I Am Missing My Marine
H i. My name is Laura. I'm 21 years old and my marine, James, is 20. after leaving a few comments for people on their stories, i figured it was finally time to tell mine...but where to start? lol.
James and i met on yahoo personals in mid-january, and after talking for a few weeks finally met in person, and we knew right from the first moment we saw each other that this relationship was going to be different. Boy, did we not even know, lol. I was in college , and he was working (he's in the reserves) and our relationship couldn't have been better. We were extremely open with one another right from the start (even before we met in person), and that really helped us understand one another and our fears from our past relationships(saying we'd both been burned is an understatement) and what our dreams and hopes were for the future. His family fully supported our relationship, while mine was less than ecstatic.
A few months into our relationship i was having a lot of health problems and staying at school was no longer an option. He helped me through the process of accepting that i had to take a year off school and go home and get better. Little did we know there was a surprise right before i left...we found out i was pregnant. Now, i'm not trying to start a moral debate, i'm just telling my story. After going home and confirming with my gyno that i really was pregnant, James and i had to really make a decision. Would we be in for the wonderful experience of raising a child? Was i healthy enough? Could i even bring a child to full term? Would the medications i've been on affect the fetus? What would happen when he left in the winter for deployment? and so many more questions. He made it clear to me that he supported whatever decision i made, and did not force me to an answer. Even though my parents had many more reasons and situations for me to consider, my thoughts focused on two things...if i couldn't even wake up to an alarm clock (one of my health problems is hypersomnia), how would i wake up to a baby crying? And being that i go to school for occupational therapy, and know alot about development, how would James missing the first year of the baby's life affect not only us, but more importantly, our child? After a long and painful process, we came to the decision that the answers to these two questions were not positive, and i terminated the pregnancy on may 20.
To keep this story from getting rediculously long, the next months were amazing. We grew closer, and our relationship only matured, despite events in our lives challenging us. After quiting his job, he went on ADOS in july and august. And with me not going to school this fall, he, his roommate and i used to joke that i was a third roommate. We had our ups and downs in the fall, me struggling with the fact i wouldn't be going back to school yet, family problems in both our families, etc. I was the only one that showed up to Family Weekend for him. But it was particularly in october when he went back to his duty station in syracuse, ny, and went on active duty that things changed. It was like a lightswitch went from on to off. He completely changed. Originally, i attributed it to just pre-deployment stress but when i finally got him to open up a bit, that really wasn't the case at all.
Being a marine has been his goal since he was in 8th grade, and he was finally living his dream. He is the type of marine, that no matter what is going on in his life, and what his relationship is with his fellow marines, if it means that he can save someones life and they get home safe, he would lay down his life for them. For this i could only be more proud of him. How could anyone hate him for that? Certainly, not i. At the end of october, when i was visiting my sister at college for family weekend, he called and we had a long conversation in which basically every phrase possible to say we were breaking up was used, except for "we're breaking up." With the primary reason he gave being that when he was on deployment he couldn't be distracted by anything at home, because if they get distracted, they die...and he was coming home safe. The next few weeks were like a limbo, filled with mixed signals and mass confusion. When i visited him for a week at the end of october, beginning of november, it was like that conversation hadn't happened. Everyone around us could see the love and affection, and were equally as confused as to why we were breaking up. After some lengthy conversations with his roommate and sgt (in civvies, so it was appropriate) and his mom (i'm really close to his mom, younger brother , and stepmom), the only conclusions that could be drawn were that because he loved me so much, he was willing to let me go. That he didn't want to hold me back from whatever opportunities will arise over the next year. That he wanted me to worry about my health, and get back to school and finish pursuing my dreams while he was 6,000 miles away and not worry about him. That perhaps his thinking (which didn't make sense to any of us) was that if he hurt me now, the pain would be less if god forbid something happened to him over there. And who knows what else.
All of these reasons only made me more confused, and love him more. I envied his strength to be able to do what he had to do to make sure he comes home safe. At the same time, it doesn't make any of this any easier. One example, we had both been looking forward to the marine corps ball since february, and because of this we were no longer going (despite me having the dress, appointments, and everything). He claimed it would be too hard to see me all dressed up and beautiful, with him in blues, holding me, dancing with me, etc. At first, i tried to convince him that if anything, we should go to the ball together and have one last amazing weekend. To be able to look on our relationship with a smile, and not think about all of the challenges we faced. We didn't go, and he ended up with D.D. duty.
In talking with him mom, she told me to learn to be ok with his decision to end our relationship. That it wasn't really over. That he had told her back in august, that he knew i was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. And that it wasn't puppy love, he just knew. There was something so different, so amazing, so special about our relationship. And that i had to take this year, and go on with what i have to do to get better, and go back to school, etc. And that his family would always be there for me, and this was a time when we needed to support each other, because we would all be struggling with him gone. Lastly, she told me that whenever i had a hard time, and felt like all i wanted to do was cry, i just had to remember one thing he had told me countless times in our conversations since "the break up" oct. 25, that i had shared with her. He told me, "that no matter whether we were bf/gf, just friends, or hadn't talked the entire time i'm on deployment...i want you to be the first person i see when i get off that plane next year." That this statement, was the biggest way he could express his love for me, and that i had to think about this year, not as us being broken up, but as a test. A test to see how strong our love is, and whether or not we truly are meant to be together for the rest of our lives. You have to be two individuals in a relationship, not one. Love is a two-way street, and both sides have to be strong. And while he is being strong fighting for our country, i had to be strong on the homefront. As of right now, James and i aren't talking. I'm respecting his wishes that we both need time and space to be able to learn to deal with everything going on in our lives. No matter what happens, i will always love him. I will miss him, and worry about him, and be concerned, and pray every day that he comes home safe. A simple title change, wont change how you feel about someone.
so that's my story...and i'm completely in a state of not knowing what to do...but i can say that i'm glad i found this group...and know that i'm not the only one struggling with having our loves so far away....feel free to message me on here or email me at steenberg87@yahoo.com
