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I Have a Question For All the Married People Out There...

 

I want to know how to better understand marriage and how to improve it. I would love to hear your first-person examples of situations in which you have either succeeded or failed to effect cooperation with your partner.

 

Maybe you've figured out some good techniques you can share, or maybe you're still searching for solutions. Here are some examples of what she means: 

 

1. Can you think of any topics that you and your partner repeatedly argue about? If so, have you found a way to stop going around in circles or are you stuck?

 

2. Can you think of a time when you have settled for less from your partner? Not in a bad way, but in the sense of compromise. For example, you wanted him/her to see it your way or do it your way and you figured out a middle way where you could live with less than your ideal and still be happy? Can you think of a time when you haven't been able to settle for less and what happened as a result?

 

3. Can you think of a time when one of you wanted to do one thing and the other wanted to do something else? How did you resolve it or did you not? Could be big things (where you live) or small things (what to do on a Saturday night).

 

4. Can you think of any of your spouse's buttons that you push even though you know they're buttons? Does he/she do the same to you? Why do one or the other of you use that tactic or why don't you?

 

5. Have you figured out ways to respond to your spouse that work better than others?

 

6. Can you think of a time when you or your spouse has waged a war of attrition? In other words, something needed to get done, neither of you wanted to do it, so you both waited, hoping the other would finally do it? How'd it work out?

 

7. Can you think of a time when you said something to your spouse, either in the heat of the moment, or just without thinking, and then regretted it?

 

I look forward to your comments.  Please feel free to tackle anyone of the above from #1 to #7 or add your own thoughts to this thread.

 

Cheers!

EPJake

 

EPjake EPjake 26-30, M 104 Responses Aug 13, 2009

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Considering that I'm currently saving for my great escape I am glad to have found this.
My husband and I are complete opposites. When a row occurs we are like a match to dynamite. He deliberately goes out of his way to say/do things to hurt me and it's usually "out of anger" whereas, I won't say anything hurtful unless I mean it. After speaking to others in similar circumstances I have become aware of how blind I have been and that I am in a somewhat toxic and abusive relationship. My failure and faults in this marriage are firstly, I am too forgiving for what ever reason (tothe point I am a doormat) secondly, I have been weak and haven't voiced or taken action sooner which has lead me to this predicament. This wasn't what I expected/wanted or dreamt.. but my fear of being a statistic is melting. I would rather be divorced that live in this house I can't call home.

Most your questions can be answered through my divorce. She only ever cared about money. And ended up stealing our life savings, and just leaving a note saying she is gone. Especially question number 5. The legal matter was the only response that got any action. But it took 2 years the get any type of communication, or settlement. And after 2 years it still going on.

Still searching! I think the part to remember is that your a partnership. the feelings and desires of the partnership are whats important. this means compromise, compromise, and more compromise. Marriage is a give and take proposition. My wife takes, and takes without much thought of giving. Her idea of compromise is doing the laundry! Sheesh.

We used to argue all of the time because I was controlling. I've learnt to let my husband lead and I follow. Our marriage is so much better now.

Peace be with you.

that is right

Marriage is Compromise ............... sooner you learn it the better .

We have been married for 24 yrs, and by no means, a marriage isn't perfect. The one main arguement, money. Best advice I can give, compromise, and communication. They always say, never go to bed angry with each other, yea right.You will, sleep on it, and usually, most of the time, be patient, and situation will work itself out. Remember, love goes far.

My grandmother told me once, never go to bed angry with each other. I tried. but got little sleep. My wife usually sleeps on the problem, then awakes angry! I run!
You can only rehash the same problem so many times. Once a mistake is made, it should be addressed, but for god's sake move on! You can't change the past!

