Seeing His Face Resurfaces Feelings I Have, For Years, Tried To Repress.

I saw him yesterday.

The man who molested me as a child of course.

I never told anyone. Nor have I ever really wanted to... the truth is, it was embarrasing. The fact that I had no control.. The fact that I was weak, and defenseless. The fact that he is a family friend, or the fact that I am a male, and that no one would believe me anyway.

He left me weak, and insecure, and unable to trust anyone.

I am gay, yes, but that was no reason to take advantage of me? I was 12.


As the years passed, I healed enough to get close to people again. My boyfriend and I still have problems.

Sometimes, he touches me the wrong way, and I cry for hours alone.

I saw the man that did this to me, yesterday. He smiled.

What do I do?

I'm trapped.

I cant deal.

jesselovesdeath jesselovesdeath
18-21, M
4 Responses Mar 24, 2010

I know this pain all to well 2 weeks after my Mother died it all began I was molested by a family member from the time I was ten until I was sixteen. For years I lived with this secret eatting at me I still haven't told my family all the details in fear of not being believed. I still see this person it's been hard but I'm finally at a place in my life where I can move forward. In order to move forward you have to take back your power. What this guy did does not define who you are. You have to take the neccessary steps, you have to confront what has happened to you. Sadly you are not alone millions of people have suffered from molestation you have to connect with others who have experienced this as well. Keep your head up you are stronger than you know (God bless)

Hey Jesse, I am so sorry for what happened to you, and you have great strength sharing your feelings with us, well done!<br />
This man is a disgusting, worthless human being and you shouldnt ever think any of this was your fault and that your weak,,,, your not!<br />
He is in the wrong, he took advantages and he knew it was wrong!<br />
But do what is best for you, if you feel you want to tell the police and get help with your emotions then please do so,,, keeping your emotions to yourself isnt very good, you should maybe talk to a therapist about how your feeling,,, and as for your family---- im sure they would believe you,, and if not then they are either insensative or are in denial,,,, you are a beautiful person and you are strong and you will make somthing of your life,,,,,,,,<br />
I hope things turn out ok for hun Jesse, im here if you need to talk X

Yeah, what he said(;

Well, first off, I hope you don't really love death. I have wasted more time on that one. <br />
<br />
Second, what did you really want to do when you saw the guy? Do you think he really recognize you and remember what he did, or did he just smile? <br />
<br />
I never got molested, but I do remember running into a sadistic coach/teacher a few years after high school. He seemed so small. I could have smashed his head in, right there in the McDonald's. <br />
<br />
It would not have done any good. He did not know me from a napkin. When I think about it, I actually fell good that I could have done it, I had the chance, but I didn't. This, at least, was better than he treated many of us when we were kids. <br />
<br />
Your situation is worse. No one would have blamed you if pushed the turd down the stairs. <br />
<br />
However, you have a lot more power than you might think. For instance, if you were to tell your family, they may not believe you at first, but once the story gets out, you will likely find that you were not the only one. The guy could get into some serious trouble -- and danger. <br />
<br />
You are not trapped. There are ways to change the way you think about what happened -- not change your feelings -- but change the process of thinking that you go through when you remember him or when you get touched certain ways. Sometimes friends can help, but often it takes a detached person, a professional, whether it is an MD, PhD, or clergy. I suggest you find one to work with. <br />
<br />
Sometimes it takes years, but is worth the effort. I know from personal experience. Don't be like a friend of mine who was raped at sixteen. She allowed the experience to define her life with men for years -- wasted years. No matter what else you do, get the help.