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Feel So Stuck And Afraid.....

Most days I feel like I can't do this even one more day....desperate to be unmarried , away and independent from my husband of almost 17 years. This feeling has been progressively building for at least the last 4 years and these days threatens to get the best of me. Without all the tedious specifics I will say... there is no emotional or physical intimacy, no real meaningful communication even. We are going through the motions of living and quasi-cooperating in the same household in an effort to raise 4 children and keep financially afloat. These are  the ONLY reasons we live together or have any "relationship" at this point. There is no love, no friendship, no caring, nothing. If I could leave, or he could leave without a financial catastrophe I would make it happen. But it is not just me, I have 4 wonderful, innocent kids that deserve better. It's a lose-lose situation. I stay married, I'm miserable and my kids suffer. I divorce and I'm in financial turmiol, and my kids suffer. I do work 30 plus hours a week, but for a low wage, despite being a college grad. I currently cannot find work with my qualifications to teach. Not too much more money there anyway. My husband does pretty well, but with 2 seperate households, I can't see how we could afford to live. I also hate being dependant on him. He treats me as if I am inferior because he earns four times the wage I do. I do NOT regret that I have 4 children, although it complicates my situation fourfold. They are all gifts and I cherish them. My heart breaks for them and what they endure now, having a dysfunctional marriage as a model, and for what ineviatably come one day-divorce, to our family. I can't even say with certainty which is worse at this point. I am most fearful that I will wind up somewhere on welfare with 4 kids in a 2 bedroom apartment struggling. This fear may be ungrounded, but I do not trust my husband, and am, like it or not, financially dependent to a degree on him. I would just like to get my life back at this point, and gain some freedom to be happy in my own home. I have tried, but am unable to feel truly happy and free as long as he is around. It is very unpleasant everyday. Sleeping in a twin bed with my 6 year old daughter is cozy but inappropriate long term. I have gone to therapy....myself and it has helped me to emotionally deal with the situation to a degree. I am trying to learn and become a better person through this experience. This is easier said than done. To summarize, I am tired of living in a loveless, sexless marriage that has been over for years. I'm frozen with fear.

desperatemom desperatemom 41-45, F 15 Responses Nov 9, 2009

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I have been married to my husband for 24 years. He is a compulsive gambler who lies with every breath and only brings 1/3 of his pay home and gambles the rest and tells me he did not make money. He sells cars and makes close to $75,000 but I only see about $25,000. He blames me for everything. He is always in a bad mood!!! HE AVOIDS MY CALLS AND PRETENDS THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIS PHONE. I recently found his w2 , gambling winnings, bonus etc and was physically sick because he only bought 1/3 to his family me and his kids we are living in a 2 bed one bath apartment with one closet for 4 of us . and struggling due to his addiction. He is in total denial he has a problem. It is very lonely living with him. He works 7 days a week 12 hours a day or so he says but a lot of that time is spent in the casino. when he comes home you can cut the tension with a knife! He treats our apartment as if it is a hotel washes his clothes, takes, a shower eats, watches tv, and leaves again. we only have one tv and if I ask for the remote he turns over and goes to sleep but the minute I go in my room tv is back on. he never talks to me always makes excuses tired, headache, stomach ache, bad day etc living with someone like that is ten times worse then living alone. I am extremely unhappy, miserable and dream of meeting someone else that will take me away from all this. I stay because of financial reasons, and my 15 year old daughter I do not want her life to change, He is so spiteful, verbally abusive etc. He never goes anywhere with me I AM ALWAYS the 3rd wheel. 2 years ago we separated and he did not call me for 2 months and I slept with someone else I made the mistake of telling him and now I feel like he tries to punish me for it everyday! He loves that I am financially dependent on him . He threatens me he will stop the direct deposit and take away my new car it is in his name. I m a realtor but he has me so unhappy and depressed I really have not worked lately. he gave me a referral from a guy from his work I sold a house then constantly throws in my face that if he did not give me the customer etc. He is all over me about getting a regular job with steady income and believe me I have tried just to shut him up I have a bachelors degree in one year I only had 2 interviews.soooo miserable need to meet someone else and be happy again and need money to leave with my daughter

It is such a horrible situation when one doesn't feel the connection to their partner or spouse. It becomes all the more difficult when the children we desperately craved to have with the person we committed to having a life-long relationship with comes along. I am also at my wits end and I have been married for over 22 years. The situation is different but in some ways the same. I believe it boils down to respect and love that transcends the physical.

