The Rocky Road To A Lesser Me

I have been overweight my entire life.

I was bullied without mercy throughout highschool and was constantly trying in any way possible to lose weight, but found failure down every path because I was very emotionally drained by the monsters at school, and the monster in my mind that told me I was a worthless pile of garbage.

I had a loving, thin family, that just really didn't understand because my weight was strange for a family of tall, slim people. They tried to encourage me to get healthy, but in my snarled and sad mind, I only say it as them trying to force me to be like them because they were disgusted with me.

When I hit my 20's and expanded my world beyond the confines of highschool and teenage hormones, I found that there were plenty of heavy women out there who were popular, sassy, loved, desired and happy. I tried to be them. I made friendships, tentatively at first, just waiting for these friends to turn on me in disgust and make fun of me.

It never happened. I was surrounded by loving friends and I was still shy, self-conscious, and sure that no one could ever love my flabby body. I still tried to lose weight, but again, I always failed because I was my own worst critic and bully.

Then I met my husband. He was a nice guy. He liked me, he pursued me, he made me feel desirable. He too was a little chubby, but he is such a good man, that I learned to love myself a little more each day.

Now, we are married and raising his kids together. I hope and pray everyday that we will eventually have a child together, too. And we are finally making the journey to healthier bodies. We joined Weight Watchers a few months ago, and by leaning on each other, have lost a lot of weight. I am down 30lbs, and still have about 100 to go, but I already feel healthier.

I look back on those twits in highschool who made me hate myself, who made cry everyday, who made me wish I could get a knife and just literally slice the fat off, and I wish that they had parents who could have taught them more respect, more empathy, more kindness, more tolerance. Our children are like that, kind and tolerant and friendly. We have taught them to embrace differences because without them, the world wouldn't work.

I have read a lot of posts on here by young people, people in high school who hate themselves so much I wish I could hug them and tell them it will be ok. I wish I could show them what it was like for me, how epically terrible my teenage years were, and then show them that outside of that time period, my life slowly got better because my horizons were broadened. High school is rough for even the most popular and "perfect" people out there, and especially rough for those who are different in anyway. And it is truely just a little blip on the greater map that is your life, if you can make it through those 4-6 years, there is a greater, better world waiting out there for you. And those ***-clowns will go on to lead stunted boring lives because they refuse to see life beyond what is on the outside.

I am still considered "morbidly obese" by my doctors, but I am slowly but surely changing that. I won't ever look like a model or actress, but I will be healthy, and I will be there for my family for a good long time (god willing) because I am focusing on weight loss for all the right reasons. I think that is the secret, not losing weight because you feel pressured to, or because you feel it is the only way to be loved or liked, but doing it for yourself, so that you are able to live your life to its absolute fullest.

Bigbadollie Bigbadollie
26-30, F
Jan 12, 2013