You've really taken 2 important steps : recognizing what bothers you and thinking this out to come up with questions. It would be easy to say you needs counselor but it would be great if you and your wife could discuss these things. <br />
#1 changed all the time for me<br />
#2 all the time, you are living with this person someone has to give . Just make sure it's not the same person each time. Don't just give in to make it easier. But also don't stand your ground just to win the fight , only if it's important enough <br />
#3 I was the passive one so I did what he said<br />
#4 no I can't imagine ever doing this. I spent my marriage avoiding land mines<br />
#5 nope... I'm divorced <br />
#6 no.. I was too much of a clean freak to sweat this one out. Ok ,maybe. I hated making his appointments so i would wait for him to demand that I make it. Even then he'd complain and have me change them. Very frustrating <br />
#7 my divorce lawyer said something really important "words are like daggers "<br />
Yes they are and sometimes I would have rather taken a stabbing than to hear another mean thing come from his mouth. <br />
<br />
But what do I know? I am divorced . I just came here to look at your cute dog!

I try to forgive my husband for anything that he has done to hurt me or make me upset, because we are all human and we make mistakes. I give him a clean slate everyday...or at least try to. I don't try to change him....if I wanted to change him I should have married someone else. I try not to rely on him for my happiness...we are all responsible for our own happiness. Sometimes I put myself in the position of a girlfriend...because a girlfriend doesn't get upset about trash not be taken out, in law drama, or errands etc. She just goes with the flow and has fun! lol. We make mountains out of molehills as women. We look way to deep into things. Hope this helps.

I think You need to see a Councillor for all your Marriage problems instead of putting on these forums, as You Mr E.Pjake, will will only get a lot of strange arguements and nasty comments from unqualified "****-heads" Theses sort of matters are only between you and your partner, OK, so, if your 'REAL" and I have no reason to believe that your not, please take my advice, I am a real person that lives in New Zealand and a Male as well, in my late 60's and have been married for over 40yrs,thats all I'm going to say about myself....SO Mr E.Pjake take things easy, and look after yourself and, AGAIN, please follow my ADVICE,for what its worth.ok.....

In my personal experience, I' ve been married for two years, so is not much but damn it was hard at the beginning all you wrote happened to us! there was even a time that i though we fight so much that i felt i almost hated him and I'm pretty sure he felt the same way. for every fight i always reminded myself of the "Never go to bed angry at each other" so i used to go far away from him or send him to the other room specially if he did something, so all that was really i guess not compromising each other, not communication, and just being selfish and proud. which in a good marriage proud does not exist but forgiveness, so one day on facebook i was pissed off at my husband for something he did or told me, and i saw this picture from a christian site that said "choose just to look the good on your husband" Man!! i dont know what happened but, I star thinking on all he does for me, and how my life would be if our marriage ends, and i stop fighting and if he was starting a fight, i decided to be the one who will not insult and just heard, turns out that when you do that eventually they will apologize and treat you better, respect you more. as more i look the good in him, he sees the good in me, so we start loving, caring and respecting more, and when we do argue now about a place to go or something big, we try to think in the other one needs more than yours. so definitely make the marriage in such a good armony. I was so proud, proud and marriage will never work cause you are supposed to be one!

We have been married for 35 years and the best thing I can say is, it's all about how you deal with not getting what you want. Give as much as you get and don't sweat the little stuff. <br />
Just my 2 cents.

Marriage is wayyyy overrated....it is wayy too much work. Unless its something you really want, don't do it

Lol. Of course!

I've been married for 43 years and have no clue as to how to answer most of your questions because the idea of button pushing, and waiting for my wife to do something that needed to be done that I could do, but was too lazy to do, and so froth are things we don't do. We do have issues about money because I tend to spend more than she does. I practiced law for 23 years and found that people who have issues in their marriage built around the perimeters of your questions usually just failed as marriages.

Ok I have one my Grand Mother told me. I really never did this and I regret it.<br />
She said "Never go to bed angry at each other" This means if it takes two days...don sleep on the anger, settle it, resovle it..makes up. then hold each other tight through the night.<br />
<br />
The other issue is arguments...we all have them and always will. Just don't make it personal. Don't be so proud you can't back down. Compromise will do you both good. ( 33 yrs)

1. be best friends like communicate about anything and everything without secrets.<br />
2. Never say anything mean while you are mad at each other because you can't take it back.<br />
3. Compromise. There are always solutions in any situations.<br />
4. be honest about your feelings. <br />
5. walk away from an argument, come back when both are calm.<br />
<br />
I don't like to argue with a person because it is pointless. Especially if that person has a controlling personality.

