Ready To Die

Hello everyone,

I have not looked around this site. I'm not sure what it's about, or what others have posted. I'm just a fat girl sitting here crying because I feel like my life is almost over. 

I am a morbidly obese 39 year old married woman. I really can't think of a time I was not overweight. I've always been big and now I am over 350 lbs. I have POS, type 2 Diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, fatty liver, sleep apnea and all the usual problems that come from a woman of my size. Most of my weight is in my stomach, my legs and arms are not that big. Not only is that the most dangerous place to retain all your weight, but it makes me look even larger and very disproportional. 

For the past year or so I find myself going out less and less. I'm tried of people staring at me. I'm tired of seeing them whisper to their friends while looking at me. I'm tried of hearing the laughter when I walk by. I'm sad that so many people don't like me simply because I'm fat. I have no friends where I live, I go everywhere alone, when I do leave. 

I've wished for a long time I could have surgery. I'd do it in a heart beat if I had the money. However, I am unemployed and my husband is a poor college student who barely makes enough to cover our bills. We are living below the poverty level. When he graduates our financial situation may change, but that might be too late for me. I feel every day now that it is going to be my last. Every night before I go to bed I'm pretty sure I wont wake up. While I am awake during the day I'm just constantly waiting for the heart attack to claim me. I wish there was some sort of program I could apply for for free surgery, with my luck though I probably wouldn't qualify. 

I don't want to die. I don't want to leave my husband behind. I don't want him to go through the pain of losing me. Yet I can't seem to lose the weight. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know why I can't lose weight. 

Thanks for reading this. I was hoping someone would read this that understands. I'm so tired of being lonely, hiding in my home with no friends. 

TeriTb TeriTb
1 Response May 17, 2012

I feel your pain, and I find myself wondering the same things. Some many things that I want to do but my weight is holding my back. If you wanna talk I am here.