Bullying That Just Won't Mentally Go Away
As much as I try to move on, learn from experiences and grow stronger, it just doesn't seem to work.
I am suffering severe depression, because I allowed someone to hurt me. My self respect was lost, my ego crushed and my world came tumbling down.
Never thought it would happen to me.
I grew up in a country town and went to state school.
After years of bullying at school for my looks (I am a six foot natural blonde), having no friends, having no support from my parents, self mutilation, becoming confined at the weekends, I blocked it all out when I left the country moved to the city and entered the adult world of work.
I thought fresh start, no one knows me, I can start again and create a whole new me. So I borrowed lots of self help books, relationship books and personality books from the library and studied. I studied to be a fantastic, vivacious, sociable and fun person to be around......and I became just that.
I also became cold hearted, not in a nasty aspect, but protected my heart so no one would hurt me, my emotions or self respect again as I climbed the executive ladder. I fought against the tag 'dumb blonde' (stamped in my mind from school) and made sure I was well educated, so I would be successful for my brains, as I had no beauty to fall back on (so I believed).
I reached a National Director level of a corporate company at 32 years old, earning over $180,000. I thought I had broken free of the bullying and had turned out successful. Successful because I was smart and did not let those hurtful taunting schools years linger on.
Then one day I made the mistake of joining a new company and there I came up against a 'workplace psychopath'. I did psychology, so I know what this person was and how to handle them text book style. However she chipped away at me for over 10 months until I crumbled.
She blocked projects, she spread rumours, she interrupted employment agreements, she would tell the CEO one story and tell me another just to confuse the system, she made meetings and would not turn up, if I stood up to her she would not talk to me for up to 3 weeks just to hold up my department and my work time lines.
Her comments got personal. About my ability to do the job at such a young age (not young when my first Management position was at 17), my looks and my values.
That was it, my confidence in myself and also my self love/respect went spiralling down like water down a drain hole, all back to those pathetic days of being bullied at school.
I resigned from my job, had a nervous break down and am now on depression and anti-anxiety tablets.
I know that some people pick or belittle others merely to make themselves feel better about them and their meaningless lives, however I did not know the huge affect it would have on me and how it even got past my protected / walled heart.
Society also seems to give more time, patience and caring to those people who are good looking. This is why so many people now have plastic surgery to make their lives easier. Or this is my opinion at the moment anyway.
So now I eat also to hide myself, so now one cares, looks or talks to me. I have put on 35 kgs now. I am obese. I also am very simple minded (the dumbest I have ever been), I also look at this as a protection, because if I am dumb enough and slow witted enough, people will not be harsh towards me, they will pity me and leave me alone. They are both protection barriers to me now.
So really I am mentally damaged due to my past, the past I thought I had left behind. It feels like getting your gumboots stuck in some thick mud and not being able to get out. I just want to take those gumboots off completely and walk on, walk free and not look back.