Strange but it works for us. My wife and I decided to enjoy the 90% of each other that we really admire and love. The 10% we dislike about each other we throw away, it is forgiven.

My wife and I get along fabulously. Our marriage is not perfect because life is not perfect and we are not perfect. We have had our moments when we havent seen eye to eye and even butted heads a bit, but we have never had a severe argument in our history together. Why? I dont really know. The only answer I gan give is respect for each other, trust in each other, faith in each other. We have quite abit in common, we have an understanding of each other, and we dont have unrealistic expectations of each other. We are very much in love with each other, but we are also the best of friends too. We have always known we have something special, different, and perhaps even rare and unique. We have just naturally fit together, the "lots of hard work" said about marriage and relationships has just never really been a reality for us. We are each other's source of courage, strength, and comfort. How is this possible? Again, I dont know....but I m just being thankful for it and enjoying it, not questioning it. The best way I can describe it is that we were just meant to be together. We were made for each other. Are there things I dont like or get frustrated about? Of course....but the things that are good and right greatly outweigh the things that arent.

Hi! I would like to add some input, please. I have been married 2 times- both have been "YING-YANG" My first, I was being driven to the place to marry my first husband (He was Jewish, and I am Christian) and I told my sister who was driving me to go somewhere else- because I started to have second thoughts about it. I really should have driven somewhere else. The marriage was a disaster. One year after we married, I lay on my bed and cried my eyes out because I knew it wasn't going to last. 7 years later, we started divorce proceedings- and on January 27, 1999, 10 years after crying my eyes out, we were divorced. Marriage #2- I met him 1 year after my dad died- he lived across the street from me. I did a lot of drugs back then (with my first, too) and he came to my door and asked me to get him some. Anyway, he asked me to marry him 1 month later, and I said yes. It took me 26 years to finally get off my addiction to cocaine, and he helped me do it. #1- do NOT get married if you have an addiction. #2 It is really good if you sleep in separate bedrooms (Especially if one is snoring, messy, steals the covers, ect) you will wake up the next morning with a SMILE on your face, and then, go in and give your sweetie a BIG kiss. Also, if you DO get into a fight, you'll suddenly want attention, and you'll get over it quicker if you sulk IN YOUR OWN ROOM. Then, go in and give your sweetie a BIG kiss and make up. You also won't have to tell you sweetie to go sleep on the couch. Just tell him or her, "GO TO YOUR ROOM" and that's it! After 2 marriages, spanning over 23 years, Im proud to say I've finally got it figured out. I hope this helps!!

Jake, I've been married for 9 years and it's still good. He works too much and I accept that he needs to do this for himself. It's to further HIS goals but he's a better mate if he feels he's accomplishing his goals, so I accept it. Marriage is always about give and take. I feel I compromise as much as he does but we do it to maintain harmony. Sometimes we set up a sort of game where he gets the compromise one time and I get the next one. It can take sticky situations and make them almost fun!<br />
<br />
In my marriage we try to approach each other with calm kindness. If we're miffed at one another we allow ourselves time to cool off before we try to talk it out. But it's very important that issues, even the small ones get "talked out" if you don't they grow and fester into bigger issues down the road. I try not to be a bitchy nag and he tries not to be an arrogant ,pushy *******. We both fail sometimes but then we work to find the humor in our flaws and we BOTH accept the fact that we BOTH have them. Trying to avoid a "one-sided" perspective is vital.<br />
<br />
I don't play "victim" and he doesn't play "misunderstood" Those are two good cards to stay away from unless they are a fact.<br />
<br />
Really listen to each other too. So many divorces come about because folks only want to recognize their side in a dispute. Know and own your side but take the time to listen to the partner too. Beyond all this HAVE FUN with each other. Life is about way more than fighting and complaining. Some people get addicted to their problems and create them even when they don't really exist just to have a fresh supply of something to whine and ***** about. <br />
<br />
Be best friends as well as lovers and mates. Practice being each others playmate too!! It's unhealthy to be TOO adult-like for long stretches of time. <br />
<br />
Talk-Talk-Listen and PLAY.......TTLP!

