Mentally Damaged, But Not Sure Why?

As far as I can remember I've always been a quite weird and kind of depressed, but I don't really know why.

I watched my father mentally and physically torture my mother since I was 4 or 5. I remember that my mother would start crying after he would scream at her and hit her and me & my sister would try to comfort her.There were times when I even wanted to kill my father.I just couldn't bear the way he treated my mother.My mother divorced him when I was 11.I stayed with my Mother.

But, I wasn't happy that my Dad left and I do feel very guilty about that, But I really loved him even though I sounds crazy.

I prayed for 6 months that my parents would get back together, even after I knew how things would have become again.I don't know why I would wish for such a thing.

I still miss my Dad and get very jealous when people talk about their Dad's.

After my Dad left, I became more sad and depressed than I already was.

I can't really understand myself. I don't know why I feel the way I feel.

I am never happy to the fullest. I might laugh and crack jokes, but on the inside I am bleeding and no one knows it.

I want to get better, but I don't have the guts to tell anyone how I feel and thing is I don't know what I am depressed about.

I hope no one has to feel the way I do.

gamingzone3 gamingzone3
18-21, F
4 Responses Mar 4, 2010

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wow gamingzone3 i went threw the same since i was a little girl and feel the same way but i was accually happy that my mom and dad were devorced and i never felt guilt or wanted him 2 come baq or get baq wit my mom. i had a step dad that was like sexually abusing me and my grandpa 2 so i can laugh 2 my fullist but i always feel anger, sadness, depression, and fustration. :((

Hi! You don't have to feel it yourself either. I know cause being a teenager was not that easy too for me. My parents don't get divorced, but there would be some of days that seemed too hard to agree to each other, and it scared me when I was a kid if they would ever get divorced. The gloom went into my teenage years.<br />
But, Gamingzone3, just be patient with your situation. Put a little distance between what's happening and yourself, and you might gradually understand yourself and know why you feel the way you are currently feeling. Sometimes, we just do not like what we see. Then, choose to be different. You are what you define for yourself. Don't let others define you. Be good to yourself, and take time to see yourself growing into something you want to. I agree with Adams01. God bless you, and just share your worry here if you don't know what else to go, we're here for you.

Hi, the words I'm going to write about may not seem to be the answers to what you were expecting but what I'm going to tell you here is the same story but I'm not the kid, I'm the step father that came along shortly after the mother left the original father, but there is some insight you may find. ................I would like to say that I can understand how you feel, but not to say that I have been in your shoes. I married into a mixed family, that being my wife, step daughter and step son, and I have 2 daughters of my own from a previous marriage, the 16yr old step daughter is the only one left home now. When I first married my 2nd wife here, we talked and decided that I wouldn't take the place of their biological father, whom had multiple Bachelors degrees and is very smart but he had (and still does have) drinking and drug problems and ultimately failed as a father and they were divorced when the kids were young. The kids just call me by my first name and I never did, and still don't, feel like a father to them (which hurts me). The original father, whom is somewhat still in the picture, still has alot of problems and the kids (20 and 16yrs old now) are still trying to mend their relationship with their biological father (which me and my wife feel is good for them). and I am just nothing to them. I was never mean to them except for your basic discipline for like back talking their mother. The father of the kids did awful things to them when they were young like threatening to drop the little 3 yr old daughter to the tile floor from the second floor as he held her by her ankles. he also did things like leaving the kids alone to get drugs and the girl was ultimately found in the oven sleeping (she crawled in) by her mom (after mom came home from work) and the boy was at a bad park in a bad part of town because the father ultimately forgot about the both of them. they don't remember everything that happened to them and they now see their father going to jail for abusing a woman whom is a care taker for, they know when he drinks, so on. They both have alot of hurt that reflects back on me and I just have to take it knowing that this will never change. the 16yr girl is now seeing a therapist because her school made her due to some minor trouble she got in at school (she's not a bad girl, just a normal teen). but she didn't want to do this at all, caused all kinds of problems but she had to. She found that she really likes it and is now and is happy that she was forced to go and now goes on her own and will continue to do so. I've seen major changes and she actually stays home now instead of going out all the time with her friends and heading for disaster. we treat her like an adult and she knows that she is making her own future and we cannot watch her 24/7. The point is that she opened up to someone who would listen and is happy she did. You may not have insurance but if you look, you'll find someone that will help you to find someone that you can talk to and it will change you immensely. don't hold it in no more, for it will destroy you and your a better person than that. You obviously are someone whom survived your childhood although it was far from normal. I just signed up for this site yesterday and had a dream when I was young that I wanted interpreted and just came across yours by chance. I also have alot of anger in me. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (when my body attacks all my joints thinking that their invaders) I have Neuropathy (nerves in body damaged from using meds for my RA, body pounds with every heartbeat). I have 2 herniated discs in my lower back along with one bulging disc, I have a herniated disc along with a degenerated disc in my neck, I have carpal tunnel in both hands, and this is really tearing me apart and I still have to live with and deal with the 16yr old whom really doesn't speak or seem to respect me or seem to care that I gave the last 14yrs of my life working hard so that they could have things and live normal life's and I'm pretty sure doesn't like me because I'm not "real dad". I too am thinking of talking with someone because, I too, hurt inside and think that finding someone to talk with with help me immensely. I cannot work anymore (I did commercial and Industrial roofing for 30yrs). ....... You need to start the process of letting your anger out in a controlled way that wont hurt you or others whom you love and love you or that are around you. I've seen how my 16yr old step daughter has changed for the better and am really impressed. if she can do it, then you and I can do it and fix ourselves. You will only heal if you want to heal, we must make the first step. you sound like your still young, maybe 20ish or close??. You don't want to carry this hurt and damage forward into a marriage because your marriage will not succeed and if you have children, they will also ultimately suffer. There is someone and someway to start your healing process. My wife's asking me to get help, my disabilities are taking their toll and I hurt so bad that sometimes I'm on the couch for days and that may not change due to my type of illness' and I don't want to loose her and I know that I sometimes take it out on her (not physically or mentally, but by just not doing things with her) Do it for your loved ones, they'll really be impressed on how you changed for the better and you'll unknowingly inspire someone to also heal themselves before depression leads to suicide. so don't even think about that. God will not forgive you and we do want to pass the pearly gates when our time goes, heaven is really there for us...... take care brother and start your healing process......once you start the healing process, you can then work towards a good education if your not already in college, or get your G.E.D. if you did not finish high school