13 and 300 Lbs

I was always overweight, always. When I was a baby I was just barely over the "average" weight. As I got older everyone began to notice that I was on the chubby side but they ignored it.

In the 2nd grade I noticed that I was a little bit heavier than everyone around me. At that point it didn't really bother me, I just got annoyed at the fact that I was slower than everyone else. Then, in the 3rd grade, I finally realized how much bigger I was compared to my classmates.

In the 3rd grade, after recess, all of my classmates lined up in front of the classrooms waiting for the teachers to come back from lunch. I was just standing there staring at the ceiling but, I looked down as I felt something hit my foot.

One of the boys in my grades had tripped over my shoe and as I scrambled to apologize an evil grin crossed his face.

"DON'T EAT ME!" He shouted with mock-fear. EVERYONE around me started to laugh and cackle at me. I just stood there in shock as tears began to roll down my face. I didn't tell any of the teachers because it was too embarrassing.

That was only the beginning. In the 4th grade the teacher would always yell and mock me in front of the whole class. Also, there was a girl in my class who would ALWAYS yell "Big Butt!" Whenever I bent over.

When I got into the fifth grade I was told that everything was going to get better. It didn't. The only thing I wore was a big baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants. I had no friends and could barely speak to anyone with out getting nervous. I tried to kill myself 3 time in the fifth grade. Fifth grade was also when I began to be absent all the time.

6th grade had to be the worst part of my life. I couldn't go to school knowing that people would laugh and stare at me as I walked down the hallways. I was absent for a total of 48 days and the school took my parents to court. Thankfully, I had a very sympathetic judge and she allowed me to stay with my family as long as I my absentees went down. So, I started to go to school every day and my life became a living hell.

No one said anything directly to my face but I would always hear people talking behind my back. Even my "friends" made fun of me. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stay home so I had to find another way to escape. My new way to escape became drugs. I would swipe Vicodin from my sister and take it before I went to school. It made me feel numb.

Meanwhile, my sister (who weighed less than me) became bulimic. It made me feel terrible. I was younger than her by 4 years and I weighed MORE than her. I saw her loose weight quickly and I began to despise her. I hated her so much. She would always complain to me about how fat she was even tough I was twice her size. One morning she started saying that she was really fat and that she was going to throw up everything because fat people are disgusting. I kinda... threw my hot chocolate at her (which I am embarrassed to say). By that point I had enough. That same afternoon I tried to commit suicide again.

Then the 7th grade rolled around. People were given me less crap than usual which I thought was great. However, I was getting fatter. I went from happy to severely depressed. My absentees started to go up again. I would just lie in bed all day and do nothing. I would wake up, get something to eat, go back to bed and sleep, then get something to eat, then sleep, then eat, then sleep, etc. I gained like 30 points in two months. I just didn't care anymore. I wanted to die so badly but I lost the nerve to kill myself. I started to cut. At first it was just small scratches on my shoulders but it escalated. I started to carve deep gashes into my thighs. The more I cut, the more depressed I got. The more Depressed I got, the more I ate. The more I ate the more I cut and etc. My doctor told me that at the age of 12 I was pre-diabetic.

My sister's eating disorder get worse too. She threw up absolutely everything because she couldn't hold it in anymore. She would also cut and burn herself. Then, one night she tried to kill herself and she was admitted to the hospital. After that she got sent to a psych ward for a little while, then finally, she started going to an eating disorder group.

Mean while; my parents got divorced, my grandmother died, my favorite aunt (The person I am the closet to) got cancer (again), and a bunch of other things happened. Which made me MORE depressed, guess what happened after that. I ate MORE.

Now, I am currently in the 8th grade. I am 13 and I weigh 300 fricken pounds. I disgust myself. However, I am happy to say that I have a bunch of new friends who are very supportive. I can finally be me with out worrying about what people will think of me. Occasionally I will get very depressed over my weight but, I tend to get over it.

Today is the first time EVER in my LIFE that I can say "I am beautiful" and actually mean it.

Thank you for reading :).
NeonPanda03 NeonPanda03
13-15, T
2 Responses Dec 15, 2012

I agree with WindupDreams, you write beautifully. You have something special to offer the world sweetheart, and I hope you keep fighting for yourself. You have your whole life ahead of you and I can promise you that this time in your life will not last forever. You have a wonderful talent, and I encourage you to pursue it.

I think you're beautiful, too.

Aww :) Thank You so much ^.^