Well............i Allow...

I allow this damage to carry on and haunt me.

Ultimately we have to take responsibility for our own thoughts which = our feelings; however, sometimes support is absent for SO long that the damage becomes connected to our BEING. That is, our Perception of our Being. Whether you define yourself as your mind, your soul, your heart....etc...

I feel I have lost many years because of this. I can't blame anyone...not even myself. I just keep on the journey and do the best I can. I am almost 37 and no one believes it because of my set of experiences. I act younger...look younger...feel younger...yet, I DO feel the years...the pain, the aches (ha ha)...
I do blame myself though for allowing the pain to permeate my life....but THEN AGAIN ()...I could only live how I knew how to. So, I throw my hands in the air (metaphorically - too tired to do so for real) and hope somehow I find a reason to live. (I'm not suicidal, but I don't feel I'm worthy of life....then I think, wait, life is hell...so I guess I am worthy...but then, what did I Do to deserve this?! silent scream)

If Anyone could follow that, I will be AMAZED.

Be well.

soulshadow soulshadow
36-40, F
1 Response May 12, 2012

True, I don't really understand what is it you're going through. <br />
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The part where you said "I can only live how I knew how to", this I can relate. I try to learn from my experiences & this has made me who I am. So I too have become what my damage has made me. The only support I get is here from my EP circle. None to speak of in my 'real life'. No one understands my struggle, because well, they aren't experiencing it for themselves (walking in my shoes). <br />
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And yes, I seem to act & look younger than my years. Just recently I was speaking w/someone who guessed my age to be 10 years younger than I am. I told her, yes, that's sounds good. She said, oh then, you must be older. LOL