Dismissed From Mind

I am sitting here, a few minutes after watching the film "Mysterious Skin" in which Joseph Gordon Levette plays a young, gay prostitute, realizing my own truth... something that I have always known, but have never truly faced. I accepted it before I even have time to acknowledged it.

As a child, I was used by a lot of men in my life. I couldn't tell you where it started, just that it had. At age 5 I was already pretty sexually in tune, curtisy of the men previously mentioned.

When I was young, I thought the sexual abuse was a game, much like the character Niel in Mysterious Skin. I even, at times, sought the sexual acts out. When I finally realized that what was happening was wrong, it had already been going on for so long I didn't know how to stop it. I tried, but I was still being abused, and since the men then knew that I wasn't okay with it, they'd threaten me. Made me think that if I said anything, they would hurt me.

Naturally, as a young girl I was indeed fearful of them, but at age 18 I had finally had enough and made sure that I wasn't ever touched again. I dealt with it for so long that what had been happening was just a part of who I was... so when I started dating, I was surprised to find out that sex was very, very uncomfortable.

I lost my virginity at 14, I was raped. I used to blame myself for it happening, but after watching this film, a lot of old, discarded bad memories are being shown to me in a new light. Seeing someone else live a life I was almost living... to see the way the characters each dealt with their experiences... I feel like my wall, the thing I clung to for safety, is falling.

Perhaps I am not as tough as I thought I was. Perhaps a lot of my depression stems from my past experiences, my sexual experiences are... to be frank, quite ****** up. I feel terrible for the men I've dated, because they've had to ensure my being uncomfortable with nearly every form of them touching me. I just simply hate being touched. It wasn't always like that, only recently more so. I hate it, because I do deary desire to be touched, to be intimate, to feel safe and loved and sexy... but all of those things are unreachable, it seems.

Perhaps it is my past experiences with those men that makes it is so hard for me to fall in love. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe, like Niel, I hold an empty hole longing to be filled, but it simply can't be. No man is ever good enough... no man is capable of making me feel safe enough... all men seem so disgusting and disturbing to me at times, like all they ever want is sex. It hurts to say admit that, because I know it's not true... I know there are decent men out there.

I can only hope that in time these bad experiences will stop subconsciously eating away at me. Maybe the bad dreams will end one day and, maybe, one day I'll knock down the wall I so dearly cling to.

NomadicMadness NomadicMadness
22-25, F
1 Response Nov 29, 2012

good luck with your trauma and your healing. I never understood what turned a man on to a little girl she is undeveloped in all ways its pretty sickening. Your scars are on the inside so go there to heal them.