Missing My Grandma

My grandma passed away Dec. 16 2007, and I still miss her so much.  She was always sick with something, and then she started failing and not being able to take care of herself, so we put her in a nursing home. She was only there for a few months, and then had to be admitted into the hospital, because she a heart problem, and finally kidney failure.

I still fall asleep crying sometimes at night, and sometimes during the day I think about her, and tears develope, even right now as I'm writing this. I'm not much of one that speaks to people about my feelings, so it's easier to talk to people I don't really know.

I feel guilty because the last time I went and visited her when she could comperhend I yelled at her, because she was telling people that my mother was stealing stuff from her. She told her friends and other family members my mother was taking stuff and selling it. None of this was actually true, and we kept telling her that, but she didn't believe us and called social services. My mom and I went to visit my grandma at the nursing home and she was on the phone, telling my uncle (my mother's brother) that my mom was stealing her things. (when actually it was all with my uncle, because we had to move her things out of her apartment because we couldn't pay for both) My uncle never did admit that he had her things stored away. I became very upset because my grandma was calling my mother names and my uncle never told her where her belongings were. I then told my grandma "well see you later" she then turned around and saw my mom and me there walking out, and asked us to stop, but we kept going, and I yelled at her to never call me again. Then we walked out.

Well after that she called me a few times and I would pick up and say "I thought I told you to never call me again" and I would hang up. I then started accepting her phone calls again, but I never did see her again, until the day I was going down with my parents to see her, and the hospital called to let us know that we should probably get down there.

The last time I saw my grandma was when she was dying, and I felt so guilty for the last time I saw her. I didn't apologize to her since my family was there, and I feel horrible about it even now. She was the only grandma I really ever knew since my dad's mom passed away when I was a few months old.

After her death, I started attending my classes less and less, and finally just stopped going. Of course I was removed from the college.  Now I'm back home living with my parents and attending a school here. It really sucks because now I'm back here and I could have visited my grandma whenever (her old apartment building is just 2 blocks away) and now she's not here, but when she was here I was 2 hours away.

For the last year I've kept a notebook filled with letters I write to my grandma. I know it sounds kind of weird, but it helps me cope and I feel like she's here with me even if it's just a little while. Maybe it could help someone else too.

Krysta Krysta
22-25, F
1 Response Mar 8, 2009

Guilt is often associated with the passing of a love one. We regret things we said or didn't say.<br />
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You are healing, slowly. It might help you to do volunteer work in a nursing home. Visit someone who has no family. It would be benefitiAL TO BOTH.<br />
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Forgive yourself. You have done nothing wrong. But your were taught a valuble lesson that you will remember.<br />
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Please go visit someone. You can make a great differnce in someone's life.