In my darkest, outraged moments I scream that I would rather be frozen and hug a concrete cement rock that be married to him a day longer. Don't get me wrong he is a good man but when one has broken someone's trust and consistently feels threatened by feeling humiliated, demeaned and treated as though I am an inferior not so much by him but by those around him who have had more influence on my life than they deserve it filtered into what was most precious; my relationship with him. I gave myself to him heart, mind, body and soul there isn't anything left but to simply want to get out and salvage whatever little is left of myself and make it on my own if that what I need to do.
I wish all the best.

I feel so connected with this story because I am going through these same horrible emotions. I was 31 when I met my husband...I got pregnant 3 months after meeting him and I felt stuck. We ended up getting pregnant 1 week after our wedding and then I was like this is it. HE makes 3x what's make, we own a house together and I'm miserable. The problem is he's a great dad, a nice guy and takes care of everything. I'm just so emotionless and there's no sex in our marriage. I shudder when it even comes up. I cheated a few weeks ago and the emotions I felt with the other person made me feel wanted and beautiful. I need some help because I don't want to ruin my family but do I deserve to be happy?

I just came across this and see it was written a little over 3 years ago and can't help but wonder if it was me who wrote this!!! Every single thing is what I am going through and have been for the past 4 years. I want out of this marriage so badly to finally be able to breath. My husband is not a bad person or father, I just don't want to be with him or around him! I wish I had the guts to finally walk away and show my children this is not a healthy relationship! I need support to walk away and make myself happy!

I am so sorry for you! I can completly relate. I have been in my marriage 22 years and have 2 children! I wish you best I truley do!

Wow. After I read this story I thought to myself "I could have written this." Everything was identical, minus 2 children & 6 years. All I can add is how dead I feel inside. I have never felt so lifeless. I am no longer a human being...I am no more than a shell. With every day that has passed I think, "I am one more day closer to my death" and sadly, that gives me hope.

You are going through the exact same thing as me. I hate feeling dependent. I already have a child with the one Im with but Im not even married to him and it already feels this way. Im so sorry

I am personally going through something similar but more complicated. This is the third time me & my husband have been together. I had two children when we met then we had one together. When we split the first time he tried to take all my parental rights away from me I got every other weekend with my baby & just two of my children lived with me I paid child support & all. It was a nightmare I came back & he resented me for my wrongs in our first try that he got me back in our second go around so I left again all over again my two kids lost their dad & my baby only seen me twice a month. One day 1 1/2 years later he asked me to come back I did due to my child I can't live without all three of my children. I've done well this time there's nothing to hold over my head for him to take my baby from me anymore but once again we are not getting along. So the first step I took from being a stay at home mom with nothing in my name & no income was: 1. Realized we have tried this so many times I'm doing the same thing over & over expecting different results. :/ 2. Started a 7 month college program to become a Registered Dental Assistant & be able to take care of all 3 of my kids on my own if I need too. 3. I got him to get me a car in my name-granted its older but i cherish it like gold :-) take little steps to secure your future & then make your move if you have to at that point. Good luck to all & know one day things will be different. :-D

I am so sorry that you have this crap to deal with every day. Being unhappy is just awful, I know. It's the kids who will give you joy, nourish your soul. My kids are older now, but even now I work long hours, choose shifts opposite his. Purposely avoid him. With all that you fear, I hope that you do not have to be scared of your husband. Women are getting stronger every day, more options and support is opening up for us. Do your homework so when the time does come, you will be prepared, set up, ready to stand.

