Me This Moment

Through out my life there has been ups and downs forced to grow up and become a man before my time. Became consumed by fear,depression,sadness,rejection and rage. tried many,many things on the outside to find peace on the inside...Relationship,drugs,booze, and material things..Well this caused me many problems, it became many temporary fixes.
i did not want to look within was not happy at what i was seeing.
I was Family said i was no good and started believing this
confusion set in. WHY why was i born, Why should i live.......i have nothing to offer...and had to high of a wall to receive..... this my life....Afraid to live Afraid to die.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
could not let no one in...NO no way ..back the f-ck want to hurt me,put me down,reject me,ABANDON ME.....i will not set my self up for that...i will push you away..
get you Before you get me..and one last kick while you are down
many fights,many rebelois ways...many lonely days.........
did not what to hurt the world no more ,did not want want to be hateful !!
DAMMIT i was a good KID...I was brainwashed..I was no good...****** brainwashed !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
well I did not no this, I believed this, I owned this, And dont want to live this....

Made an attempt on my life......Pause...................almost did not pull through 

didnt know
didnt ask
didnt trust
didnt care

Well once again i looked out side of myself to ans. my problem with ME..
BRAINWASHED with fucin fiction.. i was not the problem they were. i was a kid...a good kid...a caring kid...a loving kid..
WELL i owed ME big time..took me back..healed me..............
this is a process not an event, things are much different now.....
will explain more of my solutions to ME...... at a later time
I did not get F`cd over night
could not heal in over night
took work.........PEACE karma.
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10 Responses Sep 23, 2012

Look at the good side of things. You are one of the few that made it off the streets :) That by itself is an amazing feat :)

I totally relate to a lot of what you have expressed,you sound angry with life,I do too sometimes.We can only try our best in order to succeed.Please never do something in haste,if you are depressed ( I have been there and was lucky to survive ) please seek medical help.
I have written several stories here about my depression,if ever you need someone to talk to who has been there feel free to message me,I will always respond.

ty AQ! I try to respect and learn from my pain today.... this is a good place to seek supportive words and wisdom.

ty AQ! I try to respect and learn from my pain today.... this is a good place to seek supportive words and wisdom.

I had a destructive life since I can remember filled with wrong choices, isolation, family loss drugs, copedendecy from early childhood and end result ... utter chaos, mental disconnection from society, homelessness, left with an identity crisis ... also ?'ing my exsistance Trying to figure out who I really am... my true path, not living for others or to appease THEM just so I could get through the day. That was my personal hell...
I have been a member since 10/2010 but never had an oppurtunity to join in discussions.
I have read alot of interesting topics...
I am no longer a victim but a survivor of many dark and awful things some of my own doing and sharpening my tools to not wear my emotions on my sleeve so that I am vulnerable to anyone who looking to harm me in anyway.
I am a very complex person with layers of disfunction and unhealthy thinking patterns .. but i am a spiritual person today with a broken soul thriving again and in search of my purpose to be cleansed of all the wrong currently attempting to RISE and true path.... I love this site

I took the time to read your story and am happy that you have pulled through. I however doubt I will but am glad that things are okay for you.

Once a man told me "A bad man is what makes a good woman like you turn bad." It almost happened, but I knew how to pray for my heart. I've had family and friends use me and abuse me verbally. I never understood why because I was always there for them. My mother, my sister, my brothers, my aunt....there's got to be something wrong with me. It was me. I let them do it w/o making them accountable. Gradually I got it together and learned how to say no w/o long excuses or explanations. (Let them wonder why) I put them on my "**** list". Friends, stay away but still be nice. Do not accept invitations unless you want to, etc. Family, same deal. At family functions if you decide to go be nice but don't stay long. Have a rebirth. Don't depend on these people's company to authenticate you. Make new friends.. and handle situations with them differently.

You realised you had a problem and you now have a solution,yes it doesn't work over night but in the end you will be stronger ,keep looking forward and you find the peace your looking for!

You are here for many reasons
You have a lot of soul and heart
You touch people and care for them
You try to survive and make a living as best as you can
People here see that and care about you
Because you are real and you are yourself
That is what's truly important.
SURVIVE keep breathing and discover new purposes
If something gets in your way, its okay to retreat and find another way around it
You don't always have to confront it all by yourself
You have support in RL and EP
Remember this.
Love, Respect and Prayers to you friend.