The Person That Wont Fade Away

To start off I am a very happy person in a great relationship for the past 7 years. We have a wonderful son and another due in Feb. I fear marriage, so even multiple times hes asked we just remain engaged, and are finally happy just the way we are. Now with that said I have a previous relaitonship always popping up in my mind. I know it shouldnt..and I dont even really know why he does. We barely dated for 5 months and argued all the time. I pushed him to leave because there was no way I was ever going to eb good enough for him. His family was perfect, he was perfect, and I just wanted to be 18 and free...I felt couldnt live up to the way he viewed me. The way we started dating is actually funny because we were arguing in his car and I didnt want to be in a relaitonship but he did. He terrified me because he would talk about the future and all these things I was not prepared for. He took me to church, met his family, and vise versa, everyone loved us together. But then he started telling me I needed to dress differently and cover up my tattoos. being 18 and raised from a very independent single mother I could not accept this. Eventually I avoided him enough that he jsut broke up with me. It was exactly what I wanted, until it happened. He never spoke to me again even when i just said hi. The I met my fiance about a month later. This relaitonship i saw as a fling jsut never ended :) but i cant help but feel I was comfortable with this one because I knew I was good enough for him. We came from the same type of background and everything. Seven years later and this person just keeps popping up in my head when I havent thought about him for years. I cant tell anyone because its embarassing and obvious that he never thinks of me. He is the only ex I dont keep in contact with, I even keep in contact with my high school sweetheart that I dated for 4 years! i cant help but feel proud of this guy when i hear how well things are going for hm because I know how hard he was working for his goals. When we were dating his family began blamming me for him not having enough time to study. I think thats when I started really pushign him away, I did not want to be the reason he failed and I knew I would be...Im jsut good at that stuff. I dont even think of my highschool sweetheart other then when we talk about once a year when we catch up. I dont think of other short relationships either, but this one keeps coming back. I wonder if its because we dont keep in contact and the amount of hate for me he showed when I pushed him to leave. When he said we should not eb together I told him i agreed...I didnt even argue when i knew I wanted to tell him I wanted him to stay...I just let him walk away because it was what was best for him. There has never been anyone else who made me feel I was nto good enough for them. Now in my years later i realize I probably could have been good enough for him....but then I wouldnt be hanging out with my son watching spongebob right now <3
ashes87 ashes87
1 Response Aug 21, 2011

am pretty sure u miss him coz u have no contact with him , they say forbidden fruit is sweet , u still love him because u know from ur insuide that his life is perfect and standard much more than urs , u like this way of living but as u said a daughter of a very independent mother wouldnt accept anyone to force her to do something , so ur life now is precious dont lose it .