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My Past Is My Scars........

As strange as this mood is, I am at peace with who I am & why I am the way I am. I have tried changing, tried losing weight to make myself more 'attractive'. I've tried to bury the fears, & work through the ghosts of my past. I have spent the last 10 yrs doing all that I could & none of it helps. 

My weight keeps me "safe". It's not a logical reaction, it is a gut thing. The little girl inside me is so sure that the more she weights the less likely anyone will hurt her, so she eats. I am finally coming to terms with that. Whether or not I get the love we both deserve from someone who doesn't care about the weight remains to be seen. What is important to me is that I accept that I'm this way & love me anyway. It doesn't matter how much I weight, it's just a number & no one can be me. I am an amazing person with more love in my heart then most. If people are too blinded by their judgments, then to be quite honest........I want nothing to do with them. 

  I do what I can to keep myself as healthy as possible within the boundaries that my inner child has created. She is my first pirority because she's definitely been hurt enough & I will not allow her to be hurt again, especially by me. I treat others how I want to be treated. I try not to judge & most days I'm pretty good at it. There are things I can't do, but I accept it & concentrate on what I can do. That is what we all need to do, learn to love ourselves no matter what "flaws" we believe we may have. In the end, our spirits are just points of light, full of love & it won't matter in the end how "pretty" your shell was. What will matter is if you were happy with yourself. Have you been the best you today that you could be? That's the only question I ask myself every night now & I'm happy to say that most nights I can say YES I was. : )

Goddess Bless my friends,

WynterAngel xxx

WynterAngel WynterAngel 36-40 34 Responses Nov 29, 2009

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Your story is very inspiring. Just today, I saw a cute little plaque in a catalog with a caption that I love. It said something to the effect of: "Life's journey is not meant to arrive at the grave with perfectly preserved bodies, but rather to skid in sideways shouting, 'Holy **** ... what a trip!' ". That is a great way to embrace life, and I'm planning on ordering that plaque and hanging it in my kitchen, lol.

We are so very hard on ourselves, so cruel to our inner child, so unbelievably unyielding. My particular beating was not indulgence in food, but self-mutilation. Thank you for sharing this :)

A beautifully written story Wynter angel. I was also hurt as a child. I admire your strength and wish I could think more like you. Instead I am ruled by a stupid eating disorder that has nearly taken my life. I just want to disappear so nobody can see me.

God has the answer for any of your life situations he holds the key!

loser

hey u piece of **** , show some respect to the lady.

Make me.

wow same here <br />
don't worry be happy with yourself

None of us can change the circumstances that life throws at us...it is how you react to it that will determine what you get out of it. Personally, I choose to use it all, yes it all including abuse, neglect, love and everything inbetween no matter what ever it is as motivation for me to strive through it and surivive so that God can show someone else the light through all of it. That makes it all worth it to me...even death cannot conquer that! And trust me death has came for me several times, but God is not finished with me yet or I would not be here still.

Thank you for sharing your story, Wynterangel. it was honest and inspirational to read.

i had my abortion last year of september 23, 2010, and now that i think about it, its making me feel so guilty inside that i tell myself that i want my baby back :( i just wish now that i can go back and still have my baby in my stomach so does my boyfriend he misses our baby. so i dont know what to do anymore im very depressed

Let me start out by saying YOU ARE AMAZING! I know I have personally tried to accept myself and have fallen short! I can totally relate to keeping everyone at a distance! I had to grow up at a young age so I have never really fit in with any age group, so I kept to myself. I defintly hope I can become strong like you and learn to accept myslef and let others close to me so I can have the true friendships and hopefully a boyfriend.<br />
This is truely beautiful! Thank you!

So many messages, from so early on, fill the thought processes to , perceive things in such a way that, we feel We' become that 'way'.<br />
<br />
My current battle is, <br />
that I have recently moved here, and my 'joy,<br />
of living here, is seemingly uninteresting to my adult children,<br />
who make no attempt to call, or visit, a little disheartening.<br />
~sigh~ so much to show and tell, so much to share...beginning to feel like the song<br />
Elinor Rig-by... on-wards.<br />
<br />
Find the simple pleasures, enjoy the beauty that inspires.<br />
'.