One more thing, learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace.

yea me too! Soul destroying, I was just thinking that this morning! Who can be proud of having that affect on another s life ! and even knowing to some degree that you are doing that very thing! I too am so trapped even if i decided to leave I have nowhere to go, no money, and I suffer with so many medical problems! The whole 2012 end of days isn't sounding so bad lately!

I really, really have been there...and am there. Wishing I had the answer. It's souldestroying, not good for the kids, but more difficulties if you leave. All my love is with you. I know the answer will come at the right time for you.

Dear Desperatemom,

I could have written what you said verbatim! I am going through exactly the same thing and have exactly the same fears. There are reasons our marriage is a farce and it's too long to go into but I have zero desire to be with my husband. He is untrustworthy, immature and a child.

And I completely agree with ashlynn118. I was from a family with parents who were and still are in love. I didn't think it would be smooth sailing but I expected a certain minimum from my husband that I never had. My husband was from a very dysfunctional family but he did not "take notes". No, he is too unevolved to do that. So, I am the one bearing the brunt of his low consciousness. He is just treating me like his dad treated his mother despite the fact that I made it clear that I would not tolerate that. He just can't get past the belief that women are not to be cherished.



Anyway, I feel for you desperatemom because I too do not know what to do.



Sincerely,

fedup

I have to say this - I have an awesome marriage. Living so closely with someone day after day can never be perfect, but my marriage ... well, it has its moments when it is and I think the smartest thing I've ever done is say yes to my husband. My husband loves me. He's emotionally mature and intelligent. He makes 3 times the salary I do but he also puts in the hours, which is not easy on me. When I hear his car pulling into the driveway my heart quickens. My heart aches to think I might be away from him some day.



The reason why I had to tell you this -- my parents' marriage was pretty much exactly like yours. Yes, your marriage is hard on your children, but your children are also learning and taking notes on what not to do. My husband also grew up in the same kind of family and took notes. We both knew we wanted to have lives better than our parents, and we knew they stayed together for us.



I was always hoping my parents would get divorced so that (1) they could be happy and (2) there could be peace in the household (they were constantly arguing). My dad was a Catholic. He didn't believe in divorce, so there were some rough and rocky seas for me until I finally left home. My dad died of cancer, otherwise I think my mother would've killed him.



Your children are probably also taking notes on what kind of life they want or don't want. When they grow up they'll know what they don't want in another partner. Your children will be okay if you divorce and okay if you stay together until you can safely dismantle the nest. I know you're going through hell now - my mom sure did, and I hope things getter better for you real soon. Don't worry too much about your children. They're taking notes and they'll learn from your mistakes.



P.S. My friend R's parents had a perfect marriage and she's had nothing but bad luck with husbands because she expected marriage would be all smooth sailing. I knew the opposite and held out until I found the best partner. Your kids will, too. Best wishes, dear.

I don't want to put words in your mouth, but it seems to me that you have 2 overriding desires:



1) to be independent from your husband

2) to ensure your kids are provided for (financially and emotionally)



In my opinion, you nailed it when you said "I am frozen with fear". Now, you must get unfrozen. You've taken the first step by even writing what you feel here. You have acknowledged and "named" your fears which is a valuable exercise. But you sound so miserable that I think you need to figure out a plan of action so you can achieve what you want. Yeah, easy for me to say. But break down your plan into tiny steps toward your goal. As you achieve each one; you will gain confidence and be able to continue with your plan.



I don't know what those steps are, obviously. But it seems the first area is to work toward how you will survive financially. Open up your mind about what jobs you are qualified for that pay enough to live on. Think about how to ensure your husband meets his financial obligations regarding his children. Who is there in your life that could assist you in any way?



Once you truly make up your mind what it is you want; you can overcome the paralysis and do what it takes to get it.



I wish you all the best.

hey i hope that your situation gets better for you and the kids. Its really lonely and i just hope that you will get out of the situation some how.