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Good, Bad...idk...but I Cracked

ok...so i've been really proud of myself that i was respecting my marines wishes about not talking to each other (so we could each get used to the whole not being together thing, and just deal with all the stress in our lives)....and the past few days i've just been really missing him...i feel like everytime i look around all i see is couples holding hands and hugging and kissing...and i miss that. I miss having that one person to text and call and say good morning sweety and sweet dreams baby to. I've been doing a really good job keeping myself busy, and i'm really proud of myself for that. This weekend i went out with friends, and it was so hard not to associate things with him...and then last night happened.....I went out to the bar with my friends, and  they were all coupled up (either with their sig other or they brought a date) and at first i was ok with it. I've gotten used to being the single one lol. And we had a great night, but when they all headed home, i did too. And it was still early, like 1 am...and i havent been able to fall asleep till like 5 or 6 am lately so i was like great....I'm not really sure how it happened, but while i was watching Armageddon, i cracked. I called him....I wasn't even sure if he'd pick up the phone, but amazingly he did!! THere are no words to express how happy i was to hear his voice!! It was like anything going wrong in my world couldn't touch me...and that was just by hearing his voice (its so much better in his arms). We ended up staying on the phone for like 45 minutes, but then he had to get off and do fire watch. The conversation wasn't awkward, it was like one would have with a friend they haven't talked to in awhile. We didn't bring up anything from our relationship, though there were the sidecomments and cracks that come when you know someone really well...Since they had just gotten back from a week in the field, and they had a 2 day liberty everyone was having a ton of fun and drinking and you could just hear the chaos in the background. I died of laughter cause i've partied with them. I could only imagine what was going on. A few of them even came up to him and asked him who he was on the phone with, "on the phone with your old lady?" and he'd respond "yea, well no, my ex old lady" or "i'm talking to my ex" and it was really weird to hear that. To hear the confusion in his voice, and that he wanted to agree with them, but couldnt. I even heard one of them remark, "stringing her along, huh?" To which i told him he wasn't, hell, i was the one who called. We were able to talk about things going on with him, and with him. Though, the one comment that keeps ringing in my head, and bothering me, and  idk why, was when i started to tell him what i've been up to and how i've been keeping myself busy, and going on with what i have to do, etc. i said "i think you'd be really proud of me" and he said "what, you got laid?" and i was like "uh, no, of course not." and then went on to tell him all the positive things going on. I don't know why but i can't get that sarcastic, smart *** comment out of my head. I don't know why i'm letting it bother me, or what about it is bothering me....i just can't seem to drop it. And i should be focusing on the fact that i was able to talk to him for 45 min. and at the end when i asked him if it was ok if i called he said "i dont care" (his usual remark lately when he wants me to make my own decisions, and try and pull the  tough guy marine bs. at first i was bothered by it but now i'm just like whatever, he's trying to be strong and i have to give him that.) I then said i'd be up awhile so if he still wanted to call or text that would be fine. Low and behold i got a phone call in between his watches. I completely didn't expect it! that has to be some sort of a sign right? i'm not just overanalyzing and wishing it was something it isn't? We just continued the convo from before until he had to go on watch. Then when i knew he was off that watch i told him i was still up so i wasn't sure if he just wanted to go to bed (by this point it was 2 am for him, 5 am for me lol) but if  he wanted to call/text that was fine. And he said "nah, im gunna get some sleep" so i just said "ok sweet dreams. i have nothing to do tomorrow except take care of the dogs so feel free to call or text. It was really nice being able to talk to you again!" I still haven't heard from him, but i wouldn't be surprised if he's still sleeping lol, especially after only 4 or so hours of sleep when he was in the field....

so i'm all confused. I'm happy and excited and relieved...but at the same time dont know what to make of it....

lcs787 lcs787 22-25, F 3 Responses Nov 23, 2008

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youre never alone going through any of this. you always have us girls on here!

wow- I'm reading this and it feels like this is me too lol- I'm glad to know I'm not the only one going through this.

ah, I understand how you feel :( I wasnt sure exactly what you meant by ex so I went and read your first story. I'm new here (just NOW made this) try to stay positive. I think its all any of us can really do :) I really hope things work out with the two of you when the time is right.