not to argue about petty things. We respond than react to a situation. But sometimes, we say things that we never thought is offensive, we immediately call each other's attention and we're quick to apologize. My husband is very humorous and i adapted, that's why our conversation is always very light.<br />
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6.) Re: Waging a war of attrition<br />
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In our relationship, i have the most initiative in doing things. I can't think of any event wherein i waited for him to do it because i always take the initiative. Unless it's a man thing like fixing the light or the faucet or something, then i ask him to do it.<br />
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7.) Re: Regretful words<br />
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I am very careful in choosing my words. That's why i would prefer to be quiet when things don't turn out accdg. to my expectations or if he does things that irritates me, because people tend to say awful words in the heat of an arguement, and once words were uttered you can never take them back, but it would only cause more trouble in a relationship. So no, i never said anything to my husband nor to anybody that i regret, and neither did he.

PENNY YOU ARE SO LUCKY! She found the love of her life here. Good for you. Now it's my turn. OK GUYS HERE I AM. If your genuine and true email me .I am only human so i make mistakes but not often.lol. If the love of my life is here write me and lets see where it may go.

I try to compramise all the time but it is his way or the thing he wants to do or he will make it a misserable time for everyone. So compramise can be a gtood thing till one takes it so far as to have to have there way all the time. I think marriage is for some but for others a dream that will never come true in a full hearted marriage. Once the paper is signed theres not much need o keep talking to the one you loved and keep the lines open .Why i ask. I try so hard but if he will not try i understand why people are married and going out with others when the opportunity arrises. AFTR ALL IF YOU WONT PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR MARRIAGE---SOMEONE OUT THERE WILL! lET ALL MEN AND WOMEN BE AWARE OF THIS. aND IF YOU REALLY CARE THEN YOU BETTER PAY ATTENTION WHILE YOU CAN.

Sounds like you are busy with a thesis ;-)

I will go out on a limb here and just make a comment on what I feel is the best part of being married to my husband. I think the best part in having a partner is when I am down, physically or mentally he is the light at the end of the tunnel calling with an outstretched hand for me to join him in the light. I am here to do the same for him.

Good questions, I should say both me and my husband's answers would be yes to all the questions.<br />
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Sometimes I think I do most of the sacrifices, but when I look deeper I see he does it with out letting me know and bragging about it!

I think the key to any successful marriage is the willingness to communicate and be honest with each other. If honesty, respect and communication break down, then most everything else follows. I had to laugh at the #6 question because I'm sure many of us have had our "power plays", as I like to call 'em. I remember there was one time that I got so sick of hubby always eating and then setting his plate on the coffee table and leaving it there. I would then have to take it into the kitchen and rinse it off, etc. One night I got irritated about it and decided that I would leave the plate right where it was, and HE could take it to the kitchen. (After all, I cooked, did the dishes and everything else so that was the least he could do. Right? Wrong.) That plate sat there on the coffee table for almost a week!! It started to look like a science project and I couldn't take it anymore. I blew up about it. His response? "You could have asked me to take it in there". WHAT?!? He got better (not perfect) after that about taking his dishes to the kitchen and rinsing them out...after I pointed out his 'science project'. :) It's all small stuff so I try not to sweat the small stuff. We also make each other laugh and that goes a long way.

Jake....We respect each other and do not push any buttons. we hardly argue either. Sure we have had some spats and confrontations (who hasnt?), but we we always work things out and pretty much get along fine. We are partners as well as lovers and husband/wife. Nothing is ever always 50-50 and one of us usually gives or gets more depending on the issue or situation. We dont keep score. Here is how I see it....my wife's wants, needs, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, opinions, wishes, desires, interests, and so forth are just as important to me as my own. Sometimes I even give hers more importance as she is my #1 priority. I sometimes take a back seat and dont get what I'd like, its not always "fun" to do so (or easy) but having her love and companionship often makes up for any "loss" or inconvenience I may feel. I hope I have helped answer your question(s).

