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I am 33 years old.  When I was 22, something happened in my life that shattered me emotionally.  At 22, I was just an ordinary girl with an ordinary life.  I had gotten pregnate when I was 19 by my boyfriend of only a short time and we decided to get married.  That would have made my daughter 3 years old when this happened.  My husband and I both had jobs and we lived in a nice house.  Neither of us really wanted to be in the marriage but we thought we were doing what was best for our daughter.  He worked 3rd shift and I worked 1st shift, so we rarely saw each other anyway. The day that my whole life changed was just like any other day.  I drove to the daycare and dropped off my daughter, then I headed to the pharmacy for a day of work as a pharmacy technician.  At 5pm my day was done and I headed back to the daycare to pick her up.  What happened during that drive is something that still haunts me to this very day.  The daycare was owned by a woman and actually built onto her house, so it was located in a residential area.  It was springtime so you could see kids playing in the yards of the houses I past, people sitting on their porches, etc.  The road was curvy and had lots of hills, so I wasn't driving fast.  About halfway to the daycare, I came to a big hill.  As I topped the hill with my car, what I saw next made my heart stop.  There was a little boy crossing the road on his bicycle!  With both of us on opposite sides of the hill, I couldn't see that he was on the other side and he couldn't see me coming.  So when I came over the hill, he was almost in the middle of the road, mostly directly in front of my car.  It all happened so fast....I reacted as fast as I could.  I knew there was no time to hit my brakes so I swerved as hard as I could, towards the other side of the road.  It just wasn't enough.  I can remember him hitting my windshield on the passenger side, I almost missed him.  I can remember seeing him fly up in the air and landing on the side of the road.  Immediately I jumped out of my car, with it still running and door wide open.  I ran over to where he lay.  Now remember this is a residential street lined with houses.  Other people were running over by that time.  The people who lived in the houses right where it happened were all outside, so they saw the whole thing.  I looked down at him, it looked like his leg may have been broken because it was bent at a very wrong angle.  There was no blood that I could see.  He was trying to move and making noises like he was trying to talk but everyone told him to be very still and don't move and the ambulance was on its way.  I was hysterical so another neighbor took me inside her house.  She said there was no need for me to see all that, upset as I was.  I remember telling her to call people for me.  She called the daycare because they were closing to explain, she called my husband, she called my parents.  I don't know how much time passed, the EMTs came and wanted to check me but I kept saying I was fine.  They said you're not fine, you have tiny peices of glass from the windshield embedded in your arm and neck and face.  So I let them do what they needed to do.  By that time everyone that I had called had shown up,,,,and so did the Highway Patrol.  They asked me a million questions.  They interviewed all the witnesses.  I had to walk them through what happened, even pointing out where he had landed.  This took hours.  All I wanted to do was get to the hospital so I could find out how bad he was hurt.  Finally, they said they were done and I could go to the hospital but only if they followed behind me.  When we got to the ER I flew in there like a crazy person, asking where he was, could I see him, is he ok....nobody would tell me anything.  The FIRST place they took me was into the chaplain's office and they closed the door.  I noticed a doctor, the chaplain, 2 more state troopers.  But my mind just wasn't putting it all together.  They told me to stick out my arm so they could draw blood to make sure I didn't have drugs or alcohol in my system. As soon as that was done, I yelled why won't you tell me anything!!!!  That's when the doctor stood up and said I'm sorry but he didn't make it.  Then I fainted.  The next thing I remember was waking up at home in my own bed, and it was like 2 days later.  The doctor had written a prescription for some sedatives and sleeping pills and gave it to my husband, told him to give it to me for a day or so.  As it turns out, the little boy I hit was 8 years old.  He lived on that street, but his house was a ways down from where the accident happened.  He was out riding his back by himself, nobody was watching him, there wasn't even anyone at his house.  His mother wasn't there, the cops and family kept looking for her.  So when he went to the hospital he had no one there with him.  God I hope he was unconcious cuz I know he musta been so scared.  Somebody finally found the mom in a bad part of town and she was high.  They ended up figuring out who his grandmother was so the hospital got in touch with her and she came up to the hospital but he had already passed away.  They gave her my name as the driver and she immediately recognized it.  She said that girl works at my pharmacy, she's a good person and she didn't mean to do this, so let's pray for her.  That meant alot to me. I don't know how long its gonna take before I can forgive myself, if I ever can.  Its so hard for me, cuz my son is 8 years old now.  I put him in that boy's shoes and it someone were to hit him even though it was an accident, I think I would have pure hatred in my heart for that person, for taking him away from me.  And its hard becuz I know that's how she feels about me.  That boy would have been 19 years old this year.  And it still hurts my heart like it happened just yesterday.  Please tell me how to ease this pain
jluvsjay0910 jluvsjay0910 31-35 8 Responses Mar 6, 2012

