Never to Say Goodbye

I am a masochist. I have been sense I was ten. I try vary hard not to be I really do but if I got to long with out cutting my skin or giving it pain in some way it starts to itch. Soon it drives my mad.

I was 11 when people started to notice I was warring long selves in the summer. My mother asked why I told her that I was too cold. She left it. I started being more careful, I started to cut my back and legs place that where hard to reach but where not seen vary offend.


when I was 13 I cut one too deep in a attempted to stop the bleeding I tried to burn it shut. well needless to say I have to go to the hospital. when they checked me they could not believe what they were seeing they told my mother. When she saw it she told them to put my in a mental hospital.I stayed there for a month. Little know to any one at the time that would not be my only time.


After that my mom thought I was cured and it was easier to do what I need to. Soon I started to date a boy who was 16, I was at the time 14. He too was a masochist but he showed me so many way to hurt my self I soon fell in love.


It was a long hard road in the time between 14 and 17 I had gone back to the mental hospital five times. At 18 My lover the same boy I was going out with for four and a half year was in a car wreck and died. I though my life was over he was at the time and even now the only one who understood me.

Now I have to ware long slaves I can't pull my hair up nor can I swim. All of this was my own choice. I fear that one day this masochist that I am will kill me.

Like I have stated if I don't hurt then I Itch and go somewhat mad. I hope I will never cut to deep again or anything like that because this time I know there wont be any one to all 911. so with that as an over view of my life I ask for help so I don't end my life too soon by accident

willowdeadsunleahy willowdeadsunleahy
1 Response Mar 27, 2009

Wow, my family has not cought me yet and don't know what would happen if they do. You have had a hard life so far and I could never realy understand. All I can say for help is if you don't want to cut to deep then try and find a new way for pain like snapping ruber bands. Thats what my close friends are making me do because they found out and no one else has.