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Bullying That Just Won't Mentally Go Away

As much as I try to move on, learn from experiences and grow stronger, it just doesn't seem to work.

 

I am suffering severe depression, because I allowed someone to hurt me.  My self respect was lost, my ego crushed and my world came tumbling down.

Never thought it would happen to me.

 

I grew up in a country town and went to state school.

After years of bullying at school for my looks (I am a six foot natural blonde), having no friends, having no support from my parents, self mutilation, becoming confined at the weekends, I blocked it all out when I left the country moved to the city and entered the adult world of work.

 

I thought fresh start, no one knows me, I can start again and create a whole new me.  So I borrowed lots of self help books, relationship books and personality books from the library and studied.  I studied to be a fantastic, vivacious, sociable and fun person to be around......and I became just that.

 

I also became cold hearted, not in a nasty aspect, but protected my heart so no one would hurt me, my emotions or self respect again as I climbed the executive ladder.  I fought against the tag 'dumb blonde' (stamped in my mind from school) and made sure I was well educated, so I would be successful for my brains, as I had no beauty to fall back on (so I believed). 

 

I reached a National Director level of a corporate company at 32 years old, earning over $180,000.  I thought I had broken free of the bullying and had turned out successful.  Successful because I was smart and did not let those hurtful taunting schools years linger on.

 

Then one day I made the mistake of joining a new company and there I came up against a 'workplace psychopath'.  I did psychology, so I know what this person was and how to handle them text book style.  However she chipped away at me for over 10 months until I crumbled.

She blocked projects, she spread rumours, she interrupted employment agreements, she would tell the CEO one story and tell me another just to confuse the system, she made meetings and would not turn up, if I stood up to her she would not talk to me for up to 3 weeks just to hold up my department and my work time lines.

Her comments got personal.  About my ability to do the job at such a young age (not young when my first Management position was at 17), my looks and my values.

 

That was it, my confidence in myself and also my self love/respect went spiralling down like water down a drain hole, all back to those pathetic days of being bullied at school.

 

I resigned from my job, had a nervous break down and am now on depression and anti-anxiety tablets.

I know that some people pick or belittle others merely to make themselves feel better about them and their meaningless lives, however I did not know the huge affect it would have on me and how it even got past my protected / walled heart.

 

Society also seems to give more time, patience and caring to those people who are good looking.  This is why so many people now have plastic surgery to make their lives easier.  Or this is my opinion at the moment anyway.

So now I eat also to hide myself, so now one cares, looks or talks to me.  I have put on 35 kgs now.  I am obese. I also am very simple minded (the dumbest I have ever been), I also look at this as a protection, because if I am dumb enough and slow witted enough, people will not be harsh towards me, they will pity me and leave me alone.  They are both protection barriers to me now.

 

So really I am mentally damaged due to my past, the past I thought I had left behind.  It feels like getting your gumboots stuck in some thick mud and not being able to get out.  I just want to take those gumboots off completely and walk on, walk free and not look back.

 

 

ignored42long ignored42long 36-40, F 22 Responses Dec 14, 2009

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i'm sorry that happened to you. that's terrible even though you moved and started over (which i have been trying to do since i was 18) didn't improve things much. you didn't allow anything. that struck me, that you said that. it wasn't your fault. it had nothing to do with you. anyone else's problem with your looks, height was their problem with their self. they were unhappy with them and took it out on you. i wasn't tall & blonde. but i never would have picked on someone for it. my mother would have. people who bully like that are extremely unhappy with themselves. be happy with yourself!!! please!!! it feels really good. and keeping your heart safe from being hurt is normal. it got u good grades and an awesome job!! i bet that unhappy workplace sociapath was jealous!!! ha ha on her. cuz you were made stronger than she could ever be. you learned how to properly cope without tearing someone else down. you were a person. you know you deserved to be treated like person by any coworker or guy. thank you for sharing your story. i hope it helps others.

"....hi, read ur story & it made my blood boil - Bullying is my main 'pet hate', I was bullied once, not @ school, it only stopped when I finally gave him a good beating, ever since that I got in2 fights with Bullies @ school when I saw them Bully people - hang in there, 2moro is a Bigger, Better, Brighter day - if u want 2 talk, I'm here 4u ANYTIME - u have an inner strength in u that is very rare, if u didn't have that, u wouldn't b on EP saying "help me someone" - I'm no counsellor, more of a 'shoulder 2 cry on' so I may b able 2 help u - my profile & profile name may offend, pls don't b put off by them..."