My husband have gone round and round about living from paycheck to paycheck and getting nowhere. We had a bit of crisis in our marriage and decided to recommit ourselves to making more of an effort. This included going to church as a family. We have been seeking guidance from different resources and learned about the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace program. During the program we were able to talk about our spending differences, our expectations and what we wanted to do and change. By no means are we debt free, but we spent the summer paying off the car, paid off one credit card and paying off a loan to the tune of $3000 in three months by working extra jobs. We still have glitches to work out but we are moving forward.

Most important single factor in a marriage is agreeing on how to HANDLE a discussion on a topic where there is a conflict, not on whether you actually agree on particular things. If you cannot agree on HOW TO TALK ABOUT AND RESOLVE potential conflicts, then there is no way the marriage will succeed, because even ONE such disagreement can lead to a huge fight...just over technique...not solving the actual issue itself.

1. Can you think of any topics that you and your partner repeatedly argue about? If so, have you found a way to stop going around in circles or are you stuck? <br />
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When it comes down to argueing I've Learned to Let Him Win or atleast think he's doing so. If Not We get no where.<br />
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2. Can you think of a time when you have settled for less from your partner? Not in a bad way, but in the sense of compromise. For example, you wanted him/her to see it your way or do it your way and you figured out a middle way where you could live with less than your ideal and still be happy? Can you think of a time when you haven't been able to settle for less and what happened as a result? <br />
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Last Christmas For example. He Asked if I would spend Christmas day with Him, Deep down I wanted to spend that day with my Family. Instead I told him I'd go to his Parents, Then he'd go to Mine. It Ended up working Out Pretty Well I only got a few hours with my Family Though which wasn't To bad. On the other hand There are times When I'm not so Compromising And it tends To cause I big Fight.<br />
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3. Can you think of a time when one of you wanted to do one thing and the other wanted to do something else? How did you resolve it or did you not? Could be big things (where you live) or small things (what to do on a Saturday night).<br />
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Just Recently My Friend wanted me to go Out To A Movie with her My Husband didn't want me going because it was my only night off. I was dying to see the movie. So I just said I'd be home early so we could spend some time together. It didn't work out that way he ended up falling asleep on the couch That night. <br />
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4. Can you think of any of your spouse's buttons that you push even though you know they're buttons? Does he/she do the same to you? Why do one or the other of you use that tactic or why don't you?<br />
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Oh yeah! But I don't know anyone who gets mad and doesn't. He does that same To me. Cause We know what works and we work it to our Advantage as Harsh as it sounds.<br />
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5. Have you figured out ways to respond to your spouse that work better than others?<br />
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The longer your with the person the more you learn what Works and what doesn't work. So Yes I have Found responses that work but Also ones that I know not to try. <br />
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6. Can you think of a time when you or your spouse has waged a war of attrition? In other words, something needed to get done, neither of you wanted to do it, so you both waited, hoping the other would finally do it? How'd it work out?<br />
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Right Now! He bought the most Disgusting Dish washing Liquid. It stinks So Bad. I'm pregnant and everytime I use it I gag. So he has dishes Duty and I'm not budging Lol.<br />
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7. Can you think of a time when you said something to your spouse, either in the heat of the moment, or just without thinking, and then regretted it?<br />
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Yeah I told him he was my biggest mistake in an fight

my husband and i came up with a way of trying to communicate better by making time for eachother each night at least 20 min. to just go over how eachothers day was what were the ups and down and just to conversated to help eachother get things out and we always start with " How was your day?''<br />
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even though we love each other we both have said things to each other that both of us regrett, i have told him that he is boring in bed ( by the way not a good thing to say even if you ment the best out of it ) and he has told me that he did not want to have children with me ( even though he does it was just a bad time in our relationship ) <br />
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things are said and stuff is done that is both good and bad and sometimes one of us has to pull more weight than the other but we get through it thats all we can do <br />
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i know that both of us can be a pain in the butt sometimes but hey you can always be an angle? he can **** me off by always pushing my buttons when i just wake up ( i'm a groch *** in the morning ) and some times i do the same back but we try to understand one another. I sometimes just have to be blunt with him it may hurt his feelings but he new when he married me i was not the kinda a person that wouldn't tell him stright up how i was feeling at the time. so sometimes you just have to be honest it may hurt but if they love you enough they will get over it. <br />
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good luck to all...........

