Sometimes I Wonder What Is Wrong With Me

When I was younger I went through a lot. I have a lot of hard feelings against people who I probably shouldn't. I can't help it though, I don't know why I feel the way I do. I hate my father. I feel like he should have been there to protect me, even though there's nothing he could have done to prevent it even if he had been near. I don't know. He's dying and I barely speak to the man. There's other things too, like things that I know are wrong, but for some reason my brain doesn't process it that way. I was dating a guy and he wanted to have sex, I said no repeatedly, It didn't matter. He did what he wanted to do and I just let it happen. In my head I know it's rape, but I almost justify it. Like oh, well the only reason I didn't want it was because I was mad, so it's really not rape. I don't know ... like I said, I don't know what's wrong with me.
katie5929 katie5929
22-25, F
4 Responses May 15, 2012

Sometimes the best way to survive is to embrace everything in your past as part of who you are. You can't change the past, so instead of looking back with anger or resentment, perhaps keeping focused on making the present and future happiness for you and those surrounding you. Btw, NOTHING is wrong with you!

Thank you :)

A dad's job is to protect his children. Yours did not. He failed in this responsibility.

YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!!!!!!You're not the problem!!!! You were violated by a monster!!!! If your mom and dad didn't dedicate their lives to nurturing you with love, guidance, discipline, and proper nutrition as well as protect you, then they failed miserably!!!! This is not about laying blame on anyone, it's about taking responsibility for what happened to you when you were a child, and finding resolve by way of healing yourself!!!!!!<br />
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It's sad that your dad is dying. I don't know everything your dad did, but it wouldn't hurt to forgive him. You don't have to be close to him. That's all up to you!!!! With all due respect to your mom and dad, you can look at it this way, what may have happened to your mom and dad as children that would cause them to fail one of their own babies. They probably have some personal issues that affected their ability to raise children properly. If this is the case then shame on their parents and so on....... Regardless, unless they are mentally retarded (I'm not poking fun at them) they should have been responsible and learned how to become expert loving parents before they brought you into this world! <br />
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The school system here in the U.S. has a lot to do with the destruction of family values. It takes some tremendous inner strength to survive the life long debilitation's caused by the system!! You are feeling exactly how this evil system wants you to feel: depressed, confused, and uninformed!!! Surround yourself with smart, positive, loving people, and figure out your life!!! Yes you probably have discovered there aren't many of them around. Do yourself a favor and try to get happy while you heal, and if you ever have any babies yourself when you are ready, HOMESCHOOL them! They can join sports or other extracurricular activities to interact with other children!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
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IT'S ALL ABOUT LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No man should ever ever ever do anything to you if you say no. I don't care how heated the moment is. I love women. I love sex. I love consensual sex. If I were naked with a woman and in the throes of passion and she told me she did not want that, I would cease immediately. That is respecting people, respecting boundaries, respecting emotions. You are a woman, a strong woman, an individual with your own wants, needs and desires. You have experienced things that no one should have to endure yet you continue on and have been able to air such grievances. I think that makes you incredibly special. You are a beautiful woman and I sincerely hope you respect yourself as you deserve and find a person in your life that respects you equally. Please know that I am concerned about you, even though I don't really know you. I can never relate what you have been through but that magnifies my concern for you. I have three young children. If anyone threatened them in any way, sexually or other, I would do much worse than kill them. I never thought I would think this way but this is what it is to be a parent who loves unconditionally. And you are making me feel like you need such love. Please reach out if you need to. Trust me, whatever you are thinking, you are special beyond what you think you are.