Your Response


Sweetheart, forgive yourself. There was nothing else you could do. Now is the time to move forward. Some things just cannot ever be explained, but in the end we have to accept them and move on. Hugs to you xox

I'm so sorry you have experienced this - this is such a tragedy.<br />
<br />
But Its difficult to understand just 'why' you still feel so guilty ( so much pain ) even though many many years have past... <br />
<br />
Are you sure there is no part of this that you know you could have done different but didn't? this may be an imagined thought maybe not but silently this is what I'm hearing. <br />
<br />
Death & Dying are really the only certainties we each have to face in this life. It will come to all of us and our loved ones at a particular age & in a particular way. the passage of time & Our experiences teach us this. <br />
<br />
If you feel you possibly could have done something different but didn't then you need to accept that you were placed in this scenario without choice .. & everything which happened there after was not pre meditated .<br />
The circ was then out of your hands & you had / have no way of turning the clock back. You need to let the memory / soul of this little boy rest in peace now . while you were instrumental in him leaving this world were not the whole cause. he was riding his bike at that place at that time & on that date ..his time. <br />
<br />
he's gone home has been for years now and you need to accept that this was not your choice.<br />
If you wish to honour his memory do so spreading your love and attention as much as you realistically can to each uncared for child that you ever encounter again<br />
. Most people wish to leave a legacy behind when they die - your giving love and attention to an unsuspecting child who needs it is a wonderful way to honour this little boy's memory. And a meaningful way to carry on.<br />
<br />
I wish you the peace that you very much deserve <br />
<br />
Cheri x

I appreciate your kind words and advice. No there is absolutely nothing that I could've done differently, nothing I could've done to make it happen any differently. I realize that. I guess the reason this bothers me so much is that I have never really dealt with it. Right after it happened, I tried the "stuff the hurt way down deep and pretend it never happened". After a while, that just wasn't working anymore so I started "self medicating". I found out rather quickly that getting high numbed the pain and that's exactly what I wanted. That turned into 10 years of addiction. I have been clean and sober now for almost a year and a half. A huge part of my recovery is learning how to deal with all of the things I've been numbing for years. There is no numbing now, and the pain is raw. It's like I'm feeling it for the first time. My therapist is helping me to deal with this and move on with my life. She is also an addiction specialist and she said that I'm just going through a sort of grieving process. Hopefully all will be will soon.

okay now I can understand why you've hardly been able to move on. I'm glad your trying an alternative way to get through stuff. ((hugs)) keep going it does get easier I promise!

In my opinion I believe you should learn to forgive yourself and accept that it was his time to go, clearly it wasn't deliberate. Sorry to hear all this.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Please forgive yourself for this unfortunate accident. Much love to you.

Things happen in life that are hard to accept.Once they have happened however,they have happened!There is nothing nothing that can be done about them.They are in the past.What can be done today is life.You can use life as each of us should.Not thinking about things that it,s not possible to change,but instead using happenings such as this for something good!Every dark cloud has a silver lining.Don,t look at the dark side of life,as i suspect you are.Look at the bright side of life.<br />
Help others by the ability you do have.Help children.The smiles they give are real healing.

I am so sorry. I would really suggest seeing a therapist that specializes in PTSD and grief counselling. Talking this out with a professional will really help you ease up and release some of this pain.

a horrible thing I am sorry for you all a support group would help

The first thing you need to do is forgive yourself. God knows you didn't mean to do it and so does everyone else including the little boy so don't be so hard on yourself. You need to stop blaming yourself, in a way and i don't want to make it seem like im being mean but it was meant to happen, you can't cheat death I learned that and it was God who thought the boy's time was ending, maybe he had something better planned for the boy considering his mother was getting high. Try to take it day by day and don't be so hard on yourself, try a support group.