The Scars That Never Leave

For many years I couldn't cry or feel sorrow. The pain that never got released made my heart hard as stone. Today I have cried my share of tears over losses. It have altered my inner world. Some experiences change the core of who you are. I was shattered to dust. Everything that gave me joy before didn't gave me joy anymore.

If life where a song. To start with your song of life is beautiful. Then you meet your first loss. Your first meeting with evil. A new noisy, unpleasant sound penetrates your beautiful song. I tried to get rid of this unpleasant sound, and put it outside me. It wouldn't go away. Today I have embraced this awful sound - made it a part of my song. I have changed my song so there is room for this noisy, unpleasant sound. Sometimes it makes my song even more beatiful than it was before. This sound/ sadness has become a part of who I am. I have wove this noisy sound into my bones. My song of life has become more sobre, more wise and have more depth. It is hard to describe. Wounds may heal, but if the wound is to deep you will have a scar for the rest of your life - it leaves a mark on you, you will have to bear for the rest of your life long after the wound is healed. That's why I hate being vulnerbare and naked, then people will be able to see my big scars. Some get scared, and I often hide myself behind a mask because I feel ashamed over myself. I hate when people want to know me - then all the pain and sorrow come up. I want other people to have a picture of me as a cool person who have figured everything out. Imagine if they saw how insecure, vulnerbare, imperfect I really am??
So I have spend almost my whole life trying to be someone I am not. I have never been me. I don't know who I am.. That is maybe my biggest scar. If you have lost yorself, what's left ???My biggest pain right now is the realization that I have let myself down to the point I erased myself as a person. It maybe sound selfish, but I am beginning to ask myself questions as: what do I want ??? what feels right to me?? how do I want to be treated by other people ? where is my limits to how much of me I can give to other people without loosing myself ?? I still struggle with the feeling of being selfish, but as is was before I got metal ill, hopitalized.

I aplogize. It got longer that expected.
AmZiCo AmZiCo
22-25, F
2 Responses May 17, 2012

Hey nothing is wrong with what we feel but never feel afraid to face what is reality and to move on nothing is very important but to make your life in the level of reality where you can be freely from agony and all those negative aspect that happens to your life and start all over again,im sure along the way it will hurt you seeing those that makes this to happen but if you will never fight back and face this circumstances then you will never get peace and live in harmony because your afraid to know the truth and to overcome what this painful memories in the past.i guess we all need to struggle and think in optimistic way even life sometimes sucks.

Thank you for your wise comment. In my mind I find what you write true. Especially about facing reality. It is harder to live by that. And it is easy to forget on a bad day. But hey then, I tend to stay around to tomorrow. Who knows what it brings

for so long i have lived with pain of things that have happened to me. today i was finally able to tell my friend about it. it is as if a huge weight has been lifted off my heart and i can begin to live... maybe

That is so moving, touching to hear. My heart cries a little tear for you. The past can't be changed but the future is yours to take