I'm so sorry...I was also bullied in childhood. My mother was the number one bully. When I was 11 years old she bought me a jacket with the picture of a pig in the back and the writing "the big pig"...I was fat, of course, but it's not as if i didn't know it...my mother told me that I shouldn't get into a bathing suit, becuse guys wouldn't want me. I'm a lesbian and I wanted no guys, but I applied her "logic" to girls, and never got into a bathing suit. I grew up in rome, italy, and at 18 I moved to new york city to re-invent myself. I married a man - I know, I'm a lesbian, but there was no same-sex marriage, nack then. I didn't see my mother for 2 years. Then she came to new york. I tried to hug her, but she PUSHED ME ASIDE...she wanted to meet my husband. By the way, I did get thin. At 16 I developed anorexia nervosa. I think you're in europe, because you mentioned kilos. I weight 32 kilos, at age 17. I was hospitalized and the hospital sent me home to die. After the anorexia I developed bulimia nervosa. I was as thin as 38 kilos for many years. I've NEVER SEEN MYSELF as thin or even as normal...I have body dysmorphic. I had bulimia nervosa for 33 years. Topomax cured it. I have mental problems. I have a sister who's 43. She's an attorney and she's had anorexia nervosa for at least 20 years. A few months ago my mother told me that my sister has reached my weight, meaning 32 kilos. I have no idea what I looked like at 32 kilos, but I saw my sister 4 years ago and I didn't recognized her...she was with my mother at the airport and she looked familiar...then she spoke and I recognized her. She was...she was the SKINNIEST person I've ever seen! But, from what I'm told, she's lost weight. In the past 3 months she's been losing teeth, about a tooth a week. The dentist can't put in implants, because the bones won't hold it. And 3 weeks ago she developed viral pneumonia. In the past couple of weeks I;ve been particularly depressed. I can't get up. I can't do anything. I don't know what to do, yet I have to keep going...I don't know why...

The woman you describe is one who has no doubt been affected by someone else in a similar manner early on in her life. Bullying is a learned behavior. It is the ignorance of society, it is the short-sighted evil vindictiveness that predatory pack animals feed on. It is everywhere. Our world has been built upon it, whether we as individuals are sharp enough to perceive it without it being taught. The world we live in will never admit it's own short-comings, because it is what is not well known that keeps it functioning. Often you will find that educators, bosses, police and parents will possess the mental capability to put themselves in the victims shoes and will either turn a blind eye or even assist the bully. Again, this is an issue of ignorance, in=gnorance because they lack the ability to recognize the impact of this negative cycle and how they are as responsible as the bullies themselves. Of course, It is rare to find people who are truly beautiful, insightful, honest or even real. These are the people who are singled out by the bullies. Because they stand out as different in a way that the bully cannot quite explain. There are lots of documents floating around, that claim to have the true profile of a bully, but none of these appear to be completely correct, and more often than not they point to the skills adopted by victims for survival as belonging to the bullies. Bullies often manage to become reasonably successful, they have little fear of the world around them as the system has constantly turned a blind eye to their predatory actions for the majority of their life, and are quite skilled at forming follower mobs at the threat of such behavior. Most people will go along with bullying as long as they are not the target. Most victims tend to have less successful lives, often marred by psychological and physical ailments for the duration of their life-span. Some victims become bullies to overcome the psychological afflictions, others bury themselves in work, or withdraw from society as much as possible, often fearing public places and gatherings. Many fail to open themselves up to relationships of virtually any kind. I think you should gather yourself and return to work in the knowledge that we the bullied will all stand together against bullying even if that means a boycott against companies that turn a blind eye to such things. Our expectation is that public figures will recognize combating bullying as their responsibility, or that they will be charged as accomplices to the crime. There is no need to get upset about this woman's negligence, just be sure to point it out as such. Don't let her cause you to miss the best parts of your life as my bullies did me mine. Don't get angry. Find out what she is responsible for and undermine her faith in her abilities. Send her a coffee or a cake with ex-lax in it when her section is under pressure. I have a feeling that when she is the one to crack, you will actually feel sorry for her. Which you the far better and brighter person to begin with. Train yourself to think positive thoughts. Affirmations do help, though the slack minded bully would be loathe to let you believe this. If you find yourself remembering how much you hate her, you have two choices, you can either tell yourself that you "love" her, which will completely diffuse your emotional stress, or you can tell yourself that you are going to get even with her, which helps, but still needs justification to prove effective to your betterment. I wish you well.

you're not alone i am on a similar path only mine is a few chapters behind, i too am comsumed by anger, i am also a very cold, emotionless and bitter person, but i grew stronger from it, and regarding bullies do what i did, i took their power away from them all the best with your career

You never deserved anything that happend to you and I myself have a story a lot like yours I think you should read

That person was a sabatour, since they were jealous they were trying to tear at you from different angles. Let go of that shame, build yourself up again, and be successful again :)

I really feel for you friend, I think alot of us have been bullied and judged by our physical apprearance. Don't let the psycho win, I think you should sue for the damage she has caused you. Wouldn't it be nice to get even. Hit her where it really hurts in the pockets. I think your pretty amazing for getting to where you did at 32 years of age. There are and always will be sick bosses around and it can knock you down terribly. It isn't you, these people operate on a different level to normal people. She will probably get hers one day anyway. You need to reinvent yourself and try again. Perhaps in a less brutal industry. With all that experience behind you Im sure you'll go far. Remember its not how many times you get knocked down its how many time you get up and try again. Its the same for everyone of us. Don't let the bastards drag you down. Good luck...

It has been 2 years since your post ... how are you this day?