I couldn't want for anyone other than my precious wife.<br />
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She is intelligent and loving, runs an efficient home, lovingly cares for our children and is a joy to be around.<br />
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I support her completely in what she wants to do, and as I recover from my car accident, I am seeing yet another side to her that I love so fully.<br />
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I am a man truly blessed in a union I want to last all eternity

no

I also have a failed marriage. I agree exactly with Pix. Take care of each other.......

I failed at marriage so I'll just leave one comment :-) Never ever deprive her or take her for granted... if you do that... your love will last forever :-) Good luck sweetie!!!

I have tried calling my wife a poopy head, but that doesn't seem to work very well.

I sometimes just ignore him when we dissagree. We argue about money sometimes. Sometimes we dissagree on where we would like to go.I sometimes do things alone as my husband is a home body!

I sometimes just ignore him when we dissagree. We argue about money sometimes. Sometimes we dissagree on where we would like to go.I sometimes do things alone as my husband is a home body!

Jake, lots of questions, and not one simple answer.<br />
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Do my wife and I have yelling matches? No, they frankly do not do much good. That is the time it is best to go to your corners, pout, and think of a good way to tell your lover how something makes you feel and why. Attack with anger, you will get anger back, and hateful things are said which are not ment, but hurt because it is easy for the reciever to think it was ment. Heat of the moment does not solve issues. <br />
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Never stop dating. Even after 18 years together, we learned we need to keep dating. Dress up, open the car door, send flowers with a note "I am looking forward to tonight", and ask eachother about themselves. Forget about the kids, work, who did what to who, but concentrate on the person infront of you!<br />
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After so many years togther, and all the bad things we did to eachother, we realized we were miserable and could see our marriage dwindling. We had to set a date where we would wipe the slate clean. Any thing hurtful, upsetting, patterns, anything prior to a set date became past history, and everything from that date forward had to be new. Relearn eachother with out being influenced by the past. We called it Easter, our new begining. It worked. We gave eachother permission to say "that was before Easter, this is now", and promises to always be open as well as receptive to eachother.<br />
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There is no simple single step to making a relationship work, but openness, honesty, and willing to show your underbelly.

beautiful!

The reponses to this post really made me realize i married the wrong person. congrads to all of you for having that mate that you can work with and love through the good and bad times.

i fight every single moment for what i consider to be "my rights" as a half in this relationship, taking care not to hurt her feelings and respect her "rights" . it a continuous compromise with reprisals of negotiations, from the light, smiling, friendly ones to the "bloody" battles no one wants to make the step back. but what we agreed from start and stick to it, is to always say what we think and if there is a problem, discuss it right away instead let it grow into angry and hidden frustration.<br />
once we agreed none of us is a mind reader and problems are easier solved or prevented when known, things are on a good course. <br />
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will be back with more ideas, when in right mood.<br />
cheers

1. My partner and I repeatedly argue about differing views about how to handle our children. The only way we manage to avoid going around in circles is encouraging them to move out! :)<br />
2. We’ve always had to settle for less from each other. There is no way to work it without reaching a central point. Love and lasting relationships can’t be about elation all the time. There are many areas that must be negotiated and settled on. If you can’t settle for less, your relationship will break.<br />
3. Every day one of us wants to do one thing and the other wants to do something else. Resolution is based on who wants or needs it more. Open and fair communication allows for these differences to resolve themselves to the satisfaction of both. If one of us were to get our way too often, the other would get testy. That’s your cue to compromise!<br />
4. Pushing buttons is a natural thing to do. It’s an unfair fight tactic and after a good dust up it is the very thing that must be forgiven.<br />
5. I find screaming my head off is a very good way to respond to my wife. It seems ridiculous and certainly doesn’t help in the moment – but we aren’t in this for the moment. Over the long haul, issues that lead to that sort of response are clearly noted and changes through love and respect are forced. In her case, displays of disappointment moves me to change.<br />
6. Attrition is a common war around here. It doesn’t work well but being stubborn is part of life.<br />
7. Regrets are harsh things. The real secret to regret is that you can show your spouse your undying devotion when you <strong>never</strong> mention the horrible things they’ve said or done. Knowing your spouse has forgiven you and loves you unconditionally are not things that can be done with words. This knowledge can only be found in the act of having regrets that are forgiven.