The one subject we argue over on a regular basis is our children. When you have children, married or not, they bring a whole new dinamic to your relationship. As a father I love my boys hugely, but I am of the opinion/beleif that my job is to bring them up to survive in this world once they leave me (whenever that may be) and so I focus on teaching them skills and techniques, like playing football, riding bikes, DIY, interacting with people and dealing with conflict. My wife on the other hand is totally emotionally immersed in them. Which is hardly surprising as she gave birth to them! She wants to protect them from harm and cannot immagine the day when they fly the nest.. <br />
With these two (sometimes) opposing views we are going to differ and row.<br />
When the boys are on school holidays, my wife likes to be with them every waking moment (a great thing) but I want some "us" time. So I start asking for the boys to go to bed at 11pm and my wife will argue that they stay with us until 2am... This is a simple example and there are a lot more dinamics going on in reality, but the root "desire" is causing a conflict.

There is a secret to having a happy marriage. I have learned that before anything, you have to be good lover. We place our own needs on the back burner because we wrongfully thing that by doing so we can be better parents. This is what we did and it was the beginning of what could have destroyed it all. Most people dont understand how being sexually fulfilled makes you a better parent... but it does. The reason it does is because if you don't, eventually you will end up as a single parent. <br />
<br />
Not long ago that is exactly the cross roads my wife and I found ourselves at. The spark between us had all but gone. We had become more room mates than lovers, Our sex life had become so routine that it sometimes felt like a chore. We really had to do some soul searching and have honest conversation about what we wanted. We decided that we would make a serious effort to rekindle the spark we once had and that we would search for ways that can make our sex life satisfying. <br />
<br />
We began expirimenting with differant ways to inhance our play time. We made a point of keeping an open mind and exploring different ways that enable us to discover what really turns us on. We played with the concept of power and control and discovered that there are aspects of ourselves we did not know were there, but none the less can offer an experience that opens up a whole new area that we are now finding very satisfying. Now we have a whole new way to enjoy our sex life and see ways of always making it better. This is exciting and has brought my wife and I closer together than we had ever been. Who would have thought that the secret to saving our family would be adding an element to our sex life that offers a way that lets us step away from being daddy and mommy, and has given us freedom to allow ourselves to experience parts of ourselves that had always been hidden. We opened the door to real honesty with ourselves and eachother. We fostered a trust and intimacy that allowed us to explore all of the secret desires everyone has but most are affraid to admit. Often these urges do not fit with the person we are in everyday life so they are instinctually surpessed. We have discovered that if it is ok to set a time where we free ourselves from our lifes and because we feel safe in an enviroment of trust and acceptance we can explore parts of ourselves is only for our partners to see.<br />
<br />
I am sure that if everyone in a marrage remembers to put their own needs as someting just as important as everything else, there will be less divorce and people that are happier and deeply fulfilled. If you become the lover your partner needs, and she becomes the lover you crave, everything else in life becomes better. A person who experiences real personal fulfillment will be a better person, a better parent, worker, or anything else. <br />
<br />
It is a shame that so often we view self endulgence as something to be shuned, and we see the exploration of sex and sexuality as something that is just for deviants. It is this attitude that holds us back by placing judgements and limitations on the very thing that has the ability to foster an intimacy and happiness that allows us to enjoy a quality of life that an unfullfilled person can never understand,

My wife and I have occasionally had a "war of attrition" as to who is going to get up to our crying baby in the middle of the night. I can now successfully sleep though both my alarm and her kicking me! :)<br />
<br />
I've since had to change alarms so I can get to work on time.

Most disputes in a relationship center on the question of power, on decision making.<br />
<br />
My lovely wife (AKA, "My reason for living") and I (AKA "Her first husband") have divided all decision making authority right down the middle.<br />
<br />
And that is why we never fight.<br />
<br />
Accordingly, I make all the big decisions, she makes all the small decisions.<br />
<br />
You may be wondering what small decisions I allow the little woman to make?<br />
<br />
You know... the small decisions. Whether we get married or divorced, whether we have kids (and how many?), whether we rent or buy, Maine or California, work or grad school, etc.<br />
<br />
I, on the other hand, make all the big decisions. Such as:<br />
<br />
What is the class character of the PLO (Hamas, Palesyinian Authority, Hezbollah, etc.).<br />
<br />
Is there, or is there not, a god?<br />
<br />
Who, exactly, benefited from Nazism?<br />
<br />
So, there you have it. Divide decision making authority right down the middle and you will experience clear relationship sailing.

