I Wish I Wasn't

On most days, I am doing pretty good. Today...not so much

I am a transexual male to female. For the sake of my children and wife I have vowed not to get surgery or take hormones. That is just what I feel I need to do for them.

My wife knows all about me. I have been completely open and she is staying with me. She does love me.

Well today for some reason we revisited how she does not accept me.

Now, she doesn't want me to pretend to be something I am not and yet doesn't accept who I am.

Rock, hard place....me
Kris99 Kris99
41-45, F
8 Responses Mar 15, 2010

I'm throwin' in my two cents--and I know I'm being a total gladiator doing so. <br />
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There's a group here with a title something like (and I'm sorry--I tried to look it up 'cause I know I can't edit this comment later, but I want to get this said): I wish my head could tell my heart what to do. <br />
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Sometimes in life--we want things to be clear cut, black and white. We'd feel a lot more emotionally secure that way. We'd have closure. We could stand on a decision. But a whole lot of life is about grey/gray areas. <br />
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"We" have been indoctrinated to believe there are two genders. There are more. Our language has not settled on naming them, because this culture has not settled our acceptance of this natural fact. People are born as individuals. We categorize them according to our stereotypes of gender and we really like to fixate on our decisions in this regard. <br />
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Your wife loves You. The two of you have a bond. Intimate and social parts of that bond depend on your relationship reflecting that each of you has traditional roles according to strictly defined stereotypes. For all the times that you wish it may/or may not be true, both of you intimately know what your personal reality is and what you think of those roles, and how you interact with them, and how you choose to play them out shifts with circumstance and situation. <br />
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Can you imagine seeing/being the one you love and watching the wrestling match they have with themselves, with society at large? What happens when you want for that person's happiness with all your heart, but know that giving that happiness may mean a very different life from the one you have now--not just for you, or them, but for your children as well, and for the relationship decisions they make in the future, and for the role models you are giving them with which they will raise their own children? It is a whole, whole lot.<br />
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Live each day in each moment. Embrace the randomness. Love is a Verb. Do it!

She never actually changed her mind. We were just not communicating well. I heard her tell me she had accepted me but then later she would say something that seemed to contradict that...so I would get all upset and hurt...<br />
<br />
I now understand what she thinks, mostly. While it<br />
is not the full acceptance I would like, it is something I can live with.<br />
<br />
She accepts I am who I say I am but to her that's a mixed person...

I am not sure how much you have read that I have written.<br />
<br />
I can tell you I do finally accept me as who I am. It was actually a big relief to do that. <br />
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Nevertheless, who I am is not who the world thinks I am. I find the thought of pretending to be a man to myself again disturbing. It's not my truth.<br />
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To my wife I am both. That is to say she sees me as both and neither. I know why and I accept that. It's not untrue...it's just that I lean toward the female side. <br />
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I was having problems in my relationship when I posted this. Very conflicting messages. We have cleared that mess up and while I would rather she sees me as a woman she, as I said before, sees me as both. She has seen me go back and forth and knows me better than anyone. She understands I am transexual...but she identifies all transexuals as in between <br />
I tried for a long time to not acknowledge it or express it but without fail I have taken actions that express it. I am unwilling to travel that road again without a new insight that changes my mind. I find that unlikely...but with God nothing is impossible.

Have you ever thought of yourself more as a man that just likes everything that women like?, or even just an androgionous(I hope that's spelled right) being, neither male or female.?<br />
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I mean what if your body is just the way it was meant to be, breasts and all, and you have been swayed to feel like it isn't normal by society, and that's why the way you're living doesn't feel normal?<br />
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I don't think that anyone understands what the term normal means anyway.<br />
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Just feel free to accept your masculinity and your femininity because from what I am hearing you're neither just male nor female, but both wrapped into one package, and you know what? That's ok.<br />
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*purely my opinion*<br />
I'm not trying to change your mind about anything.

That is a fair question but the answer is less than clear.<br />
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I think if you ask a hundred people you will get a hundred answers. <br />
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In my case I would say that rather than simply thinking I am supposed to be a woman, I just am.<br />
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I am wired much closer to that of a woman than a man. This is primarily in manerisms and probably thinking paterns...but I even developed breasts at puberty (gyne), of course now I am overweight but that only serves as a mask. I was filling out a C cup in high school.<br />
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I have no hostility to my body as it is but I would also not mind changing it. <br />
<br />
To many it just feels like it is the wrong<br />
body. To me body hair seems wrong but the penis seems neutral. Womens clothing seems right and I really enjoy the styles, textures, and colors.<br />
<br />
I was raised until I was an adult as a boy...lived as a man... But it always seemed wrong. Effortless...but wrong.<br />
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I am afraid I am rambling....it is 2am and I am so tired.

Hi Kris,<br />
<br />
I was wondering, what makes a person transexual? <br />
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I don't mean this in any negative way because I believe it is your basic human right to be whatever it is you think you are. <br />
<br />
I'm just curious to know what makes you think that you are supposed to be a woman?

That is such a hard place to be in. I hope you will eventually become who you were born to be :)