I am in am Indian woman in an arranged marriage. We have been married for 5 years and have an 18 month old son. For the last 5 years his parents have lived with us a great deal. I only give this background as I am sure that his is not typical of responses that you may receive….<br />
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1. We repeatedly argue about time (as in how much time we have OR time out with other people) and how to raise our son. As for time we argue about how to spend it. Time with other people, I am not allowed to spend time with friends, but he is, and he especially angers me by inviting his friends over on a whim and I have to rush around and cook and clean for them. On raising our child, I have more experience, and he is just learning.<br />
1a. I finally sat down with him at a neutral time and discussed that we need to manage our time in a better way. We have come into a schedule that works better for us as a result. As for having his friends over, after dealing with it for so long with requests for notice unheeded, I told him flat out if he wants to have friends over to give me AT LEAST 1 days notice so I can clean/cook ahead of time so that I can enjoy company or spend time for myself. Otherwise he will have to help me clean or go with a “less than perfect” house and find his own snacks to feed his friends. I stuck to it and he now tries his very best to give me warning. We are still working on his allowing me to “hang out” with friends. We shall see how this goes…As for raising our son, I finally scaled back a little and began to compliment exceedingly on the things that he does right. I take more time now to logically explain why I don’t want our son doing something that he thinks is no big deal (ie playing ball in the driveway that leads directly to our busy street).<br />
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2. Being in an arranged marriage creates a lot of tension when ideals are set deeply. I was raised mostly in the US, he was raised in India. There are constant clashes. There was no period of time on where we got to know each other, only after marriage, and with his parents around. We are actually (as of 2 weeks ago) free of his parents visiting us, so we are really getting to know each other after 5 years of marriage. For those years we did a lot of settling so that his parents would keep stay out of our affairs. Unfortunately I gave more than he gave (he admits to this). I compromised more than I should have for the sake of keeping the waters calm, except in the case of raising our son. As I had settled for less for so long, I am now finding a HUGE struggle to find compromise from him, although he has tried to encourage me to be myself after so long. We are still working on it, so we shall see where it leads…<br />
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3. We usually have a small argument back and forth about the small things. He or I will usually give in to each other on an equal basis to see the other person happy. It is a good feeling. On the big things, my husband usually gives me a lot of leeway as I know more about the law and culture here (he let me chose our home after he chose to move to the city where we currently live), he has given a lot to help us raise our child well, he does go with me a lot in decisions concerning the major aspects of our son’s upbringing. When it comes to the small things concerning our son we have the most trouble. The grey areas are the hardest. <br />
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4. I try never to push my husband’s buttons purposely. Instead of pushing his buttons, I try to find a neutral way to get around upsetting him, but still getting the desired outcome. This has become harder after he stopped smoking, but that is to be foreseen I suppose…<br />
4a. My husband likes to push my buttons occasionally. He thinks that it is cute when I get angry. Sometimes when he goes to far he gets upset at my anger. Once I did ask him why he likes to push them (on certain topics as riding his motorcycle without a helmet, or weed eating without protective glasses), and his reply was that he likes to know that I care about him.<br />
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5. I have found that being civil in a fight, or giving an act of kindness to him (and vise versa) even if we are fighting helps us know that we still care for each other. I try to show him as much love as I can without having a major history of him. We still find out things about each other, and I use them to my advantage when times are good (example, I found out that he loves the smell of jasmine, so once I found a jasmine home perfume and sprayed it in our home secretly. When he figured it out, he was so happy to know that I had done something just for him on the sly), and in return, he does the same (he picks me flowers sometimes). Being civil and sensitive to the others likes/needs in good times and in bad help us to remember our own feelings as well as theirs. We are all human, and would rather feel good than bad (at least I hope). If we can remember that and treat others in the way we want to be treated, that helps us get along better.<br />
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6. I do find myself doing a lot of the housework because I wait for him to do it and he will always conveniently forget. I have found that if I ask him kindly to do it when I am doing other works (to show that I am willing to be washing the dishes if he sweeps the floor) then things get done faster. We only have one item that we do wage this war on – the trash. Whoever puts the last thing in the trash that makes any of it topple has to take it out. Fortunately so far I have had more grace with balancing trash than he has LOL!<br />
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7. When boundaries and ideals were not defined, this happened a lot of the time. We did not know each other and did not know what topics to skirt or skip altogether. I once did say to him that I wish that I had never agreed to an arranged marriage in the heat of an argument and it broke his heart (by seeing his reaction). At first he was angry, but then was very quiet. He asked me if I felt that way truly or I just said it out of anger. He offered me a divorce although I know that it wasn’t what he really wanted. He told me that he wanted me to be happy with or without him and I could tell that he was very sad. I was sorry that I had said what I did, but it gave me a look into who I had actually married.