OMG LOL so funny.

Marriage is hard work, i have been married for four years but been with him for five years. I am still learning on how to involve my husband in a lot of things. My first marrigae i was married for ten years and was in the military so i was the bread maker. And i pretty much did everything from paying the bills to taking care of the kids. My ex did nothing but wanted to hang out with other people and try to be the big baller that he was not. Now with the marriage it is different. My husband now is who i was in my first marriage and it is hard for me to step down and let him take charge. So we argue about how i pay the bills to how i raise my kids from my first marriage. he likes to be in control of everything and that was the way his dad was, but me i do not like to be control or told what or how to do things. But i am learning it is hard but i guess some point you have to compromise.

I want to know how to better understand marriage and how to improve it. I would love to hear your first-person examples of situations in which you have either succeeded or failed to effect cooperation with your partner.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Maybe you've figured out some good techniques you can share, or maybe you're still searching for solutions. Here are some examples of what she means: <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
1. Can you think of any topics that you and your partner repeatedly argue about? If so, have you found a way to stop going around in circles or are you stuck?<br />
<br />
Money ... and the kids.. It seems to be a universal issue that really has no solution.. If I could give any advise to couples planning to get married , I would say make sure they were compatible in this regard.We have sorta came to a truce but to have a complete problem solved , no we haven't<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
2. Can you think of a time when you have settled for less from your partner? Not in a bad way, but in the sense of compromise. For example, you wanted him/her to see it your way or do it your way and you figured out a middle way where you could live with less than your ideal and still be happy? Can you think of a time when you haven't been able to settle for less and what happened as a result?<br />
I tend to compromise in the relationship but so does my hubby. I believe that there are gonna be times ,regardless which side,where your gonna have to compromise and your not gonna get everything your way . <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
3. Can you think of a time when one of you wanted to do one thing and the other wanted to do something else? How did you resolve it or did you not? Could be big things (where you live) or small things (what to do on a Saturday night).<br />
Thank fully , we have pretty much the same tastes BUT there are times when we do disagree. Recently , hubby wanted to go the lake and I just wasn't up to it..It really irritated him but I just wasn't in the mood and nothing was gonna make me go .<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
4. Can you think of any of your spouse's buttons that you push even though you know they're buttons? Does he/she do the same to you? Why do one or the other of you use that tactic or why don't you?<br />
Wow , this is a good one. For me it's money .. If he really ****** me off , I will spend money . It's about the only thing that ****** him off because he is a miser worse than scrooge. I know it's wrong and no it has nothing to do with the 1st question before you ask lol.. <br />
As far as him irritating me. I believe he uses his hearing or lack of to irritate me.I say something and he will act like he doesn't hear me which sends me into a serious pissed off mode.<br />
<br />
<br />
5. Have you figured out ways to respond to your spouse that work better than others?<br />
<br />
Me and my Hubby are polar opposites which in this world should mean hair ripping out BUT we don't have to hard a time getting along.He is a very calm and quiet man while I am an emotional and sociable person. It took a long time to find a way to respond to his nature and the same for him to me.I do believe we have figured out a happy agreement between each other that helps both of us .. He needs to talk and I need to be held when we are down..<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
6. Can you think of a time when you or your spouse has waged a war of attrition? In other words, something needed to get done, neither of you wanted to do it, so you both waited, hoping the other would finally do it? How'd it work out?<br />
<br />
hahahahaa , ohhh yeah.. This has happened and it's usually me waging war with him because he starts things and doesn't finish them. Irritates me to know end. I am usually the one that will get things done because I can't stand to wait around and wait for it to get done. To be honest , I don't believe we have ever had a situation where neither one of us wanted to do it. It's usually either or..<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
7. Can you think of a time when you said something to your spouse, either in the heat of the moment, or just without thinking, and then regretted it?<br />
Many times . Me being the social one , I tend to open mouth and insert foot. <br />
<br />
Excellent questions by the way ... I think I just helped my marriage =)

