When You Are Grateful The Abuse Happened To You

Hi, ok this is different to be able to share sories and maybe give anyone some hope or see the light at the end of a long dark tunnel. I am 33yrs old. my first memories before 5, are of violence between my father horribly beating my mother. My mother yelling and hitting me. And the sexual abuse that started by strangers hanging around using or buying drugs from my father. Things did change about 6 weeks after my baby brother was born.i was 5 there was a drug sting at our duplex. My father is still in prison for drug and murder charges. Then the anger came from my mother. I never understood her anger until having my own children. I do not physically discipline my own children.i try to go to the restroom off I get too angry. We havnt had it easy. Before my mom abandoned me I was bound, tortured and raped by her boyfriend at the age of 12. My mother is a paranoid crazy person, who said my aunts and uncles paid for that monster to do that To me. My mom left my brother and I with any person. Any ways, I'm grateful I could protect my younger brother until she left met behind.at least I could keep him safe from pepper other than me. The guilt I have for beating and being evil to my brother I can never forgive myself for. Im glad that I can try to be a better mother than my own mother and teach my n to know that when I have passed that they will need each other. I have disciplined my older 2 sons with out some one there to tell me enough. I am grateful for my husband and having my daughters in my 20 s vs being a teenage mom of 2 precious sons.all I can do is make the best of life now and use my past as a how not to guide for my kids. I still struggle with PTSD and being bi polar but at least I can somewhat enjoy life.
Jaclarke Jaclarke
31-35, F
7 Responses Apr 14, 2012

Well done girl, keep up the good work. God bless.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm new at being around Mom. Thank you for giving me hope. Hope to deal on her bad days and to make sure to protect my children on those bad days. I give the upmost respect to you Nova, for having such a generous nature after your horrible days that you survived. God bless jac

Hey, I was going through hell in my childhood as well, but my situation was not too obvious to other people, who could help - my poor, very sick mother did everything to hide our nightmare from others... this was a great torture for me - I was a small child forced to pretend that I was OK...<br />
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I could grow up just like her living in endless hell, actually creating it, but I chose this possibility to learn something, beyond that madness, and become wiser. What I have learned (beside being my mother's day-and-night nurse since I was 6) is to understand deeply-troubled people, and be not afraid of human madness. To be upset in our troubled society, I think, is just a normal reaction. To find some wisdom to deal with this madness, and do not ever "punish" those who are near us because we feel mad/angry - is our great task. We have different ways, different circumstances, but we always have possibilities. <br />
My horrifying experience is not forgotten but turned into my knowledge and strength. <br />
Bless your mind, your heart and your precious kids!

sorry my phone is pretty cruddy when it comes to typing / texting. my mom lives by herself. what I'm trying say is we probably need the time to get to know each other. it's been almost 20 years after all. I wish you all the best dealing with everything that you are all going through individually and have nothing but the utmost respect for you

thank you all for your kind words and for understanding what it's like to grow up and not so normal family I don't know if there is such a thing as a normal family anymore. maybe the word I'm looking for is ideal family. to respond to your questions about my brother my sons my relationship UQ, my relationship with my sons couldn't be better we actully have do you very open relationship. I don't believe I was ever that harsh on them, but the verbal abuse was starting to get bad before I met my husband. as far as my brother goes I just moved here in february we moved about 1600 miles to be with my mom and my brother. our relationship is strained, but he forgive me for being mean sister to him a long time ago.. our relationship is strained due to me being the new I guess woman in his life and my mom lives with his wife. hopefully that will get better with more time spent with my mom, my brother, and sister in law.

JC, how are things between you and your brother, and your sons, now? Do they understand? You might benefit from the works of John Bradshaw; his stuff really helped me to understand myself and my background, and I give him part credit for saving my life. I wish for your every success and happiness in life.

Thank you for sharing your pain. I really respect survivors. I know your pain of guilt. Shame. Its crippling at times. I am working towards dealing with mine. You inspire me to keep on going to set a good example for my kids. I know how effected they are by the surroundings. I am just starting my healing process and knowing the strength of others to go through so much really humbles me. You write so matter of factly about your abuse. I cant even to begin to imagine how much of a struggle you have been through. Your courage to share wonderful. Thank you and here for you support too. Cheers

I know what you mean, Jaclarke. My life wasn't as horrific as yours but I too had deep trauma at a very early age. My heart goes out to you. I'm am happy for you too, for you realize that the past is gone it exist now, no where but in your mind. The past can only hurt you if you let. You have learned to love and that I believe is our purpose.<br />
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Wishing you inner peace and happiness, <br />