Your story and experence it heart wrenchin'. I have not experenced what you have gone thru. But it might well be that I am a man and cows and horses don't so those types of thing. But I will leave you with a thought to ponder....... It's hard to see the future with tears in your eyes. <br />
You have the courage and the feet to care it. Life ain't easy. But it's worth the fight. <br />
t

I can sympathize, because I, too had a boss from hell during the last few years at my last job, where I worked for sixteen years. Most of the years I worked at this job were good ones, but when the company brought in a new supervisor to our department to reflect certain changes that were taking place throughout the company, things changed for the worst. This woman got overzealous, monitoring every little thing we did, and every little move we made, peppered my desk with notes that were made-up stories, called me to meetings for nothing, and also, after having initially ingratiated with me, broke down my defenses and got me to confide in her about certain issues that I'd had during my childhood and teen years. Abruptly, she changed and became more abusive, especially I refused to be her ally and report my co-workers behind their backs. <br />
<br />
Despite advice from my co-workers to just accept this state of affairs (which I could not and would not do), I ended up filing a grievance, because of her overzealousness. I ended up getting a severence package, with retraining money and a reference note, and, after taking a year off, used the retraining money for piano-tuning school, and afew other things. It was better than being fired, I bought time as well as a piece of mind, and learned a new skill.<br />
<br />
I have to admit, however, that I've never forgiven her all these years later, and, afew years ago, I heard that she was working a crappy job as a telemarketer for Boston Food Bank.

amen smith21502 yes.....we can

I'm sorry that really sucks, but as smith21502 said I think that person was envious of you, people get mean & nasty when they see someone succeeding when their narrow little mind says that that type of person is beneath them & shouldn't be getting the things that they -WRONGLY- think belong to them, you sound amazing that kind of talent is rare & don't let anyone tell you differently, and my advice for dealing with haters is to go around them when it comes to your superiors & rub their nose in your success keep notes on when & how trouble starts & when it crosses your personal line bring it up with their superiors with the evidence and when they go after you in person let the amazing you become your shield recognize their jealousy & strut and preen until they melt down because they can't handle their own jealousy & start making mistakes that get them removed as a problem.

Life Is Full Of Jealousy:(

There is something you have to know..they are afraid of your confidence and knowledge, your creativity and sparkle..so they tromped on you..they did the same to me..but You look in the mirrior, ignored the arses , and grab your butt by your boot straps. I am starting a new life..and I will be back with a vengeance..you know what it takes to get ahead..you have the knowledge..you have the power..you can not let jealous ***** control your life no more..weight can be lost..(I went from 115lbs to 169..yeah sister, I know your pain) we can do this..yes we can!!

you sure write well. by all of the answers you have here im sure youll glean something that helps. your story made me remember my own experiences working. when i think of what i had to deal with morally it makes me so glad im of it now. but the bottom line when you get so down is how you handle yourself. nothing bad has really happened to you that you cant fix. if you make up your mind and take one step at a time you can get it on again. just read your story back to yourself and see how this is your past and now you can find a new present. if you ever face another @##$ like that in the future you will be able to deal with them, right? good luck. nameste.

Suing the person is a good idea however getting witnesses to testify can be the hardest, because they too would be feeling intimidated and too scared to come forward. If can sue then go for it.

I know what that is like I too have been bullied at school and it does leave a mental scar that remains for the rest of your life, to me it has made me extremely defensive and given me an inability to express myself properly. <br />
Sure the first thing that people want to do or write when they read your story is to give you condolences and positive inspiration,although nice, but if you are that badly damaged by what has happened in your past, then words just become mere farts from the sky.<br />
I too have had my fare share of psychotic break downs, where I have smashed up everything I owned. <br />
I have even got counseling which made things a little bit better, but the councilor said the she gone as far as she could with me but cannot do anymore. <br />
However what has helped me a lot was when I started to do martial arts, but unfortunately even though it was doing me good I had to stop because I was also feeling a dangerous build up of anger coming from within which made me feel like a ticking time bomb.<br />
I do not know why people seem to think that it is okay to verbally abuse another, it hurts and does far more damage than physical abuse. Mental hurts and scares are never visible.<br />
I would strongly recommend that you should try Martial arts training even if it is Tai Chi but either stop or tell your trainer if you start to feel a Psychotic rage building up.

I'm extremely sorry that happened to. I wish I could offer some kind of insight but I'm going through similar things. I just really hope you will be able to move past it, I doesn't mean you have to forget and stuff your feelings down, I just wish you all the best in taking a step forward and being happy.

I'm extremely sorry that happened to. I wish I could offer some kind of insight but I'm going through similar things. I just really hope you will be able to move past it, I doesn't mean you have to forget and stuff your feelings down, I just wish you all the best in taking a step forward and being happy.

very depressing story , i feel very sorry for you,can't really explain the feelings i have about your story,because I have experienced it too :s

I'm so sorry... all I can say to you is that it gets better, I know it's easy to say but I've been where you are, and it's the hardest thing to do, getting up from the ground, but once you do I bet you won't let anyone bring you down. Hope well for you.