Sounds like you give it 110%.

Marriage is work and it works when both parties agree that it takes work.

Hey Jake,<br />
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Thanks for the question...<br />
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There is never one problem couples universally focus upon...try and anticipate money issues or jealosy or space....will be like trying to hold a fist full of sand....there will be something else unintended that becomes the pea under the matress. When couples are in love...the threshhold for annoyance is much higher..... Catch a couple in a volitile phase and spilled milk becomes a major issue...<br />
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Our problem is not the arguing...ours (hers) is holding offense in...holding it down deep and letting it fester and grow....and not saying a word.... Then BOOM 6 months, 12 months, 2 years later....I hear...and you didn't let me get the Christmas tree I wanted in 1997....<br />
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I used to see and hear about couples that actually argued...loud vocalizations... And I thought...por them...how sad...how ignorant... Now I see that that actually may be healthy...certainly more healthy than what I have. I think it was the first comment that said don't go to bed mad...That's super advice!!!

LOL! about the christmas tree comment.

Pragologist needs help! Please go to “The Clockmaker” and join in on the “Queen Nefertiti Itch”

All of the previous comments sum up what I would say.

Too many questions, too much temptation to be too analytical. I have several friends in my life that bring out the best in me and I live an accomplished life, happy most times, reckless sometimes. My best and dearest friend is my husband, unfortunately we live together and he has a fantasy that one day he will have a wife like those boring women they describe in the Bible. If I did not love him so much, I would divorce him and let him go find one. But since they do not exist, we have stayed married for 28 years. My husband is my rock and anchor, he is predictable in the same and opposite way that I am unpredictable. He brings calm and routine to my life in ways that I could not without him. I bring experience and excitement to his in ways that would never occur for him alone. This is the second marriage for both of us, he has by the nature of who he is created the same unhappiness for himself in this marriage as he did in the first and in some ways I respond the same as his first wife. I leave without saying where I am going and sometimes stay away for a couple of days. I am not in an affair, never have been never will be, I am not looking for the perfect man, I am seeking my happy and contented self. Unfortunately those things are not about him. I am a bit different in this marriage than the first because I have a hard time being consistent, so in this case that is good. We are getting old now, the fights are less vitriolic we never have had physical fights, that was the deal breaker in the marriage if that occured. The hurtful things said on the part of the both of us, yes have left its damage in the relationship. I hated his mother and unfortunately let him know that I thought her to border on retardation (ouch) and he once told me I was nothing when he met me and am still nothing. He denies it (he denies most things either really can't remember or jus lying) <br />
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My daughter now very grown up age 35 tells us that now that we are quite old we have totally reverted or defaulted to who we really are as people, beliefs and personalities. We do not have the children in the home to keep us from looking at each other and we will not change who we are because fortunately each of us likes each other. He still goes to work and does the same boring *** thing every day, catches the same bus, eats the same breakfast, my God slit my throat. But how does the mortgage and utilities get paid without this? They don't, so I support this have creative dinners cooked and keep the house clean and linen changed, how much intelligence does this take? I worked for years, I retired early, I had a real life to live and I live it fully. I volunteer on issue of passion; children, education, guns, homelessness. I write, paint furniture, give and gamble away my entire pension, what do I need it for. Any rainy days have already occurred and money was not the answer to the solution. We own four houses, I gave two to my daughters. <br />
