I'm Not A Bad Person, Or Am I?
I'm not a bad person. I'm not selfish or cruel. I don't go out of my way to hurt people. I am human. I get frustrated, I get sad and lonely. Some days I just hate myself, some days I think that I'm only good for one thing. I am a good person. I need to say that until I believe it, because I've been told my whole life that I'm selfish, ungrateful, unlikable, and overall a bad person. I've been told this by my parents. My friends and acquaintances don't seem to see this, but I worry that maybe that's how I really am and one day everyone will just see what a **** I am. I try to do good because I think "If I do good maybe eventually I'll be good." but I feel the same sense of inadequacy and self-loathing. Can my parents not see what pain they've caused me? Do they just not care? Do they not realize how what they've said and done has poisoned my psyche? I get anxious when other people thank me or tell me that I'm good/kind whatever, because I think "If only you knew how I really am." Now I think "If only I knew how I really am", because I wonder if I'm so bad. I'm exhausted. I want to do and be good. I love my friends and family. I only want the best for them, but I wonder if maybe they'd be better off I wasn't involved with them. I would do anything for those that I love. Anything. I just want them to know that.