Feb 2010: Recollections Of Separating With My Ex-boyfriend

I had started going out with this man at the end of 2008. We had a good 4-5 months together before he had to leave for pilot training. We had at the time covered a lot of ground and he referred to me as "dear" and "wife". That made me feel secure in many ways. I thought the time apart would be good for both of us to calibrate, since we got together rather suddenly. It would also be a good measure of how we will stay together despite his career as a pilot in the future. I made it a point to communicate with him almost on a daily basis at the beginning, and felt some form of happiness whenever I could spend time with him on skype, even if we didn't say much. Gradually I began to feel like maybe the communicating was just fulfilling me and not him.

It happened that I met with problems at university, and during that time had to drop out. I needed him to be near, and asked him to be. He came back for me but we could not spend much time together. I realized later that I had come down with slight depression that developed into a certain schizoaffective disorder. The illness however, gave me a rest that I hadn't had in a long time. Some of my hallucinations that were very real to me included the feeling like the television was having a conversation with me. We were planning a wedding together. And many times, it made it feel like my boyfriend was nearby. I also hallucinated seeing a ring put on my finger while I was trying to get some sleep on 2-3 separate occasions. While all these were very real happenings to me, I put them down as hallucinations only later, when I came to terms with the illness.

It was also during this time (July 2009) that he removed from his facebook, the relationship status that stated we were together. At the time I made up a lot of excuses (which were also very real to me) that he was protecting me from public view. This continued for some time, along with the hallucinations I described above. When I finally came to terms that we were no longer close like we were before, there was a large gap in me. A lot of me had gone missing and yet I was still ok. He continued to tell me, in his occasional short calls, that he would not be back for christmas and chinese new year, that he still had 7-8 weeks at the pilot training base, and that he intended to station in france after that for 6 months. While it warmed my heart to receive all this information, there was also a very real fear that two things would happen simultaneously: that I would never get over him and that we could never get good time together to develop a relationship.

Being catholic, and because I don't know of any other way to remove myself from this problem, I lift all this into the sacred heart of jesus, praying that he would solve this conundrum for me while I get more settled on a career path.

sfrances sfrances
22-25, F
Feb 14, 2010