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We take two vacations a year alone together during that time we laugh, watch movies, take long drives. He is out of the environment that drives his routine life and tends to accept doing different things. I try to make it exciting for him, even the sex. Oh the sex, non existent in the routine of the marriage. Good when it occurs, I do not crave sexual encounters anymore, I think he might have for awhile but it does not define our relationship, never has. It is like family dinners they did not define the family but we enjoyed them when they occured and no one is messed up because we did not sit down together every night and eat together.<br />
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So that is my marriage, I think my husband if he ever dug deep down where he lives and pulled out a very intimate feeling he would write something so different than I just wrote. But I was willing to participate in this discussion in ways that he never would. Too fragile, mother was yes a bit too disturbed herself to raise a child who could feel safe with a feeling, the routine meant no surprises. <br />
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So being raised differently, and living life differently actually has balanced our lives. So I am what I would call happily married because I am happy that I am married. I love not having too many responsibilities for feeding and sheltering myself. I like that my husband knows that when he is sick I will care for him, I nursed him through cancer, hernias, foot operations, asthma, (he is a healthy man who attracts illness for attention, I think that is the only way he got his mother to show any.) Since people do not stray far from who they are, he has brought this into the marriage, does things that do not garner attention and then gets sick to get attention, he can not help it. So because this involved two people and two personalities, I do something that makes me need to nurse and take care of him. We no longer sleep together, not sure if there is equal sharing in this, since I am the one who left the bedroom. I just deleted a made up reason for leaving the bedroom. One is I do not like the bed, it used to hurt my back but I got my back operated on and fixed and it is no longer a problem. Now I just think I love being in my own space and we have a home that gives us the privilege to have our own spaces. So, this is what your many questions got me to write. I most likely did not write the depth of my feelings they are safe where they are. I get to do whatever I please in our marriage and l think likewise for my husband. He is the most dissappointed in the way the marriage turned out following the I Do 28 years ago. I carried a daughter for him, it is the one person who absolutely adores him and she should he absolutely spoils her. She is worth spoiling but we assured her good and complete education. She is a nurse, she promises to care for us in our old age. Our other daughter who will always make good money promises to assure I am never homeless as I spend every dime I make and I have made many dimes. <br />
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I expect the marriage to last till death due us part.

Learn to let go in the middle of your frustration and have a sense of humor....remember the larger life that surrounds you...most irritations will melt away.... It is hard to live a shared life after living a solitary one and be really true to yourself while bridging with someone else.... it takes awareness, patience, caring, the ability to breathe in the midst of holding your breath and truly....humor...the ability to step outside yourself and smile, laugh be amused at how fiercely you will fight for such little things.... and it takes two to dance ... so both need to be flexible... get upset, but make sure you have a certain respect in it and a great recovery time.

Settling for less? Oh yea. If you want to get along and be happy, you have to give. Giving to one another feels good because it makes the other happy and when he's happy I am also. It the spouse is not too spoiled you'll get your return. Hopefully people will marry into true love and caring. If so, sharing, compromising will be much easier. I always heard in marraige you need to give 110%, just a bit more to make it work but, the spouse must too!

