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Being Fat Keeps Me Safe From The World

Hi, my name is Brenda. I am 49 years old. I am 5'3" tall & I weigh 342 lbs. This is the first time I have written it or said it outloud. I don't talk about it & no one else around me says anything to me, like it is a dirty little secret. Some secret, huh? What is the first thing you see when you look at me? Is it the sparkly blue eyes, the big, open smile. No, what I see & what everyone else sees is that I am very fat. Very fat. So fat, that every movement gets more difficult & more painful with each passing day. I suffer from depression. My doctor says I have a chemical inbalance in my brain. I hate it. I hate that I have to take medicine for the depression. Does the medicine make me more myself or less myself? What my medicine does make me is fatter. I can't blame it all on the medicine though. It is my choice to put that junk food in my mouth. It is my choice to lay on the sofa instead of take a walk, However having adult onset asthma does hinder exercise. Being fat is my choice. What I want to figure out is why I choose to be fat. We all have bad things that happen to us in our lives. It is up to us as to how we chose to deal with those bad things. I am going to CHOOSE to join "Overeaters Anonymous" this coming week. This past week, I cut way back on my sugar consumption. I have actually been experiencing withdrawals, just like an addict! I heard a quote this week that so fits what I am feeling, so I repeat it when I am feeling hungry or sad from withdrawals..."It is not the pain of dying. It is the pain of healing'" This writing & all that I have begunrecently is a part of my journey of healing. Please keep me in your thoughts & prayers. Thanks for caring enough to read this.
breathe46 breathe46 46-50 3 Responses Sep 25, 2010

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Becoming fat was easy to accomplish. Losing the fat that was easy to gain, is hard. You have to give up everything that made you gain the weight in the first place. Obviously they are things you enjoy, or else you wouldn't be doing/consuming them. <br />
Sometimes things happen that make us eat more, lounge more, gain more. But the pain doesn't last forever. We get so in the habit, that we might pretend it does. We gain weight and we become depressed because of what we've become. So we consume/do more. <br />
I have extreme social anxiety. It keeps me like a prisoner. I like to run. But I haven't in years because I'm scared of the things people will say or think when they see me and my 337 lbs bouncing down the street. When I take my kids outside, if there are people around, I sit. And there always seems to be people around. I would love nothing more than to get up and play with them, the way they want me to play. But theres this fear, holding me down. It's easier to stay fat and hide. They talk anwyas, I'm aware. But they talk more when you make an effort to change. We like to make excuses, no matter whether they are true or not, we let them hold us down. My anxiety, your asthma. Both treatable. But they are good enough excuses to be able to hide and keep gaining. <br />
I'm desperatly trying to change, it's a lot harder than I imagined. I hope you go through with joining OA, and you stick with it. I hope that by joining you can find the love and support you need to change your life. Like guidence508 above said, don't do it for any other reason than for you, for your health. <br />
If they can't take you at your worst, they sure as hell don't deserve you at your best ;) Good Luck!

Brenda,<br />
Hi. First - congradulations on saying "I'm fat" Second, people are still here adn Lajj8 was the first to welcome you. <br />
Change has to be for youself - no one else. Do not do it to get a guy. Do it for your health. I have several friends who are very fat. It bothers them but not enough to change. The cloths, the weight, the bad knees are all "tollerable" parts of life. <br />
Yes - little things make the difference. Even for those who's bodies take in and keep every calorie. <br />
Best of all you are facing "the pain of healing" <br />
There are reasons. I'm not sure what yours are. Some have been hurt, some seek comfort in food, some do not want to face life as a skinny person (fear of dating, etc) <br />
There is no trophy for pain. <br />
Yes you can be wanted. Pat Benatar is five foot. So is Pia Zadora (actress). I've had a couple of short girlfriends who felt "I'm not even 5'2" - eye of blue" only to get married later. One has a very nice daughter. <br />
Thanks for sharing your bravery. Its your move. If your post was honest then I believe you can do it.

Hi Brenda, <br />
I know exactly how you feel, being overweight is the pits. I feel like such a failure, but I know I'm not. I would like to take this journey with you as I too am trying to lose weight. They say everything is better in pairs. Maybe we can beat our weight problems as a team. Thanks and best of luck:)