Always A Daydream Away....
I have always been the largest person in the room. I am the biggest person in my family, in my church, at my job..walking down a street. Sometimes I find myself looking for over weight people in the crowd..just in hopes that I may find someone bigger then me. It never happens though. I am always the "elephant in the room".
As a child I was the same size as the rest of my sisters, we often shared clothes due to there being 5 children of close age...but despite our identical sizes, just because I had chubby cheeks I was sought out as the fat kid in our family. I had to eat less then the others, I had to exercise longer then the others...and I was ridiculed by parent's and siblings as well as "measured" often and given special "promises and deals" for inch's and pounds loss. I spent so much time being told I was the fat one that I never even realized I was the same size as my siblings until years later when I had been looking at old photo's..burned in my brain for so long I never realized there was a time in my youth that I wasn't over weight at all.
I became ashamed of myself and hid from the world most of my childhood. This seemed the perfect excuse to terrorize me and thats just what my siblings and their friends did until one day, when I just stopped leaving my room altogether....I became larger and larger. When I turned 16yrs old I got my first job, I was very depressed and considered taking my own life many times. One day I just decided I was tired of being me and I began starving myself. I went from a size 22 to a size 12 in 7 months..I began my first sexual relationship when I was a few weeks off of turning 18yrs old...on my 18th birthday I found out I was pregnant.
I was stupid, I still viewed myself as fat and ugly..worth less then a "normal" person. I thought just because this guy was willing to look past my flaws that he must love me. And even though I swore I would never let him touch me without protection, what I thought was his vows of love quickly changed my mind. He dumped me as soon as he found out I was pregnant.
I gained alot of weight back during my pregnancy. After I had my first daughter I went right back to starving myself and dropped some of the weight quickly. When my daughter was 4 months old I met the man I am with now..we have been together for 12yrs. I got pregnant again, but lost the baby..soon after I was with child once more and considered a high risk pregnancy..I gained all the weight back. Later I began having heart problems that went misdiagnosed for 4yrs. The heart problems left me weak and afraid to do anything...my weight kept increasing...after some medical problems I stopped working for 4yrs, I have only just recently started back to work as a sales associate.
I am the largest I have ever been in my life...I am only 5'3 and I weigh over 360 pounds. I am unhappy and unhealthy..my body is breaking down and everything I do causes one pain or another. Even sitting here at the computer makes my back ache, my hips hurt and my feet swell.
I need some friends that understand what I am going through..that I can talk to about the embarrassing things that happen to over weight people..I can honestly say I don't know anyone personally who is as big as I am.