I Feel Helpless...

I am 29 years old and morbidly obese. I am lucky that I have not developed diabetes or high blood pressure or some other obesity related disease. I'm not an unintelligent person. I know what is coming health wise, I know how this is going to affect the rest of my life (however long that may end up being), but still I find it difficult to do anything about it.

It's a variety of factors for me. I feel ashamed of course, something which is getting worse and worse for me. I have been overweight my whole life it seems, but I keep going up and up and up. I am a teacher for heaven's sake. I can teach it, but I can't seem to apply what I know in my own life. And it is really starting to take a toll on me, not just physically, but also emotionally and mentally.

I don't have a healthy social life, which isn't helped by my current job where I live in a relatively isolated community for work, and so even those few things I do like to go out and do, I can't, as they are not available here. The same goes for friendships. I have half a dozen very close friends (for which I am grateful), but none of them are where I am. I also don't have any relationships, and at almost 30, have never been in a serious relationship with a man. That has to do with self esteem and self image and self worth more than anything I think. So here I am, in my isolated bubble. I work and go home to my tv and my books. I'm in a rut that only makes my situation worse.

I make promises to myself all the time. That's the last piece of junkfood, the last time I have such a big lunch, etc. Then there I am that night or the next day, throwing a bag of chips in my cart as if I never made myself a promise in the first place. I never remember until later, or I justify it to myself, always promising myself that I will do better tomorrow.

I find exercise difficult. I have gotten to the point in my physique that anything is painful or tiring and I just give up. I just give up. I don't like being a quitter, but that is what I have become. I quit. And then I laugh and smile and joke, more bravado than confidence in certain situations (though I admit not all), while inside I feel fat and ugly and depressed and ashamed.

My mother tries to talk to me about it 3 or 4 times a year but I get angry with her and simply do not want to hear it, because as an overweight person herself, I feel she is being hypocritical, which in turn translates to insulting in my head. I know she's worried about me, but I can't help it.

I know I need to make a change. I need to do something, stop something. ANYTHING. I just don't know if I have it in me to make the change and that makes me more depressed. I don't know what to do, where to turn, how to start, and I'm just so tired of feeling... less. Less than who I am, less worth than other people. Just, less.

So here it is. My situation. I don't know if anything will come of this post. I know every situation is different and what one person does may not work for another person ever, but I know I need help. I'm not used to asking for it, but hey, maybe that's MY first step.
26-30, F
6 Responses Nov 28, 2012

I 100% understand your situation, as I am in a very similar one. Obese, work fulltime, but what do I do, I come home and lose myself in television, books and internet. I always say "tomorrow is going to be the day". But then the slightest thing happens or I start to feel depressed or even happy and I just want to eat food. It's sad to say it, but nothing fills that hole inside like food, even though it makes me hate myself at the same time. I've also never been in a serious relationship, never been on a date, never really been kissed. I feel like I'm the person I want to be on the inside, but I avoid mirrors because the person on the outside is not who I see in my minds eye. And when I do look in the mirror I cry because I wonder why I got this way, and I don't mean in the literal sense, I know I ate too much and that's why. But why after all the hard stuff I've been through in my life do I still have this heavy burden on my shoulders, holding me back from living a real and true happy life. I think that I've finally come to terms and have reached my aha moment. I'm tired of not having anyone other than family love me. I'm tired of coming home to no one, of going to bed alone, hating valentines day because it's the big reminder every year that I've never had a someone. So I really do understand where you are coming from and even though I don't know you I'm rooting for you, I'm rooting for me, I'm rooting for us all.

Don't overwhelm yourself with making huge changes all at once. Don't say "I'm changing everything, right now", instead say, this month, I'm cutting out sugar. Or, this month, I'm going to substitute veggies for snacks. Or this month I'm going to go for a 20 minute walk everyday. I say this all the time, when you have a problem, think of it as a pie, would you try and ram an entire 9" round pie in your mouth at once? No, you'd eat it bite by bite, swallow by swallow. So think of your problem like that; I can't do it all at once, that's not possible, so I'm going to take it bit by bit.

I'm rooting for you, I'm on the path to a healthy weight myself, it's hard work, and I am hungry and craving junk all the time, and I have a long long long long way to go (like 100 more lbs), but if I can do this, any one can because I'm a generally lazy person and I have been morbidly obese my entire life, but I decided that I only get to live once and I am sick and tired of wasting my one and only life on being sad and unhealthy.

Im in the same boat im 29 this year living with me parents and my weight has gone up so much its horrible so drained from it all the time

I completely understand your angst. I am super morbidly obese. Everything on me hurts. I to am a teacher. An excellent one but I know if I got my health together I could be exceptionally great. I'm doorways focus on others and giving advice. But I seem to overlook myself. One thing I know is I can't and won't make out through 2013 this way. I'm determined no surgeries. So maybe we ask can be self motivators. My name is Allison Pattion. I'm going to set up and account on thweight site. I honestly need puerile I can talk to who understand my struggle. Good luck

Hi! I'm in the same boat. I actually went online tonight to find web sites to make me feel bad about being this way. I try and try but I justify my eating habits and in the end I'm only hurting myself. I have no reason any longer to do what I do to myself but I continue the path. Like a dog back to its own vomit. Anyhow I'm on my myfitnesspal.com and its a free website used to help you keep track of your progress or in my case the lack thereof. If you add me as a friend we can help motivate each other. My nutritionist (Army) put me straight on how I can shed quickly and I can share that with you but it sux. I won't lie. It's hard to eat right but if I did I wouldn't be in this size pants. katherinthegreat is my user name on myfitnesspal.com

Hi I'd like to help u when will u be online?

:) I'm afraid I never know when I will be online. My job does not always give me much free time. But I welcome any help and encouragement I can get. I know that I need it.