1. Money. Actually we don't argue about it, he does. He is completely obsessed with money. I have no income at all due to ill health. He will quite happily sit and argue with himself about money, inventing my answers for me. So no, I can't work around that one lol. Anal sex is another .. I'm not going to elaborate, you can search my experiences if you want more information.<br />
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2. Yes. I married him. I don't actually have any choice but to settle for him as he is do I. You can't change people!<br />
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3. Aaalllll the time. We do what he wants. He is the bread winner, so he is the boss.<br />
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4. I do my best not to do this, as he's a very volatile person. He does this to me though. Especially when he's been drinking.<br />
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5. No. I don't understand the question actually.<br />
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6. No lol. I have left things to see how long it'd take him to do them. He doesn't. He just doesn't see things that need doing (even if he's tripping over piles of things left on the stairs). <br />
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7. No. I learnt very early on (in my life, not marriage) that you have to watch your words extremely carefully. He on the other hand isn't so willing to bite his words.<br />
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When you messaged me you said you were looking for positive experiences. These questions actually seem designed to find negative ones!

1. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. This is best used on issues that are not marriage threatening, ie. I want kids, you don't. You can't exactly agree to disagree there. But It is ok to have different views on things, just don't try to make the other one feel bad for not agreeing with you. Try to listen to their side and really identify where they are coming from. Sometimes my hub and I will actually switch view points and argue the other's side for a few minutes. It can be really funny and break up that tention:)<br />
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2.Well, as for settling for less. I am not the most organized person, and my husband is. He is the one who has done the most settling on that topic. He takes on more responsibility in the home and tries not to expect as much out of me. Interestingly enough, this has made me want to become more organized and help him out alot more. I am sort of going through a whole life change thing with being organized right now. I think if he were to have just battled and battled me on this issue, I would have just turned off and quit listening. But since he showed love and understanding about the issue, it hit my heart that i want to be able to help him. You sort of have to choose your battles carefully, and be really patient with your spouse. The more you listen the more you learn. And the best advice I have ever gotten was this...<br />
"Listen with the intent of understanding, not with the intent of answering." <br />
When your spouse is talking (or yelling) at you, do your best to really listen and understand. It is amazing what you miss when you are just thinking the whole time about what you are going to say next. <br />
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3. For the most part my husband and I are horribly indecisive. We don't really argue that much about what one wants vs. what the other wants. Not at all actually, I think we tend to get more upset that there isn't ever a solid rock hard plan about things. So I am not the best one to offer advice on this one. ;)<br />
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4. Can you think of any of your spouse's buttons that you push even though you know they're buttons? <br />
Oh boy! This has been a real learning curve for us. We used to just push push push push! I hav3e really learned that this kind of arguing gets you nowhere. It becomes a game of "one up". How can I say something meaner and more hurtful next. Instead of focusing on the issue that is causing you to WANT to push those buttons, you just become mean and nasty to each other. We have both promised to avoid purposeless hurtful comments. Constructive critisisms are great, when given lovingly, but name calling and button pushing can really lead you down a harsh hurtful unforgiving road. <br />
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5.Have you figured out ways to respond to your spouse that work better than others?<br />
Once again, listen with the intent to understand. Just listen. Even if you are not agreing with each other, if you are sincerely listening things will go alot smoother. I have also been really trying to pick my battles better. If there is something just eating me up inside, I will write it down and wait a day. I will go back to it the next day and decide if it is still worth bringing up. About 75% of the time I decide that it isn't worth it anymore, or that I am not actually that upset over it anymore! Our emotions can get the best of us when we are heated, that isn't always a good thing. <br />
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6. This war is never good. It always blows up in the end. Pride needs to be swallowed on both parts and you need to agree to do it together. Even though it sucks, and it is the last thing that the two of you want to do together (let alone to even be together). Chances are you will end up laughing at yourselves and each other in the midst of the task, and end the argument or tension. <br />
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7.Can you think of a time when you said something to your spouse, either in the heat of the moment, or just without thinking, and then regretted it?<br />
Unfortunately, I can think of several times. I will regret some of these moments forever. But the funny thing is, I don't regret a single moment when I decided NOT to say something. <br />
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To add my own personal note:<br />
Love is a choice. I choose to love my husband everyday. Sometimes the choice is wonderful and easy, and other times it is as easy as trying to swallow a handful of sand! But every morning when I wake up and see him, I say to myself, "I choose to love you today." We live in a world of "easy outs". You can do just about anything either on line or in a drive through and people are just so open to jumping ship when things get akward or hard. It is not always easy, it is not like the movies, but the harder you work for it the better it feels as every year goes by. Good luck!!! I know that you will continue to be the best husband you can to your wife. She deserves it, and you do too.