Thank you !!<br />
your words have been helpful to me today

I TOO HAVE JUST ACCEPTED ME AS I AM AND I LOVE MY INNER CHILD! IT MAKES ME WHO I AM!

the term inner child feels really nice, I have felt it as the innocent part of me, always seeing things through an angle of empathy and hope and curiosity. It is the part of me which wants to live for the sake of the joy of it, not for any specific purpose or reaching any destination. The part of me which knows, but doesnt care it knows.

the term inner child feels really nice, I have felt it as the innocent part of me, always seeing things through an angle of empathy and hope and curiosity. It is the part of me which wants to live for the sake of the joy of it, not for any specific purpose or reaching any destination. The part of me which knows, but doesnt care it knows.

all u have to do is b yourself...........if then anyone approaches u then he has loved the true u..........donot try n b the person who u never wanted to b ..............u dnt have to change yourself..........for someone else...........u know what is right n wrong for u.so do the things dat makes u happy.....

you know what?...you did inspire me in many ways!<br />
<br />
i am also struggling with my weight...

love it babe, I have just got to that point also, it is amazing feeling to be happy where you are in life when we seem all our lives to get to better place. All we needed to do was look within, we could have been happy all along. I guess that is why we are born though to go through trials and tribulations.<br />
<br />
What a great place to be at spiritually babe, you go girl, love it!

My inner child is a brat.

ignored42long – I know this is not your post; but I couldn’t get past your story without commenting. I have had my own childhood and adult bullies and your story made me feel your plight deeply. . . I just want to hold your inner child and reassure her that some day, it will be ok. Some day we will see each other for who we are inside instead of this outside envelope; and I bet you’ll be beautiful. . .<br />
<br />
WynterAngle – Your inner child seems precious. I also believe that everyone can let their inner child live within them, or let it die. That is the choice of each individual. But let’s be careful not to use her as an excuse to do the things we want regardless of what we know is healthy for us; - that’s all I’m saying. ka??

WynterAngel, you are on the right track. You are right that the most important thing is to know and love yourself. Take what others say with a grain of salt...suaske666 for example, whether "love" is some special altered state or simply an extremely high score on a scale of how well you like someone has no bearing on whether it is achievable or will make you happy. The concept of love wouldn't exist if it had not been able to give people great amounts of joy over the years. <br />
<br />
One thing that suaske666 is right about however, is that love doesn't flip on a magical switch somewhere (infatuation can, but that's another topic). Love is based on an understanding of self in both parties, and a desire and ability to share unreservedly of what each is with the other. That IS achievable. Just remember, you can't make it... you have to find it.<br />
<br />
Don't give up on your search, and don't let your inner child's timid nature keep you from venturing out of your safety zone. There are a lot of interesting people out there, and some of them are even willing to help you if you get into trouble or get hurt. There can be safety there too, even though there is risk.

dontn bother reading 666<br />
its a load of sinical and depressing rubish that the world really could do without <br />
love is everything <br />
if you cant accept this ther is no piont in me being civil to u <br />
!!!!!!

Me too. So you aren't alone. : )

My inner child helps me to keep my sanity. When I was a child I was bullied, derided, and little valued by family and outsiders alike. As a result I have often drawn into myself for protection, and have difficulty opening up to new people. Sometimes I get childish, and downright goofy when I'm alone and depressed as it is a safety valve I use to lift my spirits.

You'll find her SP.... Of that I have no doubt. Goddess bless & keep you...........xxx Angel

banenm.<br />
You have a point.<br />
Is it that I am the one that is learning and being more secure and it was my inner child that was fighting me to wake up.<br />
Is it that my inner child is god.<br />
I think my inner child was just protecting me or her because I was not ready for a relationship at that time?<br />
I do believe in a higher power.<br />
Thats why my inner child sees so much wonder in the world. My inner child can just sit all day and look at the roses that I/we have grown. We can sit in the forest all day just listening to nature.<br />
I just wish that I can share my wonder of the world with that special girl that god wants me to be with.<br />
Thank you banenm.

God does exist, Let be honest it is a challenge to love someone you cant see. But once they start living within you <br />
You learn to love them by faith. GOD loves you and his grace is sufficient enough for you!!

