I'm Messed Up

First off, my parents divorced when I was 1. I live with my mother and my step dad (who is a jerk).
My parents both have or have had depression in the past. My dad fixed himself and my mom is on medication. But I've been diagnosed with depression as well recently, but from my, and a lot of others' observations it's something a lot more severe than your normal clinical crap.
My mind works as if it's being controlled by someone other than myself, something or someone evil. I have deep, detailed thoughts about self-harm, self-hate and suicide. I can't control these thoughts. I can't make them stop ever. When they appear I start to have an extreme panic attack where I feel as if I can't breathe, I hear those terrible thoughts and they get louder, I claw at my skin and attempt to pull out all of my hair, and I cry immensely. My best friend recently left me because of this, because he's so fed up.
My step dad mentally abuses me on occasion and basically tells me I'm stupid and worthless and he only uses me to do work around the house.
My mom never understands what I go through and usually blames it all on teen angst.
I have weekly therapy sessions but with an undergraduate psychologist.
I hate to put blame on anyone right now, but my last romantic relationship left a lot of emotional damage. I'm completely over him now and we're friends and still talk quite a bit, because we didn't want to give that up, but there was still a lot of scars. I became so obsessed with getting his attention and trying to feel special and important and now do that with everyone so it scares people away. I feel as if I'll never be able to make friends and have a boyfriend ever again.
I barely see my real dad, but when I do he usually just sits on his stupid laptop all day and barely talks to me.
I wish things would be different. I wish I could just start over.

callmemrl callmemrl
1 Response Jan 1, 2012

I feel like that too right now, but i believe one thing. Everyone holds the key to happiness and right now I haven't managed to find it and you probely haven't yet either. I might just be sounding stupid but talk to your therapist about this