yeah married I am..for a long nearly 24 years...or is it 25? would I do it again? not so sure. nothing in common except kids who are no longer at home. Sex...not much in the last 9 years. Why don;t I leave? I don't wanna do to my kids what my parents did to me. HELP!

So many questions - I need another window.<br />
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1. We have never had an arguement, we are too level headed, we have had challenges and problems like everyone else, we just handled them together.<br />
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2. The whole world would be better off of they just did what I told them to do, morons, acting as if they had minds of their own. I have to be stuck with settling for less from everyone else around me, I can certainly not expect 100% perfection at all times from my wife.<br />
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3. She wanted to get a dog, I did not, we got a dog, we are going to make a trip back to my hometown in a month, can anyone watch our dog for two weeks?<br />
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4. This would be immature and unwise, if not a justification for domestic violence. <br />
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5. Never been a real issue, maybe we are lucky.<br />
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6. No.<br />
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7. No.<br />
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Thought this may be relevant.<br />
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We have been together for over 25 years, we came from seriously messed up families, they say you can't choose your family, but there is one exception, and there is not a day that I am not grateful for the choice I made.

EXACTLY WHAT daisy22loca SAID.. EVERY WORD SHE SAID!! Recommended 1000 times!<br />
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I've only been married for 2 years. We literally met online, met in real life, and got married within the course of two months. I ran from a very abusive relationship to be with my husband. And... I got real lucky I guess. My husband is super pwnage awesome amazing. He claims I am too. I know we are new but we have not had one fight yet. We just agree on everything! He is my absolute best friend in the universe. I hear about other couples arguments and their problems and it shows me how very blessed we are. <br />
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I don't believe in advice or preparation about marriage. I don't believe you can better understand it or improve it, because everyone is so individualistic and diverse. Because everyone handles situations so particularly. <br />
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To me, it's about your own life and your partners own life. Together.<br />
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Life IS a journey. It flows with obstacles and blessings and hardships and crisis. It can get hard and confusing. Especially when you're alone, no one is prepared for life.. and having this life with another person?<br />
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A marriage IS A PARTNERSHIP. <br />
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i.m.o. ,<br />
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I believe you should go soul searching before you marry.. I mean really ask yourself the important questions, the things that matter. Even the little things, because they affect your life and do matter. Realize what you want out of life, what you want for yourself, and then what kind of person you want and if you are willing to share and commit your life with that person. <br />
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You should also reflect, just deep inside yourself for any flaws you might have. Are you selfish or demanding? Are you judgmental or envious? Are you too stubborn or proud? Be honest to yourself. If you are, are you willing and/or able to change for the better and/or for your spouse?<br />
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note: if you want the person to change, then the person was not meant for you. sorry. it's true. it will just create turmoil.<br />
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When you do know and you marry "the one." You get to learn about them. His/Her behavior, their traits, their habits, their pet peeves, etc. There is no majestic magic rule to fix the idiocy, foolish bs in your marriage. You just live and learn. <br />
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Communication is key. But NO SPLUH! It's always key in life, you're not gonna put up with some jag off who is just pi ssing you off .. So why would you put up with it, when it's the person you love? You're not. You Shouldn't! Talk about it. <br />
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If it turns into an argument. Then something is wrong. It should never get too far. Maybe you're not understanding something, maybe your partner isn't understanding you. One of you is being selfish. Be reasonable, understanding, and compromise. Be fair and just. Treat others as how you want to be treated. Just love each other! with all your heart! The world is both ugly and beautiful, so is life. and thus so can be marriage. <br />
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It's elementary. But again. I'm still somewhat of a newly wed. lol

That was great, I love it!