I want to know how to better understand marriage and how to improve it. I would love to hear your first-person examples of situations in which you have either succeeded or failed to effect cooperation with your partner.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Maybe you've figured out some good techniques you can share, or maybe you're still searching for solutions. Here are some examples of what she means: <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
1. Can you think of any topics that you and your partner repeatedly argue about? If so, have you found a way to stop going around in circles or are you stuck?<br />
<br />
Money ... and the kids.. It seems to be a universal issue that really has no solution.. If I could give any advise to couples planning to get married , I would say make sure they were compatible in this regard.We have sorta came to a truce but to have a complete problem solved , no we haven't<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
2. Can you think of a time when you have settled for less from your partner? Not in a bad way, but in the sense of compromise. For example, you wanted him/her to see it your way or do it your way and you figured out a middle way where you could live with less than your ideal and still be happy? Can you think of a time when you haven't been able to settle for less and what happened as a result?<br />
I tend to compromise in the relationship but so does my hubby. I believe that there are gonna be times ,regardless which side,where your gonna have to compromise and your not gonna get everything your way . <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
3. Can you think of a time when one of you wanted to do one thing and the other wanted to do something else? How did you resolve it or did you not? Could be big things (where you live) or small things (what to do on a Saturday night).<br />
Thank fully , we have pretty much the same tastes BUT there are times when we do disagree. Recently , hubby wanted to go the lake and I just wasn't up to it..It really irritated him but I just wasn't in the mood and nothing was gonna make me go .<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
4. Can you think of any of your spouse's buttons that you push even though you know they're buttons? Does he/she do the same to you? Why do one or the other of you use that tactic or why don't you?<br />
Wow , this is a good one. For me it's money .. If he really ****** me off , I will spend money . It's about the only thing that ****** him off because he is a miser worse than scrooge. I know it's wrong and no it has nothing to do with the 1st question before you ask lol.. <br />
As far as him irritating me. I believe he uses his hearing or lack of to irritate me.I say something and he will act like he doesn't hear me which sends me into a serious pissed off mode.<br />
<br />
<br />
5. Have you figured out ways to respond to your spouse that work better than others?<br />
<br />
Me and my Hubby are polar opposites which in this world should mean hair ripping out BUT we don't have to hard a time getting along.He is a very calm and quiet man while I am an emotional and sociable person. It took a long time to find a way to respond to his nature and the same for him to me.I do believe we have figured out a happy agreement between each other that helps both of us .. He needs to talk and I need to be held when we are down..<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
6. Can you think of a time when you or your spouse has waged a war of attrition? In other words, something needed to get done, neither of you wanted to do it, so you both waited, hoping the other would finally do it? How'd it work out?<br />
<br />
hahahahaa , ohhh yeah.. This has happened and it's usually me waging war with him because he starts things and doesn't finish them. Irritates me to know end. I am usually the one that will get things done because I can't stand to wait around and wait for it to get done. To be honest , I don't believe we have ever had a situation where neither one of us wanted to do it. It's usually either or..<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
7. Can you think of a time when you said something to your spouse, either in the heat of the moment, or just without thinking, and then regretted it?<br />
Many times . Me being the social one , I tend to open mouth and insert foot. <br />
<br />
Excellent questions by the way ... I think I just helped my marriage =)

Married 49 yrs....answer to long married life "assuming thats what you want of course"... sometimes I wonder:)<br />
<br />
Always place any problem you have, outside of your relationship and invite your partner to look at it with you together to solve it cos 2 heads working on any problem to solve it together is always better than one against one butting heads or one on its own.... <br />
<br />
Tip: Always Get rid of your own anger on your own first with no witnesses!!!! No one deserves your crap no matter how justified you think it is...<br />
<br />
It takes blame out of the equation, makes for good communication and improves your problem solving skills and brings you closer together working for harmony in your relationship and expands into life around you....

I just have to say, thanks to all of you for answering these questions. I am recently engaged and new issues seem to come up in our relationship every week. We feel so upset wondering, "Is it just us? Are we really meant to be?" It's nice to see that people who have been together for decades have some of the same issues we do, silly fights, etc. Your advice is much appreciated.