Trying To Get My Life Back....

i didn't really know how to title this but i am damaged thanks in part to one of my step dads,my grandmother,and my ex husband,not to mention all the boyfriends,and non boyfriends i had. you have to understand i developed really really early i was wearing a bra in 3 grade and had a period by the 4 grade i was nine years old, the stepdad my mom was married to of coarse took notice of this,but instead of sexually abuseing me he verbally,emotionally,and on some occasions physically abused mom told me later it was so he wouldn't sexually assault me,like it was my fault i developed early. my grandmother the entire time i gre up ran me into the ground about my weight,i wore a size 9,my two sisters wore size 0....i was never gonna be skinny enough,i needed to watch my weight cause it was unattractive,my butt was always to big for this or that,i still have self esteem issues. then when i was a sophmore in 10th grade i was sexually assaulted by a boy in school,he would say lewd remarks,and him and his friend would holdme down and touch meplaces they shouldn't this went on for about 6months,until my friend at the time witnessed it and told my grandpa a cop,and my mom. i eventually got the boys kicked out of school,but people still destroyed my stuff called me the ***** yet i was the victim,and one of them had a girlfriend who hated me and said it was my fault and he never did that and if i hadn't been showing off my body it never would have happened,i wore jeans and baggy t-shirts i didn't know that was showing off my body.....i went through counciling for years and could not get past it,would lose sleep cuz i was afraind he was gonna come back and assault me again. then i met my husband(ex now) he seemed like prince charming,although his family was a little nutty....should have known something was uo with him when three days into knowing him he told me he loved me,yeah right....he verbally and emotionally abused me for a while then things got physical about 2 months before our 1 yr anniv,i found out his cousin was poisoning me with antifreeze(it wouldn't be till 6 yrs later i would learn he was in on it) then we had our first sonand he wasn;t like normal babies he cried all the time and i had post partum,he started cheating on me forward to a few weeks after my son's 2 b-day and his brother beat the living crap out of me,he attacked me from behind and beat me into unconciousness with my son watching....then when i came to he had a gun inmy face and said"i may not be able to kill you now,but i will be back" it was another year before i found ou that my husband had put him up to it and that he helped him get away.....i had a nervous breakdown about 5 weeks after the attack i had stayed up for 17 days straight and was trying to work but everytime i would start to go to sleep i would hear footsteps and thought it was his brother coming after me that was when i was diagnosed with ptsd,i still have issues i make sure my door is locked nite or day,and don't go anywhere by myself,but i am finally starting to get my kife back in some ways,i have two more beautiful children along with my oldest son and i have a family and a best friend who support me in all my decisions. i have finally worked up the guts to go back to school......i just wanted to share my story and hope it helps someone out there to have the courage to post theirs too,,,,,to all who read this thanks

tdh1 tdh1
31-35, F
Feb 28, 2010