I believe in inner childs as well.<br />
I have been fighting my inner child for a very long time until recently. <br />
Its a long story. Basically when I was about 6, I made a promise to myself not to ever have a girlfriend or wife because I was afraid to hurt her. That is my biggest fear.<br />
I didn't want to hurt her like my father hurt my mother.<br />
I lost my innocence at age 6 by watching my father beat the crap out of my beautiful mother.<br />
Since then I have been fighting within myself. A part of me is so lonely and wants to love, another part of me remembers that promise.<br />
I have had many opportunities to have relationships, I get so close and then I do something that turns them away never to be seen again. The damage done and leaving me wondering what happened. It was like I was at war with myself. <br />
I tried to kill my pain of war by standing at the edge of a cliff when I was about 17, my toes where hanging over the edge, all I had to do is lean forward. I couldn't do it and then in my 20s trying to drink myself to death. No one will miss me anyhow, I just got in the way.<br />
I came very close, because my liver almost collapsed.<br />
Needless to say I have survived.<br />
I am making peace with my inner child and he is more secure now.<br />
My inner child has gained experience.<br />
Its one thing to have an inner child, but one must have a secure one as well.<br />
I think having an inner child is the fountain of youth because I see everyday like a new day full of wonder and what can be learned today, just as a real child would do.<br />
I don't want to end up thinking "Oh seen that done that". one may as well roll over and die. I never grow tired of watching a sunset, looking at nature, watching the ants go about their business.<br />
<br />
My inner child is my fountain of youth.

I know that this is going to sound simplistic, but I figured out, when I was a little kid, that, no matter what, _someone_ wouldn't like me, or what I did, or what I said. I never cared what anyone thought or said about me unless it was someone that I _cared_ about.

I also believe in inner childs. Even when we are adults we can get excited like a child and have crying fits like a child.<br />
I am suffering sever depression, because I allowed someone to hurt me. My self respect was lost, my ego crushed and my world came tumbling down.<br />
Never thought it would happen to me. After years of bullying at school (I am a six foot natural blonde) for my looks, I blocked it out when I entered the adult world of work. I became cold hearted as I climbed the executive ladder just to protect my emotions. I fought against the tag 'dumb blonde' and made sure I was well educated, so I would be successful for my brains, as I had no beauty to fall back on. I reached a National Director level of a corporate company at 32 years old, earning over $180,000. I thought I had broken free of the bullying and had turned out successful.<br />
Then one day I made the mistake of joining a new company and there I came up against a workplace psychopath. She chipped away at me for over 10 months until I crumbled.<br />
She blocked projects, she spread rumours, she interrupted employment agreements, she would tell the CEO one story and tell me another just to confuse the system.<br />
Her comments got personal. About my ability to do the job at such a young age (not young when my first Management position was at 17), my looks and my values.<br />
That was it, my confidence in myself and also my self love/respect went spiralling down like water down a drain hole, all back to those pathetic days of being bullied at school.<br />
I resigned from my job, had a nervous break down and am now on depression and anti- anxiety tablets.<br />
I know that some people pick or belittle others merely to make themselves feel better about them and their lives, however I did not know the huge affect it would have on me and how it even got past my protected / walled heart.<br />
Society also seems to give more time, patience and caring to those people who are good looking. This is why so many people now have plastic surgery to make their lives easier.<br />
So now I eat also to hide myself, so now one cares, looks or talks to me. I also am very simple minded (the dumbest I have ever been), I also look at this as a protection, because if I am dumb enough and slow witted enough people will not be harsh towards me, they will pity me and leave me alone. They are both barriers to me now.<br />
So I can fully understand your eating patterns.

Me Too! I am not an idiot. I am well educated, articulate and quite bright...but I will not show it. I find that it is easier to act simple minded and just get through it, rather than take the chance to prove yourself worthy. Just let others think I am stupid. You, and I girl have it figured out. We aren't putting ourselves out there for people to put us down. I get you. Bless you for helping me feel more normal for this behavior.

As for 666 there you must believe in God. There is no Devil if there is no God. May the Gods and Devils of all religions bless you, 666.